Why is that when you start asserting boundaries suddenly you become a problem?

[Whyisit9]

Why does this seem to always happen? I’ve been doing some inner work on myself because I’ve been unhappy for a long long time. Part of that inner work is to realise that I people please. I’ve stopped doing this. Suddenly I’ve become a problem, suddenly I have a complex!!!

For example I’ve stopped spending time with people who I’ve always been the one to visit. I don’t like the time spent when I visited because largely they make me feel unwelcome. Suddenly they now think I’m being funny. I’m not, I’ve not said anything I just don’t want to go. I’ve started to pick on things that certain family say to me and telling them I don’t like it. Suddenly I’m acting crazy. I’m really not running around with my pants on my head or anything. I just want to spend my time with people who actually seem to care about me.

Is this a normal thing?

Interesting that it sounds 'selfish and mean' to you simply because she's putting in place some much needed boundaries. 🤦 This is precisely the sort of hostile reaction the OP is talking about!

OP, you are doing important work here. I can relate! Remember the saying: people who don't like your boundaries are those who benefitted by you not having any.

One thing I would say, though, if you want to sort out the wheat from the chaff, is: if you do like, trust or respect some of these people and want to maintain some sort of relationship with them, it can be very instructive (to say the least!) to have a discussion about why you felt some things needed to change. Reasonable people will get it, be accepting and try to meet you halfway. Of course, many others won't, and will try to keep you in your place, ask if you're 'ok', gaslight you, etc, etc, which will then give you all the information you need about deciding how to proceed (or not!) with those 'unreasonable' relationships in the future.

I'm also concerned that your husband is not being more supportive and understanding of the positive changes you are trying to make. After all, continued negation of your own boundaries would be bad for your mental health - and surely that matters to him? If not, and he just wants you to 'keep the peace' and 'go along to get along', then relationship counselling would be a good idea. Individual therapy for yourself, too, could be helpful during this very challenging time.

@GlassofIce it certainly feels uncomfortable. Rejection of who I am doesn’t feel very nice at all. But then neither did trying to win people’s approval and still getting rejected. I think I’ve come to the realisation I’d rather have a few important people who are around me for the authentic me then loads of people who I change around to try and fit.

I had to do this too op and it is so hard. Firstly, it is painful to realise that a sizeable chunk of your relationships are not worth the paper they are written on. Secondly to watch how much effort, resources and care you pour into these relationships , and they will rarely do the same for you in return, it is extremely confronting to be faced with this part of yourself that simply can not stand up for your own needs and wishes in any way. People pleasing is a known condition, we are conditioned from a young age to put others first, that other people's feelings and wishes come way before our own, and our role in life is to soothe, give constantly and be a 'good person'. Somehow that never quite extends to ourselves. The fact you are challenging these entrenched conditions is such a good thing, but it is very much outside of your comfort zone I imagine.

The route back to normal relationships that are equitable and based on equal investment of all sides is extremely challenging. You need to be very clear with your husband with facts and evidence as to why you are no longer facilitating his unkind family, he has been very weak not to have noticed and addressed it. The fact you are having to point out to him how unwelcoming they are shows a level of acceptance on his part. If they want to see you, they can bend over backwards to make you feel welcome and build some bridges. You are not obliged to put up with anyone. You can make that call for yourself, and he will have to get used to it - maybe he doesn't like them much either, and uses you as a way to manage them. In the long run people will have far more respect for you op.

I have noticed this pattern:

1. You start to notice these patterns and wish for change

2. You pull back and let others step up if they want to, many choose not to, because you have always done it before. They wait for you to carry on. You now feel you are selling yourself short by continuing your old ways.

3. Some now start to get agitated when they sense you are not returning to your old role, because you are not doing what you are supposed to do ie facilitate them. They miss the effort and love you put into things and challenge and prod you to continue. Usually they start out doing it nicely, and steady become more insistent and some become openly hostile.

4. You feel uncomfortable and ill at ease, people are now actively challenging you and they may not even 'like' the new you that is prioritising something else above them. Not being liked feels very difficult. It is easy to cave at this moment.

5. You continue to hold firm and tell them they are most welcome to organise a dinner, day out, coffee or whatever it is you usually do for them. Or if you are reducing or ending contact this stage is much easier and passes quickly. You hold damn firm and see what happens. You start to notice that when you now care about yourself and there is a growing strength in that.

6. The outcome is they now split into two camps. One camp are the relationships that do care about you and they will step up. They don't want to lose you. The other becomes distant or falls away - they never cared about you so much as a person, but what you did for them.

7. The camp that steps up resets on a much more balanced equal ground, they sometimes have newfound respect for you. The complacency ends and the relationship can deepen at this point, as you have honest conversations about your expectations and changes happening within you. Those that truly love you will embrace this new self respect.

8. The step down group dries up and can't get used to the change. It doesn't serve them. You are better off without these people. You will come to realise that even if you are sad about the ending.

9. A space now becomes available for new relationships, and this starts to fill up in time with people that start out equitably. These are the best kinds of relationships, because they respect you from the beginning and there is equality.

