Sex problems. It might be over.

[BurnerAccount123]

I've been with DH for over 10 years and we have 2 children. Since children, my sex drive has nose dived. I'm very much an introvert and have struggled a lot with the lack of alone time and people touching me all the time. Sex is just yet more of someone pawing at me.
We probably have sex on average once a week, I'd be happy with less and this is a compromise. He would like a lot more. I've explained that I don't have much of a sex drive at the moment but he doesn't get it. He thinks if I loved him and was attracted to him I would desire him.
That's the background.

Last night he caught me masturbating and he is absolutely furious, properly LIVID. He was shouting in my face that I'm a liar and that we are done. He thinks this proves that I do in fact have a normal sex drive, i just don't want him. To me masturbating and sex are not the same thing. Wanting a bit of a dopamine hit and stress relief does not mean that I wanted to have sex. Touching myself is not comparable to being touched by someone else.

He didn't give me the opportunity to talk to him last night and he will be blanking me today. We won't get chance to talk until the children are in bed. I don't know how to make him understand. Last night he was very adamant that he has had it with me now. I just can't believe that this might be the thing that breaks up our family.

It’s not rocket science to see why the OP stays with her husband. And the same goes with husbands who choose to masturbate and deny sex to their spouse. OR have sex reluctantly with them jist to keep them. Becasue of course where else are they going to find a provider/nanny/cleaner etc

What is wrong with you?! Sex and having a wank are completely different. Sex takes effort, a build up, a connection, relaxation. A quick wank to relieve stress and get a quick release requires nothing but 5 minutes alone. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t desire her husband, it just means she’s exhausted from looking after children, doing the lions share of the housework and seemingly trying to satisfy a manchild.

You have a warped and misogynistic view of relationships.

Sex takes effort, a build up, a connection, relaxation.

Exactly my point. And please stop this Bs about misogynism. I am a woman and I would say exactly the same thing If the OP was a man.

The misandrism on MN is unbelievable. There are not bad men/women. There are bad people out there. And very often the one who plays the victim is the actual abuser.

Imagine the rejection this man has felt to explode to this point. But of course! Henis a man! Why we should support him?

I feel for him. And I feel for him bcs I have been there. Years of minimal sex or bad se with the excuse of low libido, only to find that the previous night he was masturbating. And of course he didn’t want to split becasue he would lose so much.

@Rania78 what exactly is your point? The OP is clearly not feeling effort and a connection with her husband, hence why she doesn’t want to have sex with him? In my view, he is the abusive one. Demanding sex just because you feel entitled to it, whilst doing nothing to make your partner desire you? Gross!

Women can still be misogynists. You’re a perfect example of that! Literally no one here is agreeing with you. You’re making yourself look crazy.

I agree with her 🤷🏻‍♀️ the op doesn't say her DH makes no effort, that he 'demands' anything, she doesn't say she does all the tasks in the world while he does nothing. She never states anywhere that he doesn't try to make a connection. She never said he doesn't do anything to make her desire him. She simply said she doesn't want sex.

You have made up the parts where is is a self serving, lazy man who does nothing for his wife.

@Rania78 you clearly have issues and are projecting on this thread. If you can, will you find in the law where this situation amounts to abuse, thanks.

No one should feel pressured in to having sex more, or be shamed for what they do with their own body. What you both should do is sit down, have an open conversation and both try to understand from the other persons point of view, no matter how uncomfortable it may be. It may be that neither of you can come to a happy solution and if that's the case then you need to consider separation 🤷🏻‍♀️

Would you consider opening up your marriage and enabling him to find a compatible sexual partner for a while?

Yes I’m sure that would help. To end the marriage.

No it bloody isn't cop on. Nobody is owed another's orgasm. Now you are sounding very sadly like a person who has been groomed.

I suggest you go become informed about autonomy and consent because you appear to have a big gap in your learning or what is more concerning being groomed to believe this.

His reaction is absolutely not ok. But I can’t lie, this would hurt my feelings.

If this relationship is going to continue you both need to have a good talk, where you communicate everything you wrote here and him about how he feels too. I think he needs reassuring with both words and actions that you still find him attractive. But it needs to be made clear that he absolutely cannot react in that manner in the future.

When you feel like you want to masturbate but not have sex would you consider masturbating together (only touching yourselves but in the same room) so you are both being intimate and he’s being included but you’re in control and not being more touched out.

Sorry you're going through this.

I know how it feels to be "touched out" when you have young children but I can see it from his POV as well - my DH apparently doesn't have any libido and we only have sex occasionally and I find it really upsetting when I know he's been having "solo sex" (I don't yell at him though).

