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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do I respond to the ex who destroyed me

149 replies

ResetandRestart · 02/07/2024 13:59

Back story in brief.
My ex who I planned my future with, continued to break trust within our relationship with his female friend (alot of messaging and 1am facetime calls only when he wasnt with me arranging to meet up with her but never telling me he had plans not answering her calls if i was there etc) we broke up because of this i just didnt trust him and he never understood the issue.. 5 months later we rekindled after he blocked and unblocked me multiple times during those 5 months (I wanted to get us help to fix our issues he said my mental health was too low and it was not fixable then he would listen to me cry but ultimately block me again) we rekindled for 2 weeks, taking it slow but chatting daily and meeting twice. His ex girlfriend before me rang me unexpectedly one evening after we rekindled and told me that him and her had been sleeping together for the duration of our breakup and he was back in touch with her from day 1 of us splitting up, he promised her the world, turns out it was true and when questioned he said "I said whatever I had to say to get what I wanted" which was sex.....and he promised her all the things she wanted in the future (kids house etc) anyway....

Fast forward to now
We chatted a few days ago. He told me he thinks of me all the time, the love he has for me will never leave, we caught up on what's been going on blah blah blah and he suggested we spend some time together enjoy each others company and have fun (sex) with no expectations...the absolute ego on this man is ridiculous....the sex was terrible, his chat was terrible and there is absolutely no win here for me but he wants me to spend time with him, have sex with him and have no expectations....clearly its what he wants however I'm not into that.. when I met him he knew I was seeking my future partner.....

What do I reply? I need a quick witty full of self confidence and self worth reply...before I block him obviously

OP posts:
icelolly12 · 02/07/2024 14:55

Men like him have a very very fragile ego, particularly when it comes to the bedroom department, so anything relating to his performance/dick size will niggle at him! Immature but it will hurt.

Just block immediately after so you don't read his reply which is likely to be tit for tat

SamW98 · 02/07/2024 14:59

MonsteraMama · 02/07/2024 14:46

Nothing you send him will hurt him as much as you want it to because he doesn't give a shit about you.

He doesn't love you, he doesn't care about you, he views you as a convenient receptacle for his penis and if you send him any of these tragically cringeworthy 'witty' texts, all you'll be doing is giving him permission to slap the label of 'crazy ex' on to you to use as a weapon on the next hapless idiot he tries to convince into bed.

Don't. Have some dignity and just block him.

💯 this.

Ignore delete block - no words are the most powerful message.

All of these so called witty messages will be water off a ducks back and ‘prove’ to him you’re still bothered.

Goodluckanddontfitup · 02/07/2024 15:07

You don’t reply. That is what is going to wind him up the most, knowing that you just don’t care enough to even respond, and driving himself mad wondering what you are up to. Seriously, do not reply ever, just forget him.

FakeMiddleton · 02/07/2024 15:08

ResetandRestart · 02/07/2024 14:17

Silence is powerful everyone your all right however I have this massive desire to send such a kick ass reply back..... maybe I shouldn't though maybe I should be silent because I've never done that before...

However some of these responses are golden xxx

What you think is kick ass will come across to him (and all the blokes he shows it to) as desperate and cringe

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 02/07/2024 15:12

Didn't even read your OP.

The only correct answer is to not respond and block.

You obviously still have feelings for him, but please, DO NOT respond. He doesn't give a shit as his previous actions have proven. He just wants to get his leg over.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 02/07/2024 15:17

thestudio · 02/07/2024 14:05

Haha everyone's much more mature than me.

I'd still like to plant that permanent seed of doubt tho Grin

I liked your suggestion. I was going to suggest the very mature response below
🤣🤣🤣

Noseybookworm · 02/07/2024 15:18

He's not worth a response. Just block him and move on with your life, unless you're thriving on all the drama!

roses321 · 02/07/2024 15:18

I'm going to give you some advice here, as someone who went through a similar situation but I bought a house with him and even got engaged to him... and he was fucking around the entire time and persuaded me I was mentally unwell which I believed and had counselling and medication as a result of it.

When you wake up to what's going on like you have, you need to do the hard thing. It doesn't feel good, but in time, you will thank yourself and be proud of yourself.

The hard thing is to change the access codes on your life. To resist the urge to bite back, respond, argue, engage or defend yourself.

Whilst the snappy responses are great, it hurts people like this far more if you simply give them the ultimate insult: Complete indifference. No response. As though their existence is of no importance to you at all.

It's not satisfying in any sense of the word at first, it actually feels extremely unsatisfying, you almost yearn for the argument, the showdown and to get the aggression out, the anger, the injustice and the hurt. Resist.
All you do by giving any response is feed their ego. You show you are bothered purely by your response.

