Affair after nearly 40 years of marriage

[citylady62]

Same old story but after nearly 40 years of marriage and three grown up successful children I was ready to settle into a comfortable long retirement with my husband. In our marriage he's been the earner and I've worked part time. Times have gone up and down financially but we are now very comfortable - house in a good city and abroad. We have quite different interests and I know that I've been the more extrovert- would describe my husband maybe as borderline highly functioning ASD at times but only slightly. I guess we'd slipped into taking each other for granted. I'd envisaged a really easy ride retirement with him working in his interesting business which he's been growing for the part 4 years and will hopefully give us a good return eventually and which I can dabble in if I choose - it keeps him happy but too happy it turns out. He brought a woman into the business initially as a volunteer, then gave her a paid project and now she's full time managing one project. Last year he told me he no longer loved me and was worried for our future. I took it badly, threatened suicide. We dribbled on through winter into spring. No sleeping together. I suspected an affair but couldn't bring myself to ask. I know he loves the company of this woman who is 8 years his junior. He told me this spring that he had had an affair and slept with her ( I asked him this directly otherwise suspect he'd have kept that to himself) but couldn't contemplate breaking our family apart after so long. He's really keen got the grown up offspring not to know. I took it badly, threatened suicide again and he has agreed to end the affair. He's effectively ghosted his employee as I've told him it's her or me. I'm glad I'm causing her hurt through encouraging him to now treat her harshly because even though he says he instigated it I blame her for reciprocating. He has a high sex drive when younger but it slowed down a lot. I know they were really close, my husband was clearly in love and she's very much like him in personality- quiet, serious and work focused. God knows how he'll negotiate working with her without contact- their problem. He says he can't sack her as her own marriage ended (apparently not her fault and not through infidelity and before this affair) and he was a support through this. I should say my husband confessed to almost getting too close to another woman through work 4 years ago but we talked and it brought us closer, or do so thought. I don't want to lose him. I'm insanely jealous he turned to another woman for companionship leading to a 8 month affair. We slept together recently at my instigation as I needed evidence he was 'back' in our marriage. We'll have counselling. Not sure I'll ever forgive him but I do think, as does he, that he was ridiculous to threaten our comfortable years of retirement ahead and family moments just for the concept I suspect of finding a soulmate in his 60s. I know it's me forcing him to cut her off - he's out of touch emotionally in many ways and thought he could keep seeing her through work but I've put a stop to that by issuing an ultimatum. I know I'm very controlling but he's always seemed to be happy with that and happy in his own sweet world providing for me. We're starting counselling and I'm confident he's not seeing the OW and has but her off harshly to make things clear and he's constantly holding my hand etc again and agreeing to lots of being together. Will he really fall back in love with me having confessed to falling out of love with me last Autumn or is this all surface manipulation of feelings and deep down he still wants her? I can't contemplate life without the structure and status of my marriage - we've been together since I was in my early 20s so he's pretty much all I've known in terms of relationships. I just wanted life to keep
pottering on and can still incredulous he'd threaten all we've built up for an 8 month romance.
I confronted her at work and told her how awful she was for sleeping with my husband. She explained later he instigated and it was mutually deep feelings that they had for each other but i can't believe my loving gentle husband would go this without encouragement from her.

Now I'm feeling strong because he's back and has rejected her but I wonder if we can really ever get back to the 'together forever' stable couple I thought we were? Anyone else experienced an affair after such a long marriage? Will we make it? Will he suddenly give in on his no contact with OW I've forced him into? At the moment he's doing all to convince me it's over including sleeping with me and is full of regret but is this true love for me or normal for a man trying to convince himself that a good-ish marriage he almost gave up on for an affair is the better choice for comfort and stability in his later years (he's 64) than starting again with someone he once thought of as a soulmate but now seems able to cut off.

@LunaNorth

"Why did you post this thread? @citylady62

When you pressed “submit” after you wrote your original post. In those first few minutes - what type of responses were you really hoping for, or expecting?"

