Affair after nearly 40 years of marriage

[citylady62]

Same old story but after nearly 40 years of marriage and three grown up successful children I was ready to settle into a comfortable long retirement with my husband. In our marriage he's been the earner and I've worked part time. Times have gone up and down financially but we are now very comfortable - house in a good city and abroad. We have quite different interests and I know that I've been the more extrovert- would describe my husband maybe as borderline highly functioning ASD at times but only slightly. I guess we'd slipped into taking each other for granted. I'd envisaged a really easy ride retirement with him working in his interesting business which he's been growing for the part 4 years and will hopefully give us a good return eventually and which I can dabble in if I choose - it keeps him happy but too happy it turns out. He brought a woman into the business initially as a volunteer, then gave her a paid project and now she's full time managing one project. Last year he told me he no longer loved me and was worried for our future. I took it badly, threatened suicide. We dribbled on through winter into spring. No sleeping together. I suspected an affair but couldn't bring myself to ask. I know he loves the company of this woman who is 8 years his junior. He told me this spring that he had had an affair and slept with her ( I asked him this directly otherwise suspect he'd have kept that to himself) but couldn't contemplate breaking our family apart after so long. He's really keen got the grown up offspring not to know. I took it badly, threatened suicide again and he has agreed to end the affair. He's effectively ghosted his employee as I've told him it's her or me. I'm glad I'm causing her hurt through encouraging him to now treat her harshly because even though he says he instigated it I blame her for reciprocating. He has a high sex drive when younger but it slowed down a lot. I know they were really close, my husband was clearly in love and she's very much like him in personality- quiet, serious and work focused. God knows how he'll negotiate working with her without contact- their problem. He says he can't sack her as her own marriage ended (apparently not her fault and not through infidelity and before this affair) and he was a support through this. I should say my husband confessed to almost getting too close to another woman through work 4 years ago but we talked and it brought us closer, or do so thought. I don't want to lose him. I'm insanely jealous he turned to another woman for companionship leading to a 8 month affair. We slept together recently at my instigation as I needed evidence he was 'back' in our marriage. We'll have counselling. Not sure I'll ever forgive him but I do think, as does he, that he was ridiculous to threaten our comfortable years of retirement ahead and family moments just for the concept I suspect of finding a soulmate in his 60s. I know it's me forcing him to cut her off - he's out of touch emotionally in many ways and thought he could keep seeing her through work but I've put a stop to that by issuing an ultimatum. I know I'm very controlling but he's always seemed to be happy with that and happy in his own sweet world providing for me. We're starting counselling and I'm confident he's not seeing the OW and has but her off harshly to make things clear and he's constantly holding my hand etc again and agreeing to lots of being together. Will he really fall back in love with me having confessed to falling out of love with me last Autumn or is this all surface manipulation of feelings and deep down he still wants her? I can't contemplate life without the structure and status of my marriage - we've been together since I was in my early 20s so he's pretty much all I've known in terms of relationships. I just wanted life to keep
pottering on and can still incredulous he'd threaten all we've built up for an 8 month romance.
I confronted her at work and told her how awful she was for sleeping with my husband. She explained later he instigated and it was mutually deep feelings that they had for each other but i can't believe my loving gentle husband would go this without encouragement from her.

Now I'm feeling strong because he's back and has rejected her but I wonder if we can really ever get back to the 'together forever' stable couple I thought we were? Anyone else experienced an affair after such a long marriage? Will we make it? Will he suddenly give in on his no contact with OW I've forced him into? At the moment he's doing all to convince me it's over including sleeping with me and is full of regret but is this true love for me or normal for a man trying to convince himself that a good-ish marriage he almost gave up on for an affair is the better choice for comfort and stability in his later years (he's 64) than starting again with someone he once thought of as a soulmate but now seems able to cut off.

Gosh op you have been controlling your marriage and your husband for so long you're now in fear of it ending so now you have become abusive.
My mother was the same she had to have control but in the end my dad left and hes so happy.
Your keeping your husband trapped because of threats.
Hes told you he wants out but will stay because of fear from you shame on you.
You even sound proud of being a bully and abusive.
If it was him doing it to you MN would be out in force to tell you to leave.
Having an affair is wrong big time trust is gone now but what you are doing is worse.
You're in fear of losing the high life your husband has built up for you both you really do sound awful.
He wants to leave but you choose abuse to trap him in to staying.
I hope he wakes up one day and calls your bluff and runs for the hills to find freedom after 40 years of you he dont no what freedom feels like.
Ive never read a post where the wife is proud of being abusive.
You sound like a woman that would make a divorce harder than what it needs to be just so you can still control something.
Hes told you he dont love you but now hes telling you what you want to hear to keep the peace.

The Op's DH has told her he doesn't love her.
He's slept with someone else, who he's still working (and probably still having sex)with. The OP manipulated him into not leaving. And you think the only way forward is couples therapy??

What a horrible thing to g to do threaten suicide to get him to stay with you , of course what he has done is terrible and it has broken your marriage but you have essentially forced him to stay with you or you will potentially kill yourself . I think you need counselling OP to come to terms with the fact your marriage is over and also how to deal with it in a health reasonable way. I would actively worry about your husband's mental health being forced to stay in a marriage he isn't happy in and the pressure of what you might do if he leaves .

