Sex problems. It might be over.

[BurnerAccount123]

I've been with DH for over 10 years and we have 2 children. Since children, my sex drive has nose dived. I'm very much an introvert and have struggled a lot with the lack of alone time and people touching me all the time. Sex is just yet more of someone pawing at me.
We probably have sex on average once a week, I'd be happy with less and this is a compromise. He would like a lot more. I've explained that I don't have much of a sex drive at the moment but he doesn't get it. He thinks if I loved him and was attracted to him I would desire him.
That's the background.

Last night he caught me masturbating and he is absolutely furious, properly LIVID. He was shouting in my face that I'm a liar and that we are done. He thinks this proves that I do in fact have a normal sex drive, i just don't want him. To me masturbating and sex are not the same thing. Wanting a bit of a dopamine hit and stress relief does not mean that I wanted to have sex. Touching myself is not comparable to being touched by someone else.

He didn't give me the opportunity to talk to him last night and he will be blanking me today. We won't get chance to talk until the children are in bed. I don't know how to make him understand. Last night he was very adamant that he has had it with me now. I just can't believe that this might be the thing that breaks up our family.

Oh…the double standards on MN…..

I have stirred quite some reaction though 😂

so I agree. No e is entitled to anything and doesn’t rule our bodies.

question to you all: If my husband/wife doesn’t give me enough sex but I have high sex drive, shouldn’t I find it elsewhere? After all it’s my body

@Rania78 no need to ask why your husband cheated on you 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Ahahaha - and you accuse me of misogynism????

How would he feel about being intimate with you more regularly, but only where he brings you off, and you don't feel that you have to perform or satisfy another person's needs at all? Can he give without receiving?

(Which is reminding me of "The Great", which I watched recently. After months of unreciprocated cunnilingus she in fact ends up falling in love with her husband. Food for thought)

If your husband is happy for you to be in an open marriage, then go for it?

If he's not, and the amount of sex is a deal breaker for you, what's stopping you from leaving the relationship? You are free to leave it. But would be in the wrong if you agreed to stay, but cheated.

Good to see you now understand that not having sex with your partner when you don't want to isn't abuse. Glad we could help you.

I'm actually asking a related question. She doesn't want to have sex though she is. That's one issue.

I'm wondering how it's a marriage if you don't want sex with your spouse? I think there are bigger issues here, basically.

And of course she shouldn't have sex if she doesn't want it, and of course he shouldn't pester her or force her, but equally I don't think he's wrong to expect his wife to want to have sex with him. And that's why he's upset, she's blamed her sex drive for not wanting to sleep with him (though she does, I acknowledge that) but I don't think that's the real reason, because she obviously does desire sexual gratification or she wouldn't be masturbating.

@Rania78 yours and OP situation is very different.

Men go off their wives for very different reasons than why wives go off their husbands.

For men it’s mostly a physical thing
For women it’s mostly an emotional thing.

I’d wager your husband also doesn’t offer you emotional intimacy, touch such as hand holding, cuddling ect as other routes of intimate engagement either.

In your situation and how bitter you come across I suspect you’d be happier leaving - why havnt you?

Oh how fucking grim. A man should expect sex from his wife.

No one is entitled to sex.

A piece of paper does not guarantee sex on tap.

Looking after each other emotionally and physically ensures that both parties actually fucking want to have it!

No one is entitled to it!

That's the point - it's loads FOR HER. It's not loads for him and they are both equally entitled to their wants and needs.

I've had young children and once a week wouldn't have been enough for me either. Luckily, me and my husband were and are in the same page so no conversation was needed. I do think a conversation is needed between OP & her husband because he does feel unwanted and rejected and those feelings are valid. It's not fair in an equal partnership to just say well 'I want it like this and so it doesn't matter what you want'.

Of course no one should have sex when they don't want to but equally no one should feel ashamed or be branded a pest because they want it more.

I didn't say entitled. I'm saying there's a reasonable expectation in a marriage that you will have sex with each other and want to do that. From both sides. It's not a man thing.

