Affair after nearly 40 years of marriage

[citylady62]

Same old story but after nearly 40 years of marriage and three grown up successful children I was ready to settle into a comfortable long retirement with my husband. In our marriage he's been the earner and I've worked part time. Times have gone up and down financially but we are now very comfortable - house in a good city and abroad. We have quite different interests and I know that I've been the more extrovert- would describe my husband maybe as borderline highly functioning ASD at times but only slightly. I guess we'd slipped into taking each other for granted. I'd envisaged a really easy ride retirement with him working in his interesting business which he's been growing for the part 4 years and will hopefully give us a good return eventually and which I can dabble in if I choose - it keeps him happy but too happy it turns out. He brought a woman into the business initially as a volunteer, then gave her a paid project and now she's full time managing one project. Last year he told me he no longer loved me and was worried for our future. I took it badly, threatened suicide. We dribbled on through winter into spring. No sleeping together. I suspected an affair but couldn't bring myself to ask. I know he loves the company of this woman who is 8 years his junior. He told me this spring that he had had an affair and slept with her ( I asked him this directly otherwise suspect he'd have kept that to himself) but couldn't contemplate breaking our family apart after so long. He's really keen got the grown up offspring not to know. I took it badly, threatened suicide again and he has agreed to end the affair. He's effectively ghosted his employee as I've told him it's her or me. I'm glad I'm causing her hurt through encouraging him to now treat her harshly because even though he says he instigated it I blame her for reciprocating. He has a high sex drive when younger but it slowed down a lot. I know they were really close, my husband was clearly in love and she's very much like him in personality- quiet, serious and work focused. God knows how he'll negotiate working with her without contact- their problem. He says he can't sack her as her own marriage ended (apparently not her fault and not through infidelity and before this affair) and he was a support through this. I should say my husband confessed to almost getting too close to another woman through work 4 years ago but we talked and it brought us closer, or do so thought. I don't want to lose him. I'm insanely jealous he turned to another woman for companionship leading to a 8 month affair. We slept together recently at my instigation as I needed evidence he was 'back' in our marriage. We'll have counselling. Not sure I'll ever forgive him but I do think, as does he, that he was ridiculous to threaten our comfortable years of retirement ahead and family moments just for the concept I suspect of finding a soulmate in his 60s. I know it's me forcing him to cut her off - he's out of touch emotionally in many ways and thought he could keep seeing her through work but I've put a stop to that by issuing an ultimatum. I know I'm very controlling but he's always seemed to be happy with that and happy in his own sweet world providing for me. We're starting counselling and I'm confident he's not seeing the OW and has but her off harshly to make things clear and he's constantly holding my hand etc again and agreeing to lots of being together. Will he really fall back in love with me having confessed to falling out of love with me last Autumn or is this all surface manipulation of feelings and deep down he still wants her? I can't contemplate life without the structure and status of my marriage - we've been together since I was in my early 20s so he's pretty much all I've known in terms of relationships. I just wanted life to keep
pottering on and can still incredulous he'd threaten all we've built up for an 8 month romance.
I confronted her at work and told her how awful she was for sleeping with my husband. She explained later he instigated and it was mutually deep feelings that they had for each other but i can't believe my loving gentle husband would go this without encouragement from her.

Now I'm feeling strong because he's back and has rejected her but I wonder if we can really ever get back to the 'together forever' stable couple I thought we were? Anyone else experienced an affair after such a long marriage? Will we make it? Will he suddenly give in on his no contact with OW I've forced him into? At the moment he's doing all to convince me it's over including sleeping with me and is full of regret but is this true love for me or normal for a man trying to convince himself that a good-ish marriage he almost gave up on for an affair is the better choice for comfort and stability in his later years (he's 64) than starting again with someone he once thought of as a soulmate but now seems able to cut off.

You sound like he's your project. You've devoted your life to your project. Sadly this was misdirected because he wasn't as invested as you. Get a new project. Learn to do clay pottery or something.

Last year he told me he no longer loved me and was worried for our future.

I’m so so sorry, but this marriage is over. It’s dead. I’m sorry OP.

You can’t make him fall in love with you again. No amount of threats of suicide will make him love you. You’re just blackmailing him. It’s not healthy. It’s fucked up quite frankly.

You need to divorce. This is no way to live.

He will never stop cheating. He will find a way. They always find a way.

Deep down I think you probably already know this. Because why else would you start this thread?

Please get some self respect, find that dignity in you. End this facade and get some legal divorce advice and therapy.

