Affair after nearly 40 years of marriage

[citylady62]

Same old story but after nearly 40 years of marriage and three grown up successful children I was ready to settle into a comfortable long retirement with my husband. In our marriage he's been the earner and I've worked part time. Times have gone up and down financially but we are now very comfortable - house in a good city and abroad. We have quite different interests and I know that I've been the more extrovert- would describe my husband maybe as borderline highly functioning ASD at times but only slightly. I guess we'd slipped into taking each other for granted. I'd envisaged a really easy ride retirement with him working in his interesting business which he's been growing for the part 4 years and will hopefully give us a good return eventually and which I can dabble in if I choose - it keeps him happy but too happy it turns out. He brought a woman into the business initially as a volunteer, then gave her a paid project and now she's full time managing one project. Last year he told me he no longer loved me and was worried for our future. I took it badly, threatened suicide. We dribbled on through winter into spring. No sleeping together. I suspected an affair but couldn't bring myself to ask. I know he loves the company of this woman who is 8 years his junior. He told me this spring that he had had an affair and slept with her ( I asked him this directly otherwise suspect he'd have kept that to himself) but couldn't contemplate breaking our family apart after so long. He's really keen got the grown up offspring not to know. I took it badly, threatened suicide again and he has agreed to end the affair. He's effectively ghosted his employee as I've told him it's her or me. I'm glad I'm causing her hurt through encouraging him to now treat her harshly because even though he says he instigated it I blame her for reciprocating. He has a high sex drive when younger but it slowed down a lot. I know they were really close, my husband was clearly in love and she's very much like him in personality- quiet, serious and work focused. God knows how he'll negotiate working with her without contact- their problem. He says he can't sack her as her own marriage ended (apparently not her fault and not through infidelity and before this affair) and he was a support through this. I should say my husband confessed to almost getting too close to another woman through work 4 years ago but we talked and it brought us closer, or do so thought. I don't want to lose him. I'm insanely jealous he turned to another woman for companionship leading to a 8 month affair. We slept together recently at my instigation as I needed evidence he was 'back' in our marriage. We'll have counselling. Not sure I'll ever forgive him but I do think, as does he, that he was ridiculous to threaten our comfortable years of retirement ahead and family moments just for the concept I suspect of finding a soulmate in his 60s. I know it's me forcing him to cut her off - he's out of touch emotionally in many ways and thought he could keep seeing her through work but I've put a stop to that by issuing an ultimatum. I know I'm very controlling but he's always seemed to be happy with that and happy in his own sweet world providing for me. We're starting counselling and I'm confident he's not seeing the OW and has but her off harshly to make things clear and he's constantly holding my hand etc again and agreeing to lots of being together. Will he really fall back in love with me having confessed to falling out of love with me last Autumn or is this all surface manipulation of feelings and deep down he still wants her? I can't contemplate life without the structure and status of my marriage - we've been together since I was in my early 20s so he's pretty much all I've known in terms of relationships. I just wanted life to keep
pottering on and can still incredulous he'd threaten all we've built up for an 8 month romance.
I confronted her at work and told her how awful she was for sleeping with my husband. She explained later he instigated and it was mutually deep feelings that they had for each other but i can't believe my loving gentle husband would go this without encouragement from her.

Now I'm feeling strong because he's back and has rejected her but I wonder if we can really ever get back to the 'together forever' stable couple I thought we were? Anyone else experienced an affair after such a long marriage? Will we make it? Will he suddenly give in on his no contact with OW I've forced him into? At the moment he's doing all to convince me it's over including sleeping with me and is full of regret but is this true love for me or normal for a man trying to convince himself that a good-ish marriage he almost gave up on for an affair is the better choice for comfort and stability in his later years (he's 64) than starting again with someone he once thought of as a soulmate but now seems able to cut off.

The vast number of women I know from various social media groups, friends, family and acquaintances, reporting that: " After many decades of marriage, my husband has just left me for another woman", is really quite shocking. At this stage, I would almost go as far as to warn all women in their fifties to sixties to make contingency plans just in case.

I think that deep down this scenario suits all concerned:

OW just got divorced; no way will she want to marry/live with/commit to another man right now. She wants emotional connection, friendship and sex. Far too independant sounding. She also enjoys her job.

"D"H wants emotional connection, friendship and sex and not to rock the boat with his materialistic wife and her preoccupation for social standing and mental health problems/reliance on him and blackmail about grown up DCs.

OP wants status quo and is concerned for herself. Losing her lifestyle. Losing her security and her subjective view on what love is. Hence she is happily ignoring it all.

It is basically the same as my 60ish friend who hoiks her bosom and says "oh I am sure he sorts himself out" (she is imagining a wank only, of course) with a patronising shrug. She does not give a shit and I have gone off her actually. Her DH is a lovely, clever, dignified man.

"D"H has been truthful to OW, OP and himself (in his view)
OP lives in denial but gives no hoots
OW is having a nice time with no desire for change

'"D"H wants emotional connection, friendship and sex and not to rock the boat with his materialistic wife and her preoccupation for social standing and mental health problems/reliance on him and blackmail about grown up DCs.'

'Materialistic wife'. She has been married for 40yrs it is perfectly understandable she'd worry about losing her house to this desperate women trying to secure a future for herself with the boss. The op's 'mental health problems and reliance on her dh'? What on earth is wrong with you to be so nasty to someone asking for a bit of supoort?

I doubt OW is 'having a nice time' at all. She'll be home alone constantly checking her phone and seeing fuck all from her boss. What fun.

