Affair after nearly 40 years of marriage

[citylady62]

Same old story but after nearly 40 years of marriage and three grown up successful children I was ready to settle into a comfortable long retirement with my husband. In our marriage he's been the earner and I've worked part time. Times have gone up and down financially but we are now very comfortable - house in a good city and abroad. We have quite different interests and I know that I've been the more extrovert- would describe my husband maybe as borderline highly functioning ASD at times but only slightly. I guess we'd slipped into taking each other for granted. I'd envisaged a really easy ride retirement with him working in his interesting business which he's been growing for the part 4 years and will hopefully give us a good return eventually and which I can dabble in if I choose - it keeps him happy but too happy it turns out. He brought a woman into the business initially as a volunteer, then gave her a paid project and now she's full time managing one project. Last year he told me he no longer loved me and was worried for our future. I took it badly, threatened suicide. We dribbled on through winter into spring. No sleeping together. I suspected an affair but couldn't bring myself to ask. I know he loves the company of this woman who is 8 years his junior. He told me this spring that he had had an affair and slept with her ( I asked him this directly otherwise suspect he'd have kept that to himself) but couldn't contemplate breaking our family apart after so long. He's really keen got the grown up offspring not to know. I took it badly, threatened suicide again and he has agreed to end the affair. He's effectively ghosted his employee as I've told him it's her or me. I'm glad I'm causing her hurt through encouraging him to now treat her harshly because even though he says he instigated it I blame her for reciprocating. He has a high sex drive when younger but it slowed down a lot. I know they were really close, my husband was clearly in love and she's very much like him in personality- quiet, serious and work focused. God knows how he'll negotiate working with her without contact- their problem. He says he can't sack her as her own marriage ended (apparently not her fault and not through infidelity and before this affair) and he was a support through this. I should say my husband confessed to almost getting too close to another woman through work 4 years ago but we talked and it brought us closer, or do so thought. I don't want to lose him. I'm insanely jealous he turned to another woman for companionship leading to a 8 month affair. We slept together recently at my instigation as I needed evidence he was 'back' in our marriage. We'll have counselling. Not sure I'll ever forgive him but I do think, as does he, that he was ridiculous to threaten our comfortable years of retirement ahead and family moments just for the concept I suspect of finding a soulmate in his 60s. I know it's me forcing him to cut her off - he's out of touch emotionally in many ways and thought he could keep seeing her through work but I've put a stop to that by issuing an ultimatum. I know I'm very controlling but he's always seemed to be happy with that and happy in his own sweet world providing for me. We're starting counselling and I'm confident he's not seeing the OW and has but her off harshly to make things clear and he's constantly holding my hand etc again and agreeing to lots of being together. Will he really fall back in love with me having confessed to falling out of love with me last Autumn or is this all surface manipulation of feelings and deep down he still wants her? I can't contemplate life without the structure and status of my marriage - we've been together since I was in my early 20s so he's pretty much all I've known in terms of relationships. I just wanted life to keep
pottering on and can still incredulous he'd threaten all we've built up for an 8 month romance.
I confronted her at work and told her how awful she was for sleeping with my husband. She explained later he instigated and it was mutually deep feelings that they had for each other but i can't believe my loving gentle husband would go this without encouragement from her.

Now I'm feeling strong because he's back and has rejected her but I wonder if we can really ever get back to the 'together forever' stable couple I thought we were? Anyone else experienced an affair after such a long marriage? Will we make it? Will he suddenly give in on his no contact with OW I've forced him into? At the moment he's doing all to convince me it's over including sleeping with me and is full of regret but is this true love for me or normal for a man trying to convince himself that a good-ish marriage he almost gave up on for an affair is the better choice for comfort and stability in his later years (he's 64) than starting again with someone he once thought of as a soulmate but now seems able to cut off.

Have you been clear to him now that you won't kill yourself or stand in his way if he wants to leave? That's honestly the only way to know if he's staying for the right reasons.

Well said.

OP - you don't need to stay together for your adult children or for your social life. You definitely shouldn't stay together because you enjoy him providing for you financially even though you can go and earn your own money.

