Affair after nearly 40 years of marriage

[citylady62]

Same old story but after nearly 40 years of marriage and three grown up successful children I was ready to settle into a comfortable long retirement with my husband. In our marriage he's been the earner and I've worked part time. Times have gone up and down financially but we are now very comfortable - house in a good city and abroad. We have quite different interests and I know that I've been the more extrovert- would describe my husband maybe as borderline highly functioning ASD at times but only slightly. I guess we'd slipped into taking each other for granted. I'd envisaged a really easy ride retirement with him working in his interesting business which he's been growing for the part 4 years and will hopefully give us a good return eventually and which I can dabble in if I choose - it keeps him happy but too happy it turns out. He brought a woman into the business initially as a volunteer, then gave her a paid project and now she's full time managing one project. Last year he told me he no longer loved me and was worried for our future. I took it badly, threatened suicide. We dribbled on through winter into spring. No sleeping together. I suspected an affair but couldn't bring myself to ask. I know he loves the company of this woman who is 8 years his junior. He told me this spring that he had had an affair and slept with her ( I asked him this directly otherwise suspect he'd have kept that to himself) but couldn't contemplate breaking our family apart after so long. He's really keen got the grown up offspring not to know. I took it badly, threatened suicide again and he has agreed to end the affair. He's effectively ghosted his employee as I've told him it's her or me. I'm glad I'm causing her hurt through encouraging him to now treat her harshly because even though he says he instigated it I blame her for reciprocating. He has a high sex drive when younger but it slowed down a lot. I know they were really close, my husband was clearly in love and she's very much like him in personality- quiet, serious and work focused. God knows how he'll negotiate working with her without contact- their problem. He says he can't sack her as her own marriage ended (apparently not her fault and not through infidelity and before this affair) and he was a support through this. I should say my husband confessed to almost getting too close to another woman through work 4 years ago but we talked and it brought us closer, or do so thought. I don't want to lose him. I'm insanely jealous he turned to another woman for companionship leading to a 8 month affair. We slept together recently at my instigation as I needed evidence he was 'back' in our marriage. We'll have counselling. Not sure I'll ever forgive him but I do think, as does he, that he was ridiculous to threaten our comfortable years of retirement ahead and family moments just for the concept I suspect of finding a soulmate in his 60s. I know it's me forcing him to cut her off - he's out of touch emotionally in many ways and thought he could keep seeing her through work but I've put a stop to that by issuing an ultimatum. I know I'm very controlling but he's always seemed to be happy with that and happy in his own sweet world providing for me. We're starting counselling and I'm confident he's not seeing the OW and has but her off harshly to make things clear and he's constantly holding my hand etc again and agreeing to lots of being together. Will he really fall back in love with me having confessed to falling out of love with me last Autumn or is this all surface manipulation of feelings and deep down he still wants her? I can't contemplate life without the structure and status of my marriage - we've been together since I was in my early 20s so he's pretty much all I've known in terms of relationships. I just wanted life to keep
pottering on and can still incredulous he'd threaten all we've built up for an 8 month romance.
I confronted her at work and told her how awful she was for sleeping with my husband. She explained later he instigated and it was mutually deep feelings that they had for each other but i can't believe my loving gentle husband would go this without encouragement from her.

Now I'm feeling strong because he's back and has rejected her but I wonder if we can really ever get back to the 'together forever' stable couple I thought we were? Anyone else experienced an affair after such a long marriage? Will we make it? Will he suddenly give in on his no contact with OW I've forced him into? At the moment he's doing all to convince me it's over including sleeping with me and is full of regret but is this true love for me or normal for a man trying to convince himself that a good-ish marriage he almost gave up on for an affair is the better choice for comfort and stability in his later years (he's 64) than starting again with someone he once thought of as a soulmate but now seems able to cut off.

If you say so, I think there’s something off about them.

For some reason you're trying, along with some others, to police what people say. I agree with PinkLemonade555 and whilst you might not, you don't have right of veto as to what people say. I've read all of the replies on this thread and there are many that I don't agree with, I think the poster in question has leapt onto an irrelevant point and run off with it but, their right to post it.

My view is that the OP is/has back-pedalled all the way but, her right to do that, her marriage to sort out. I wouldn't want to hold my husband hostage but again, not my husband and I wish the OP well for whatever happens next.

That respect that you're talking about, by the way, goes both ways. Show some yourself.

I said ‘both’ you didn’t laugh but Pink Lemonade did earlier. You aren’t being very nice to the OP.

How am I not showing respect by telling people to be kind, hmmmm???

Yes many are commenting and policing because they can see how nasty some are being. A lot of their comments are being deleted thankfully.

You said “A woman is very distressed and all you can both do is tear her down even more and laugh at her”

I did not laugh at her, don’t put words in my mouth.

Yes that means you are tearing her down and the other is laughing at her. Have you got nothing better to do then be unkind to people?