As always; I disagree with you.

But it matters not as it is my opinion. But you do seem convinced the "bit of fluff" is out to re marry. It amuses me.

I didn't say remarry. I said secure her future with her boss 🤑, but it seems to have failed.

Glad it amuses you. I have a bit of a higher bar for entertainment tbh.

🤐

Yes. It's truly pointless. The OW is exactly what the person needs to believe she is. Though isn't it interesting, Hastings, that such a transparent and one dimensional money grubber with no further depth began the role in a voluntary capacity and never moved on to any other rich men? Ah, ze little grey cells.

(I'm still giggling at "menopausal bit of fluff with her wily middle aged ways" 😃)

😂

Hi OP,

I can imagine you're going through a whirlwind of emotions right now. You've been together for almost 40 years, so this must feel like a major shock.

It's good that you're starting counseling together—that's a really positive sign.

First, from what you've shared, it sounds like your husband might have been feeling a bit lost or disconnected. He's been the main earner and busy with his business, while you both have quite different interests. Sometimes, in long marriages, couples can drift apart without realising it, and one partner might seek emotional or physical connection elsewhere when they feel something's missing at home.

It's not uncommon for people to have what some call a "mid-life crisis" or a late-life reevaluation, especially as they approach retirement. Your husband might have been searching for excitement, validation, or a sense of renewal, which he found in this other woman. It's a harsh reality, but sometimes people mistake these feelings for something deeper like love or a soulmate connection.

From his side, he's expressed regret and is making efforts to reconnect with you. He might genuinely be feeling remorseful and scared about the potential consequences of his actions, like losing the stability and comfort of your long-established life together. The fact that he's willing to go to counseling and cut off contact with the other woman is a good sign that he wants to make things work with you.

Your feelings of jealousy and hurt are completely valid. Rebuilding trust after such a breach is incredibly tough and will take time. It sounds like he's trying to show he's committed to your marriage by being more affectionate and open now, but it's natural for you to question whether his feelings are genuine or if he's just seeking the comfort and stability of your relationship.

In the end, it’s about figuring out whether you both can move past this and build something new together. Long-term relationships often face hurdles, and overcoming them can sometimes lead to a stronger bond, but it requires honest communication and a lot of effort from both sides.

Take care of yourself and give yourself the space to process everything. Lean on friends, family, or a counsellor for support. It’s a challenging road ahead, but many couples do find their way back to each other.

'Though isn't it interesting, Hastings, that such a transparent and one dimensional money grubber with no further depth began the role in a voluntary capacity'

Maybe the 'money grubber' wasn't qualified or very experienced so did a bit of voluntary first, saw an opportunity and went for it in more ways than one.

Bien sur, Madame. touches hat

@NonPlayerCharacter

I must say, you're very passionate about defending ow.

And not just the fact you believe men are totally to blame and the ow is blameless, but in a sense of being very knowledgable from an ow perspective.

I'd go as far as to say you sound like you love them.
Bravo, such an advocate of women's rights.

I can only wish you well in your own relationships and hope you have many years of ow interupting your relationships, because as we know, you would welcome them with open arms and absolve all of them from any blame.

Good luck.

Op I'm sorry your thread has been hijacked by the morality of affairs.You deserved sympathy not this pile on for using the S word.

💅A personal attack! 🤔Malice even? @NonPlayerCharacter and her relationships, that is interesting 👋

I'll take your word for it. I saw the username and didn't bother reading the post; we all know without looking what it says and that it'll be made up bollocks that did not employ a single little grey cell.

Bon nuit!

Not at all, just pointing out that @NonPlayerCharacter has such insight, knowledge and empathy, it would be a shame for her not to be able to put into practice all of her understanding.

I mean there are not many that would be so forgiving of a woman that slept with your husband and had designs on your wealth, @BlackStrayCat I wish you too the same kind of luck, hopefully when you are of an age to really appreciate the ow trying to pit against you, with younger age, newness and sometimes greed, and you would only feel respect and love for her, you ow advocates are higher beings, you truly are

I bet even if it happened to your own mother you would take your father's ow out to dinner for a slap up meal and say don't worry chicken it's was all daddies fault. You could also say how your own mother is a gold digging, entitled selfish woman for expecting your father to stay and bankrole her, the cheek of your own mother !

Maybe for yourself you may have to move into a smaller home, one day, or your children maybe disenherited in favour of one of these delightful ladies or you can just be thankful that your h is getting the love, nuturing and shagging that he deserves, and you won't say a jot, not to the ow anyway, she entitled to take away half of your kids wealth

I wish you all the best, and hope you have hundreds of ow, so many that they obscure the horizon in their multitudes beating their I have no blame drum.

Quite, it just seems like absolute cruelty to a poor woman whose been married for forty years and has done nothing wrong but feel bereft.

I don't understand it, maybe it's daddy issues or there was a big one that got away.

Regardless it sounds very bitter, and a bitterness that has no entitlement.

Luckily I got divorced last week.

@NonPlayerCharacter

How come he's not leaving? Is she still cooking his meals and washing his pants?

No she's not. She cooks and hides the food so he can't eat it.

He doesn't want to leave for his multiple affair partners. He just wants to be doing his thing under the radar, but she found out and he's furious that she's told a bunch of people about it.

They barely talk to each other, but neither can afford to move out.

I can't imagine living in this environment.

That's very sad. I don't think I could live with it either.

If one of them falls in love with someone secure enough then I suppose the other will have to afford the breakup.

Can I ask how you and you h are now?