Affair after nearly 40 years of marriage

[citylady62]

Same old story but after nearly 40 years of marriage and three grown up successful children I was ready to settle into a comfortable long retirement with my husband. In our marriage he's been the earner and I've worked part time. Times have gone up and down financially but we are now very comfortable - house in a good city and abroad. We have quite different interests and I know that I've been the more extrovert- would describe my husband maybe as borderline highly functioning ASD at times but only slightly. I guess we'd slipped into taking each other for granted. I'd envisaged a really easy ride retirement with him working in his interesting business which he's been growing for the part 4 years and will hopefully give us a good return eventually and which I can dabble in if I choose - it keeps him happy but too happy it turns out. He brought a woman into the business initially as a volunteer, then gave her a paid project and now she's full time managing one project. Last year he told me he no longer loved me and was worried for our future. I took it badly, threatened suicide. We dribbled on through winter into spring. No sleeping together. I suspected an affair but couldn't bring myself to ask. I know he loves the company of this woman who is 8 years his junior. He told me this spring that he had had an affair and slept with her ( I asked him this directly otherwise suspect he'd have kept that to himself) but couldn't contemplate breaking our family apart after so long. He's really keen got the grown up offspring not to know. I took it badly, threatened suicide again and he has agreed to end the affair. He's effectively ghosted his employee as I've told him it's her or me. I'm glad I'm causing her hurt through encouraging him to now treat her harshly because even though he says he instigated it I blame her for reciprocating. He has a high sex drive when younger but it slowed down a lot. I know they were really close, my husband was clearly in love and she's very much like him in personality- quiet, serious and work focused. God knows how he'll negotiate working with her without contact- their problem. He says he can't sack her as her own marriage ended (apparently not her fault and not through infidelity and before this affair) and he was a support through this. I should say my husband confessed to almost getting too close to another woman through work 4 years ago but we talked and it brought us closer, or do so thought. I don't want to lose him. I'm insanely jealous he turned to another woman for companionship leading to a 8 month affair. We slept together recently at my instigation as I needed evidence he was 'back' in our marriage. We'll have counselling. Not sure I'll ever forgive him but I do think, as does he, that he was ridiculous to threaten our comfortable years of retirement ahead and family moments just for the concept I suspect of finding a soulmate in his 60s. I know it's me forcing him to cut her off - he's out of touch emotionally in many ways and thought he could keep seeing her through work but I've put a stop to that by issuing an ultimatum. I know I'm very controlling but he's always seemed to be happy with that and happy in his own sweet world providing for me. We're starting counselling and I'm confident he's not seeing the OW and has but her off harshly to make things clear and he's constantly holding my hand etc again and agreeing to lots of being together. Will he really fall back in love with me having confessed to falling out of love with me last Autumn or is this all surface manipulation of feelings and deep down he still wants her? I can't contemplate life without the structure and status of my marriage - we've been together since I was in my early 20s so he's pretty much all I've known in terms of relationships. I just wanted life to keep
pottering on and can still incredulous he'd threaten all we've built up for an 8 month romance.
I confronted her at work and told her how awful she was for sleeping with my husband. She explained later he instigated and it was mutually deep feelings that they had for each other but i can't believe my loving gentle husband would go this without encouragement from her.

Now I'm feeling strong because he's back and has rejected her but I wonder if we can really ever get back to the 'together forever' stable couple I thought we were? Anyone else experienced an affair after such a long marriage? Will we make it? Will he suddenly give in on his no contact with OW I've forced him into? At the moment he's doing all to convince me it's over including sleeping with me and is full of regret but is this true love for me or normal for a man trying to convince himself that a good-ish marriage he almost gave up on for an affair is the better choice for comfort and stability in his later years (he's 64) than starting again with someone he once thought of as a soulmate but now seems able to cut off.

Oh leave her alone for goodness sake, why are you so intent on picking apart her terminology?

Because the posts really are off - and @PinkLemonade555 is far from the only one picking up on it.

It's very contradictory. "Even if she messaged him inappropriately I'm pretty sure he'd show me to prove his renewed commitment but she's not contacting him any more...or so he says."

She's "pretty sure" he'd show her any messages but she's not at all sure he's telling the truth about there not being any.

I don't blame her for feeling insecure. I would too. Infidelity is a big deal. But she's never going to feel secure or sure because by her own admission, she's never going to give him a clear path to leave...so she'll never know why he's staying.

