Sex problems. It might be over.

[BurnerAccount123]

I've been with DH for over 10 years and we have 2 children. Since children, my sex drive has nose dived. I'm very much an introvert and have struggled a lot with the lack of alone time and people touching me all the time. Sex is just yet more of someone pawing at me.
We probably have sex on average once a week, I'd be happy with less and this is a compromise. He would like a lot more. I've explained that I don't have much of a sex drive at the moment but he doesn't get it. He thinks if I loved him and was attracted to him I would desire him.
That's the background.

Last night he caught me masturbating and he is absolutely furious, properly LIVID. He was shouting in my face that I'm a liar and that we are done. He thinks this proves that I do in fact have a normal sex drive, i just don't want him. To me masturbating and sex are not the same thing. Wanting a bit of a dopamine hit and stress relief does not mean that I wanted to have sex. Touching myself is not comparable to being touched by someone else.

He didn't give me the opportunity to talk to him last night and he will be blanking me today. We won't get chance to talk until the children are in bed. I don't know how to make him understand. Last night he was very adamant that he has had it with me now. I just can't believe that this might be the thing that breaks up our family.

Thanks for the comments everyone, I appreciate the different points of view. I didn't mean to post and run, I'm at work. Feeling quite teary, which is at least partly exhaustion, as I lay awake all night worrying.

He's not bad with pulling his weight, but the kids mostly want me. Sex with him is enjoyable, I just don't want to do it as often as he does.

The way I'd describe it, and I think this is an introvert thing, is that my sense of wellbeing is like a fuel tank. It has a tap at the top for filling it up and a tap at the bottom for draining it. The top tap is turned on by things like, peace and quiet, going for a run, reading a book, being alone. The bottom tap is turned on by things like big social gatherings, work, kids climbing all over me, sex. Masturbation does not use any fuel, in fact it probably tops it up a bit. I'm not using fuel that he could have otherwise used for sex. Sex and masturbation effect how I feel in different ways. My life would be a lot easier if I had sex with him as often as he wanted but I can't do it. The tank would be empty, other areas of my life would suffer, I would feel stressed and unhappy.

We need to have big conversation and I can only hope that the anger has passed and he listens. I've tried to explain about being touched out before and the whole concept was bizarre to him.

Get back under your bridge.

You have got to be a bloke and if you’re a woman I’m so sorry you were raised to think you were put here to service men - what a dreadful life you must have

He doesn’t feel entitled to it. He has desire

No I am a woman who has been in her husband’s shoes. It has nothing to do with gender and you shouldn’t use double standards

Honestly I’d let him stew in his anger. I’m so annoyed on your behalf OP. He should have the emotional maturity and intelligence to see how you’re feeling. This is on him - not you

@Rania78

Depriving someone of sex when you have desirr is abusive.

You think it's abusive even though they're having sex once a week?

This is the epitome of a bad faith argument.

In that case, he's very likely a porn addict. He avoids partnered sex altogether, which many porn addicts do. OP does not avoid partnered sex, she just doesn't want it as often as her partner does. They have a normal amount of sex which many men would feel lucky to have, but her partner is a sex pest who demands more. Naturally, this turns her off and she'd sometimes rather masturbate than deal with him. Sex pests like him are awful in bed, very objectifying of their partners and selfish.

I get that you're hurt about having a porn addict for a partner, but these situations are not comparable at all. You are letting your anger at your husband cloud your reason.

@Rania78 stop saying desire, you sound like a broken record and very cringey 😂 the wife has ‘desire’ too. Desire for more alone time away from her kids, desire for time to feel like her own person and not a mum, a wife, a maid, chauffeur. Desire to feel like a sexual person and not a person there just to serve another. I imagine you’re the type of woman whose husband cheats and you say “well I deserved it, because he simply needed more sex”.

Did you by any chance grow up in a household where men were the ‘alpha’ and leader and that they must be served and respected simple because they have a penis? It certainly sounds like it 🤢

This isn’t double standards. The two are not the same.

Men mostly live care free lives - women take on the bulk of care giver and all round dogs body.

If your husband didn’t want to have sex with you it is NOT for the same reason OP doesn’t want to have sex with her husband.

