Why is that when you start asserting boundaries suddenly you become a problem?

[Whyisit9]

Why does this seem to always happen? I’ve been doing some inner work on myself because I’ve been unhappy for a long long time. Part of that inner work is to realise that I people please. I’ve stopped doing this. Suddenly I’ve become a problem, suddenly I have a complex!!!

For example I’ve stopped spending time with people who I’ve always been the one to visit. I don’t like the time spent when I visited because largely they make me feel unwelcome. Suddenly they now think I’m being funny. I’m not, I’ve not said anything I just don’t want to go. I’ve started to pick on things that certain family say to me and telling them I don’t like it. Suddenly I’m acting crazy. I’m really not running around with my pants on my head or anything. I just want to spend my time with people who actually seem to care about me.

Is this a normal thing?

@Newbutoldfather it has been getting to me. It’s hard having a child with SEN. It’s even harder when family makes you think it’s your fault and offer nothing but criticism instead of support. Everything must be perfect and if it’s not it’s a threat. I am not perfect.

I don’t want to be perfect. I’m happy with who I am, totally imperfect but doing the best I can. They seem to hate me for it.

They have a conscious or unconscious 'safe' way to relate to each other that has been agreed. If everyone sticks to the weather, holidays and non feelings then everyone is 'safe' in the family/group.

If you have one member that brings themselves and strays from the agreed safe space and into things that might be 'unsafe' - they become a threat to the group. If they can't talk about feelings and negativity that will be protecting something that is too painful to look at most probably. They are not deliberately choosing to be unauthentic. Just that doing so might be risky and dangerous.

You can either choose to carry on a relationship with them knowing what their limits are and respecting them (they will be there for a reason)

If most of your other relationships are real, and bring fulfilment it might be that you can live with the fact this one will never be.

You can't change them and shouldn't attempt to.
Accept them as they are, and what they are able to give. Or don't and be comfortable about your reasons if they are actively harmful.

@Hummingbird75 honestly I get the feeling that the mum in particular is hiding the fact that she doesn’t actually have any emotions. Don’t bring them to her because she won’t be able to hide the fact that she can’t/wont care. All the rest of this inner family are the same. Something odd seems to be going on. She is quite hostile towards me, I would say she is pretty damaging.

I think if you do more reading and research you will come to understand the spevific kind of toxic that they are, and the roles they all play in maintaining their safe/comfortable fake world. But its not necessary to do that because you have made a good decision to limit contact. Your dh may push you to explain/argue/show your work. Bit you don’t really have to. Justifying, Arguing, Defending, Explaining (JADE) are all going to end up negotiating away your power.

Just be calm and confident with your decision. When he complains to you or badgers you to see them (mum is unhappy! Sis has made a big effort! Or whatever) just say “thats sad or thats nice but I still can’t go, I'm too busy. Acknowledge that their expectations are not being met (sad) but don’t solve the problem for him by making it easier or joining him in his distress.

Him “but I need you to come!”
You “well im sure you will have a lovely time even if im not there”
Him: my family expect you.
You: you can make my excuses.
Him: mum will be sad/angry/startled
You “well that will be a bit difficult but Im sure you will handle it.

So you stop seeing them and do not feel remotely guilty.
You don't need another reason apart from the fact you are deeply uncomfortable in their company. People will adjust eventually to the new normal.

They could be ND? Or have other issues, but that is not your problem op. The fact is they are hostile. You never need to put up with that. Especially don't allow your dc to see you being treated like this, as they will model your behaviour.

Look after yourself. Trust your own judgement.

@Hummingbird75 that’s what I struggle with. I appreciate that we are different but don’t make me out to be wrong and laugh and ignore me, that’s not on!

It is disrespectful, and would be too any of us. Humour and shared laughter in certain contexts can be used to bully and intimidate as well as unkindness and aggression. Would any of us put up with it? No, and certainly if they were not my own family - you can cut your losses much more easily.

"Because you've trained them to expect a certain type of people-pleasing behaviour from you over a long period..."

I'm not so sure. I think it is the other way round, and in fact it is they who have trained the OP into exhibiting the people-pleasing doormat behaviour that suits them. All of a sudden the OP isn't playing by their rules, and they don't like it one bit.

To the pp who mentioned ' matching energy', I agree entirely and it's something I've tried to implement as a reforming ( not quite there yet)people pleaser. If you're rude, disinterested, self absorbed, snipey etc you'll get exactly the same back whereas those who are genuinely kind, respectful and pleasant to be around will get me at my very best. I have plenty to give but like the OP, will no longer play doormat or be vulnerable to people using me as an easy target to take their crap out on. I think you're heading in the right direction OP. You're taking back control. Good for you.

It’s not even really taking their crap it’s trying to please people in order to get a different response I have issues with. I can’t get a different response because it’s not me that is the issue, they just are this kind of people. I can’t get a loving caring response out of those who don’t offer this behaviour to anyone let alone me. They are this kind of family and I have to accept this. I am a bit of the issue. I can’t be the type of person who fits with this so I’ve learned to fall back. It’s explaining to the DH which is causing issues. I don’t want to be around people who basically invalidate me. My emotions and the way I am is me.

