Husband name calling

[Violetroses22]

My husband and I have been a bit rocky recently.
Things have started to get better and I felt like we were both making an effort and we were getting along much better.

Without giving too much information we've been having more sex lately and trying stuff we hadn't before (nothing crazy, spanking and things).

Anyway. Last night he was talking about it and randomly asked me how I knew I liked it. Said I didn't know, I just didn't then he asked if I'd done anything like this before.

I instantly got a bit awkward and embarrassed as I wasn't expecting him to ask me and also I don't want to talk about my previous boyfriends and sex life with him.
I panicked and said none of your business.

He instantly got really cross and started saying you need to tell me what you've done or else I'm thinking the worst.

I told him but also tried to change the subject and didn't want to give much away as I knew it would annoy him and I was embarrassed.

He kept saying just answer the question. Then got really cross and called me a fucking slag. Started saying that he had a right to know what I'd done before him as he would divorce me if I'd been a "slag" before him.
I got very upset and told him he can't speak to me like that. How would he like it if someone spoke to our daughter that way. He said she wouldn't be a moron.
He said I don't deserve the way he's treated me before (so we'll apparently but he has called me names before).
He later asked for sex and I told him no. I was upset and he hasn't even apologised.

Still hadn't. Just blamed me for pushing him to it by not answering the question straight.

I'm just gutted. Everytime I try and make things better he has some kind of outburst which he blames me for.

Just want a husband who respects me and doesn't call me a slag for God sake.

If he didn't want to know, why ask? And I can't help what's happened before him. He always says he wishes I was a virgin when we met. Makes me like I'm not good enough.

I'd divorce him. You need to have some respect for yourself because he has none for you.

Decide where you draw the line and enforce it. Never let someone push your boundaries to a place you aren't comfortable because once you let them get away with it once, in their head they can do it again and get away with it as long as they give some half arsed apologies.

He's only recently started behaving this way.
When we met he knew about my past (how many people I'd slept with, not specifics) and was fine with it.
Not long ago he started asking me things and going on about how women these days are slutty ect.
I do wonder what he's been watching on the Internet to be honest.

Thank you.
Hes said things in the past that have bee horirble and for some reason id let it go. We have young kids I guess and didn't think of divorcing him.

But last night really was a light bulb moment. I just know it isn't okay or normal, despite what he says and that I deserve better.

He has such a way of twisting things and making it seem it's my fault.

He said something like I used to think you were an angel. You don't deserve how I thought of you.
Just fucking horrible. I've not done anything wrong.

Not a typical man. That isn't typical behaviour at all.

He’s been spending too much time on the internet. Was he spouting all this garbage before he’d tied you down? No, because you’d have moved on to someone nicer.

I wouldn’t be able to respect a ‘partner’ who said anything like this. If the relationship dies it’s 100% on him.

He doesn’t see you this way, he’s decided it’s a good way to control you by pretending he sees you this way. Try and take that in and act accordingly.

You didn't choose a man like this! His mask has dropped because he thinks he has you trapped. This is what abusive men do.

Be careful, op. This is verbal abuse and abusive men escalate.

Thank you.
I'm just thinking about everything and I don't think he can even like me at all.
I mean obviously not to speak to me that way and stand by it.
But even before that, he can't ever say anything nice about me. If he does its always my looks. Never about me as a person. Puts me down if anything.
He said also that he used to put me on a pedistal but now I'm not on it anymore 🙄
Makes me worry what he will say to our daughter in the future..or or son for that matter. I don't want them listening to his views on things like this.

He does seem to get worse and worse.
We had a few days without any insults and I think that's us doing well and getting on.
It's actually ridiculous. I should have any insults.
It's crazy how long I've accepted stuff like this.
He tells me he treats me so well and when I question things it's "yeah I'm such a shitty husband aren't I, I've always treated you so well you just don't appreciate it"
How?
By calling me names and blaming me for it.
Can't even attempt to make it up to me.
It's on me really for accepting it for so long but I wanted to see the good I guess.

WTF.... He is awful - bully and manipulator. Please re assess your relationship, you deserve better. All the nasty things he said were to devalue you, so he can continue to abuse you. He doesn't love you.

