Affair after nearly 40 years of marriage

[citylady62]

Same old story but after nearly 40 years of marriage and three grown up successful children I was ready to settle into a comfortable long retirement with my husband. In our marriage he's been the earner and I've worked part time. Times have gone up and down financially but we are now very comfortable - house in a good city and abroad. We have quite different interests and I know that I've been the more extrovert- would describe my husband maybe as borderline highly functioning ASD at times but only slightly. I guess we'd slipped into taking each other for granted. I'd envisaged a really easy ride retirement with him working in his interesting business which he's been growing for the part 4 years and will hopefully give us a good return eventually and which I can dabble in if I choose - it keeps him happy but too happy it turns out. He brought a woman into the business initially as a volunteer, then gave her a paid project and now she's full time managing one project. Last year he told me he no longer loved me and was worried for our future. I took it badly, threatened suicide. We dribbled on through winter into spring. No sleeping together. I suspected an affair but couldn't bring myself to ask. I know he loves the company of this woman who is 8 years his junior. He told me this spring that he had had an affair and slept with her ( I asked him this directly otherwise suspect he'd have kept that to himself) but couldn't contemplate breaking our family apart after so long. He's really keen got the grown up offspring not to know. I took it badly, threatened suicide again and he has agreed to end the affair. He's effectively ghosted his employee as I've told him it's her or me. I'm glad I'm causing her hurt through encouraging him to now treat her harshly because even though he says he instigated it I blame her for reciprocating. He has a high sex drive when younger but it slowed down a lot. I know they were really close, my husband was clearly in love and she's very much like him in personality- quiet, serious and work focused. God knows how he'll negotiate working with her without contact- their problem. He says he can't sack her as her own marriage ended (apparently not her fault and not through infidelity and before this affair) and he was a support through this. I should say my husband confessed to almost getting too close to another woman through work 4 years ago but we talked and it brought us closer, or do so thought. I don't want to lose him. I'm insanely jealous he turned to another woman for companionship leading to a 8 month affair. We slept together recently at my instigation as I needed evidence he was 'back' in our marriage. We'll have counselling. Not sure I'll ever forgive him but I do think, as does he, that he was ridiculous to threaten our comfortable years of retirement ahead and family moments just for the concept I suspect of finding a soulmate in his 60s. I know it's me forcing him to cut her off - he's out of touch emotionally in many ways and thought he could keep seeing her through work but I've put a stop to that by issuing an ultimatum. I know I'm very controlling but he's always seemed to be happy with that and happy in his own sweet world providing for me. We're starting counselling and I'm confident he's not seeing the OW and has but her off harshly to make things clear and he's constantly holding my hand etc again and agreeing to lots of being together. Will he really fall back in love with me having confessed to falling out of love with me last Autumn or is this all surface manipulation of feelings and deep down he still wants her? I can't contemplate life without the structure and status of my marriage - we've been together since I was in my early 20s so he's pretty much all I've known in terms of relationships. I just wanted life to keep
pottering on and can still incredulous he'd threaten all we've built up for an 8 month romance.
I confronted her at work and told her how awful she was for sleeping with my husband. She explained later he instigated and it was mutually deep feelings that they had for each other but i can't believe my loving gentle husband would go this without encouragement from her.

Now I'm feeling strong because he's back and has rejected her but I wonder if we can really ever get back to the 'together forever' stable couple I thought we were? Anyone else experienced an affair after such a long marriage? Will we make it? Will he suddenly give in on his no contact with OW I've forced him into? At the moment he's doing all to convince me it's over including sleeping with me and is full of regret but is this true love for me or normal for a man trying to convince himself that a good-ish marriage he almost gave up on for an affair is the better choice for comfort and stability in his later years (he's 64) than starting again with someone he once thought of as a soulmate but now seems able to cut off.

I feel sorry for him.

The sex you are having is called hysterical bonding, your sex life will go back to how it used to be in about six months time.

I'm really sorry (genuinely!), but you have your head in the sand. I'm not sure how to put it nicely, so to be blunt, it is sad, but he is not remorseful, he is terrified that you will commit suicide if he chooses his own happiness. He is not "back in the marriage" because you are having sex, he's going through the motions like so many women do in loveless marriages. He is not in love with you and happy, how can someone love someone who is emotionally blackmailing them and making them stay out of guilt?