I wish you well x

You shouldn't have pressurised and threatened him into submission. Told him your side without threats, yes, and then let him decide for himself. Now, if he stays, you'll never know if he really wants to or just feels guilt and terror at what you might do. The ow could just be a fling, rather than any deep love, but that doesn't mean he wants to stay with you. You don't own him, even after 40 years. A decision to keep staying together should be mutually agreed, not one sided like this.

I'm sorry though for your situation, I can see urs turned your whole life upside down.

Threatening suicide is appealing and manipulative behaviour. I think you would both be better off apart.

In your position I would want to know he was staying for the right reasons. I wouldn’t spend my life pretending. You talk a lot about your comfortable life and jobs etc. But what really makes you happy? You seem to say that he didn’t want the children to know and you threatened suicide. But has the emotional threat made him stay. Has he spent his life keeping everyone happy? Your life can be different but good. Maybe you need to consider how your life may look without him. I would suggest going to a different counsellor alone as well to discover more about you.

I agree if he wants to do it again he will find a way.....

Your hatred of the OW, while understandable, is completely misplaced. By both accounts he instigated it and even if he hadn't, he'd still have chosen it. His commitment to you was his responsibility.

You appear to want to keep this going through threats of suicide, displacing all your anger and blame on to the person who wasn't married to you and feeling that you "won" because he has "chosen" you, as you see it. That isn't a sustainable foundation.

Sorry but i agree with this.

You threatened suicide... twice.
You are the mother of his children. What was he going to do...?

This is all so unhealthy

OP when I started reading your OP I was all on your side, but the more I read the more I feel for your husband.

The bit about having the stupid concept of finding a soul mate really hit hard. I suspected you had a marriage of convenience but this and subsequent comments really confirmed it. He provides financially and you provide structure at home; it’s transactional rather than emotional. And it’s not stupid for either of you to want to find real happiness with an emotional connection at any age.

And threatening suicide is not being ‘deeply hurt’, it’s emotional manipulation and blackmail.

Firstly I’m so sorry this happened to you - I too have been married for a very long time - approaching 35 years - and I can imagine how devastating it was to learn that your husband had an affair.

But. I’m sorry - I agree with other posters here. He isn’t staying with you because all of a sudden he’s in love with you again. He’s staying and making a massive effort because you’ve repeatedly threatened to kill yourself and the man doesn’t want that on his conscience or have his adult children cut him out if their lives because of what you’ve done as a result of his affair.

You need to let him go. For your own self
respect. Clinging on to a man’s ankles - metaphorically speaking - is not going to make him love you - all it’s going to do is make him bitter and miserable - tied to someone out of duty because he dare not leave. He told you last year that he no longer loves you. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who grows to despise you more and more?

As hard as it is - for your own self respect and future happiness you should sit him down and tell him that although you live him deeply and don’t want him to leave - you also want him to be happy and if he chooses to go - you will no longer threaten to take your own life. You can’t force someone to love you. I adore my husband but if he had an affair at this stage in our marriage and told me that he didn’t love me anymore - as devastated as I’d be - I’d leave. I don’t want a man that I love to stay with me out of duty - and slowly grow to hate me. I’ve more self respect than that.

I do hope things work out for you - but stop blackmailing him. It’s abusive behaviour and it won’t end well.

This situation is not going to get better - it's very likely to get worse. I think you both need to face up to the inevitable, hard as that may be.
Threatening suicide is coercive control- please do not do that again; resolve through talking

The reality is OP you have threatened your life multiple times to keep him in this relationship, so he will do whatever he thinks he has to do right now to prevent that. But he doesn’t love you, and to be honest I’m not sure I could ever love my partner again if they behaved the way you have.

You have both made mistakes, the marriage is over.

OP while him having an affair is awful, so is your behaviour. You’ve been manipulative and potentially abusive. You seem proud that you’ve been able to control him, you talk about control and forcing him a lot.

I think the only way forward is to both get in to individual counselling. Maybe he’ll discover he loves you, maybe he’ll discover he can’t live with your behaviour. Maybe you’ll do the same. Either way you should both focus on building your own emotionally healthy behaviours.

You are in denial and have due to your threat of suicide made him stay to avoid hurting his children. This isn’t sustainable.

The OW didn’t drug tie him up snd make him have sex or a relationship. But you have from MH and control issues.

The reality is he is likely to decide life is short and leave. It would be an easier on everyone to do that in a managed manner.

Are you really going to emotionally blackmail him to stay in a relationship? Because that’s what you have done.

You have your head buried in the sand and are way too focused on it all being her fault. It takes two to tango op. He hasn't fired her and still has contact with her even if it is through work alone. This won't end well and you will likely get hurt again. Threatening suicide is not the answer and if you genuinely had those thoughts then you need to see a GP. Otherwise it is just a manipulation tactic and that isn't OK.