He tells me he treats me so well and when I question things it's "yeah I'm such a shitty husband aren't I, I've always treated you so well you just don't appreciate it"

That is SUCH a gaslight! My ex would say shit like that "I'm such a bad person, I'd be better off dead, you'd be better off if I was dead" etc... It's all hyperbole designed to gaslight you & garner sympathy.

It's text book!

The next time he starts with the insults ask him why he's still with you if you're such a slag/slut etc. (I don't even like typing those words), then tell him to fuck off if he feels that way about you!

Mind you he's clearly trying to goad you into defending yourself, so he can carry on piling on the insults. The alternative is to grey rock him and quietly start to look into how you might separate from him, if that's what you want, otherwise try therapy if he'll go, but there comes a time when a line has been crossed and you'll never get past what he's said. He's a grown up ffs; there's no excuses for his behaviour!

I think it would be wise for you to contact Women's Aid who can give you more support. We can listen but they can also point you to local services who have heard your story so many times. They will hear you.

I'm also going to suggest you contact your GP and ask for their help, whether it's something to help you to get through the next few months, or to point you to some therapy, or to have it on record somewhere that he is a danger to the children if he thinks an 18m doesn't need watching.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

You also can't have your DD thinking this is a normal way to be treated by a man. Your parents are your first role models. Don't accept anything you don't want her to.

I know it’s easy to say, but no way would I let a man who said something like that near me EVER again

Throwing it back won't work. He always maintains that women should be pure and men aren't the same so he wouldn't care I'd I said anything like that to him.

You throw that bit back. "if I'd known you were a deeply ignorant mysogynist, I wouldn't have married you."

Be careful in leaving him though. These MRA types can escalate very quickly from verbal to physical abuse.

He said something like I used to think you were an angel. You don't deserve how I thought of you.

I thought you were a decent man - you don't deserve how I thought of you.

If he considers that calling his wife a slag and then expecting her to fall into bed with him (even if he had apologised, which he didn't) is treating you well, then not only is he a nasty misogynist, he's a deluded one too.

I think you need to take advice as suggested above and grey rock him until you have your ducks in a row to leave.

Try to think about his motivations not his actual words. What is he trying to achieve?

Make sure you have low self esteem so you don’t leave him?
Is he trying to place you in his head as someone it’s ok to cheat on?
Is he trying to make you agree to do things you’re not interested in, and using imagined past behaviour to push past your boundaries?

I find that working out what someone is trying to achieve with their manipulation is the easiest way to see through it.

You desperately need to contact Women's aid for advice and support.

Pressuring you for sex is coercive, which is a crime.
Having sex with him because you felt pressurised by him is RAPE.
Be very clear about that.
He is not a good man and your marriage is over.
Time to ask for help and support.

I really don't know what his motivations are. I really don't. I don't know why he has to lose it with me and call me names and treat me like rubbish.

Yes I really don't see how I can stay after this.
And it's the lack of remorse or apology that really is the nail in the coffin.
And yes I never would want my children to hear him speaking to me like that and to think it's okay.
So I really don't have a choice but to leave.
He honestly seems to think his behaviour is okay and justified.

At least I gave it one more try. He had a chance to make things better and I even thought he was changing. But he just couldn't do it. He can't not call me names and get angry. I'm not spending my life like that

You're making the right choice, OP. The right choice for you and the right choice for your children.

Thank you.
I know it's the right thing.
I'm very angry with him and I really can't see him the same and come back from it at all.
It's really silly but I keep thinking he'll meet someone else and treat them properly and nicely and he's right that it's because of me he is like this.
I know his behaviour is wrong but it's just something I feel and worry about.
Wish I didn't care but there we are

My ex had a thing about my having sex with others before him (only a few). To me it highlighted that he was so insecure (and he was shit in bed and must have known it) that he thought I was comparing him. It's like he could only feel more important by making me feel small.

Your DH sounds weak. I couldn't be with someone who thought he could speak to me like that and then pester me for sex. He sounds horrible and he doesn't respect you.