Husband name calling

[Violetroses22]

My husband and I have been a bit rocky recently.
Things have started to get better and I felt like we were both making an effort and we were getting along much better.

Without giving too much information we've been having more sex lately and trying stuff we hadn't before (nothing crazy, spanking and things).

Anyway. Last night he was talking about it and randomly asked me how I knew I liked it. Said I didn't know, I just didn't then he asked if I'd done anything like this before.

I instantly got a bit awkward and embarrassed as I wasn't expecting him to ask me and also I don't want to talk about my previous boyfriends and sex life with him.
I panicked and said none of your business.

He instantly got really cross and started saying you need to tell me what you've done or else I'm thinking the worst.

I told him but also tried to change the subject and didn't want to give much away as I knew it would annoy him and I was embarrassed.

He kept saying just answer the question. Then got really cross and called me a fucking slag. Started saying that he had a right to know what I'd done before him as he would divorce me if I'd been a "slag" before him.
I got very upset and told him he can't speak to me like that. How would he like it if someone spoke to our daughter that way. He said she wouldn't be a moron.
He said I don't deserve the way he's treated me before (so we'll apparently but he has called me names before).
He later asked for sex and I told him no. I was upset and he hasn't even apologised.

Still hadn't. Just blamed me for pushing him to it by not answering the question straight.

I'm just gutted. Everytime I try and make things better he has some kind of outburst which he blames me for.

Just want a husband who respects me and doesn't call me a slag for God sake.

If he didn't want to know, why ask? And I can't help what's happened before him. He always says he wishes I was a virgin when we met. Makes me like I'm not good enough.

I would ask him why he’s being such a cunt? Then kick him to the kirb.

This is disgusting, OP and I’m sorry.
What would be worse is if you stayed and gave all that absolute disrespect the vindication your H is looking for.
Can your children hear? Are you sure?
I ask because my dad used to say the most disgusting things to my mum in front of me - both of them thinking I was too little to understand.
They were right, I didn’t understand. But I remembered - I remember every filthy thing he said to her. It was vile. I’m old now and I STILL remember.
What’s worse is my mum never left. She stayed with her verbal abuser and he continued to verbally abuse her for the next 30 years.
Don’t be like my mum, @Violetroses22 please don’t be like her.
Protect yourself and your kids. ❤️

I was 3, 4, 5 when my dad was badgering my mum and saying horrible things to her.
I didn’t understand but the tone of his voice - the hate, the scorn, the anger - it made me feel bad about myself.
You couldn’t be more on target, @Balloonhearts

I'm sorry you went through that.
I would be absolutely horrified if I thought my daughter heard anything of this.
It's madness how I've accepted this for so long. When I think about how I'd feel is someone treated my daughter this way, I'd be completely devastaed. So why accept it for myself, and yes, I need to set an example and not tolerate it.

If you want a husband who respects you and doesn't call you a slag you will have to divorce this one and find another. He won't change. This is who he is.

His attitude stinks and you are right - your sex life before meeting him is none of his business. I'm sorry you are married to a misogynistic knob

Why would you want to repair it? An adult man in the 21st century who wants sex with a virgin, ( so misogynistic ) calls you a slag because you slept with men before him, and still thinks he has a right to sex with you after insulting you needs to be dumped now, not tomorrow.

The shame is all his.

Sorry, OP. Your husband sounds awful. There is no way to turn this relationship into a happy one. Fundamentally, he has no respect for you (or any woman). There is simply no way that you can resolve that.

The longer you stay with him, the more he will shred your confidence. I'd also consider what sort of relationship dynamic you are modelling to your kids.

@Violetroses22 Get out, please - as others have said, I reiterate. It's emotional, gaslighting, and coercive abuse.

Just because you are sahm doesn't mean you can't leave. You are entitled to benefits for you and your children.

You are entitled to be rehoused by the local authority in the aftermath of domestic abuse.

Womens Aid will help you navigate all this. You can also go into a refuge with them.

I've been there, done it, got the t-shirt. It's been 24 years since I left. Though the aftermath was extremely difficult, I never once regretted leaving.

I've rebuilt a good, happy life for my my adult children and I. I also happily remarried to a man who was/is everything the ex wasn't.

I say was as my 2nd husband unexpectedly passed away 6 years ago. My years with him were the happiest of our lives.

My adult children see my 2nd husband as the dad he didn't have to be.

I'm glad you have been in touch with womens aid. The links at the bottom are women's aid links to other useful support, too including helpline numbers.

Sometimes, W.A. can take a few days to respond as they are inundated. You can chat to them online and contact no's are in this link.

I stayed 16 years cos I thought my youngsters needed a dad. I was bought up in what they call today, affluent neglect, and recreated it as an adult.

By the time I finally left, it had affected my children. Don't leave it like I did. It will affect your youngsters.

Fortunately, I have been able with my 2nd husband to undo that damage. Not everyone does. I'm glad you're getting out now whilst the children are young..

Keep us informed of your progress and good luck. Remember, emotional abuse is now a criminal offence, and you can call 999 on him, so you don't have to tolerate threatening, emotional, gaalighting or coercive behaviour as the police can and will remove him especially as you have children in the house

www.womensaid.org.uk/about-us/contact/

What you have done with other men before you met him as nothing to bloody do with him.
Hes a twat and you need a divorce.
My ex was like your husband always going on about what i did in my past that had nothing to do with him i told him to fuck off one day i ended it there and then.