Don't waste any of your life by spending it with toxic arseholes.

@Whyisit9 So your DH tells you that you are causing issues by saying you're not going, and they have told him the same? Yes. You will be causing your DH an issue. Your presence means they target you instead of him. He's using you as a shield against their toxicity. Whilst you remain the focus of their unpleasantness, they leave him alone.

You are currently the scapegoat they can all safely have a go at, and with you not there, they'll have to turn on one of their own instead. Your DH doesn't want that to happen, in case it's him.

I hear you on that.
My birth family treated me like it was my fault when I refused to put up with my cheating, abusive husband anymore. I was never a people pleaser type either, but I guess they kept hoping I would become one like my mother, who was a people pleaser to everybody but me. She assisted my now ex husband in gaslighting me by telling me I was wrong about things he had done to me, that it was just about me being "impatient" with him. I was constantly being told I was lucky to have him by several members of my family, which is a backhanded insult. Thankfully, I did have four family members who were on my side when I left the asshole.
I had to re-evaluate my relationships with the others in the face of their betrayal. I was never going to feel as close to them as I once did and I was afraid to be around them lest I be in for more gaslighting and blame.
I was shell shocked by all of this. The multiple betrayals added to my trauma enormously.

The less contact with toxic people, the better. Hang in there.

What I don’t understand is how some people see them as amazing. I mean they pleasing and go out of their way for others, just not me and a few others that don’t seem to fit. Most people think they are amazing. I’m not that awful to be ostracised like this, well at-least I don’t think so.

Most people don’t see what you see because they are not allowed backstage in the family theater.

@pikkumyy77 I suppose so.

I've become a huge problem to a good number of people and some family since I stopped being a doormat.

Good thing is I don't have them wiping their feet on me anymore.

You’re absolutely doing the right thing - don’t back down.

My motto is ‘distance over disrespect’.

I simply don’t spend time with people who make me feel like shit.

You don't need to find fault with others in order to justify your boundaries.

Boundaries aren't something you apply to other people, they're something you apply to yourself. Yes, there are compromises to be made in life - we all make compromises foe the benefot pf those arpund us we care about. And, often, when people make changes (not just individuals but society too) the pendulum often swings far in the other direction before it settles in its new, comfortable middle place.

That's not to say you're wrong in any of the things you're doing, but, after a while, you might feel more comfortable spending a small amount of time with your husband's family as it becomes your choice to do so. But, at the moment, it's your choice not to.

As others have said, other people will resist when you start asserting boundaries becasie it's changed things for them. The old way worked for them and the new way doesn't.

You wil also get people telling you you are wrong because other people also subscribe to 'being nice' and so being anything else challenges their approach which will also feel wrong to them.

She'll have been trained from an early age by her family but she is also responsible for the dynamic between herself and other people. In that sense, she had given them reason to believe that she will always put them first, be there for them, spend time with them regardless. In that sense, she has set the bar in terms of what they can expect from her. None of these people were involved in writing her blueprint other than her family.

That's not to blame her but it's only when we see that we have agency that we can take back the control and change things.

You don't need to find fault with others in order to justify your boundaries
Absolutely this

Currently you're intellectualising all their faults, the family dynamic and are still drawn in.
They aren't for you, step away

I think you are right @GreyCarpet the pendulum has swung far in my direction because I got pissed at the way they treat me and the comments and I figured not going back would be the best option. I also get down because I don’t know what it is about me that they seem to not like. There is something going on underneath and I don’t really want to be a part of, I just want to be me and that not mean I play this certain
role. I fear I will only fit in if I resign to play this role, they don’t have room for the authentic me. Perhaps I’m just not quite ready in myself to rejoin without feeling a bit rubbish still. It’s not nice to be on the other side.

It’s my feelings that get hurt, they don’t care, have never apologised despite being brought up on certain comments, they carry on regardless. Im not not going to get on their nerves or make my Dh feel sad, im not going to protect my feelings.

Do what's right for you. If staying away feels right for you (for now) then do it. We all need time away from things sometimes!

If in the future, when your boundaries feel more secure, you may decide you will see them sometimes on some occasions and on your terms, then do that too. As part of your compromise within a relationship.

If this becomes difficult because they aren't affording you the space you need right now, then that is a them problem and not a you problem.

Don't get down because you don't know why they don't like you. Unless you can pinpoint times you've behaved badly around them, that is also a them problem and nothing to do with you.

@GreyCarpet It feels rubbish because now
I’m upsetting my DH who obviously loves his family and wants everyone to get on. He can’t make them treat me the way I would like so all the compromise has to come from me. I go on the understanding that I’ve done something wrong according to their rules that I won’t know what that actually is. I get the feeling it’s just me that’s wrong to them.