Why is that when you start asserting boundaries suddenly you become a problem?

[Whyisit9]

Why does this seem to always happen? I’ve been doing some inner work on myself because I’ve been unhappy for a long long time. Part of that inner work is to realise that I people please. I’ve stopped doing this. Suddenly I’ve become a problem, suddenly I have a complex!!!

For example I’ve stopped spending time with people who I’ve always been the one to visit. I don’t like the time spent when I visited because largely they make me feel unwelcome. Suddenly they now think I’m being funny. I’m not, I’ve not said anything I just don’t want to go. I’ve started to pick on things that certain family say to me and telling them I don’t like it. Suddenly I’m acting crazy. I’m really not running around with my pants on my head or anything. I just want to spend my time with people who actually seem to care about me.

Is this a normal thing?

I can see that he wants everyone to get on, but he only wants you to change to achieve that (changing them would be impossible for him - or anyone).

And your last line is right - a closed, dysfunctional family system like that is threatened by anyone from outside it. They can only exist while everyone agrees to live in the same dream world. It's nothing you've done wrong, and you could knock yourself out trying to be perfect if you wanted and it still wouldn't work - your outsider status makes you the de facto scapegoat.

In time, you could learn to detach and laugh at it and play 'dickhead bingo' with it ('oh, there's another reference to how great someone else is, tick'). Detachment really is a superpower. Ask yourself how you can take the emotion out of this for the sake of your own peace of mind. Things have clearly got to a 'hot point' here, and a little distance might help you regroup.

Maybe take a little time to read about toxic families - Susan Forward's books on this are excellent - and perhaps the knowledge of the patterns will give you power.

@Newbutoldfather Our authentic selves emerge when we do what serves us - which is whatever brings us joy and peace. When we do what does not serve us, we feel grumpy and irritable - being grumpy and irritable is therefore a sign of doing things that do not serve you, and an indication to change what you are doing.

what you term as 'selfishness' is really 'filling your own cup before passing it to others'. No-one can successfully pour from an empty cup.

So as we grow into our true selves, we become more able to compromise out of love for others. It's about having discernment - and compromise out of fear, obligation or guilt isn't compromise at all, it is giving in to blackmail.

If tending to self first is selfish, then I'm proud to be selfish, because you can't help others with their oxygen masks if you don't put your own on first.

@Compash honestly I’m afraid to say I’ve tried quite hard to feel welcome, tried to talk about the same thing to see if it works. Nothing has worked. At the moment I can’t quite detach, not sure how to do that. Especially when others seem to get a different version. I think the thing with me though is that I’m after a 50/50 relationship, I’m not doing all the work. I’m not worshipping people. They don’t visit despite being a few miles away and perfectly healthy. I’m not going anymore if they don’t come here also. I’m also like this in my relationship with their DH, we are equals, I’m not worshipping him either, despite this being how they think I should. He has to get his hands dirty with parenting and they think it should be my role 100%. We just aren’t going to get along I don’t think.

You chose your husband whilst you were deep in people pleasing mode.
How do you think that affected your choice of partner?
He has had a relationship with you on that basis.
You have changed, not him.
You are developing self-esteem, self respect, and establishing boundaries.

Perhaps he is no longer the man for you?
Up to him to respect how you have grown as a woman or perhaps ye are not right for each other.

Do NOT stop evolving OP.

@Greydays10 I have started to think he is a little immature in how he deals with things. It upsets me he can’t see how placing me in situations that upset me is unkind to me. If he was saying I know how they can be but I appreciate you trying for me I’d feel differently but he putting the full blame on me. I feel it’s going to start arguments and I’ll cave and end up back to feeling like shit again, I hope I don’t.

I feel like how I feel doesn’t matter to anyone. The fact that I have one daughter with ADHD and parenting her has been so difficult. I love her to pieces but I feel invisible to many people. I’m only of use when I act a certain way. No one around me goes out of their way to ask if I’m ever ok. (I have a couple of good friends who understand but family side nothing). I’m sick of having to act a certain way to get some kind of attention.

Do you think the person on the receiving end of the people pleaser feels powerful because in people pleasing you are saying that you are less and the recipient is more? I wonder if that’s why I’m being ignored because I want to be equal?

Therapist here op. Your people pleasing tendencies will run deep so you will have naturally surrounded yourself with people receptive to this. Often those people are users or manipulators, they take advantage of your character and are happy to stay in that relationship dynamic. The relationship then goes on "happily" for many years, you giving and them taking. Now your asserting more healthy boundaries you will be seeing their bad side coming through. They won't like you saying no, having boundaries, they can no longer take advantage Actual decent people will understand is someone says no etc. you may need to lol at the actual nature of the relationship rather than simply changing your boundaries as the nature of the relationship can be flawed to its core. It's a difficult place to find yourself in so I wish you well 😁

You are still intellectualizing this, as PP have pointed out. To me that us an indication that you need more support. Your decision to go LC is good and well reaasined. But you are still in pain because you have taken a bold step and your dh is unable to accept your thinking or your new acts.

. In effect you are ruminating on the relationship with his family but at s certain point that becomes counterproductive. You gain some clarity but the real issue for you is your dh doesn’t understand your thoughts or arguments and so your growth, your new bold way of living, is threatening your marriage.