I think as others have suggested, counselling could really help you work through this. You don't have to do it face to face, there are online counsellors.

😂😂😂😂

Ok - what advise would you give If roles were reversed:

”My husband has very rarely sex with me and when he does he doesn’t seem to enjoy it. He constantly avoids it and says he has no desire. I have asked him multiple times to go to the doctor but he refuses. Last night I caught him masturbating on porn. What would you do?”

Go on. Answer. What would your advice be?

If you're not a troll, please get therapy.

Your body is your own, and you do not owe anyone sex for any reason.

Oh fuck off. If doesn’t want to shag him she doesn’t have to and if she wants to touch her own body she can do - he does not own it.

You don't want sex more than once a week. He won't accept that you sometimes masturbate as it's a totally different scenario to having sex.
So I do think this could be a deal breaker.
It's not fair for you to be pressured. Once a week is a lot for someone with a low sex drive.
He doesn't seem to be able to accept the frequency as it stands.
I can kind of vaguely see the reason for his initial disappointment when he saw you masturbating. But he shouldn't have shouted and been livid! Purely as for some men, I think they imagine we must be thinking about penises constantly in order to be aroused. So it must be a 'man' thing.
It's not, it's a relaxing, stress relieving erotic personal touching thing.
But I don't think he's ever going to get his head round that. He sounds very unmalleable in terms of his sexual attitudes.

I’ll tell ya!

First off the two are not comparable.

Women - when they have small children and are physically exhausted from constant overwhelm and disconnect from their husband- who usually isn’t pulling his weight - go of sex. It DOES become another chore because clearly this woman doesn’t have time for herself and isn’t supported fully by her husband. She might not have the energy for bed room acrobatics and can’t be arsed pretending to be in the mood so he can pound away at her.

That’s why women go of sex.

Her having a physical release privately has absolute nothing to do with him.

My advice to him would be - ‘Can you honestly hand on heart say you allow this woman to have space and peace so she can feel like a her own woman, not just mother, wife, maid, cleaner, cook, arse wiper, skivvy? Can you honestly say you help her with the chores so she isn’t overwhelmed and suffocated?’

Secondly - going off your straw man argument I’d tell her to leave because it’s two very very different situations

Maybe your just not bright enough to see that

That is insane. Please see a therapist about your massive sense of entitlement and victim complex regarding sex.

@protectoroftherealm I haven’t made up anything. The OP said she feels touched out and suggests she gets no alone time. This strongly implies she does a large amount of the childcare and rarely has a moment to herself. If her ‘moments to herself’ are spent cleaning and running a household, I can’t imagine she ever has time alone to get herself in the mood for sex with her husband.

She has explained she’s told her husband she has no sex drive and that he ‘just doesn’t get it’. This is not the reaction of a decent, loving husband willing to meet his wife halfway. Has he asked her why she has no sex drive? What he can do to help? How he can make her feel sexier, more desired? More relaxed? Judging on the OP’s post, no he hasn’t. He’s whinged and said he ‘doesn’t get it’, and she’s reluctantly agreed to have sex with him once a week despite herself, yet he still wants more without agreeing to help her out.

Stop excusing the attitudes of this man. It’s people like you that allow men like this to continue behaving in this way. “Oh poor men, they’re just such sexual beings. He simply can’t HELP wanting to use his dick more whilst doing very little to understand my feelings. It’s my responsibility to roll over and give him what he wants or let him have sex outside the marriage because I can’t meet his needs whilst I do absolutely everything around the house and spend every minute with our children to the point I’m so touched out”. Why do people like you try soooo hard to defend men like this? Gross.

Incredible, isn't it. The entitlement of it. These kind of people regard their spouses as appliances designed to service them. They are a nightmare to live with, so naturally their spouses lose interest in servicing their whiny demands.

@BurnerAccount123 I would bet my house on it there is actually way more to this. The sex thing is just the tip of the iceberg and the real reasons you have gone of sex are because of many issues that don’t get resolved.

Unsupported with the kids
Unsupported with the house
Bring ignored by him when there are issues
No time to feel like you
No time to rest and sleep
communication issues
Money issues
Past trauma
Depression
Anxiety

Sex is always the visible factor when things are not good. Don’t you dare apologise to him. I’d be taking this quiet time to think about how things are for you and actually how happy you are 💐

Let him fucking sulk

Then set your partner free

I've read a lot of similar posts here but I'm honestly shocked by this. LTB, OP, seriously. I'm also shocked by the posters saying anything else or trying to justify his behaviour.

She doesn’t say anywhere hmshe is exhausted andnthat he doesn’t help