I was hoping to find survivors of affairs after similarly long marriages to reassure me that we as a couple will survive this into the long future. Things seem closer than they've been in years right now - he is being remorseful and determined to show me he is again the trusted support he's been all these past 40 years.

OP, you say he has agreed to "no contact" with this woman yet they still work together. Do you think this is plausible?

Your blatant disregard.for the fact its your DH that's done this, is worrying. All your anger is being taken out on the OW. Did she tie him up, kidnap him and force him to have sex? No. You're pretending to yourself that your DH had no agency in this but he absolutely did. If you are to forgive your DH then you also need to let go of the venom you have for the OW, as that, festera and lingers and becomes something so ugly you won't know yourself.
I'm not saying don't forgive, 40 years is a lot to throw away, but if you do, then you need personal counselling to understand and deal with the misplaced anger.
The current sex you talk about, this is you, controlling again. ' If he's intimate with me, I have won' and that's not the case.
Seek help for yourself to deal with your pain and anger before making a decision. You may find you come out of those sessions with a very different mindset.

I think I would take this moment to be thankful you had a wonderful marriage and children. You have given a lot to that. However the marriage is no longer salvageable. Take this next step in your life to do the things you enjoy. If you are going to be financially stable then that one less thing to worry about. Go enjoy the rest of your life without the worry of having to watch over your shoulder. All the best.

@Wishimaywishimight

Yes- he doesn't need direct contact too often in my opinion. We often travel abroad so he can where necessary justifiably use emails and if really necessary, phone calls and ask others in the company to do the in person stuff with her. He can't sack her or the whole thing might cause problems within the company and either clients.

I really hope it works out for you and it’s great he is genuinely remorseful. Has he sacked his lover now?

He is being this way because you have forced him into it.

My friend’s secret partner has sworn to his wife that he has nothing to do with her. He sees her every day on a pretext e.g. gone to visit his aunt, popped to the post office etc. Where there’s a will, there’s a way.

I am so sorry you're going through an affair OP and I hope you get the help you need, however coercive suicide threats are a recognised form of domestic abuse.

I also agree with others that if you have (in your own words) "forced" your DH into his current position the marriage is over, he needs to be able to decide freely if he wants to be in a relationship with you without the threats of what you will do to yourself if he wants to divorce.

It sounds like you will be comfortable if you seperate, and you can find someone who truly wants to be with you out of passion and love, not someone who you've trapped. Xx

Crossed post, sorry. They are still working closely together? Then he is telling you what you want to hear and still seeing her. If he really wanted to, of course he could get rid of her. Businesses survive people leaving, they just adapt.

I think you're just extending the end of your marriage. You're very manipulative threatening suicide. If a man did this to his wife in the same situation, he'd be roundly criticised and rightly so. Your husband has told you he doesn't love you. I think you should believe him, and let him go.

You should be blaming your husband not the OW He is the one who broke his vows to you.
My long marriage ended with an affaire ......I was angry at the OW ( who knew he was married) but far more angry at my ex.

You have manipulated him into staying but is that really for the best. You are dreaming of a happy retirement.......but I think you are deluded.

Do You recognise the level of control you have over your husband? There are four red flags about your behaviour in this post alone.

I’m not sure I’d be happily with him knowing he’s only with me as he doesn’t want to disrupt his life / family set up this late in life. Fair enough if he’s prepared to give up the other woman (and so he should) but for someone who is admittedly insanely jealous, it’s not going to be easy for you. I get people don’t want to start again in their 60’s and perhaps the thought of that and disruption to adult children / social life is enough to stop him playing away. Maybe you can rekindle what you had and genuinely be happy, hope that happens to you. Good luck

I think the only way you will know for absolute sure is if you say to him
"I understand if you do want to walk away".

He might be staying in fear of the mother of his children commuting suicide not because you are the wife he adores.