It's unconscionable to threaten suicide to make someone stay in a relationship with you, however hurt you are.

Be careful about bullying OW at work, in case she walks and takes you to an employment tribunal.

It sounds like he wants out of your marriage but you won't let him.

This. Threatening suicide is a dreadful thing to do. No one happy was ever dragged out of a marriage.

He’s with OP because he fears her harming herself. She seems to value status more than the man himself.

Not a basis for a happy retirement/marriage.🙄

Yeah, this , 100%. Sorry op.

I don't think people are apologizing for the cheater. It's because the sense many of us are getting that the husband had and has no chance of leaving this marriage no matter how unhappy he is. I don't think that had he not cheated and told her that he's deeply unhappy in the marriage and wants out, she still wouldn't have let him and would have threatened suicide over the perceived loss of her lifestyle and future plans. The cheating is bad, but so is her behaviour.

Why would you want to keep someone prisoner who doesn't love you or fancy you? 40 years is a long time and you could have split amicably before the affair when he said he no longer loved you and kept the memory of a good 40 years together and even kept a friendship. Now he's had an affair and you've kept him prisoner by threatening suicide. To what end? To live out a few more decades miserably? Divorce him, get your dignity back, have financial freedom and go off and have adventures.

I’m not sure who you’re trying to convince, us or you?

With every post you double down on how good it is now, but it isn’t or you wouldn’t be seeking reassurance.

its over. He’s there because you’ve manipulated the situation.

This makes me think of a Marillion lyric that's always stayed with me over the years:

You can screw a man down
Until he takes to drinking.
You can take all of his money;
You still won't know what he's thinking.

Clearly if it's not her it will be someone else. Have some dignity and leave. The status that comes with your marriage is a sham and a hollow victory. You know that deep down.

I'm really sorry that you've felt that way in your life. I hope you are doing better these days.

With regards to the OP, I'm focusing on the language - she explicitly says 'threatened suicide' in her own OP. She used it as a threat
She wasn't expressing that she felt suicidal, she has admitted herself that she actively used it as a threat.

@citylady62 I'm 62 too and have been married 28 years- I too found out quite by chance 8 years ago my H had an involvement- but in my case it had happened 11 years before - this too was someone who worked with us- except she was 21- in my case all emotional so I am told but it knocked me for 6 as my H wasn't remotely 'the type' - All I can say is I've stayed married but never felt 100% the same- and you might not too with a bit of time.

What I will say is do you love your H, do you genuinely care about him? Would you want to remain friends and in his life? Because if you do, you should make the decision for him and give him some space. You know the expression que sera sera, whatever will be will be. I'm sure you want him to be with you because he wants to be - not because he feels trapped- that's no way to live- let him go, and see how it goes- it may be something that seems a little more attractive as a bit of variety/excitement than it actually is and you may find with some space he realises he genuinely wants to be with you - if he doesn't then it isn't to be is it- go off and have some fun, stay friends and create something for yourself- have a few trips, throw yourself into other things- I know it feels like the end of the world but it isn't- what is worse is to be constantly vigilant as to what he's up to, if he's in touch with others- and all the time in your mind is 'is he here because he wants to be' - it's an exhausting and unsatisfying way to live- it's not a competition of 'I've won over her' - it's actually your life you are stifling by not allowing him to make the choice for himself.

You didn’t deserve to be cheated on, but I’m finding it difficult to truly empathise with you.

Threatening suicide to keep someone in a relationship with you is classic abusive behaviour. You have done this more than once and seem quite casual about it.

You have also admitted to being controlling and thinking your husband has always been happy with that. I don’t know anyone who enjoys being controlled.

The marriage also isn’t great. He asked to leave, was dangerously close to one woman and has now had an affair with another.

I can understand you resenting your retirement being threatened, but compelling him to be awful to the person you think he’s in love with, will not be favourable for you.

Hating the OW won’t help in your recovery and with them still working together, this will eat away at you, making you angrier and more hateful.

He won’t even sack her. Given no contact is usually required for moving on, he shouldn’t still be spending his days with the’person he loves’. That puts your marriage in an ongoing untenable position.

Unless he actively chooses you, you’ll either have to divorce him or let him cheat in peace. And stop threatening to kill yourself!

I agree with PP- do you actually love him? If so give him space.

I despise cheaters. They are the lowest of the low. But here, for the first time ever, I sympathise with them. And categorically not OP. She is an abuser. There's no sugar coating that.

Condone the DH and OW behaviour? Fuck no.

But listening to someone blackmail and throw out suicide threats just so they don't lose their funded social life, egotistical status and superiority complex that goes with it? Their partner should live in misery putting on a married performance and funding the social life of someone who cares nothing for them as long as the lunches and lording it over friends and family don't stop? That's a fuck no too.

The OW actually cared. And as a person, we all deserve that. Not too be blackmailed and abused.

@citylady62 I’m going to tell you the other perspective on this, which may help you remove the rose tinted glasses.

