Affair after nearly 40 years of marriage

[citylady62]

Same old story but after nearly 40 years of marriage and three grown up successful children I was ready to settle into a comfortable long retirement with my husband. In our marriage he's been the earner and I've worked part time. Times have gone up and down financially but we are now very comfortable - house in a good city and abroad. We have quite different interests and I know that I've been the more extrovert- would describe my husband maybe as borderline highly functioning ASD at times but only slightly. I guess we'd slipped into taking each other for granted. I'd envisaged a really easy ride retirement with him working in his interesting business which he's been growing for the part 4 years and will hopefully give us a good return eventually and which I can dabble in if I choose - it keeps him happy but too happy it turns out. He brought a woman into the business initially as a volunteer, then gave her a paid project and now she's full time managing one project. Last year he told me he no longer loved me and was worried for our future. I took it badly, threatened suicide. We dribbled on through winter into spring. No sleeping together. I suspected an affair but couldn't bring myself to ask. I know he loves the company of this woman who is 8 years his junior. He told me this spring that he had had an affair and slept with her ( I asked him this directly otherwise suspect he'd have kept that to himself) but couldn't contemplate breaking our family apart after so long. He's really keen got the grown up offspring not to know. I took it badly, threatened suicide again and he has agreed to end the affair. He's effectively ghosted his employee as I've told him it's her or me. I'm glad I'm causing her hurt through encouraging him to now treat her harshly because even though he says he instigated it I blame her for reciprocating. He has a high sex drive when younger but it slowed down a lot. I know they were really close, my husband was clearly in love and she's very much like him in personality- quiet, serious and work focused. God knows how he'll negotiate working with her without contact- their problem. He says he can't sack her as her own marriage ended (apparently not her fault and not through infidelity and before this affair) and he was a support through this. I should say my husband confessed to almost getting too close to another woman through work 4 years ago but we talked and it brought us closer, or do so thought. I don't want to lose him. I'm insanely jealous he turned to another woman for companionship leading to a 8 month affair. We slept together recently at my instigation as I needed evidence he was 'back' in our marriage. We'll have counselling. Not sure I'll ever forgive him but I do think, as does he, that he was ridiculous to threaten our comfortable years of retirement ahead and family moments just for the concept I suspect of finding a soulmate in his 60s. I know it's me forcing him to cut her off - he's out of touch emotionally in many ways and thought he could keep seeing her through work but I've put a stop to that by issuing an ultimatum. I know I'm very controlling but he's always seemed to be happy with that and happy in his own sweet world providing for me. We're starting counselling and I'm confident he's not seeing the OW and has but her off harshly to make things clear and he's constantly holding my hand etc again and agreeing to lots of being together. Will he really fall back in love with me having confessed to falling out of love with me last Autumn or is this all surface manipulation of feelings and deep down he still wants her? I can't contemplate life without the structure and status of my marriage - we've been together since I was in my early 20s so he's pretty much all I've known in terms of relationships. I just wanted life to keep
pottering on and can still incredulous he'd threaten all we've built up for an 8 month romance.
I confronted her at work and told her how awful she was for sleeping with my husband. She explained later he instigated and it was mutually deep feelings that they had for each other but i can't believe my loving gentle husband would go this without encouragement from her.

Now I'm feeling strong because he's back and has rejected her but I wonder if we can really ever get back to the 'together forever' stable couple I thought we were? Anyone else experienced an affair after such a long marriage? Will we make it? Will he suddenly give in on his no contact with OW I've forced him into? At the moment he's doing all to convince me it's over including sleeping with me and is full of regret but is this true love for me or normal for a man trying to convince himself that a good-ish marriage he almost gave up on for an affair is the better choice for comfort and stability in his later years (he's 64) than starting again with someone he once thought of as a soulmate but now seems able to cut off.

Dear god, what ridiculous accusations. I think you're getting carried away with things here. Financial abuse? You're joking right. How on earth do you deduce that fgs? As for suggesting that she is physically violent with him, that's way out of line.
You're getting a rough ride on here op, some of it understandable but infidelity can cause people to lose their minds and behave in unrecognisable ways. Whatever your future holds, I really hope you find a way forward that truly works for you.

I don't think anyone is being apologist about the affair. Instead, it's OP's somewhat breezy admission that she's twice threatened suicide and that she's always been controlling in the marriage that has caused alarm. Reverse the roles and we all know exactly what the general response would – affairs are of course wrong but you need to leave your controlling DH and grab that last bit of happiness in retirement etc etc.

Sorry OP, it’s all so familiar and sadly, you’re stuck in denial about the situation. You’re using sticking plasters to repair your marriage but they will fall off eventually and you’ll be left with scars that never fully heal.

I understand why you blame the OW as I did initially when my ex had an affair, but it’s him, not her that’s your problem here. Affair partners are like buses, another one will turn up to replace this one eventually.