Are you prepared to give him this option? Because it sounds like you are determined he doesn't have this option.

Yes I think many marriages have limped on like yours most likely will.

And I think you will blame him, OW and refuse to accept your part of emotional abuse in this.

Have you seen your GP about your suicidal thoughts? Your doctor should know.

You are desperate for reassurance your manipulation has worked, that you won, you got what you wanted because you played the trump I am going to kill myself card.

And this is what you need to ask yourself, would he have stayed if you hadn't played that card?

Then you are deluded. I'm very sorry but you are.

He works with the OW. And you're insistent they aren't in contact. Almost scoffing "I don't see how he can work with someone with no contact, that's his problem"

That's the whole point, there's no problem to solve. He's very much still in contact. You just lap up the idea of point scoring when you demand no contact, he says yes, then carries on working with her. It's another false win in your eyes. And these false wins are all you focus on.

Your ego is what this is all about. You sound very much like the overbearing organiser of all your friends and family. There's a tone of superiority at being quite the social butterfly, spending the money of DH who works, while you don't, to fund this lifestyle for you, out of adoration.

Your whole identity is feeling better than others, being a "lady who lunches". And that's what matters to you. That's what you're petrified of losing. Image and this faux social standing. And you think he should maintain his misery and your emotional abuse in a loveless marriage so you can carry on keeping up appearances for yourself. That's the truly scary thing, you genuinely think that's ok. More than ok, you'd be really happy with it.

He Is not staying because he values the family social life, he is staying because as a victim of domestic abuse (suicide threats, forcing him to have sex/hold your hand, threatening other women) he is only scared of what you would do if he does.

You may force him to stay with you, but he will be unhappy all the time. You will have the retirement financially sorted but your marriage is long dead.

My friend is a counsellor, OP, and she told me all of her clients are older and in marriages of over 20 years.

I think if your husband had checked out of this marriage, he wouldn’t be going to all the effort he is to get it back on track. Maybe what’s happened has opened his eyes. I really hope you can work it out and put it behind you. Some marriages do recover from infidelity. It’s got to be worth trying, at least.

I would say that he's trying to come to terms with his age and his own mortality. Not that it helps you much.
Threatening suicide is, as pp have said, emotional blackmail of the worst sort. I can understand how frightened and miserable you must have felt, having your entire world fall apart but this is reality, not a fairytale with a happily-ever-after ending.
Your husband wants out. Let him go. Gracefully. You will make a new life of your own, with the adventures and excitement of being single.

@citylady62 I was hoping to find survivors of affairs after similarly long marriages to reassure me that we as a couple will survive this into the long future.

I very, and sadly, seriously doubt you will find or gain any reassurance from this thread, OP 💐

Look at the responses! An overwhelming majority are telling you that the marriage is over. It’s over. It isn’t healthy.

Sorry to be harsh but you've manipulated him into staying in a unhappy marriage by threatening suicide. This relationship is highly toxic. I think you've gotten yourselves in a horrible cycle playing cat and mouse. He clearly has told you he's unhappy and doesn't love you op. I think its best you both part ways and you seek some professional support for your mental health.

I do wonder if you have any self awareness, with anyone?

Oh dear, OP, this will end very badly for you.

I think the first few responses nailed it.

He is not staying with you for the right reasons.

And it's completely unrealistic that they will have no contact in his company when they work together.

I can't even pick out specific points to respond to because upure clearly very vulnerable and every single thing you have said is a huge red flag - mostly on your part.

I think you need to start being realistic about this.

If you were a man you would have had a good roasting already for how you seem proud of abusing your husband. You are abusing him financially, sexually and emotionally, do you beat him too?

I won’t pussyfoot around an abuser, you are one of the worst I have seen in Mumsnet. Abuse is abuse, whether the perpetrator is a man or a woman.

OP this relationship sounds utterly miserable for the both of you ☹️

Please read Tracy Schorn's book Leave a cheater gain a life