Husband name calling

[Violetroses22]

My husband and I have been a bit rocky recently.
Things have started to get better and I felt like we were both making an effort and we were getting along much better.

Without giving too much information we've been having more sex lately and trying stuff we hadn't before (nothing crazy, spanking and things).

Anyway. Last night he was talking about it and randomly asked me how I knew I liked it. Said I didn't know, I just didn't then he asked if I'd done anything like this before.

I instantly got a bit awkward and embarrassed as I wasn't expecting him to ask me and also I don't want to talk about my previous boyfriends and sex life with him.
I panicked and said none of your business.

He instantly got really cross and started saying you need to tell me what you've done or else I'm thinking the worst.

I told him but also tried to change the subject and didn't want to give much away as I knew it would annoy him and I was embarrassed.

He kept saying just answer the question. Then got really cross and called me a fucking slag. Started saying that he had a right to know what I'd done before him as he would divorce me if I'd been a "slag" before him.
I got very upset and told him he can't speak to me like that. How would he like it if someone spoke to our daughter that way. He said she wouldn't be a moron.
He said I don't deserve the way he's treated me before (so we'll apparently but he has called me names before).
He later asked for sex and I told him no. I was upset and he hasn't even apologised.

Still hadn't. Just blamed me for pushing him to it by not answering the question straight.

I'm just gutted. Everytime I try and make things better he has some kind of outburst which he blames me for.

Just want a husband who respects me and doesn't call me a slag for God sake.

If he didn't want to know, why ask? And I can't help what's happened before him. He always says he wishes I was a virgin when we met. Makes me like I'm not good enough.

It is not you, it‘s him. Keep repeating that whenever doubts come to mind. He’s not going to treat the next woman nicely because he doesn’t see women as human beings.

wishing you all the best for the future.

He’s probably been watching Andrew Tate etc. I had one like this. Used to throw tantrums and get so angry if I answered when he asked me about past stuff - then claimed that his (and other 14yrs told friends back at school getting a bow job off some random girl behind school) was in the past and if he hadn’t had sex before we met he would have been ‘weird’. The double standards are staggering.

What an abusive prick, clearly a very insecure one too which tbh most are.

I hope you are ending it, would be an awful way to live.

Internet or not no excuse for talking like that. Clearly wanted to know about your past to then use it against you.

Id dump his ass he's vile

OP, you are not the one who needs to feel ashamed.

The shame lies squarely with the person you had the misfortune to marry and his horrible mindset.

It's really silly but I keep thinking he'll meet someone else and treat them properly and nicely and he's right that it's because of me he is like this.

Years of being verbally abused will do that to you. He may start another relationship and maintain a facade of better behaviour for a while but just like with you the mask will slip. Perhaps he will choose someone more vulnerable and easier to manipulate next time and she will stay with him despite the abuse, by that time you will be grateful to have escaped.

He is a misogynist who views women with contempt. There is nothing you could do or be that would make him respect you. The abuse is a way of controlling you.

Turn it around and ask yourself why the good opinion of an awful man matters? It doesn't.

Please don't accept an apology from him, no decent man refers to his wife as a "slag" so an apology would not make him a better person.

Leave him and let him marinade in his Andrew Tate/MRA bitterness.

Thank youx

Yeah, you're so right.
I need to let go of what I thought he was and what I wanted him to be because he isn't a decent guy.

Has he been reading a lot of stuff online? Like Andrew Tate?

He sounds awful OP. He obviously has deep seated problems.

I think so.
He's definitely mentioned andrew tate before.

He’s appalling OP.
Speak to Women’s Aid about how to LTB in the safest way possible.

Agree with grey rock as a tactic. Sounds like he’ll enjoy the drama of you arguing back and will just escalate to saying even worse things then blame you anyway.

Good luck getting everything sorted to leave the arsehole behind.

💐

Good for you for seeing through the abuse! Get out as soon as you can.