Because it’s ridiculous. The denial and blame shifting absolutely staggering.

I know you've since amended your language but more than once in your op you said it was 'threatened suicide'. A threat is not the same as feeling suicidal, and the words people choose initially are the ones most people will consider the more truthful. Being less guarded language. Especially after so many have pointed out that threats of suicide are known manipulative tactics and you've tried to defend yourself against those accusations.

You've also said you would never be OK with him ending the marriage. And you (think) he's on board.

The thing is, you are never ever going to be quite sure about your marriage ever again. Partly because affairs will do that. But also because, the suicide threats, the refusal to consider ending the marriage, these are all reasons he would feel he HAS to stay. Not because he wants to. It is a more solid and loving foundation to let someone 'go' and if they choose to stay, that's your answer right there.

As regards telling your kids...did he ask that because you threatened it?

I have a horrible suspicion that you're possibly very controlling. You will never get what you really want by thumbscrewing commitment out of people

The OP has already admitted to being controlling @supercali77 so you’re absolutely right there - I know I'm very controlling but he's always seemed to be happy with that and happy in his own sweet world providing for me

The way some of you are over analysing her every comment is what is really off. This is relationships not aibu.

There is a distraught woman, asking for advice and support. Try to do so kindly or don't bother.

Regarding the use of language - the presumption is that English is OP's first language, which may not be the case. However when describing controlling she goes on to say, organiser or some such. This is very much the case in 80% of households, men seem to focus on their career whilst women are expected to pick up the life load of children, household, plans etc as well as work often full time. She being more sociable probably was very much the organiser and glue that held the family together.

Why some posters are choosing to be so heavily and blatantly cruel is beyond me it really is. Nitpicking at every choice of word, every sentence as though it is a sport.

So sorry you are receiving this sort of response from strangers who have no idea of your life and situation.

People reporting my comments now for simply questioning the strangeness of OP’s posts.

what a joke 😂

Exactly! Some focusing on 'controlling' when the op then clarifies ' controlling in the sense that I organise all our socialising and calendar pretty much and I had a sense that our dynamic worked with him being a leader in the workplace' which is indeed probably what loads of people do.

I mean come on it's hardly coercive control it. 'Oh dh we are going to a bbq Sat it's on the calendar' .

Yes it’s relationships, well spotted. Highlighting those comments that are very off is not over-analysing @Janiie - they give great insight into the OP’s thinking and behaviour.

Dp you describe organising the family and your social life as controlling others? I never have, but perhaps you do. The back-pedalling that goes on after posters question the language used is fascinating.

Over analysing hmm. The threat of suicide leapt out at me in the first post. It's precisely that, a threat in order to maintain control and its considered by most/many as abusive. Rightly so. Then the op says she's controlling.

After many people pointed out the very obvious problems with noth of those things, the op did one of either 2 things. Clarified, or backpeddaled.

In language there are thousands upon thousands of words we can choose from so if the very first and second things out of your mouth are 'threatened' suicide. I will tend to take the person exactly at their word.

'In M y OP I fear the language I have has caused a bit of a red herring - I wasn't clear enough: when I used the phrase 'threatened suicide' I most certainly didn't mean it was a calculated action. I was in total shock and it almost seems surreal now remembering that awful moment when my husband of 40 years told me for the first time ever in our marriage that he thought he'd didn't love me anymore and again some months later. We married so young and this was for me the first rejection in love I'd ever faced - and at the age of 64! Reading all these comments back I feel ashamed'

She then went on to clarify. She was in shock, give her a break.

It's hardly a jump to assume there may be a power/abuse dynamic at play when the OP herself stated originally that she 'threatened' suicide and is openly 'controlling'.

She never stated she attempted suicide, or even 'I expressed suicidal thoughts' - which would be a much more typical use of language in this scenario. It's really not pedantic to point this out.

The backpedaling, clarifying, saying everyone's got it wrong etc, is only since the OP has been called out. @supercali77 is right - usually the first version of recalled events is the most accurate, especially where someone is being questioned on their behaviour.

That being said, we can't know for sure. OP I am sorry you have gone through this - the betrayal must be horrendously painful and infidelity is always wrong, regardless of anything that has come afterwards. You didn't deserve it (no one does) and it's on your husband. If you are genuinely suicidal, please speak with someone as soon as you can.