You deserve better and this isn't it. If it were me I would be keeping a track of finances and assets. I'd then speak to him and lay all the cards on the table and see what other revelations come to light. From there I'd make a decision. I appreciate that after 40 years together it will be hard to even consider being single and potentially have to change your lifestyle but I think it's something you will ultimately have to come to terms with. You may think you've had a happy fulfilled marriage op but if he was getting close to a previous colleague then on his side at least things haven't been right for a while. I think you need to be strong and prepared emotionally, if ypur mental health isn't great then please seek help!

It was your husband who cheated on you not the OW. It was your husband who was prepared to blow up his family. Not the OW. Your husband is a liar and a cheat.

I'm not absolutist about relationships, things change all the time and I can believe that the affair was more of a symptom than a great love.

I would be worried though that you are going to find you're back in the same position again in a few months or years. In your case I'm not 100% sure that counselling would actually help you as a couple - I think there's a risk that your husband would say things you couldn't accept. But on balance I'd say try it.

If you are feeling suicidal please talk to the Samaritans or your GP. It is not your husband's responsibility.

Changing your mindset to see retirement as a time of development and change, not stasis, might be a good thing.

Your dh is staying because of fear at what you may do and shame if his dc find out.
You want him to stay at any cost it seems.
I feel for you, I really do but your relationship now is based on manipulation.

My suggestion is to develop hobbies or a social life outside of your marriage.
This will help whether you stay together or not.

Will he suddenly give in on his no contact with OW I've forced him into?

Of course he won’t. He’ll still contact her and see her. Because he doesn’t want to. If he didn’t want to contact her again you wouldn’t have had to force him. Would you?

And if not her, it will be someone else. You are your H are now set up for a very unhappy marriage and retirement. Living a lie. You’ll end up feeling more lonely married to this adulterer than you would if you were separated. Guaranteed!

Life is so short @citylady62 Too short. It’s too fucking short to stay in a dead marriage with a man WHO HAS TOLD you that he no longer loves you.

Why are you prolonging this heartache for yourself? Is this really how you want to continue?

Thank you for your honest advice. I didn't mean to sound casual about mentioning the suicide - the prospect of life without him and my marriage just was unbearable, it felt real at the time not manipulative. I honestly do hope we make it - to just throw away 40 years together is unthinkable for me. I'm hoping our counselling will help work through what it was I was unable to give him when on the surface all seemed fine until the last year or do.

You're blaming the OW so that you can see the problem as external and not actually anything to do with you and him.

So you've blamed her, you appear to believe they're no longer in contact (despite working together?) and you say your husband is back and engaging with you, but here you are, still unsure, insecure, disconnected and not knowing what to do.

If the problem really were external, in the shape of the OW, that wouldn't be happening.

You say "I know I'm very controlling but he's always seemed to be happy with that and happy in his own sweet world providing for me." Can you elaborate on that?

Hi op, whilst i do feel really sad that this has happened to you, I feel that this is probably a long line of affairs in your long marriage. The exact same thing happened with my own mum and dad 15 years ago after being married since 18 but the difference is my mum didn’t threaten suicide despite being at rock bottom.

you absolutely cannot think that your husband is “back” purely because you issued him an ultimatum? He was probably petrified in case you harmed yourself and your dc blamed him for it. Having the responsibility of someone taking their life would weigh heavy on anyone’s shoulders and I think you need to re-evaluate why you threatened this.

I would NOT want to be in a relationship where deep down I knew that my husband was really only with me out of pity/fear/duty/whatever. It’s no way to live and I get that you are being really positive about your future but equally you need to prepare for the fact that this may not really be over if there are deep feelings involved on both sides and you seem to be burying your head in the sand a bit.

as it stands in my family situation, my dad married his other woman and my mum got through the huge betrayal with her dignity intact. She re-married 5 hears ago and now in their mid sixties are all retired and living great lives. You have got years ahead
of you; don’t waste them being second best.

I genuinely wish you well.

@FlissyPaps

He is now saying he loves me again and wants it to work hence resuming marital relations and us seeking counselling. He says he realised the affair wasn't stronger than our family unit at a certain point. I'm just still in disbelief it ever happened...

OP ,you are making excuses here why this has happened. OW / retirement etc. The reason why this has happened is because he is clearly not happy. I think you need some counselling to get your head around this and how you move forward.

@NonPlayerCharacter Controlling in the sense that I organise all our socialising and calendar pretty much and I had a sense that our dynamic worked with him being a leader in the workplace but happy to hand me responsibility for family life . I enjoy lots of socialising with our adult children and friends and he's very happy to up along with it.