A bit of time will go by and you'll feel awful and angry and have plenty to say, tell yourself, write it down, text yourself, record yourself - just do whatever you can to get the anger out. Send letters meant for them to yourself. After a while this person will start to suffer, you won't see it though, because you'll have changed the access code to your life. They won't be able to get to you, but rest assured it will drive them mad. It will anger them.

In this time, you need to focus on yourself and constantly re-direct your attention back to yourself. Join the gym, get in shape, find new things to do with your life, find a purpose - it's really hard at first but persevere with yourself. Do therapy if you want to, i always recommend it.

Do not feed the narcs is what I have to say, they will always enjoy attention, good or bad. But indifference? They can't stand that.

brandonflowersmushtash · 02/07/2024 15:21

He likes the drama... don't give him it. Ignore.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 02/07/2024 15:22

Not one word, and block him. You just wrote a lot about him and he is clearly very much on your mind and you want him to see you as smart and funny and sharp...NOPE. Just block him.

And also "we rekindled" is bullshit. Think why you took him back before and do better now.

Darby3785 · 02/07/2024 15:26

You just need to block and move on!

Honestly, anything you reply, he knows he has your attention which isn't a good thing in a situation like this. If you let him he will keep using you, back and forth whilst sleeping with goodness knows who else.

He isn't in love with you, you are not the problem, he is! You don't destroy the people you love 💯

Start today, by loving yourself and getting him gone! Honestly it will hurt, you will miss him, but the time is going to pass anyway. Do you want to use that time going round in circles letting him destroy more of you, or do you want to put that time in to your life!

Wishing you the best

thestudio · 02/07/2024 15:40

I do understand all those saying 'he likes the drama, don't give it to him' or similar - but I think that can be resolved by immediately blocking him once you've slightly soured every future sexual encounter he has.

LakeTiticaca · 02/07/2024 15:42

He's playing you.
Tell him his dick is too small

LittleGreenDragons · 02/07/2024 15:43

thestudio · 02/07/2024 14:04

Hey! Good to hear from you. I'll pass though - If i wanted strings-free sex I would find someone who was good at it.

Ouch!!

Personally I would just block. Sometimes silence is the best way forward (but I do like the quote one too).

Oldcroneandthreewitches · 02/07/2024 15:44

Yet he is still drawing you in.

If he begged you hard enough I recon you’d still give him a chance because you’ve clearly got unresolved issues over it.

Just block the prick

icelolly12 · 02/07/2024 15:45

So op have you blocked him yet/sent a message about his unsatisfactory performance and then blocked.

The longer you drag it out, the more it seems you're hoping for more messages from him?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 02/07/2024 15:45

There are no 'kick ass' responses that you could send. The 'who dis' one is so contrived and it's used so often that it's meaningless. If the recipient is a pedant they will think that they've dodged an illiterate bullet.

This is your life and how would you feel if he posts a 'thumbs up' to whatever 'witty' reply you've sent? Or just doesn't bother to reply? You will be passing control back to him having not been able to stop yourself from replying to him.

Ignore, block and delete. That is the best response ever and you will keep your dignity rather than start engaging with this fool again.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/07/2024 15:46

What he wants from you is a response because he knows he has you then and that is the reward to such types. Do not give him any response but instead adopt radio silence and block.

rainbowsparkle28 · 02/07/2024 15:46

As others have said - just ignore and block. He will probably be more enraged that you haven't even responded, don't give him the satisfaction even of a smart reply.

MimitteAndElsaGoToSwitzerland · 02/07/2024 15:47

I'm going to recommend blocking and silence too.

If it helps, I used this with my abusive ex and it drove him absolutely crazy. Sending him an emotional response would have only fed his twisted ego. Instead he got the message that he wasn't even worth my anger. Much better.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/07/2024 15:47

A response from you also keeps open the lines of Communication which in this case should stay well and truly closed.

ARichtGoodDram · 02/07/2024 15:50

I’m quite childish so I’d likely reply “That’s what Fabswingers is for” and then block him.

It would amuse me that he’d end up wondering if I was on Fab, which profile was mine, had u found better/bigger and probably signing up himself to have umpteen rejections a day.

Just blocking without reply is probably the more sensible route.

roses321 · 02/07/2024 15:53

ARichtGoodDram · 02/07/2024 15:50

I’m quite childish so I’d likely reply “That’s what Fabswingers is for” and then block him.

It would amuse me that he’d end up wondering if I was on Fab, which profile was mine, had u found better/bigger and probably signing up himself to have umpteen rejections a day.

Just blocking without reply is probably the more sensible route.

Yeah they just don't think that way though, it's not about that for them, they just want the attention.

Whataretalkingabout · 02/07/2024 15:56

He is not worth a second of your time, a single thought or the air you exhale.

ThreeEggOmlette · 02/07/2024 16:00

The satisfaction of him checking his phone expecting a reply & there not being one would be 👌🏼 for me.

Bonus points if he sends a follow up text... Aand block.

Honestly, any angry, sassy texts are just going to be laughed at by him & his mates.

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