Sex problems. It might be over.

[BurnerAccount123]

I've been with DH for over 10 years and we have 2 children. Since children, my sex drive has nose dived. I'm very much an introvert and have struggled a lot with the lack of alone time and people touching me all the time. Sex is just yet more of someone pawing at me.
We probably have sex on average once a week, I'd be happy with less and this is a compromise. He would like a lot more. I've explained that I don't have much of a sex drive at the moment but he doesn't get it. He thinks if I loved him and was attracted to him I would desire him.
That's the background.

Last night he caught me masturbating and he is absolutely furious, properly LIVID. He was shouting in my face that I'm a liar and that we are done. He thinks this proves that I do in fact have a normal sex drive, i just don't want him. To me masturbating and sex are not the same thing. Wanting a bit of a dopamine hit and stress relief does not mean that I wanted to have sex. Touching myself is not comparable to being touched by someone else.

He didn't give me the opportunity to talk to him last night and he will be blanking me today. We won't get chance to talk until the children are in bed. I don't know how to make him understand. Last night he was very adamant that he has had it with me now. I just can't believe that this might be the thing that breaks up our family.

She has sex with him every week - just not on demand like a blow up doll.

Yes it is, but to the person being rejected it doesn't feel like it.

Bit harsh - would you say the same to a woman who was desperate for more sex and intimacy with her partner then caught him having a wank?

His anger most likely comes from a place of deep hurt and rejection. Why shouldn’t a man feel emotional around sex? It’s an important part of a connected, happy marriage, not just a transactional physical need.

OP, this is probably an unpopular opinion but I think you need to apologise to your husband as well as try to explain to him. Not apologise for masturbating - your body, your business, obviously, and it is completely different to having sex - but I can totally see why discovering this, and the secrecy around it, has hurt him. He’s probably feeling pretty unloved and is expressing it through anger, but it’s very common for couples to go through a bumpy time sexually when you’ve got small kids and it needn’t be terminal. I agree that counselling is probably a good way forward.

Wtf?? Refusing to have sex with someone is now abuse? What backwards century do you come from?!

No one should have sex they do not want. End of.

Plus OP is having sex once a week.

Edit: Sorry this was aimed at @Rania78

Wow once a week is a decent amount.

Firstly, does he satisfy you/ is it good when you have sex? If not then this is the conversation you need to have about how to make it better and you may be more inclined to do it.

Secondly, how much does he help with the children. If you're saying you're feeling over touched does that mean you're doing the lions share. If so you need to make that plain to him and that's the reason you don't want as much sex.

Thirdly, once a week is decent in most people's books. He's definitely not deprived. I would say sex is important in a relationship (unless both parties aren't interested) but once a week is not something to complain about. He needs to give his head a wobble

@Rania78 what is wrong with you. Sex and masturbation are completely different. Different kind of orgasm for a woman for a start and also easier and quicker to do it alone. Also a decent majority of women have to cope with bad sex where the male just gets what they want and roll over and some women can't orgasm from sex so need a bit of masturbation. It's not rocket science to see why a woman might prefer to have a quick play rather than sex.

Once a week is once a week. It's not deprivation. However if you go through it resigned to get it out of the way because you feel you're being pawed at, then it's not working for either of you.

If you can get past being shouted at in the face, and he can commit to opening his ears and listening to you and attempting to understand how you feel, and what you need, and vice versa, you might be able to hit some common ground. I think a therapist would be a good idea.

Karen Gurney has an excellent book, and if you can't be arsed to read, then she's appeared on loads of podcasts recently. Here's one

He doesn't own your body and you're allowed to do what you please with it. He sounds awful, I wouldn't want to have sex with him either!

@Rania78 you seem to have missed the part where the OP says that her and her H have sex once a week.

So, the longest time that could have passed since they last had sex was 6 days.

If she "set him free" to have sex with other people, I'd be really surprised if he could get someone to have sex with him in 6 days time (unless paying for it).