But that’s what “threatening suicide” means. To use the words and/or the feelings to get someone to change their actions to what you want. It was a threat. And it is a pity you weren’t faced down about it.

Similarly with your use of the word controlling- I think it’s quite possible that you are controlling (as a minimum under the rule of ‘when someone tells you who they are, believe them’)

I’m also bemused by what you expected from this thread. You’ve got everything you want, so I’m not sure what more anyone can give.

Do you care if your husband is happy? it comes across that you value the label of ‘being together’ way way more than having a good relationship. You seem triumphant, and the lording it over the OW is pure fish-wife.

It’s amazing how having been cheated on myself after 30 years together, and having been around Mumsnet for half that time, and having seen the general level of revulsion aimed at cheaters here, I still was rooting for your husband and finding genuine connection and happiness in his later years. That’s a first for me. In the old days I would have given you a biscuit.

Its awful what has happened it really is.
But you come across as a very controlling person.
And now after seeing comments of pulling you up on it you come back to play victim.
I'll be very honest he will find a way to get in contact with her or it could just be someone new.
Cheater's always find a way.

I didn't mean to sound casual about mentioning the suicide - the prospect of life without him and my marriage just was unbearable, it felt real at the time not manipulative.

It doesn't matter if you genuinely felt that way or if you were saying it to be manipulative, the effect on the other person is often the same and they'll stay even if they don't want to. Once you say it the threat still stands unless you tell them that you're not going to do it. I stayed trapped for years because of suicide threats.

If he said again that he wanted to leave would you threaten it again?

You sound like you don’t give a shit about him and only want to protect your standard of living. You say you threatened suicide twice, but you didn’t say you felt suicidal. Sounds like a manipulation tactic. Let him go, he deserves happiness too. He already told you he doesn’t love you anymore.

He's since been totally remorseful and says he too realises how stupid he has been to risk losing everything our marriage and family life gives him. I really sense a new start. He says he now realises the OW wasn't worth risking his family for and is deeply sorry for the pain he caused me. My worry is that they were friends for many years before they became colleagues so I'm still insecure about how much he truly means to her. I regret not encouraging him to socialise with us as a couple years ago as maybe then she wouldn't have contemplated sleeping with a man whose wife she knew pretty well but I sensed instant dislike and jealousy towards her years ago when my husband told me he enjoyed her company. I look back now at the moments of total horror for me and am ashamed I panicked and couldn't talk to him as an adult but mentioned suicide. I don't think he would have confessed to me he'd actually been sleeping with the OW unless he wanted to commit to us getting back on track as his personality is often bluntly black and white and he clearly finds it difficult to live with a lie. He does actually clearly take great strength in the companionship we've built up even if it lacked the spark he seemed to feel was missing latterly. That's what has been so difficult about all this - his ability to carry on our normal life with me with some degree of our habitual of physical closeness, for example he has always held my hand but this whilst I now know he was sleeping with the OW . I'm hoping now our own bedroom intimacy has resumed that we're back on track and with counselling hope our marriage will be even better than before now we've had a paradigm shift after all that's happened.

Well, good luck to you OP. I would suggest that you also use this as a wake-up call and focus on building your own life and interests that don’t involve him so that if he does leave you don’t feel that you have to threaten suicide - you’ll know you can survive/thrive perfectly well without being married to him.

I'm sorry you went through this @kkloo. Yes, I've told him I'm ok now but no, I will never tell him it's ok to leave our marriage as I believe he should keep that promise forever and haven't had a moment's thought that my life would be better without him even with knowing he's had an affair. In many ways I would describe us as quite interdependent and I sense he is relieved to have confessed and have the routine and comfort of our domesticity back. I think it was a genuine 'intimations of mortality' crisis for him wondering what sex outside of our long marriage might be like.

Do you honestly think he’s not still sleeping with her and having a relationship with her? Or are you ok with him still being with the OW so long as he does it discreetly so you can maintain a facade?