No you haven't. That's a flat out lie. You said your husband avoids sex and rarely has it with you. OP does not do that. Not even close. Stop lying.

I wouldn't like it if my husband used porn but of course he masturbates, and it's none of my business! His body!

What is this masturbation police? And no-one owes anyone sex, married or not! A bit Handmaid's Tale this thread.

@Rania78 can not grasp the difference in why men and women go off sex.

You're stark, barking mad.
Please get some help.

That makes good sense and you have nothing to feel bad about. I hope he comes around and realizes he was wrong, and he definitely should apologize for shouting at you.

Bloody hell. Are you a man?

No shes a bitter wife who won’t leave her husband

That matters because....?
Your claim was she won't do it at all. That's what's known by the rest of the human race as a lie.

You couldn't read between the lines if they were in neon and a mile apart. All you see here is your own life and problems. It's called projection.

100%

No one needs to be set free lol. No one is being held captive against their will. What is actually wrong with you?

Adults can choose to stay in a marriage that may temporarily give them less sex than they want for a variety of reasons - they love the person they're with for much more than sex being the main one!

Marriage built solely on sex will not last. Illnesses happen throughout life, stressful events happen, mental health problems happen. It's very rare for someone to maintain the same sex drive for their entire life. In a healthy marriage where there is respect and mutual love, both partners will understand that there may be times where sex drive is lower (eg. Common for women when they have very young children).

Masturbation and sex are not the same. Asexual people for example, often masturbate. There isn't anything sexual about this - it's to relieve stress/feel good.

Please do consider therapy though. Your views on body autonomy are dangerous. I honestly hope you don't have sons as if you teach them these views, they will obviously think sex in a relationship is something they're entitled to. You're not far off thinking rape in marriage is fine.

People are entitled to leave their partner if they want to, but NOT to sex with them.

I have lived through, and escaped, a dead bedroom marriage, in my situation, I was having sex once or twice A YEAR. This couple are having sex weekly! This is not a dead bedroom!! His needs are being met reasonably and I'm appalled that he would feel justified in shouting in her face in ANY situation, let alone in this situation.

I think the husband needs a LOT of therapy to find out why he would feel so hurt and rejected by his wife masturbating that he would shout in her face and throw the marriage out the window. What on earth?
Where is his empathy? Where is his love for his wife? Does he still see her as the woman he fell in love with or has she become anonymised by the trappings of motherhood and modern life?

I can get the point being made that the rage he displayed was powered by hurt and rejection, but I'd have some sympathy for him if sex was a biannual event, like it was for me in my previous relationship. I just don't get how much repressed emotion he's got in there and how it has built up and exploded when they are intimate regularly, weekly.

I'd like to know how he feels about women masturbating, too. I wonder if he thinks sex and orgasms are for men, and women aren't that fussed about it, so to find her masturbating would have proper made him go off on one.

There's a lot to unpack here. He needs therapy. I wouldn't want to stick around and wait for this to be unpacked.

Stupidest thing I've ever read on this site.

It's not abusive to not have sex with someone for god's sake.

Once a week is LOADS when you have young DC. Fucking hell can he not just get through this phase of life as a parent and see that in the future you both may well have the time and headspace to do more

Also, why doesn't he just wank if he's that bothered ffs. He could be doing that daily for all anyone cares!

@BurnerAccount123 ,

This thread has become very polarised. I can actually see both perspectives.

It is totally reasonable to masturbate and not be in the mood for sex, but it is one of those things not to shove in your partner’s face, especially if there are already sex ‘issues’. He clearly was hurt and reacted. There is nothing wrong about human beings being emotional, even if on another level he may totally understand the difference between sex and masturbation.

I think once a week is fine and normal but like anything else in a relationship, it has to be mutual and you need to be able to talk about it. If one person loved eating out and liked to do it a couple of times a week and the other found it tiring and boring, you would still need to find some kind of compromise which worked for both of you.

How old are your children and do you otherwise have a friendly affectionate relationship? Do you actually still fancy him ? I think you need to be honest with yourself about that.

I suspect that it won’t be the end of your marriage (unless he is totally awful) and that he will calm down. But you do both need to work together to not resent one another.