10. You start to ask yourself what other things in the world can make you happy, are there other ways you can fulfil your own needs, take care of yourself, you start to expand on this - ambitions, dreams, poetry, self portrait, journaling your progress, having therapy, noticing what your body is telling you, investing in yourself and wellbeing. Seeing time as yours and it no longer belongs to everyone else.

Well done Op! Keep going.

OP I, too, want to applaud you for being willing to put in the work and make these changes! Ignore people who criticize or want to tweak what you are doing on stylistic if aesthetic grounds!

Your method if matching the energy others put forth, doing no more than they do, snd choosing when and how you engage, is very brave and wise.

I hope your dh can learn, grow, and support you!

As other have said, if you have behaved a certain way, and accepted certain behaviours, for a long time, it can be very confusing for them when you stop. Doesn't mean that you shouldn't do it, just that you do need to understand that it's not like they're thinking, "Well, fair enough, we've never been very nice to her so I guess it's pretty understandable she's decided not to spend time with us anymore."

I have done a lot of reading and research around narcissists and I've been interested to learn that narcissistic collapse (which can be very severe and genuinely debilitating) often occurs when their victim stops giving them what they need. They genuinely can't cope even though their demands and behaviours have been completely unreasonable by any objective measurement. Obviously, this is extreme vs what it sounds like you're referring to but the premise is the same.

If you've been telling your DH for years that their behaviour is a problem then you absolutely do get to decide not to do it anymore. And I'd say that even if the behaviours are ones that the rest of us might think are fine - the point is that yo don't feel happy and comfortable around them, rightly or wrongly, so you get to decide you don't want to be around them.

Yes, it’s normal. It’s a new manipulation tactic because the old one is no longer working.

I actually think OP should look out for a ramping up of controlling behavior and then increasing anger and agitation as she doesn’t make herself available for the family group grope. The ramping up leads to increasingly overt attempts at control and rebuke, then an extinction burst before shunning or collapse.

Look hard at the rolE your dh has played in the family: golden boy? Scapegoat? Utility child? You may find that he needed to bring you into what I think of as the family constellation as a little satellite moon. Your job was to augment things, or distract frim things, or to be punished in his stead, or to serve as handmaiden. Only you know. But when you spin out of orbit and follow your own path all the other planets will feel a gravitational crisis. They will all start to move differently and this will be upsetting to them.

There is a great essay somewhere on the internet: when you are accused of being difficult and ricking the boat its really because everyone else in the boat has been madly rocking it themselves, running from side to side, putting the voyage at risk. They have been relying on you to counterbalance them. You have been used as counterweight, ballast, and general scut work . Madly bailing as they knock holes in the floorboard.

Of course once you leave at a safe port their own crazy boat rocking becomes apparent and dangerous.

But they will always blame you.

Can I ask why you quoted the OP especially when you’re the first one to comment?

I’m not sure if there is anything sinister going on. His family are all very (some not all)….how can I put it, toxic positive. They portray this image and if you don’t adhere then you shunned. Half of them are on some kind of anxiety meds. They all have this fake my life is amazing don’t bring anything other than this to us. They all avoid any emotion like the plague. They don’t pass on if a family member has died or ill. I feel really sorry for my DH, he is avoidant also. Probably why he thinks I’m being argumentative when I’m not. I don’t want me or my kids around avoidant people all the time, it’s really unhealthy. Eg when our family rabbit died his parents were like who cares just throw in the dustbin to DD, who cried then and they accused her of being dramatic.

I’m avoiding them like they do. I think they are probably pleased as they don’t want to be part of anything real. I’m not holding everything in all the time pretending and getting myself onto medication because you can’t live like this. Not everything can be good all the time.

They all sound quite traumatised if a lot of them take anxiety meds and are all faking appearances. This is how families with a narcissistic dynamic can present. The ones you should avoid are the ones not taking the meds, they will be the ones that have caused all of the damage to the ones on the meds and will be the reason they are taking them. Certainly true for my family of origin.

OP, when you have been a people-pleaser all your life, you will find yourself surrounded by all sorts of unpleasant people, because people with boundaries don't keep people like this in their lives.

But not all people in life are like this - it's just that you will have few genuine people in your life, because you've been so surrounded by users. And for women especially, this is encouraged - hence the 'would it kill you to spend a few hours there' type of messages on the thread. No, it won't kill you, but why should you make effort for people who won't make effort for you?

You are doing great being reciprocal and authentic. And as you get stronger, you'll find it gets easier and easier.

It is a shocking state of affairs when your eyes are finally prised open and you see what you have allowed into your precious life thats for sure.

That is what I was trying to tell my husband. When I visit members of your family. Particularly his inner family, mum and dad etc I can’t be my authentic self. Everyone is on tip toe, fake happy shallow. In not saying I’m a miserable bore. But you aren’t for example allowed to bring anything up remotely emotional. Can’t talk about a death or tell someone you are sorry. If you do then you are ignored or brushed off or laughed at. I find I don’t know what to say or not to say.

@Hummingbird75 what has shocked me is how easy I betrayed myself for a little bit of attention.

I do think there are a lot of modern psychobabble phrases for why it is OK to be selfish.

