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Original poster

Husband name calling

108 replies

Violetroses22 · 27/06/2024 06:31

My husband and I have been a bit rocky recently.
Things have started to get better and I felt like we were both making an effort and we were getting along much better.

Without giving too much information we've been having more sex lately and trying stuff we hadn't before (nothing crazy, spanking and things).

Anyway. Last night he was talking about it and randomly asked me how I knew I liked it. Said I didn't know, I just didn't then he asked if I'd done anything like this before.

I instantly got a bit awkward and embarrassed as I wasn't expecting him to ask me and also I don't want to talk about my previous boyfriends and sex life with him.
I panicked and said none of your business.

He instantly got really cross and started saying you need to tell me what you've done or else I'm thinking the worst.

I told him but also tried to change the subject and didn't want to give much away as I knew it would annoy him and I was embarrassed.

He kept saying just answer the question. Then got really cross and called me a fucking slag. Started saying that he had a right to know what I'd done before him as he would divorce me if I'd been a "slag" before him.
I got very upset and told him he can't speak to me like that. How would he like it if someone spoke to our daughter that way. He said she wouldn't be a moron.
He said I don't deserve the way he's treated me before (so we'll apparently but he has called me names before).
He later asked for sex and I told him no. I was upset and he hasn't even apologised.

Still hadn't. Just blamed me for pushing him to it by not answering the question straight.

I'm just gutted. Everytime I try and make things better he has some kind of outburst which he blames me for.

Just want a husband who respects me and doesn't call me a slag for God sake.

If he didn't want to know, why ask? And I can't help what's happened before him. He always says he wishes I was a virgin when we met. Makes me like I'm not good enough.

OP posts:
Headingtowardsdivorce · 27/06/2024 06:36

I'm sorry, but your husband sounds awful! The only way you're ever going to have a husband who respects you is if you divorce him and find a new one.

He calls you misogynistic names

He's obviously jealous of previous partners, ie possessive

He doesn't care if he upsets you

He turns it round to put the blame on you for your own upset

It sounds like he's trying to get you to agree to do sexual stuff that you don't want to do

What does he do to show you that he loves you for you?

LemonCitron · 27/06/2024 06:40

He's an absolute dick. He has no right to know anything about your previous sex life unless you choose to share it, and calling you a fucking slag for having had sex before you met him implies a deep level of misogyny.

RedHelenB · 27/06/2024 06:48

Was he a virgin when you met?

windyweather66 · 27/06/2024 06:50

Find your anger OP....what an awful man, treating you like that, when he's supposed to be your loving husband!

He treated you appallingly then wanted sex! I'm so glad you refused. If you'd given in it would've just bolstered his lack of respect for you, for that's what it is and it's going to get worse, so nip it in the bud if you can.

It's manipulation pure and simple; quite why he's bringing it up now I don't know, but there will be a reason.

Refuse to engage with him when he starts asking you those types of questions.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/06/2024 06:52

Your relationship has been and still is very much rocky. You may well have put some work in to improve things but he’s been paying lip service. Is this a man you want to remain with going forward?. I would think long and hard about that.

AgentJohnson · 27/06/2024 06:57

Just want a husband who respects me and doesn't call me a slag for God sake.

Then you need to marry someone that isn’t an arsehole. This is who he is and living with him is constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Original poster
Violetroses22 · 27/06/2024 07:39

Thank you for your replies.
I told him it was none of his business. Apparently it is his business because if I was a "slag" before we met and he found out now he would divorce me. Thanks.
No he was not a virgin before we met. He holds me to different standards.
He only just apologised because I kept telling him how it wasn't okay. Didn't do it off his own back though and I don't think he even means it.
He's now trying to have sex with me still with our 18 month and 4 year old downstairs.
I said no. You're supposed to be watching them whilst I get ready. He said its fine to leave them. It is not. He's acting like a sex pest and it's horrid especially after what he said to me last night.
I told him he is the very last person in the world who should speak to me like that. He just keeps saying it's because I didn't answer properly so he thought the worse

OP posts:
Original poster
Violetroses22 · 27/06/2024 07:50

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/06/2024 06:52

Your relationship has been and still is very much rocky. You may well have put some work in to improve things but he’s been paying lip service. Is this a man you want to remain with going forward?. I would think long and hard about that.

I don't see how we can really repair this now.
He hasn't even properly apologised and is basically defending it and saying it's because of how I answered the question.

OP posts:
windyweather66 · 27/06/2024 08:08

How stupid is he? He knows he's massively overstepped and now he wants sex he's trying to backpeddle to cover his balls up.

He had a sex life before he met you, but you're not shaming him over it. Such double standards, so typical of mysogynist men!

Just don't start feeling you have to defend yourself and your past.

BananaLambo · 27/06/2024 08:17

Throw it back at him every single time.

‘I wish you were a virgin when we met.’ ‘I wish you were one too.’

’How did you know you would like it?’ ‘I dunno. How did you know you would like it?’

He wants you on the defensive because it’s the easiest way to control you - he’s trying to neg as gaslight you to make you so grateful to have him you’ll be compliant. Just throw it back at him. Or just leave him. He sounds rubbish.

Girlmom35 · 27/06/2024 08:28

He sounds horrible. Typical man who wants a virgin whore.
I'm sorry you're being treated this way.

As hard as it is, I think you're going to have to start accepting that he is who he is, and really seeing him for who he is.
You're still trying to change him, fix him, love him enough to finally start treating you the way you deserve and the way you've been treating him. That's never going to happen.
Men like him have a pattern. They treat you like shit, but give you just enough shimmer of hope now and then to get you hooked again, to make you believe that there's a decent man underneath somewhere.
There's not.
Whenever he's nice, he's doing that because he realises that he might lose you if he keeps pushing it. He's not being nice because he cares about you or loves you or thinks you deserve to be treated nicely. He doesn't give a shit how you feel. He's nice because he gets something out of it.