Plus if he went on to separate and even found himself a shiny new relationship, he'd have the kids half the time, so wouldn't be able to see his new GF then, his new GF would possibly have commitments as well, so he may again end up in a relationship where sex is once a week, or even less (& that's if he finds a new relationship at all).

If it was 6 months or six years since he'd got laid I could understand his frustration, but a few days without sex? Really? When you have young kids? That's worth leaving a relationship for?

But if you don't want to have sex with your husband, then how is it a marriage? Surely it's just flatmates who are co-parenting?

And I can totally see why he's upset that she says she doesn't want sex but is then masturbating.

Sex once a week is hardly not much, he shouldn’t think you are depriving him! However, I can understand why he was upset if you were masturbating but don’t want him (because it is clear that while you do have sex regularly, you would rather not), it would be hurtful. But no excuse at all for shouting at you.

OP, Do you actually enjoy and actively participate in the weekly sex or is it just a chore that you endure to keep the peace but can't wait for it to be over?

I was going to ask the same as @AlienShmalien. I would say that I have a fairly high sex drive however it took me ages to find a man who could satisfy me sexually. Sex isn’t enjoyable when it is one sided.

Oh please now you are linking masturbation with fidelity. Masturbation is present for many before they know what sex is. It meets the basics need of orgasm release.

Sex is working in the fundamental of there being one or more individuals engaged. It relies on each person's responses, enthusiasm, creativity etc. completely different.

What I do with my body will never ever be of any business if any partner and to suggest otherwise really means not understanding autonomy.

And nobody starves of sex🤦‍♀️

Read. The. Fucking. Post. She said they have sex once a week. That's not having sex in God knows how long? That's starvation? You're talking blithering nonsense and being nasty to the OP. You have issues.

Im so glad I stayed single.
I couldn't put up with a sex pest.

They're guaranteed to kill a woman's libido faster than a shot of Novocaine in the privates.

But she does have sex, probably far more than she wants to, judging by his treatment of her, if they weren’t having sex at all, I agree, it’s a doomed marriage. His reaction to her masturbating was extreme and way over the top, he can be upset, sure, but to shout and rage? She’s really going to want more sex now.

Do you have trouble with reading? He is getting it once a week. This has been reiterated throughout the thread for the benefit of clueless sex pest enablers.
Unbelievable.

Your husband should not have shouted in your face, he crossed a line there and needs dealing with but it is a separate issue to the reason why.

Your husband wants and desires more sex, he's not in the wrong there and once a week isn't enough for him and he's not wrong there either, once a week wouldn't be enough for me either. Him wanting to have sex with his wife doesn't make him a needy deviant with sex issues.

You don't want sex with your husband which is entirely your right and the way you describe it has 'pawing' at you makes me think you don't want a sexual relationship with him at all. Which again, is your right but why should he then be happy with his once a week if he isn't? You both need to be happy and fulfilled including sexually and he isn't and you don't sound as though you care very much about that and his feelings?

Of course he is going to see you masturbating and wonder why you don't want him, I would. If my husband rejected me 6 days out of 7 but was knocking one out on his own I'd be hurt too. Yes, masturbation is relaxing and stress releasing but it is also undeniably sexual too and he is missing that.

Your feelings around sex are not the only valid feelings in your marriage. Your husband feels hurt and rejected and that's an horrible way to feel.

having sex ince a week: reluctantly…read the f@cking post and if you can between the lines

you seem to have missed the part where the OP says that her and her H have sex once a week

Reluctantly….and then goes on and masturbates….

Will he come with you to counselling?

To me the marriage breaker here is your inability (as a couple) to understand how each other feels about sex at the moment, and come to a happy compromise. Not an unusual situation I would imagine.

I can take a rough guess at what's going on for him (intimacy represents marital glue and love, he's feeling rejected and insecure, his fear response is fight and anger). I know what's going on for you (intimacy represents yet another person sucking up your body and headspace when you are desperate for some calm and privacy). But both of you need to understand that and find a way through.