A few years ago, I met a guy. He told me he was separated but had been married for 35 years. We happily dated for a few months and spent a lovely holiday together, before he slipped up one day and I realised his wife knew nothing about this separation.

It all blew up, his wife threatened suicide and he wrangled with the idea of if he should stay with her or not (not an issue for me as wasn’t interested after learning about the deception)

Anyway….this is the exact wording he used ‘please don’t let guilt win over love’ He told me he didn’t love his wife but felt he promised to look after her and owed her that. She got in contact with me and refused to accept he could have had a relationship with me through his own free will. He, also told her that I had approached him/insisted on a relationship etc because it is easier than saying he didn’t want to be with her and had been looking for a new partner.

She described their relationship to me as one where everyone envy’s them and their love for each other, and this is because she is burying her head in the sand and not seeing what is in front of her

Anyway, I extracted myself from the drama of it all and he stayed with her and played happy families.

Recently, he got back in contact with me (I’m entirely uninterested so I’m not sure why) to tell me had separated again - after an affair with someone 20 years younger.

So his poor wife wasted another few years on this man, because he doesn’t have the courage to tell her that he clearly doesn’t want to be with her, and she doesn’t have the acceptance that the marriage is dead.

Don’t be that person. If someone tells you the sky is purple, you can see with your own eyes it isn’t. If you don’t want to see it, you can’t blame anyone but yourself when he does this to you again.

Go and make a new life, with your children and friends and don’t be that woman they all pity behind her back but play along with the pretence of it all. Life is too short.

No he needs to change jobs. I’ve been there nearly had a physical affair with someone at work. The only thing that helped was when he left work. I was unhappy and it spiralled from there. Working on things now but he needs to get away from that job.

iOg you both decide to try to save your marriage he has to sack the OW. It is rubbish to talk about clients/the project etc -people leave jobs all the time and the company didn’t collapse. Whatever the fallout for the company, if he wants to stay married he has to do this
I was in a similar situation, didn’t insist and no surprise -the affair revived and we are now divorced.
I should have made that a firm boundary at the time.

Set your husband free and concentrate on making your retirement years happy and fulfilling without him. He no longer loves you. Cheating is morally wrong, he should have separated from you before sleeping with the OW. However, it’s happened and your marriage is over. You could live another 30 years, do you really want those years to be unhappy?

@citylady62

Hi op.

You may find more support on this site....

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums/

Good luck to you!

I am with you@Janiie but tbf I suppose all pp’s have to go on is her post penned in haste and despair no doubt where she threatens suicide - an act of desperation to my mind.

She must be so devastated by what she discovered and people are expecting her to behave sanely and rationall and siding with her dh because she hasn’t. I hope it never happens to them. At her age it is hard because her whole life was building to greater peace and happiness together at this stage.

I have to admit that one of the reasons I have stayed single is because I couldn’t go through something like this again. The feelings are so intense. Good luck op. Some of us are on your side regardless.

OP I'm sorry that your DH of 40 years has had an affair that is awful BUT telling him he has to go no contact and letting him know it's to hurt her makes you look so bad, this won't help your marriage at all, the control you think you possess in your marriage is smoke and mirrors, I'm afraid he will see you as bitter and twisted not a look you want if you are hopeful he will fall in love with you again because he won't.
Marriage counselling - your may as well throw your money into the bin, it won't help, he is scared to speak because of the threats you have made.
Sex is sex again smoke and mirrors do you really think that is love? spending all your time together will feel like a cage, suffocating, again not what a marriage is.

I would imagine he is desperate to make you feel ok as the fear of your threat is one of the most cruel things anyone can say - it is abusive and classed as coercive control.
You need individual therapy, you need to talk honestly and no matter the outcome you need to move forward.
It is awful that your marriage is ended but I don't believe there is a way back from this.

Op, I’m very sorry this has happened to you and as someone whose marriage ended after 38 years all I can say is don’t waste any more of your life in this awful situation. It will be difficult to move on but it could very well be that once you have you’ll go on to a happier middle age and beyond.

I had an affair with a married man a couple of years ago. I won’t go into details, but it was complicated and I’m aware that it was wrong, but that’s not the point of this post.

When his wife found out she behaved pretty much like the OP. She literally stood over him whilst she forced him to call me to ‘end it’. (He called me the next day to explain she was there, on a different phone because she’d ‘confiscated’ his) she made him do the exactly the same via letter saying ‘how much he loved her’. (Again, he called me to explain) Threatened to ruin my career. Threatened suicide. Threatened to leave the country with their two young children (she’s not British but he is). She contacted me from his phone pretending to be him on multiple occasions and flew into a rage when I didn’t buy it.

She also prevented him from leaving the house, even to go to work, for months.

Even almost two years later he was keeping tabs on me. No overt contact, but I confronted him. He admitted he was in love with me but was absolutely terrified of losing his children. He is utterly miserable. He’d hoped she’d want a divorce. As soon as they got married, she immediately got pregnant, the mask slipped and he said he instantly regretted it. Subconscious sabotage, I guess.

So yes, you can force someone to stay by controlling them. If you want to see that as a ‘win’ then so be it. A sorry state of affairs all round.

True love is about freedom.