Because, back to my question, if you don't desire each other, what makes it different to a cohabiting friendship?

Thanks for admitting you're a troll who likes to get reactions.

You're not entitled to cheat and lie, but we've already seen you have no problem lying. You don't seem to understand the concept of consent. If your spouse hasn't consented to non-monogamy, you are violating his/her right to know the truth about his/her marriage if you go outside it. You are also potentially exposing your spouse to STDs, so it's not just your body that's affected.
Either secure an agreement from him to seek sex with others or leave him if it's so unbearable. I think you won't do either of those things, because you are wedded to your sense of victimhood and outrage.

I don't disagree. The problem could be that her husband is either bad in bed or not into emotional intimacy, so as a result he does not gratify her sexually. Or maybe she's just not into partnered sex after having kids. It happens.
I don't think they have much of a future when they are a bad match sexually, but that's not up to me to decide.

Of course I have. 6 months ago.

You do talk crap.

I don't think they have much of a future when they are a bad match sexually, but that's not up to me to decide.

Exactly. This is where I want to end up. It’s none’s fault, they just have different sex drives. she has the right to not make her body available for sex. However, she has to be honest with herself: Am I doing this because I am tired? Do I have low sex drive or is it that I have no desire for my husband? Having been in her husband’s shoes believe me it’s very frustrating. Anyway. I have left him now and when he realised I am leaving only then he wanted to work things out. Too late.
it is very selfish to keep someone If you don’t want them. And I’m sorry let’s be honest here. The reasons most people stay is so that they do not lose the material benefits. Not becasue they truly desire or love their partner.

@Rania78 please don't compare actual abuse with 'you don't give your partner an orgasm when they want one' that is just awful. No one owes anyone an orgasm, and as the discussion topic is about, you can quickly and easily get one by yourself. It is not abusive to not give your partner an orgasm more than once a week. I've heard everything now.

If you aren't happy with the frequency of sex in your relationship then you have every right to leave that relationship. That's absolutely the right thing to do if you believe that the lack of sex is damaging your mental health.

It's not morally right, however, to stay in that same relationship while secretly shagging someone else without your partner's knowledge, while they believe you're in a monogamous relationship.

Cant you see the difference between those two courses of action?

You are so chewed up with bitterness that your husband didn’t want to have sex with you that your accusing OP of only wanting to stay in the marriage for the benefits of being married, despite her saying the opposite.

Go seek help

Leave as the relationship is over. Simple. You really are confused about the fact sex isn't masturbation and has no link to fidelity.

Do those of you equating sex and masturbation really see them as equivalent?

For me they aren't at all. Sex is an expression of desire and intimacy with a partner, which I may or may not have a drive for at any given moment. Full physical and mental/emotional connection.

Masturbation is usually a quick release to help me sleep, or, as @BurnerAccount123 says, for a quick dopamine hit. For me, it is purely personal, purely physical, and has nothing to do with desire at all, and everything to do with physical release and the chemical effects of the hormones. I'm often quite bored during, and it can be another "chore", like going to the gym - something that keeps my body working well.

And if I'm wanting sex with my partner, masturbation doesn't help in the slightest, the desires are totally different for me and when I want sex, it's not a substitute!

Interested to see this appears to be different for (some!) others.

@Newbutoldfather

It is totally reasonable to masturbate and not be in the mood for sex, but it is one of those things not to shove in your partner’s face, especially if there are already sex ‘issues’.

She privately masturbated and he walked in on her. She wasn't doing it in front of him on purpose. How on earth was she 'shoving it in her partner's face'?!

He clearly was hurt and reacted. There is nothing wrong about human beings being emotional, even if on another level he may totally understand the difference between sex and masturbation.

Nothing wrong with reacting emotionally, no.

Plenty wrong with shouting in their face and then ignoring them for at least a day rather than being open to talking about it.

Dressing up screaming in someone's face as just having an emotional reaction is disingenuous.