Please, please, get some counselling for yourself, you deserve to be happy and to work out why you would want to stay with someone who doesn't love you. You deserve better. You need to learn to be okay with letting him go. What he did was wrong, but if he really doesn't love you, then he also deserves the chance of happiness.

Well OP, you've done what I thought was impossible - elicited a response to an affair by a man that doesn't lacerate him and comfort you. That in itself should give you pause for thought as to your attitude and response to his affair.

I’m so sorry this has happened and your world has been turned upside down. If I were in your shoes, here is how I would approach the situation:

1. No further mentions of suicide.
2. Couples therapy with a professional experienced in infidelity.
3. Transfer of 100% of the blame on OW to 50% OW and 50% DH. He must acknowledge and atone for this in therapy.
4. In effective infidelity repair therapy, the injured party gets to set the boundaries for the relationship to move forward. One of my boundaries would be firing OW. Non-negotiable. Her presence does not continue at the company. Her marriage breakup/financial concerns are not my problem.
5. Start envisioning what my life looks like if my marriage does break down. Dig down into the finances—what does 50% look like? Where will I live? Will I move to a different town? Research properties on Right Move—what can I afford, and what does the home I’d likely be moving into look like? What clubs would I join? How would I build up a social life? Maybe start doing some of that now, if I planned not to relocate. I’d want to be assured that if therapy doesn’t work and it all goes pear-shaped, I already have a plan outlined in my head and I’m not starting from zero when it falls apart.

Sorry OP.. Been there, done that, bought the tshirt.

Same age, same situation. Same type of man - quietly spoken, not overly outgoing.
Upon retirement he confessed everything, said he loved me and the other relationship wasn't viable. He chose me (I had no idea there was another woman or a choice). I thought we were happy.
We went to counselling, we cleaned out "Their" flat. He paid her to never contact him again. BUT he would never accept any criticism of her, or their flat. The smile was there but it never reached his eyes.

2 months later, over lunch he said "I'm leaving". She had emailed him 3 days earlier and all it took was that tug on the silken thread.

If your husband has opted out It's unlikely he's opted back in. The words may be there but that doesn't mean his heart is. Be very very guarded, and hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

Honestly op I had an ex that used to manipulate me when I tried to break up with him saying he felt suicidal. In the end I just called his bluff and suprise suprise he's still here a good few years later 😂 it is emotional blackmail and it is extremely controlling of you to do that. He is staying with you out of fear, you're both having sex now because of hysterical bonding but I very much doubt this marriage can last as a happy one after all that's gone on tbh.

I think that you've had some harsh responses OP. No one on here knows what your husband is actually thinking and feeling. Only he knows that. Maybe he is committed to the life you've built together and wants to rebuild things between you. I think that's possible, after all, 40 years is a long time. So I would wait and see how things work out, but as a back up, I would think about what life might look like if you did split up. Having said that I wish you all the best.

a good-ish marriage he almost gave up on for an affair is the better choice for comfort and stability in his later years (he's 64) than starting again with someone he once thought of as a soulmate

What a depressing view of life! Get your pipe and slippers out when you turn 60 as there'll be no excitement from now on. I'm not condoning his infidelity but your quiet and controlled (by you!) man has looked elsewhere for something he wants in life. Long term love is comfy but not thrilling as complacency sets in and life is predictable. He sees he has less time left on this planet and wants something more, he found a connection possibly love with someone else. It's not great for you but he's checked out.

The suicide threats are low. Get therapy on your own.

You're clearly desperate not to lose face socially and to keep up the financial situation that your dh has provided. You sound very high maintenance and manipulative which may well be why you find yourself in this situation. Be warned that your repeated threats to kill yourself will have less and less effect and may not work at all in the future.

It's no marriage if one person has to be coerced into staying in it. Let the poor guy go and find a rich widower to provide the income and status you desire.

I'm sorry op that this as happened but you do now sound very controlling.
If a man said I will kill my self if you leave MN would say it's abusive.
I had an ex that said it to me I still left him.
I think your husband as more feelings for the ow and checked out a while ago.
He's only staying due to fear of what you will do.
Your hugging a cactus the longer you hold on the more it will hurt.
You are becoming abusive to your husband you can't make anyone stay with you.