It really doesn’t matter where he got his ideas the entire of what he said, and the way it functions in your marriage, is simply to degrade you in order to control you, and contryyou on order to degrade you. That’s it. That’s the goal. He doesn’t care if its true or not. Or fair or not. Or if his abuse destroys your marriage. If you accept it he has turned you into a submissive, beaten down, sex slave who doesn’t dare refuse him. If you push back he can fake apologize for a while before resuming the attack.

“Yes I was a slag and I had a great time, just like you, now go and feck off. Send me the divorce papers tomorrow”

Good riddance OP.

My ex was the same OP. He won’t meet someone new and treat them better. He may at the start of a new relationship but abusers can’t fake who they are for long. My ex has had a string of relationships since I left him (with multiple declarations of love on social media I’ve heard) and they’ve all broken up with him within the year when they see his true colours.

This.

Don’t put yourself in danger by antagonising him as other posters have suggested. Don’t discuss it with him either. You’d be wasting your breath. Someone who calls you names then pressures you to have sex is solely focused on degrading and controlling you.

I had to adopt the grey rock method with my ex. I tried and tried to get through to him and he never saw anything from my point of view. He made my life hell. This man does not want what’s best for you. He doesn’t respect you. He doesn’t love you. He’s poison and the only way to improve your life is to leave him.

I'm not surprised you're mentioning Andrew Tate here.

Your husband is a low quality specimen of a man (and probably not capable of thinking for himself).

You deserve much better than this.

Thanks so much everyone for your messages.
I have messaged womens aid for advice.
I am a sahm so I really have nothing so I don't know where to begin with leaving.
I just know I don't even want to be around him.
I just heard him come home and I've gone to the bedroom. I've never felt like this before.
Luckily I sleep with the babies so I won't have to see him until tomorrow...

Thanks. I enjoyed this😁

You’re not crazy, you’re not a slag and you’re not wrong! I don’t have much else to say except listen carefully to what has been written here for you. Your husband is manipulating your mind and your view of yourself. You can’t control the past and well done for not asking him about his past which I sense he was trying to provoke you to do. In my experience those conversations never end well.
keep your head up and don’t give any mind to his insults.

Thank you.
No, I wouldn't ever want to know what he was up to before me because I know I would not like to hear it...like he doesn't.

Ifeel silly for taking this long to realise his treats me so badly. He's done some horrid stuff to me before and I've just let it go or made excuses for him. Why couldn't I see it. I'm just glad I can now I guess.

No, I'm going to just try and avoid him. Hard though as I know he won't let me. He'll try his hardest to get my attention and turn on his "charm"..or get angry probably and blame me for being difficult.

But I really hate him right now and can't face being around him so I'll do my best to keep out of his way.
I did tell him to go stay on the block last night because I was so upset but he's just ignored that...

I really appreciate you all listening to me and taking the time to reply.

I haven't spoken to anyone in real life about this so it's nice to have somewhere to vent.

Thank you

He sounds like a total bastarding arsehole. Easy to say on the internet though. Proceed with caution and get your ducks in a row incase you decide to leave in the future. You are worth more. Xxx

@Violetroses22

And I can't help what's happened before him. He always says he wishes I was a virgin when we met. Makes me like I'm not good enough.

He wasn't a virgin when you met him? Why not? If he says "it's different for men" then he's just a hypocrite really, isn't he?

man who wants a virgin whore.
Yes - that's it. Wanted a virgin, or "an angel" but is now pestering you for sex instead of looking after his very young children in the house and after he's been vile to you. 🌹

@Violetroses22

I'm so sorry you've ended up with a piece of crap like this.

I'm always gobsmacked when I read that blokes actually agree with that low-life Andrew Tate(none of my friends do, or they would be ex-friends). Concerns me that they are out and about walking amongst us.

I was married to my late wife for 47 years. Like most marriages, we had our disagreements.

But I never, ever called her a slag. Actually, I never called her names, full stop.

It's all about Love and Respect.

Get rid, you'll be so much happier and that is what makes our lives worthwhile.

Otherwise, what is the bloody point?

I’d be leaving at that OP. You don’t need to live with that. The fucking monster - how dare he?

But I really hate him right now and can't face being around him

Hold on to that, OP, and never forget that this man who is supposed to love and cherish you called you that. Absolutely despicable.