Affair after nearly 40 years of marriage

[citylady62]

Same old story but after nearly 40 years of marriage and three grown up successful children I was ready to settle into a comfortable long retirement with my husband. In our marriage he's been the earner and I've worked part time. Times have gone up and down financially but we are now very comfortable - house in a good city and abroad. We have quite different interests and I know that I've been the more extrovert- would describe my husband maybe as borderline highly functioning ASD at times but only slightly. I guess we'd slipped into taking each other for granted. I'd envisaged a really easy ride retirement with him working in his interesting business which he's been growing for the part 4 years and will hopefully give us a good return eventually and which I can dabble in if I choose - it keeps him happy but too happy it turns out. He brought a woman into the business initially as a volunteer, then gave her a paid project and now she's full time managing one project. Last year he told me he no longer loved me and was worried for our future. I took it badly, threatened suicide. We dribbled on through winter into spring. No sleeping together. I suspected an affair but couldn't bring myself to ask. I know he loves the company of this woman who is 8 years his junior. He told me this spring that he had had an affair and slept with her ( I asked him this directly otherwise suspect he'd have kept that to himself) but couldn't contemplate breaking our family apart after so long. He's really keen got the grown up offspring not to know. I took it badly, threatened suicide again and he has agreed to end the affair. He's effectively ghosted his employee as I've told him it's her or me. I'm glad I'm causing her hurt through encouraging him to now treat her harshly because even though he says he instigated it I blame her for reciprocating. He has a high sex drive when younger but it slowed down a lot. I know they were really close, my husband was clearly in love and she's very much like him in personality- quiet, serious and work focused. God knows how he'll negotiate working with her without contact- their problem. He says he can't sack her as her own marriage ended (apparently not her fault and not through infidelity and before this affair) and he was a support through this. I should say my husband confessed to almost getting too close to another woman through work 4 years ago but we talked and it brought us closer, or do so thought. I don't want to lose him. I'm insanely jealous he turned to another woman for companionship leading to a 8 month affair. We slept together recently at my instigation as I needed evidence he was 'back' in our marriage. We'll have counselling. Not sure I'll ever forgive him but I do think, as does he, that he was ridiculous to threaten our comfortable years of retirement ahead and family moments just for the concept I suspect of finding a soulmate in his 60s. I know it's me forcing him to cut her off - he's out of touch emotionally in many ways and thought he could keep seeing her through work but I've put a stop to that by issuing an ultimatum. I know I'm very controlling but he's always seemed to be happy with that and happy in his own sweet world providing for me. We're starting counselling and I'm confident he's not seeing the OW and has but her off harshly to make things clear and he's constantly holding my hand etc again and agreeing to lots of being together. Will he really fall back in love with me having confessed to falling out of love with me last Autumn or is this all surface manipulation of feelings and deep down he still wants her? I can't contemplate life without the structure and status of my marriage - we've been together since I was in my early 20s so he's pretty much all I've known in terms of relationships. I just wanted life to keep
pottering on and can still incredulous he'd threaten all we've built up for an 8 month romance.
I confronted her at work and told her how awful she was for sleeping with my husband. She explained later he instigated and it was mutually deep feelings that they had for each other but i can't believe my loving gentle husband would go this without encouragement from her.

Now I'm feeling strong because he's back and has rejected her but I wonder if we can really ever get back to the 'together forever' stable couple I thought we were? Anyone else experienced an affair after such a long marriage? Will we make it? Will he suddenly give in on his no contact with OW I've forced him into? At the moment he's doing all to convince me it's over including sleeping with me and is full of regret but is this true love for me or normal for a man trying to convince himself that a good-ish marriage he almost gave up on for an affair is the better choice for comfort and stability in his later years (he's 64) than starting again with someone he once thought of as a soulmate but now seems able to cut off.

It sounds absolute Hell.
Might be on the surface ''well off and comfortable'' but with deep emotional unhappiness running through it, like a stick of Brighton Rock.

No man or woman has an affair if all is tickety- boo in the marriage.

He may be in the same room, but is a million miles away, likely thinking of the OW.

For the sakes of both, it's time to call it a day.

Counselling rarely works once an affair has actually happened.

It is. Every other person, man or woman are absolutely inadequate people who probably would be a nightmare in a fulltime relationship.

Poor bloke

He sounds weak.... I too feel oddly sorry for him in this horribly controlling relationship.

Oh I actually feel so sorry for him.

He told you he wasn't happy and didn't love you.

He told you he loved somebody else. He isn't sacking her because he can't bear to imagine his life without her.

He's staying with you purely becuase you threatened to kill yourself. He loves his kids and doesn't want to hurt them. Not by breaking up their parents marriage but especially not by being the reason their mother kills herself.

You've got what you want. He'll do whatever you want, he's clearly accepted he won't get to be happy. He'll just continue miserably until he dies of natural causes or really does give up.

Becuase honestly, from what you've said, he's far more likely to kill himself than you are. The person who openly uses it as a threat is far less likely than the person who quietly gives up on their happiness.

But what is the point of having 50% blame on DH and 50% blame on OW? Is it to make the OP somehow feel slightly better?

OP needs 100% blame on her husband. He chose to cheat on his wife.

Giving them equal blame is just minimising the hurt the man has caused by betraying his wife.

