Why is that when you start asserting boundaries suddenly you become a problem?

[Whyisit9]

Why does this seem to always happen? I’ve been doing some inner work on myself because I’ve been unhappy for a long long time. Part of that inner work is to realise that I people please. I’ve stopped doing this. Suddenly I’ve become a problem, suddenly I have a complex!!!

For example I’ve stopped spending time with people who I’ve always been the one to visit. I don’t like the time spent when I visited because largely they make me feel unwelcome. Suddenly they now think I’m being funny. I’m not, I’ve not said anything I just don’t want to go. I’ve started to pick on things that certain family say to me and telling them I don’t like it. Suddenly I’m acting crazy. I’m really not running around with my pants on my head or anything. I just want to spend my time with people who actually seem to care about me.

Is this a normal thing?

They are making me feel uneasy. stopping people pleasing and asserting boundaries feels alien to me.

It's manipulation. They are trying to browbeat you into keeping the status quo which benefitted them. Don't back down and don't take any shit from them. Just let them know that if they continue to violate your boundaries you won't be seeing them very often.

They liked it when you were a pushover. You are right to decide not to be a doormat any more though. Your feelings matter too. They'll just have to get used to you being more assertive or find another doormat.

Yes, people you've previously always said yes to don't like it when you say no.

Stick to your guns. It will get easier when they realize you aren't going to change your mind. Just remember that you are in the right be asserting yourself. You haven't been aggressive or nasty, you've just been true to yourself. You are not wrong to expect to be treated with the respect and consideration you deserve.

They are pushing back because you have set a pattern. Hold firm.

Completely normal. People are used to a certain dynamic and push back when you try to change.

Yes, normal.

Being a people pleaser often comes from having a family that consistently deprioritised your needs. They have no idea that this is wrong and unfair, and take it for granted that you come last. Later in life, as a people pleaser, you will naturally have attracted many entitled selfish people into your life so you'll have that to deal with too.

Don't worry it's just a natural adjustment to your new "normal".

Because you’ve trained them to expect a certain type of people-pleasing behaviour from you over a long period.

You’ve changed (and good for you, obviously), but no one sent them the memo — the person who has self-presented as meekly bearing criticism in silence, or who could be made to feel unwelcome with no consequences, has abruptly changed the rules and is insisting that her needs are more important than their understanding of the status quo.

Of course, from their POV, you’re the problem. They’re just behaving the way they always have, only now the invisible person who allowed herself to be disregarded is saying ‘Actually, no, I’m prioritising my own needs.’

You’re absolutely right to do what you’re doing, but don’t expect plaudits from the people who benefited from your people-pleasing.

Thanks. I haven’t actually said anything. I’ve just decided that I will mirror the behaviour I get from people back to them. If they don’t bother then I will stop bothering. If they make effort then so will I. It seems to annoy people.

@GlassofIce I haven’t trained them. I have been trained to accept little and be ok with it. I agree they are used to me being small and ok with it.

Just think ‘Is this something I want to do? Is this someone I want to be around? Is this a healthy, egalitarian relationship for me?’ It doesn’t matter whether the other person thinks everything is great, you decide.

As a child, absolutely. So was I. I was raised by a chronic people-pleaser who taught me that my needs came behind those of everyone else, even total strangers, and especially men. That no one would ever tolerate, far less love, me unless I made myself meek and self-denying.

But we’re ultimately responsible for how we deal with that kind of script as adults, and for unpicking it. Every time we present ourselves as less important than the other person in a relationship, we’re training them to expect a certain kind of behaviour from us, in the expectation of being tolerated or loved. It takes serious work to undo that kind of upbringing, but I think it’s important that the people-pleaser acknowledge that they’re also involved in creating certain expectations, to elicit a certain result.

Good luck with the work.

@GlassofIce ah yes in that sense I people pleased so as not to get neglected as a child and as an adult for many years. I suppose to appear unthreatening in the hope I would be liked and not treated badly, like a sad little puppy I suppose. I also hate conflict. But I just can’t do it any longer. I don’t particularly like these people anyway or have similar views.
I do get tired of always being the black sheep but I think I’m just destined to be in my family.