Thanks so much for the messages.
He's off work today-just got in and he's on the sofa. I just want to run away.
How do I handle having to stay living with him until I can sort myself out and leave?
I don't even know how long it will take.
He was trying to be normal today. Making jokes and asking for cuddles. I told him no, and why.
He said sorry but you made it sound as though you were being a slag.
He then went on to say "you had a one night stand before-thats pretty slutty"
He's now sat there making stupid comments to the kids like "daddy made mummy's life better but she doesn't think so" wtf.

@Violetroses22 "daddy made mummy's life better but she doesn't think so" wtf.

How charming of him to use his children as weapons and involve them in his little war against you (their mother), he sounds incredibly manipulative and sending you the message in a very passive aggressive way that if you “rebel” he’ll have no qualms turning the kids against you. Your husband sounds like a narcissist, a very controlling one, he’s made sure you got to the position of being financially dependent on him so he could pull this stunt. Go to a lawyer tomorrow, know what you’re entitled to, gather all the necessary paperwork and evidence, silently start putting your ducks on a row, in the meanwhile you work on your divorce play the dumb blond and don’t let him suspect nothing. If he suspects you’re about to divorce him he’ll start hiding assets.

He's already talking about divorce himself anyway.
Because he kept going on about the one night stand-asking my why I did it. I said because I wanted to..obviously.
Now he's angry again and it was apparently a rhetorical question.
Anyway so now he's saying things just to try and hurt me I think. Like shall I have the kids for christmas then?
Taking all the control back again I think because he can tell I'm done.
Doing the whole "yeah I'm such a shitty husband" again.
I'm trying to ignore but it's hard with him here.

He is abusive.
That is all this is about.
Trying to use your past as a stick to beat you with.
You now pushing back is causing him to change tack.
He will divorce YOU.
When that doesn't work he is playing victim.
Can you ask him to leave for a few days, that you need space?
Any aggression, please ring the police.
He is scum.
You are being abused.
Womans aid is who you should call for advice.
Have you family are friends to call?

Yes I could try asking if he will stay on the block.
He'll probably say no, he wants to see the kids though.
I don't have friends or family here..they are all about 4 hours away.

From WA website: under current law you can approach any Homeless Persons Unit if it is unsafe for you to remain in your home due to domestic violence. The Council is obliged to offer you temporary accommodation while they carry out their assessment or give you a decision on your application on the day. Housing law states that, ‘It is not reasonable for a person to continue to occupy accommodation if it is probable that this will lead to domestic violence or other violence’. Violence means violence or threats of violence from another person, which are likely to be carried out.

Thank you, I appreciate it. I'm very sure he wouldn't physically hurt me though. He hasn't before.

You have NO idea what he is capable of.
Particularly as he will be angry that you are not prepared to accept his behaviour any longer.
He is a nasty vicious man.
Be afraid of him and tell WA that he is unpredictable.
Which is true.

Emotional abuse is domestic violence
https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/

if you need legal advice this service is free www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/flows-answers/

violetroses22 what do you mean about on the block? Is he military and you are on camp?

He is military. We live in a quarter but he could get a room if he wanted.

OP try not to engage with him at all about your past. He knows why you have no interest in him at the moment.

When he asks why you had a one night stand your answer is ‘I’m not discussing this anymore’. When he says you behaved like a slut you say ‘I am not discussing this anymore’. If he pressures you for sex again just say ‘no that isn’t going to happen today’. Just repeat if he insists. You don’t explain you don’t justify. Cut it dead with grey rocking. He is not going to have a sudden epiphany and apologise no matter how you explain things.

Let him talk shit about divorces and so on. Grey rock absolutely everything. Train him into realising there is no point because you won’t get emotional or upset or be drawn back into it.

It will be hard until you can leave. But practising makes it easier. Say factual things. ‘I am not discussing this’ ‘no I don’t want to do that’. And other useful conversation fillers like ‘okay I agree’ or ‘ok no problem’ and ‘sure I’ll do that after lunch’ and ‘I’ll think about it but not at the moment’. You can say a lot of words with grey rock and still not really be engaging with someone.

Try not to rise when he says stupid things in front of the kids. If he sees you react he will continue to use them to get to you. Just walk out if the room so you don’t have to hear it and he’ll get bored of that too. Soon you can get them away from him.

By all means ask him to stay on the block for a bit. But be grey rock about that too. I expect he will refuse and you just need to shrug your shoulders when he does and say ‘ok I thought it might help us both’.

He’ll try a few tactics to get an emotional reaction which he’s used to. Ignore them all.

Good luck 💐

Thank you so much.
That's really helpful advicex

@VVioletroses22 He doesn't have to be physically violent for it to be abuse. He can still be removed by the police from the property.

As I said in my last message, he can be removed from the property by the police for emotional/coercive and gaslighting.

You can also be rehoused to homeless on these grounds. He doesn't have to physically hit you to be abusive. This is also a police matter.

The fact that you live on a block is further incentive to get him to move out, telling him if he doesn't, you will call the police and if he wants the neighbours to see that. If he scoffs and says the police won't do anything, prove him wrong.

This link should prove useful on the armed forces and support for people like yourself. They also offer help with temporary housing

aff.org.uk/advice/family-life/domestic-abuse/