Op, you face a tough few months. Your dh probably fancied this woman from the moment he interviewed her, he may even have known her from before and brought her in so that she could be closer to him. He hasn’t been honest with you. Pouring all your anger onto her isn’t really going to help you. Seeing a counsellor will help you to be honest about the situation and and give you the strength to do what you need to without acting out of fear. You are probably still in shock and having to grieve the fact that the relationship you thought you had no longer exists. You are now in a new reality. What a bastard your dh is to be so dishonest and abusive towards you (I think of affairs as abuse). I wish you all the best no matter what you decide to do.

He definite feels committed now to making our marriage work - otherwise I don't think he'd be sleeping with me again nor including me in all his plans and travel if I want. We're actually spending nearly all our time together right now and no more turning his mobile off funny business

Nope. He is doing this due to your emotional blackmail, that if he doesn’t you will commit suicide. That’s abuse.

An awful thing to happen OP.
I do think that a huge part of his remorse will be connected to this going public.
If it did it could have a huge effect on how he is viewed by his children.
Some adult children might be fine, but in my experience they take it very hard, very personally, and relationships are irreparable damaged.
If he loves his children deeply, he is wise to have paused the path he was on.
As for you OP, I would think his efforts now are about righting a ship that he took off course and is focused on getting into safer calmer waters.
This is 100% about what he feels is best for HIM.
So I would be very very wary.
Keep any inheritance you receive out of the family pot.
As to whether your marriage survives, who knows. He is invested again to save his arse but ultimately he is a cheater and I wouldn't be betting my future on him.
Good luck.

When he is having sex with the Op the woman he is thinking of isn't her.

Uhmmm. No I've got nothing. Sorry OP sounds like a total disaster from both sides. You are not much older than me ( 60's you said?) well take some of your money and go on a month long holiday ( very SHirley Valentine). I don't think your adult children would think much of you treatening to kill yourself. They'd much prefer to visit you on a tropical island somewhere. WHen you come back decide what to do about your marriage.

Why?? He cheated , she found out she felt suicidal and many would after 40 yrs of marriage.

All the apologists for cheaters on this thread.

She sounds like she is putting it 100% on the OW and 0% on DH today. In my view, it should be 50/50. He broke his vows and OW deliberately slept with a man who she knew had taken those vows with OP. I don’t believe that I can sleep with a married man, then say that it is 100% his fault, because I’m not the one who took those vows—he did. I know what those vows are. I shouldn’t be sleeping with a married man. It’s wrong. It’s 50% on me if I do it.

This 100% with number 4 being the priority going forward.

Your feelings are justified OP & I'm sure your threat of suicide, although definitely wrong, it came from utter shock & disbelief & with no actual intentions. I think you have to ask yourself if your complacency & apathy contributed to a feeling of boredom at this stage of life. Your 60s especially if fit & healthy should be a time of adventure & renewal in life. Marriage should be worked at every single day to keep each other interested emotionally & physically. Having different degrees of sex drive is not ideal but again this can be worked on. As the saying goes use it or lose it. I hope with counselling you both manage to get through this episode. Marriages survive worse & you never know it may be the start of something bigger & better between you in the future.

I'd have a fling myself op. Not very useful if you do want to stay together but maybe now is the time for you to experience a bit of excitement.

OP, have you accessed any therapy or counselling for yourself?

I really would encourage you to think about what it is you don't want to lose. Is it your husband as your partner and man you love? Or the familiarity and "easy ride into retirement" together?

He has told you he has fallen out of love with you, has had a physical and emotional affair. I strongly suspect the reason he has now "chosen" you is out of guilt, your suicide threats and not wanting his children to find out he cheated.

I don't think you have "won" here.

It must have been a huge shock to you, but think about whether you want to spend the next years of your life trying to prove to yourself that he has fallen back in love with you. Until he cheats again. Or whether you want to spend them starting afresh sooner rather than later.

If you are feeling suicidal, please get emergency support. If you are not, don't threaten it.

She isn't married to the OP. And I would bet a fortune he told her the marriage was dead etc. I have seen so many men say this over the years when I was in hospitality.

Finding a soulmate isn't a 'concept'.
For you to dismiss his feelings as ridiculous shows contempt.
Let him go.

@citylady62 this happened to my friends parents some years ago, her Dad had retired from a very active and stressful job and thrown himself into a hobby and met the OW through that. Her Mum was devastated, and also gave an ultimatum and he choose to stay married, partly as well thinking about his kids finding out (which they did anyway, but about how they would react if he did actually leave for the OW, what it would do to their friendship groups etc).

That was about 5 years ago and they are still together, have a very social life and seem happy. Who knows what either of them really feel but I honestly think in their case, it was like the Dad took the red sports car for a test drive, found it exciting etc but when push came to shove, realised his Volvo, family car, old but reliable was more his thing.
Not saying this is the norm, or what always happens, just that it can. Hope it works out for you OP.

I agree.

OP, the more you post the more sympathy I have for your DH and the OW, and actually hope they find happiness together. You don’t sound at all devastated at the thought of losing him - your comfortable life that he provides for financially and the social life and travel that brings, yes, but not him as a person.

Agreed its horrible but the blame still needs to 100% be on the husband. The OW didn't force him to have sex with her. He made the conscious decision to betray his wife. Let's face it, if it wasn't this OW, it would have been someone else.....

The telling line in your OP is that you can’t contemplate your life without the status of marriage. If you were genuinely suicidal, did you seek psychiatric help?

Perhaps you would both benefit from individual psychotherapy instead of or in advance of any couples counselling.

Sympathy for the husband and his bit on the side. Jesus.

Yes marriages are routinely improved with disrespect, lack of love, lying, and betrayal.

Yep Janiie. Jesus.