You might find this book useful OP
https://www.dummies.com/book/body-mind-spirit/emotional-health-psychology/emotional-health/general-emotional-health/personal-boundaries-for-dummies-301835/

I’ve had an argument with my DH this morning over not wanting to spend time with some of his family. They make me feel uncomfortable and unwelcome so I’ve said you can go but I won’t be going. He has said I’m causing issues and they’ve said the same to him. I’m not, I’ve not said anything other than I won’t be going. I’m fed up of people expecting me to be invisible and happy with nothing. If they liked me they would make me feel welcome.

A lot of this is subjective.

If someone suddenly changes, people will be disturbed by it. And often when people talk about ‘asserting boundaries’, it often just means being selfish and rude.

There are, of course, doormats, who are taken advantage of. But there is a spectrum between being a people pleaser and aggressive and unpleasant. Maybe aim for the middle?

Definitely haven’t been rude or selfish just stopping putting energy into where I’m not welcome. Haven’t said a bad word or started any arguments. I always try and keep relationships or hold on to ones that just don’t really work for fear of failing.

Would it kill you to go and be nice for a while? How would you feel if your DH said that about your family? You may not like them a lot but they are DH's family and if you have children their family.as well. It sounds selfish and mean to me.

@Bumblebeeinatree Ive been nice for 4 years now. I’ve tried very hard to build on a relationship but they don’t particularly like me it seems. I think they were happy with the status quo before I came along unfortunately. I’ve been telling him for years about it. If it was in return I’d respect it. But then my family don’t behave like some of his. The last straw was when I threw my daughter a first birthday (only family) and they accused me of showing off and she doesn’t need a party. I can’t be bothered anymore.

It's a similar phenomenon to the concept of "if you are used to privilege, equality feels like oppression"

Let's phrase it as "if you are used to using someone as a doormat, being required to treat them as a human being instead feels like too much work"

Well done for starting to assert your right to be treated with dignity and respect. The people who don't want to do that are not people that you need in your life.

Starting to assert boundaries in ways you haven't before will feel strange/uncomfortable both to you and other people. Have a think about the main lines you want to draw (and why), work on those and persevere, without expecting massive positive change in the first instance.
Also I'd suggest dropping phrases like 'people pleaser' and 'doormat' (not that you've used the latter) from your inner vocabulary. They're derogatory labels that aren't helpful. Don't aim to place yourself on some imaginary spectrum based on someone else's opinions - work out what's right for you, based on who YOU are.

People don't like change, especially from someone who they were happy to treat badly. They liked you in your little box, quiet and unassuming. They got to play with you and you'd accept it. Now you're putting boundaries in place they don't like it.

If your dh family don't like you, then they shouldn't be bothered that you won't be visiting any longer, in fact it should be welcomed. Why are they now complaining? Probably because they are losing their scape goat. They also don't like their behaviour being out on the spot light.

By the way, well done for putting these buddies in place. I turned 50 a few years ago and it was like a light bulb, I did similar and simply matched other energy, if they didn't bother with me, I didn't them, if they made me feel uncomfortable I didn't spend time with them. I lost a few 'so called friends' along the way but I'm so much happier and very content with my social circle.

I found that I always tried to prove myself to others that I’m worth liking and I’m getting lost. Now I’m sticking to who I think I am and other people will either like me or not and that’s that. It is an uncomfortable feeling because not being liked (especially by family members) doesn’t feel nice. Certain people want me to be a “doormat” sorry about that use of word. They want me easy and with no needs, always smiling and yes yes no problem.

I completely get how hard it is, because you’re flouting other people’s longterm expectations of you, and yes, sometimes relationships don’t recover (which risks confirming all your childhood training, that people would only love you if you were compliant), but ultimately, it’s worth it. Relationships that only endure if you behave in a specific self-denying way aren’t worth keeping.