Now, if you are a doormat, you need to change that and close relationships should be based on equality. And, if you are making that change from doormat to equality, you need to talk about it, in this case with your husband. You two need to agree on what is reasonable or start divorce proceedings. There isn’t really a middle way.

But, no one can be their ‘authentic selves’ all time, assuming they even have this single self that they know is the authentic one. Most people make compromises to fit in with in laws or more distant friends. And, if they don’t naturally get on, they have shorter visits or try to meet somewhere more neutral some of the time. But, sometimes, you need to plaster a smile on and put up with fake bonhomie for a couple of hours. This used to be known as charm or plain good manners.

Ultimately, good long term relationships are based on compromise and, if you aren’t prepared to compromise, or the compromises are too hard, then you do need to consider whether you want to be in the marriage,

What if your ‘authentic self’ happens to be cross and grumpy? You can’t just expect people to accept the authentic you.

With this kind of situation, it is almost impossible to know where on the spectrum your relationship lies. But, if you make sudden changes to your character, you can’t expect people not to be surprised or not react. It might be for the good long term, but be careful of throwing the baby out with the bath water (unless you actually want to).

@Newbutoldfather the compromise with his inner family is to conform or be ignored. It’s too much, I can’t listen to them talking about people and their views unfortunately.

I was telling a story a little while ago and the dad says to me you need to be more like “Laura” she is much more calmer as a parent, she’s raised two calm children. DD has ADHD, parenting her is difficult sometimes but I’m no less a good parent. I can’t stand these comments.

OP I spent years driving 4 hours to see family. I cant do it anymore physically as I'm now disabled. Not one single one of them has visited me in return. Dont waste your life on them any more.

You want to be loved, want to feel welcome, want to be liked by those closest to you - this is not a big ask, it shouldn't even be a question.

Attention is the same as someone seeing you and your value, and contribution and caring enough to ask how you actually are. Dh's family sound mentally unwell with avoidant patterns of relating and quite frankly a painful mixture of pretense and fake happy clapping. I can't blame you for trying to bring some realness into the situation, but it is a waste of time they operate on a superficial level only and anything else will seem threatening. It is worth remembering that they are probably hiding a lot of pain, misery and trauma in the background, hence the need for the toxic positivity. So be mindful of that. You might be surprised by the reasons and the back story.

@Hummingbird75 yes that’s exactly how I feel like I am to them, a threat. I have not been able to figure out why they feel this way as I’m not trying to do anything.

I would respect my DH's integrity and boundaries if he said that about my family.

In fact, once we were visiting my family and my mother was having her usual ten-minute hate about my hair, my weight, my glasses, and he said calmly and correctly: 'That was a rude thing to say!' She was flabbergasted, but it gave me my first inkling that her behaviour wasn't normal and what a load of nasty abuse I'd been putting up with since childhood!

@Whyisit9 ,

‘I was telling a story a little while ago and the dad says to me you need to be more like “Laura” she is much more calmer as a parent, she’s raised two calm children. DD has ADHD, parenting her is difficult sometimes but I’m no less a good parent. I can’t stand these comments.’

You get bigoted people like that everywhere- I think my ex sister-in-law (as in pre divorce, she is still very much alive) was a total narcissist, her entire raison d’etre was to describe her own perfect life and to advise other people on how to improve theirs, all the while downing a couple of bottles of wine and increasing the volume of her speech.

I used to politely see her a few times a year; admittedly sometimes I did bite back, but mostly I just grinned and bore it. I just saw it as part of the quid pro quo of being married.

As long as you are confident they are wrong and just spouting rubbish, it’s like water off a duck’s back.

. They all avoid any emotion like the plague. They don’t pass on if a family member has died or ill. I feel really sorry for my DH, he is avoidant also. Probably why he thinks I’m being argumentative when I’m not. I don’t want me or my kids around avoidant people all the time, it’s really unhealthy. Eg when our family rabbit died his parents were like who cares just throw in the dustbin to DD, who cried then and they accused her of being dramatic.

This and the OP’s story about the family attacking her for throwing her dd a birthday party indicates that these people can not live and let live. For their family culture to work OP must accept not just self censorship/repression but contempt, humiliation, criticism, shame z(they shamed her for the birthday party).

This is not a question of putting up politely with small differences or bad cooking: these people are not good to OP.

If people want to host me they can put themselves out not to make me uncomfortable. Thats what I do when I host them. I don’t see that OP has to accept the bizarre treatment her husband’s family dishes out just because some other poster thinks its normal to accept insult and repression with the inlaws. Life is too short to waste on people who don’t like you.

Anyway, they are kicking off because you are doing the right thing! I'm thrilled to hear you're finding your strength and authenticity! 💪

It's like a toddler tantrum. Look up 'extinction burst' - the way a behaviour ramps up when it is challenged. From their point of view, acting like they do has always had results from you before, so they're just trying harder with the same strategy to try and get the same result.

it feels uncomfortable when you first change because you're changing your own long-ingrained patterns, but my gosh, it gets easier as you get more practise! Don't worry if you wobble a bit - keep hold of your principles. 🙂