Stay back from the whole thing and continue working on yourself.

@sarahc336 that’s for the reply. Sorry just want to understand the bit about lol at the relationship? Do you mean I need to laugh at it? It is ridiculous.

@pikkumyy77 Im trying to understand what’s happening. I think I understand the other poster who said it’s rotten to the core. People pleasing and narc like I suppose.

Two things:

Firstly if you change the way you behave towards someone without explaining why (and you may be right not to try and explain) they will wonder what is going on. They may think you are being off with them, and they are not wrong - you are. Maybe for good reason, but you are avoiding them because they offended you.

Secondly, people who don't have natural healthy boundaries tend to get it slightly wrong when they push themselves to consciously enforce boundaries. They enforce them more rigidly and in a more hostile way because they don't know how to do it in a pleasant but consistent way. It doesn't mean you are wrong to do it, just that it will not necessarily go as you wish.

I thoght that was probably a typo for look but it was a damned good one.

@TheYearOfSmallThings what would be a more healthy way? All I’ve done is back off. If they speak to me I’m decent but no one has contacted me in almost 2 months…and that includes our children unfortunately.

Hmm, if the op really has been groomed to be a people pleaser then don't do middle ground as that will still mean people pleasing! Op carry on, people will soon get used to it and find someone else to what they want - looking at you mother! You may find (as again with my mother) that you lose people once you are not any practical use, that's quite a sad thing to realise so prepare.

There’s nothing like finding your edges and holding your boundaries for sorting out the real from the fake friends. The real friends will - even if it takes time - respect you and accept you as you are. The fake ones will vote with their feet at some point. It’s not comfortable but it is necessary if you want actual head space in your life. In-laws, tricky. For the sake of spouses we might sometimes have to hold the boundaries internally - ie limiting what we disclose about ourselves or keeping off certain topics/politely redirecting the conversation; setting limits on when we see them and sticking to them. It doesn’t inevitably mean a confrontation but, if people confront us, we have the option to walk away.

"Secondly, people who don't have natural healthy boundaries tend to get it slightly wrong when they push themselves to consciously enforce boundaries. They enforce them more rigidly and in a more hostile way because they don't know how to do it in a pleasant but consistent way. It doesn't mean you are wrong to do it, just that it will not necessarily go as you wish. "

I think you've made an excellent point there ( sorry couldn't tag your username). Often people pleaser really find it difficult to strike the right balance when pushing back. It's easy to be too forceful in the quest to get people to see you differently and not a pushover, simply because we haven't learnt the " right" way to do it. I for one, have certainly pushed people away and been a bit sharp when finding my voice and in an effort to get others to take me seriously... With practice and time though, you do start to make progress and manafe to assert boundaries without driving others away.

I find his family really difficult. I would say the mum is definitely the leader. You either accept this and adapt to how she wants to be portrayed or you are nothing. I don’t see her as anything more special. I have my own thoughts and opinions which do differ at times. I’m not looking for her to validate me just acceptance of who we are. She is looking for pleasers, I think she likes the control of them and of how she likes to look. I have seen over the years a really awful side. For example it’s all good when you behave the way she wants and everything is all positive. But if something happens and you need support she runs as fast as she can in the other direction, she will abandon you. She has done this to all her family members. I don’t like this at all and it’s completely changed the way I see her. The way she has abandoned my DH at time is disgusting.

Literally since I’ve backed off I’ve not heard anything in months. I never backed off rudely I just stopped trying.

The people who object to you setting boundaries are the people who benefitted from you having none. I cannot take credit for this quote but I think it is excellent and very fitting. Good luck I am in a similar situation myself and it is difficult.

Then you have your answer: she can’t tolerate the (to her) subordinate position of reaching out, accommodating you or her son, thinking about the grandchildren as other than props.

I think there is some utility in thinking about your new, simple, boundary of “matching their energy” as a kind of shakedown cruise. Now you can see how seaworthy your new approach is, where you take on water, where you need to trim the sails.

Frankly I think you need to just keep on with your own self! Outside your boundary, outside the fence, your mother in law is having an extinction burst—or ramping up for one. Your dh is getting more and more anxious without having the wisdom you have, or the guts, to join you in your wuest for freedom.

Inly you can know if he can stay in a marriage not defined by passive servitude to his mother’s family.

I’m struggling because I can’t help but look at her as this type of monstrous abandoning person now. I don’t know how to be in her company knowing what I think about her. My face will just give it away. The rest of the family are just part of this.

It is the way you changed suddenly from pleasant and accommodating to NOPE! No visits, no effort on my part. A gradual change is more difficult to achieve but more likely to lead to behaviour change on their part, and to you learning to assert boundaries that don't bite you on the ass.

If it was only your husband's family I would just shrug and let them ignore you, but you started your post with "Why does this always happen?" and I am guessing it is not just a MIL issue.

@TheYearOfSmallThings it’s not been that drastic. I’ve been telling DH for years that I feel something is going on. He has asked them to be more accommodating but they haven’t made any effort. I have slowly stopped making efforts but now I’ve just had enough really.

The only people who don't like you having boundaries are those benefitted from you having none.