He’s ‘happy’ now he’s back in captivity 😂😂

So glad you find it ok to laugh about this 🙄🙄🙄

I’m laughing at how bizarre it is the OP apparently has literally no idea how ridiculous this sounds

So by emotional blackmail you have the appearance of what you want. Honestly OP if you haven't already get your finances in order because anytime I have seen this play out it's a when not an if.

I have signposted you to surviving infidelity and I will do that again. I’m really not sure from reading the responses on here that you will get anywhere near the support and empathy you need right now.

Surviving infidelity is NOT a reconciliation site it is a site for supporting a betrayed partner through the 2-5 years of trauma from cheating. There are numerous forums one being the reconciliation forum but there is also divorce and separation.

You are being absolutely crushed on here for a visceral reaction when you were traumatised. Your writing style did not help your position but the trauma after 40 years would have meant you moving into fight, flight or freeze and behaving uncharacteristically goes hand in hand with that.

Here are my thoughts.

Firstly yes you can survive affairs but not with a cheating partner who is only part way there. I do not know your husband at all, but you need to spend a huge amount of time really unpicking what remorse looks like. This is where a decent affair recovery site will help. I believe @FairyMaclary offered some ideas. I’d also get a copy of ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’ and read it so you have a sense of what to look for and then pass it to him.

I’m not sure he has really unpicked why he did this. Two things concern me. One that you pin so much blame on the other woman, there will ALWAYS be people willing to cross the boundary of partnership or marriage in pursuit of their happiness, it is on the one partnered to keep their spouse safe. HE DID NOT DO THAT. You keep mentioning that he wanted to experience sex with someone else, underneath that is a deep rooted selfishness and entitlement that his needs trumped your mental, emotional and sexual health. That is something he needs to dig deep into otherwise he remains unsafe.

You need to really spend time reading around affair psychology. Again @FairyMaclary mentioned a number of sources. In my honest opinion all sources have their worth. I read prolifically to understand myself and my reasons for staying and to understand my husbands actions and to help my healing. On mumsnet threads there are a lot of blanket statements around reconciliation and ‘love’ but it’s not the TRUTH of many happily reconciled couples or reflective of their lives and day to day experiences.

In the same way as people are bleating on about other women being different, every cheat is different, every betrayed is different and every story IS different.

The trick is to navigate YOUR story as safely as possible while healing from one of the worst of not THE worst trauma of your life. I found knowledge is power in doing that. As is talking to people who have walked the path you wish to take. SI will help with that.

Im sending you a unmumsnetty hug, I’m in awe that you keep reaching out here despite the messaging you’re getting.

Why should she have to? He is a grown man. He has to sort himself out. Her explanation about the suicide is clear to anyone who has an emotional IQ. She needs support.

I could say a lot (seems I did) but I'll stick to these two things that jumped out at me:

I'm still insecure about how much he truly means to her.

You are determined to blame her because if it's all her fault then that excuses getting back together with him, but if you can think more broadly than some posters can, you'll realise that if you can trust him, and if you realise it's on him, then this doesn't matter. If he's now committed and trustworthy then it doesn't matter if she'd die for him, he's going to stay yours.

You can't be insecure about how much he means to her unless you're also insecure that he's going to do it again. You're displacing it all on to OW to square the circle of taking him back and having it all as it was but the insecurity and uncertainty you feel is really about him.

Yes, I've told him I'm ok now but no, I will never tell him it's ok to leave our marriage as I believe he should keep that promise forever and haven't had a moment's thought that my life would be better without him even with knowing he's had an affair.

Then you will never know if he's staying for the right reasons and you will never have the security you long for. You don't know what he thinks or feels - you "sense" and "think" it but that's all. And while you mention your happiness, you don't mention his at all; the implication here is that you think he should stay even if he's not happy or doesn't love you. Your reasons for him staying are because he shouldn't break his promise and because you are happy. Nothing to do with his happiness or love for you.

You're on here asking people to reassure you that it's all going to be as you want but we can't give that to you. The only way to do it is to accept his fidelity is entirely on him (because without love and happiness binding him to you, he is always susceptible to seeking it elsewhere) and then let him go so he can freely choose to stay. You know what they say about letting someone go if you love them.