I don’t think he’s staying with you because he realises he’s made a huge mistake, you threatened suicide and you’re pushing him very hard with initiating sex and keeping it all from your adult children etc., so of course he stayed….for now.

Deep down, you’re terrified of letting go of control and falling into a black hole but you’ll have to let go eventually.

Only then will you truly know if he wants to stay with you because that’s what he really wants or whether he wants to explore pastures new.

Your retirement might be different to how you imagined it to be, but it will be ok. There’s always opportunities for happiness if you remain optimistic and adaptable.

I hope you have supoort irl op. A shame this thread is full of a load of bossy boots telling you your poor dh and his poor bit of fluff deserve to be happy and you mustn't talk about how you feel less he feels controlled and emotionally abused.

He may have made a mistake and wants to stay, he may not have and wants to go. What matters is what you want. I think you'd surprise yourself how you may just be happier without this liar tbh.

It is understandable to feel suicidal when face with a big life upheaval.

It is not acceptable to threaten suicide, which is exactly what OP says, right there in her post. It is emotional abuse, as agreed by domestic abuse experts and organisations the world over. It doesn't matter how hurt she is or the intent behind it, it's still abusive. And anyone defending this behaviour needs to ask themselves how they would feel if one of their children's partners was forcing them to stay with them under threat of suicide.

Come on op. I really really sympathise with what you are going through but I think you are deluding yourself here - I am sorry if that sounds harsh - but you literally seem unable to see that your relationship is now built on emotional blackmail and lies, not love and trust.

There's so much in your post that is contradictory;

I know I'm very controlling but he's always seemed to be happy with that and happy in his own sweet world providing for me

You then you say he had got close to someone else four years earlier. So obviously he wasn't happy then?

So your marriage has been deteriorating for years and you are desperately hanging on because, you

can't contemplate life without the structure and status of my marriage

It's interesting you use those words. Most women would say that they miss the friendship of someone they love. Or at least companionship. Or say something about their good qualities?

So I suspect the marriage is over in every real sense from your pov too and it's fear that is making you hold on so desperately.

Where is your self respect? You have won the war and lost the peace. Let him go op. And try and find confidence in your own achievements and activities rather than through someone else. It will take courage but better to live with honesty than living in continual fear that the very flimsy house of cards you have built around yourself is about to collapse and fall again any moment. Good luck.

Yes...It seems that op only cares about a comfy life and perceived status..the ''bloke who provides'' is the tit at which she sucks...What does he get out of it?

It sounds a wretched existence, and op sounds highly controlling.

Going against the grain I would stick with it and try to rebuild your marriage. Being in love with a new person can make you think you don’t love your partner of many years when in fact you do, you just can’t see it. So opportunity may have allowed your husband to build a relationship with another woman which he imagines to be stronger than the feelings he has for you. The reality of being with her long term may not be quite what he thinks it will be and perhaps he realises this.

You are clearly prepared to fight for your husband and in doing so I imagine that with counselling you will be able to forgive him. If you can’t forgive him then what has been the point of your actions?

I can imagine how much this has hurt and frightened you, being with someone for so long and then being betrayed must have cut very deeply. If you genuinely felt suicidal I don’t blame you for saying it because your distress obviously made you desperate. Who knows what any of us might say when confronted with losing a partner of over forty years. I don’t blame you for hating the other woman either, it’s a natural response.

i hope things resolve for you.

You are being incredibly abusive to your husband, threatening suicide every time he starts a negative conversation with you. You have trapped him in the marriage.

you have mentioned couples counselling but you should get counselling for yourself first to help with your reactions.

This. No one condones cheating. But people don’t condone abuse either.

was an affair the right way to go about things? Clearly not. But when your spouse threatens suicide and is controlling by their own admission, you can see how it happens.

I’ve known men absolutely miserable in their marriages, have affairs as a way to end it as they can’t see another way out. Weak, yes. But it happens. Fully admit that’s why there were doing it.

then their wives threaten to kill themselves, threaten to take the kids, one even wouldnt let her DH go to the office for months… but still cling on for dear life and then have excuses to exert even more control. It was horrible to watch.

OP, I’m sorry your DH treated you so poorly and had an affair.

However, people ARE allowed to end relationships and it is not ok that you emotionally blackmailed him with suicide. Why do you want to coerce someone into staying with you anyway??

Why not let him go and be with OW - maybe they really are in love, or maybe he will realise he made a mistake. But if you force him to be with you, you’ll both be unhappy forever.

'Yes...It seems that op only cares about a comfy life and perceived status..the ''bloke who provides'' is the tit at which she sucks...What does he get out of it?'

'The tit at which she sucks'. Wtaf.

What does he get out of it. 40yrs of marriage he could've separated or, i dont know, talked about being unhappy' instead of just fucking around, no?

I understand to threaten suicide is not ok, but if she felt suicidal she is allowed to talk about her feelings.