I don’t know how many years you’ve been married @Janiie or how many children you have, but I’ve been married for 30 years and have three children (a teenager and 2 independent adults). If DH told me he was having an affair and it was confirmed they had strong feelings for each other my first reaction would not be to threaten suicide twice. I’d be devastated, of course, but there’s no way I’d end my life because he wanted to leave (he’s a free man) or subject my children to the death of their mum in addition to a separation. The OP’s first thought appeared to be ‘what can I throw at him to force him to stay’ - and she did the very worst thing which was to say ‘I’ll kill myself, cause our children to be devastated by that loss and forever question what they could have done to prevent me killing myself, and both will be your fault DH’. Awful.

Also PinkLemonade is absolutely on point in her responses.

Betrayed spouses always have to believe it meant nothing because it's less damaging to their ego. It allows them to believe things can be repaired if they think of the AP as some sort of omnipotent being, and their spouse was just seduced because they were confused/hurt/weak/stressed.

In reality things aren't so black and white. Both OP's husband and the woman from work have behaved despicably, but why does he get away with a 'blip', but she's somehow without morals/has a damaged ego? 'Oh poor man, he was just so tempted by this evil seductress' - do you actually hear yourselves?

It's perfectly feasible that he's in love with her, and her him.

Easy to say when you have never been in that position same as many commenting on the thread.

The sheer trauma of discovery, particularly later in life after a long and what OP assumed was a mutually happy long marriage can indeed trigger a severe mental health trauma. It is not for us to judge and point fingers. I know of someone so traumatised by her husband having an affair that she did commit suicide, incidently whilst he was away shagging the OW for a weekend, leaving 2 motherless children. If you had known and spoken to her a week before she found out you would have considered her a well balanced, strong woman, the heart of her family, whilst supporting at great sacrifice a husband and his career bringing their DC up almost singlehandedly. I know of others that have ended their life for what we would consider less traumatic reasons - a farmer who's small crop had failed losing a mere 10k. I know of an elderly husband who despite having had a 5 year casual affair, went to pieces when his wife died naturally through illness and he killed himself. I often wonder if the guilt got to him as he'd nursed his DW with such compassion. I have no idea if she knew before she died.

The world is not black and white/ right and wrong.

Until we are in other's shoes we just cannot say what we might do, so being all preachy and moralistic doesn't cut the mustard.

You have no idea what I or any other poster has experienced. What I do know is that I wouldn’t threaten suicide twice and use the kind of language the OP has done.

I wish her well but I am of the view that the OP has forced a situation using emotional blackmail and is now living a lie - but providing outward appearances are maintained she will turn a bind eye to this blip and will live in denial. I’m also of the opinion that the OP needs to work on building a life for herself to improve her self esteem so that she doesn’t have to resort to threats to get her husband to stay in a marriage about which he appears to have doubts. We are all free agents and if we wish to leave a marriage we should be free to do so without being threatened with something so awful. We certainly have to then live with the consequences of leaving, but no-one should be subjected to that level of emotional blackmail.

@Gonetoofarthistime indeed- you would have me down as a tough cookie but I certainly acted very out of character for at least a year after I found out my H had been a total unkind twat. I had always said I was a very live and let live kind of gal - a bit of a 'cool' wife. Turns out when the shit hit the fan and it was real and not just a theory- I wasn't very cool or live and let live at all. People say all sorts of stuff they don't mean when their world has been shot down in flames and yes do awful stuff too like threatening suicide ( not me I may add- I was too busy threatening to take him to the cleaners) - that's why these days I'm a bit of a cynic on the 'oh we can all have lots of friends of both sexes and go out with them on our own etc' or get very close to people at work . At one time I would totally have agreed because I was judging this on my behaviour and reactions in those situations- life isn't black and white and we don't all react as we think we would when real shit rears its head.

You and PinkLemonade555 are as bad as each other. A woman is very distressed and all you can both do is tear her down even more and laugh at her. Have some respect and some basic compassion seriously 🙄

She really doesn't seem that distressed to be honest. I suggest you read her posts again.

I have read her posts and I think your replies are awful.

Let’s be very clear - at no point have I laughed at the OP. I have questioned her threats of suicide and the language she’s used and I would do that with anyone using emotional blackmail in this way - but laughing? Nope, that’s a baseless accusation and I won’t have that.