And a lot of those comments are not. If you're using the 'report' button as some sort of barometer then that's just foolish.

It's not your place to 'tell' anybody to 'be kind', nobody is compelled to listen to you or follow your 'instructions'. That nauseating phrase is overused and it's subjective, isn't it? I do not think it is 'kind' to pat somebody on the back when they are doing and saying things that are not in their best interests to what they say they want to achieve. If you do then that's fine, crack on.

You have absolutely no idea what other posters have been through in their lives and what experience they bring to the OP. SirChengen and PinkLemonade have, in my view, taken the OP at face value and advised accordingly. There are posters on this thread who have taken offence at inference rather than fact, possibly due to their own sad circumstances, but that doesn't mean they are correct.

Regardless, nobody has the right - within guidelines - to silence others from posting.

Oh fgs just because someone is using terminology that you wouldn't and has behaved differently to you doesn't mean it is 'bizarre'.

People are different! Again stop picking on the op who let's not forget is distressed and going through a shit time. Where on earth is your empathy? Oh hang on let me guess, she is controlling so just gets tuts and eye rolls from you and your pals. Well done.

Totally disagree but whatever. It is a good job admin are on it and are deleting the horrible comments. You are basically sticking up for bad behaviour 👏👏👏

No, it means you’re accusing us of both laughing and tearing her down.

You’ve clarified you misrepresented me and that I didn’t laugh so I’ll leave it there.

Yes let’s as you know exactly what I meant :)

No, what you meant to do was to falsely accuse me of something (whilst complaining about lack of respect ironically). Once again, don’t. Ok?

So the OP has said she has made threats, is very controlling, then backpedaled later when the thread wasn't going how she expected.... and the people who are calling this out are somehow bullies?

Aye yeah, okay

It's possible to have empathy for the OP's feelings and also call her out for making empty threats of suicide - the two aren't mutually exclusive. Even in the heat of the moment, it's absolutely not okay to say you'll kill yourself because a man is leaving you - especially if you have kids. End of story.

'OP, the more you post the more sympathy I have for your DH and the OW, and actually hope they find happiness together. You don’t sound at all devastated at the thought of losing him - your comfortable life that he provides for financially and the social life and travel that brings, yes, but not him as a person.'

Not laughing perhaps but joining in with sticking the boot in. You have sympathy for the cheat and his fling and 'hope they find happiness together. Why tf would you say that?!

Not laughing @Janiie you’re absolutely right.

I stand by the rest of my comments as I’m sure you stand by yours.

Yes I did say not laughing, I am absolutely right <as always tbh>
Why would you say to a distressed poster you hope her dh and his fling find happiness together. Don't you think, whilst not laughing nooooo, it is a tad unkind?

Yes @Janiie ypu acknowledged that the other poster had lied. You were absolutely right there <which makes a change>

Why would I wish a person happiness with someone who doesn’t use the worst kind of blackmail? Have a think - I’m sure you can work it out all by yourself.

Context, context. A distressed posted asking for support and advice and you say you hope her dh finds happiness with his fling. It's just not nice is it but you do you.

Exactly - the context is that (and I’ll repeat) I wish a person happiness with someone who doesn’t use emotional blackmail. If you don’t then that’s your choice obviously- and so we shall both do ourselves.

I disagree in part with a lot of the responses so far. Affairs often aren’t a symptom of an unhappy marriage, they are a symptom of an entitled person. Most people don’t leave for their affair partner, because, despite what they might tell them (in order to keep getting the ego boost/sex/validation) they never intend to. They don’t want “instead of” they want “as well as”. Cake eating wankers.
And all this “soul mate” rubbish is just that. It’s far, far easier on one’s conscience to tell your self that you can’t possibly stop shagging Tina from accounts with the enormous breasts, because it’s “true lurrrrvvee”, rather than admit you are just a sad wanker, entirely lacking in morals or integrity and enjoy sticking it somewhere else.

I am unclear as to whether op threatened her dh with suicide or actually, was so bereft at his betrayal that she told him she genuinely felt suicidal? There are increasing studies into the effects of infidelity which liken betrayed spouses to suffering from PTSD, so, if it was the latter, I wouldn’t be surprised.

Whilst op’s dh is perfectly within his rights to decide to leave her, shagging someone else on the side, telling her he no longer loves her (but not mentioning the side piece) and generally being a deceitful twat will always have consequences for him.

The really funny thing is, not only did OW tell her that the DH was the one pursuing her, but the DH then spelt it out that it was absolutely led by him.

OPs ego can't take it. So she's made up her own version.

I didn’t mean to do that at all. I have clarified what I meant to do. You are a fine one to talk about respect. If your comments had of been respectful I would not of said anything to you :)

Excellent, I’m glad you didn't mean to falsely accuse me of something and you accept you made a mistake. Fine to disagree with me but don’t lie and put words in my mouth because you don’t like what I’ve said. OK?

This