He has sacrificed his happiness to keep the peace. Even though it may not have worked out with OP, you are now living with someone, who for the rest of his life, will be thinking about her and 'what if'.

He doesn't love you, he resents you with your overbearing ways. Know this.

A woman would be advised NOT to have joint therapy by a manipulative spouse like you.

You need individual therapy.
He needs his own voice.

Some harsh replies here. He wouldn’t be the first man to stray not because of love or finding soulmate but plain old sexual attraction then realise exactly what he stood to lose not just financially but emotionally too That’s why so often women who cling on to affairs with married men so often find he never leaves his wife. If you love your husband it’s worth trying to save the marriage sounds as if there’s still love on both sides

sorry, OP - i can't ever excuse infidelity, but you have to let him go. You will never be sure, because you are a jealous, controlling and manipulative person, that he is staying because he wants to. As pp said: he's staying because you are blackmailing him.

Ask for a divorce, divide the assets 50/50 and go your merry way.

Tell your children you are divorcing, do not tell them why unless you do it together and he agrees of his own free will (if he is reading: divorce, split 50/50 and tell the kids on your terms before your wife does)

@CowTown Transfer of 100% of the blame on OW to 50% OW and 50% DH. He must acknowledge and atone for this in therapy.

Or even better, transfer 100% of the blame to DH and DH only. He is the one that broke the vows. He is the one that has broken the trust.

I have to agree with this.

You need to let him go so that he can explore other channels of being truly happy. He's not happy with you or he wouldn't have considered looking elsewhere twice. Agree with others, he's only with you because of your emotional blackmail which is abusive.

I know I'm very controlling but he's always seemed to be happy with that and happy in his own sweet world providing for me.

You need to have a word with yourself. Read your post back. If it was a friend who wrote it about her situation, would you think she was reasonable?

You just want to sit back and have a mundane retirement and pretend things are fine. You don't want to financially contribute.

I think you'd both find happiness if you went your separate ways. You might surprise yourself.

Kindly, it doesn’t sound like there’s love on both sides at all. Quite the opposite really.

OP’s husband told the OP that he no longer loved her. Then proceeded to have a lengthy affair. That’s not love. That will never be love.

The OP then blackmailed him into staying in the marriage and cutting contact with the OW by threatening suicide. On more than one occasion.

Please don’t be naive. Don’t give this broken woman false hope. It’s not right.

This isn’t love.

The replies seem a bit harsh, one sided. After all, finding out about an affair after 40 years must be an incredible shock. The only way forward to my mind would be couples therapy.

Op, sorry for all these awful responses you've had when you wanted a bit of support. Many, many people talk about suicide when their lives implode so not sure why you are getting told off for that. We are always told to share our feelings, that is not emotional abuse.

Many people, men and women stray. Complacency and boredom are big factors obviously. I doubt he loved her, just loved a bit of a thrill.

All that matters now is what you want to do. Can you forgive him? Many couldn't but if you think you can then it is worth a try if he is honest that he regrets his actions, that it was a mistake and that he wants to stay. Honestly though, you desever better. You may find the next chapter if you go it alone will be exciting and rewarding.

I disagree. OW knew he was married—he didn’t keep it a secret from her. She knowingly slept with a married man, which in my view, is horrible.

People are being very harsh.
This poor woman can see the life she's known for 40 years crumbling to dust and she has nothing to replace it with.
Her past has become a mockery, her present is unstable and her future may well be nonexistant, and those who say things about the new and exciting times awaiting her have no idea about what it feels like to be in her position.
Making new friends and starting afresh in your 60s is really hard. The last opportunity was when your children were small, so all you have are couple friends. You are too young for U3A and too old for other groups, so unless you have a hobby already you are in no man's land.
I imagine she is utterly terrified and would do almost anything to stop it happening (Thus the suicide threat).
Sadly, if he's gone he's gone.
OP there is life after but it's tough, you definitely should get counselling, and it takes a long time before the pain starts to subside. You have my heartfelt sympathy.