It is going to be ok, op. Things will work out as they should and in time you will come to accept whatever life throws at you. While your marriage is getting back to normal there are some things you might consider a) get counselling. It will strengthen you and help you to develop an identity outside your marriage. It will help you to find out what you really want from a marriage. b) invest in yourself. Do hobbies, return to education etc. if you already have those in place then really focus on them. You deserve time to yourself and a life of your own with good friends apart from DH. C) think about what YOU truly want from life. Are you really happy with dh? Can you really forgive him? You panicked when he wanted to leave but would life be so bad without him? You have gained a lot from marriage including your children, but perhaps it is now time to move on.

you are still in shock and are still quite raw.

Treat yourself with kid gloves, really look after yourself. Good luck, OP.

I realise I more meant this the other way around - I don't care about the OW's feelings for him as he has now recommitted to me and she's now irrelevant as far as I'm concerned but it just worries me that as they had years ago friendship before the affair that this aspect will make it hard for my husband to really let her go entirely. It's as hurtful that I know he liked her friendship as it is thinking of them sleeping together, possibly worse. Just can't work out why I wasn't enough when he seem to get in really quite well and had built such a lovely life together...

I'm sorry for what you've been through OP, but threatening suicide is coercive control and abusive.

You can read the many posts on here where the man has done that and everyone tells the woman to leave as he won't actually do it.

Please go for counselling on your own.

Pleased to read this OP. It's a lesson that no matter how long people are married they need to keep the spark alive or the flame will die. I hope you will return one day to let us know if counselling helped you both to get back on track. 💐

One thing you do know is your H can lie effectively to you. You don't know if he's doing that now or not.

You have a notion that if all the pieces are in place - as you see it - that X can't or shouldn't happen. What you are not accounting for is feelings, how he felt when around her, how she made him feel. I have a friend in a perfect 'on paper' marriage but her husband has no real interest in her as a person and over time, she gave up trying. She is in a long standing relationship outside the marriage with someone who actually sees her, adores her for her, not as a role, wants to really know her. It sounds like your husband and his affair partner may be genuinely simpatico and when that comes along, then I'm afraid all the carefully built 'lovely life' stuff doesn't always count for much. We cannot 'account' for other people's feelings.

The marriage will never be back on track. Counselling might get it to a point where it can move forward but it will never be the same again - not after an affair which does seem to have been built on more than just sex, and the OP’s threats of suicide in order to force his hand. It’s nothing more than smoke and mirrors at the moment, and whilst her DH could agree wholeheartedly with everything that the counsellor says ultimately, the marriage in its previous form has gone. Whether something new will come out of this who knows.

Will some of you just shut the up. Talk about kicking someone at no doubt their lowest point in life. It takes great strength to reconcile, to put aside what those we love most dearly have done. OP is not staying for the wrong reasons despite enjoying a good life with her husband, she's staying out of love that has been there 40 years and is still there.

OP, many commenting negatively have probably never been in your situation, are younger idealist neysayers who can only imagine what they might do when presented with xyz situation and likely have never been in a relationship of this length.

If you have hope, feel your husband is open, fully remorseful and you are both reconnecting happily, then go with it with a full heart and make a new marriage and look to a good retirement for you both.

If for any reason you feel he is not fully signed up and the signs will be there, then re-evaluate the situation in a positive and confident way, knowing you have done all you can and accept the marriage is over or that you both agree to open up the marriage and he has his needs met and you yours.

Please take on board, you are not to blame for his cheating. It was his choice and his alone to stray. All marriages go through peaks and troughs and it is never a case of you not being good enough etc etc so please don't go down that hole or you will destroy yourself. Accept how things are now, show grace and patience and hopefully it will work out just fine.

There are more people who have affairs and choose to remain with their spouses, despite the intensity of limerence experienced during an affair. Sometimes good people do bad things and make awful mistakes. Chalk it up to this please.

Wishing you and your husband the best of luck @citylady62 xx