It depends on the reasons. A one night stand for sex if there is none within the marriage leading to all sorts of frustration, or an affair due to lack of care & unfulfilled emotional needs is totally different to being a serial cheater who does this for kicks. Every marriage is unique & yes many do survive an affair after counselling.

‘Survive’ ie limp on.

they do not improve.

Do you love him?

I'm glad I'm causing her hurt through encouraging him to now treat her harshly because even though he says he instigated it I blame her for reciprocating.

Have you also said this to him?

You sound bitter OP. I mean really deep down bitter and controlling. Like this part of you has been masked whilst you had it all but when it was threatening you were determined to make sure at any other human cost you would keep it.

I wouldn't want to live out my twilight years with someone like this. But I guess you are ok because you think your husband is trapped.

No one should threaten suicide to prevent their marriage from ending. It's emotional blackmail. DPs wife threatened it for years (before I came into his life) and she was under 24 hour watch by himself and another family member.
As a divorced woman myself (after 30 years) I can assure you life is far better in retirement without a husband who has cheated on you and emotionally already left you.
Throughout his affair (which at the time I didn't know about!) my exh begged me not to leave him!
Get rid of your lying bastard of a husband and stop making threats of suicide. Have yourself individual therapy to cope and wave goodbye to your empty marriage.

I think that threatening suicide is abusive in the context of an abusive relationship. For example, if someone who is abusing their partner tells them that they will kill themself if the abused partner leaves. I am not sure it is abusive to claim to feel suicidal if you are feeling suicidal, which is what Op did. What the other person chooses to do with that knowledge is up to them.

We need more education on how despair manifests in people. Op may have genuinely been experiencing what she thought of as suicidal despair when she heard about the affair.

I often wonder about this because I have myself on occasion told people I am close to that I had been feeling suicidal and now that I look back on it I feel incredibly guilty because it places a burden of fear on the other person. However, because I have been there I would want people with whom I am close to confide in me if they had such feelings.

This one won't. The OP should let her husband go rather than cling on and blame the OW rather than her cheating husband.

OP, your husband was 'at risk' of getting close to another woman 4 years ago too - and now this? I don't know what you think you have control of but it's not your husband, you can't own or control another person, they have to want to be in it - and he doesn't. He keeps risking his marriage and you keep clinging on to it. It's only a marriage if both parties want it to be.

Threatening suicide is an abhorrent thing to do, and you've done it before. How does it make you feel to know that he's only there because he's worried that you'll go ahead with this and the children will suffer? Let him go.

You're legally married, get a good settlement and make a new life for yourself. Ultimately, your husband isn't committed, whatever he says. Marriages aren't always forever and even those that are, aren't always due to commitment, just fear of loss.

You can have a good life without him. Don't keep putting yourself through this.

Gosh, you have had some really harsh responses, OP. I really hope that for the sake of your mental health, you take some time away from this thread and seek counselling so that you can gain some proper support for yourself moving forward.

Agree with this.

Set him and yourself free OP!

In the context of OPs other posts, it does seem abusive. She also didn’t say she felt suicidal. She said she threatened suicide. Which is different.

It seems that your husband is sleeping with you because he’s scared of the shame if and when your adult children find out that he has cheated. He would do anything to avoid that. You already know this but you are able to ignore it for now.
In the meantime, you are also scared, -scared to face a lonely retirement without him by your side, providing support for you as he always has by going along with your arrangements for your lovely life.

You readily admit you are controlling (you have put paid to his affair) and that you have twice threatened suicide which as others have pointed out, is emotional blackmail from which no good can ever come. It’s on you to be accountable and take responsibility for that. You say you are doing that already so that’s a good start.

Is he pretending to be in love with you OP because he’s scared of the consequences if he doesn’t ? Letting him continue to pretend can’t be very dignified for either of you, surely.

It will take time as well as courage for you both to face up to the fact that your marriage has changed irrevocably. How you make the practical day to day chnages to reflect the change in your marriage is up to you as long as both of you are willing and happy with the changes and as long as neither of you is coerced or controlled or threatened.

If you love your ‘sweet’ husband, you will think in terms of his happiness as well as your own. (not just in terms of him providing support and company for you)
You can’t turn the clock back to the old days before his affair OP. They weren’t good old days for him it seems. If he was as happy as you, why did this good man turn to a quiet woman for company? Why did he jeopardise the easy-ride retirement you were expecting?

Be prepared to communicate with complete honesty and to make a lot of compromises and never to take him for granted again. Be sure to make sure that any changes, are really what he wants. Ask him what he really wants. Encourage him to be openly honest. No more pretending just because it suits your cherished idea of retirement.

Maybe it won’t mean divorce as long as you are prepared to respect his truth as well as your own. You may still be able to remain together and enjoy your retirement -or parts of it, together.

Wishing you both well with the counselling to properly fix this.