Original poster
Violetroses22 · 27/06/2024 09:30

Girlmom35 · 27/06/2024 08:28

He sounds horrible. Typical man who wants a virgin whore.
I'm sorry you're being treated this way.

As hard as it is, I think you're going to have to start accepting that he is who he is, and really seeing him for who he is.
You're still trying to change him, fix him, love him enough to finally start treating you the way you deserve and the way you've been treating him. That's never going to happen.
Men like him have a pattern. They treat you like shit, but give you just enough shimmer of hope now and then to get you hooked again, to make you believe that there's a decent man underneath somewhere.
There's not.
Whenever he's nice, he's doing that because he realises that he might lose you if he keeps pushing it. He's not being nice because he cares about you or loves you or thinks you deserve to be treated nicely. He doesn't give a shit how you feel. He's nice because he gets something out of it.

Yeah it doesn't seem he cares about me at all.
Even said to him couldn't you see how uncomfortable and embarrassed I was by your sudden questioning and respect that. Maybe ask nicely and make me feel like it's safe to answer if you must ask. Not just get angry and basically threaten me into answering.
I literally said again this morning that he shouldn't have called me that.
He said don't make me think it then (because I didn't answer straight away apparently).
I called him an asshole and now he's saying I'm not better then, I'm calling him names so I'm just as bad.
Not the same and mine was in defense.
I'm just so upset that someone who is meant to love me could talk to me this way...then bloody defend it.
Throwing it back won't work. He always maintains that women should be pure and men aren't the same so he wouldn't care I'd I said anything like that to him.

OP posts:
MonsteraMama · 27/06/2024 09:34

Christ honestly some men are so fucking thick the mind boggles. Calls you a slag and slut shames you for daring to have a sexual past, then has the audacity to still ask for sex? Did he loan his single braincell to a cat for the day?

Do yourself a favour and take him up on his offer of divorce, he views you as his property and your body as his personal masturbation aid. That's not someone to stay married to.

Comtesse · 27/06/2024 09:36

He IS an asshole. And a misogynist. Shame on him, you are completely entitled to be furious about this.

Headingtowardsdivorce · 27/06/2024 09:51

He always maintains that women should be pure and men aren't the same

Men who think like this are revolting imo

HarrytheHobbit · 27/06/2024 09:58

Your marriage is over.

Original poster
Violetroses22 · 27/06/2024 10:00

Exactly.
He's literally made me feel like a piece of meat and absolutely worthless.
And then trying to have sex with me without even attempting to make amends just proves his lack of respect.
I know he's an ass but it still hurts he thinks so low of me.
He's always going on about being a 'man'. He said a real man would care about his wife's past.
I was like a real man wouldn't treat his wife this way.
He's deluded
Bit still made me feel like a piece of trash

OP posts:
Original poster
Violetroses22 · 27/06/2024 10:01

HarrytheHobbit · 27/06/2024 09:58

Your marriage is over.

I think so too.
The fact of the name calling is bad
enough.
But to then continue to defend it, blame me and not apologise.
How can I come back from that

OP posts:
Headingtowardsdivorce · 27/06/2024 10:02

I'm really feel for you, unfortunately I've been there myself and it's horrible 💐

Original poster
Violetroses22 · 27/06/2024 10:02

I'm sad I chose a man like this to be the father of my children. I feel ashamed he sees me this way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Violetroses22 · 27/06/2024 10:02

Headingtowardsdivorce · 27/06/2024 10:02

I'm really feel for you, unfortunately I've been there myself and it's horrible 💐

I'm sorry you've been through similar aswell
Thank youx

OP posts:
AutumnFroglets · 27/06/2024 10:04

Just want a husband who respects me and doesn't call me a slag for God sake.
Then you need to marry someone else. He doesn't respect you, and from reading your posts, I don't think he even likes you. You are just there. Find out how to leave him.

He's now trying to have sex with me still with our 18 month and 4 year old downstairs. I said no. You're supposed to be watching them whilst I get ready. He said its fine to leave them.
He's not safe to look after them. Even if you think he's downstairs watching them, is he really watching them or in a different room? An 18 month old needs constant watching.

So there you have it. He doesn't care about you, he doesn't care about his children. Get rid and protect ALL of you from a horrible selfish man (who won't change btw so don't even bother trying). And make sure you double up on contraception in the meantime.

Headingtowardsdivorce · 27/06/2024 10:04

Violetroses22 · 27/06/2024 10:02

I'm sad I chose a man like this to be the father of my children. I feel ashamed he sees me this way.

The thing is, you would never have chosen him if he'd have revealed his true self at the beginning of the relationship would you? He's waited till he thinks he has you trapped.

You have nothing to be ashamed of, this is his shame.

StrawberryWater · 27/06/2024 10:08

Get rid of him.

My husband went through a period of being verbally abusive about 10 years ago but when I told him I was leaving him he got extensive therapy for his behaviour and has never called me another name (and still attends therapy).

That said, however, my husband is not a misogynistic prick and wasn't calling me a 'slag' for my past and treating me like a misogynistic prick and then refusing to take responsibility for his own actions. Your husband is rank and all this talk of being a 'real man' is straight out of the weird side of the neckbeard playbook and the Andrew Tate school of bullshit. Ick.

Kick him back to the sea.

anythinginapinch · 27/06/2024 10:10

I wouldn't have married any man who ever said women should be pure. What did you think - that he'd make an exception of you?

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