Affair after nearly 40 years of marriage

[citylady62]

Same old story but after nearly 40 years of marriage and three grown up successful children I was ready to settle into a comfortable long retirement with my husband. In our marriage he's been the earner and I've worked part time. Times have gone up and down financially but we are now very comfortable - house in a good city and abroad. We have quite different interests and I know that I've been the more extrovert- would describe my husband maybe as borderline highly functioning ASD at times but only slightly. I guess we'd slipped into taking each other for granted. I'd envisaged a really easy ride retirement with him working in his interesting business which he's been growing for the part 4 years and will hopefully give us a good return eventually and which I can dabble in if I choose - it keeps him happy but too happy it turns out. He brought a woman into the business initially as a volunteer, then gave her a paid project and now she's full time managing one project. Last year he told me he no longer loved me and was worried for our future. I took it badly, threatened suicide. We dribbled on through winter into spring. No sleeping together. I suspected an affair but couldn't bring myself to ask. I know he loves the company of this woman who is 8 years his junior. He told me this spring that he had had an affair and slept with her ( I asked him this directly otherwise suspect he'd have kept that to himself) but couldn't contemplate breaking our family apart after so long. He's really keen got the grown up offspring not to know. I took it badly, threatened suicide again and he has agreed to end the affair. He's effectively ghosted his employee as I've told him it's her or me. I'm glad I'm causing her hurt through encouraging him to now treat her harshly because even though he says he instigated it I blame her for reciprocating. He has a high sex drive when younger but it slowed down a lot. I know they were really close, my husband was clearly in love and she's very much like him in personality- quiet, serious and work focused. God knows how he'll negotiate working with her without contact- their problem. He says he can't sack her as her own marriage ended (apparently not her fault and not through infidelity and before this affair) and he was a support through this. I should say my husband confessed to almost getting too close to another woman through work 4 years ago but we talked and it brought us closer, or do so thought. I don't want to lose him. I'm insanely jealous he turned to another woman for companionship leading to a 8 month affair. We slept together recently at my instigation as I needed evidence he was 'back' in our marriage. We'll have counselling. Not sure I'll ever forgive him but I do think, as does he, that he was ridiculous to threaten our comfortable years of retirement ahead and family moments just for the concept I suspect of finding a soulmate in his 60s. I know it's me forcing him to cut her off - he's out of touch emotionally in many ways and thought he could keep seeing her through work but I've put a stop to that by issuing an ultimatum. I know I'm very controlling but he's always seemed to be happy with that and happy in his own sweet world providing for me. We're starting counselling and I'm confident he's not seeing the OW and has but her off harshly to make things clear and he's constantly holding my hand etc again and agreeing to lots of being together. Will he really fall back in love with me having confessed to falling out of love with me last Autumn or is this all surface manipulation of feelings and deep down he still wants her? I can't contemplate life without the structure and status of my marriage - we've been together since I was in my early 20s so he's pretty much all I've known in terms of relationships. I just wanted life to keep
pottering on and can still incredulous he'd threaten all we've built up for an 8 month romance.
I confronted her at work and told her how awful she was for sleeping with my husband. She explained later he instigated and it was mutually deep feelings that they had for each other but i can't believe my loving gentle husband would go this without encouragement from her.

Now I'm feeling strong because he's back and has rejected her but I wonder if we can really ever get back to the 'together forever' stable couple I thought we were? Anyone else experienced an affair after such a long marriage? Will we make it? Will he suddenly give in on his no contact with OW I've forced him into? At the moment he's doing all to convince me it's over including sleeping with me and is full of regret but is this true love for me or normal for a man trying to convince himself that a good-ish marriage he almost gave up on for an affair is the better choice for comfort and stability in his later years (he's 64) than starting again with someone he once thought of as a soulmate but now seems able to cut off.

A legitimate study by the American psychological association showed after infidelity 53% of marriages ended in divorce after 5years, even after couples therapy. This proves 47% of marriages survived after couples therapy.

Also, OW don’t ’destroy’ marriages. Cheaters do.

women have to blame the women so they can continue to live with their lying, cheating husbands in complete denial and cognitive dissonance.

and before I get accused of being an ‘OW’, my exH cheated on me multiple times. I didn’t really care by the end because he was so abusive I just wanted out. But I never harboured any resentment towards the OW because I didn’t have an investment in lying to myself about the truth of what my exH was and how he truly felt about me. I was leaving.

Sorry, 80%, my bad. Depends what you want to believe I guess.

'I get people divorced for a living '

Yes course you do.

I don't think real solicitors give 2 hoots as long as they get paid. The sanctimonious lecture from @PoisonMaple is absolutely laughable, and very unpleasant too. This is relationships not aibu why are people taking such delight in kicking the op, are they all desperate ow so used to being given the runaround by married men so are doign a bit of projecting 🤔.

'Also, OW don’t ’destroy’ marriages. Cheaters do'

Cheaters destroy their own marriages true, aided and abetted by desperate other men and other women waiting in the wings, who have failed to have any successful relationships so are desperate to grab whatever crumbs they get flung at them.

I know various people who have had affairs, either with other married people or as singletons with other people and you know what they all have in common? Pretty much nothing. They are as varied as the human race is generally. There is no single 'type' of person and outside of this aspect of their existence, are usually as good or bad or indifferent as anyone else. There are people who cheat who are pricks all round, but they don't have a monopoly on that. My ex-husband didn't cheat on me but not because he was a person of some great integrity - he didn't get the opportunity and the organisational skills needed would have been beyond him 🙄.

That doesn't add up with OP's subsequent posts though. If it was the OW, she would be delighted with so many saying that OP is not handling it the right way. Instead she seems genuinely shocked and upset at the responses, and keen to insist that things are going well between OP and husband.

Agreed but my reference still legitimate 👍

Op are you okay?

Saying ‘I feel suicidal’ after finding out your husband of 40 years has betrayed you is not abusive. I am really surprised by the responses. Being deceived for months. Lied to by the man you chose to share a life with etc etc. It’s not a surprise that she is devastated . We also do not know what else has occurred in her life. Or her mental health prior to this crisis. She may have worded it the way she did due to feeling ashamed at how upset she is etc. She may not have anyone in real life to speak to. She may now be blaming herself for his shitty choices.

Yes abusive people do throw this around often to deflect from their shitty behaviour. Often following them punching their partner. Or after being caught cheating. Or because their spouse is sick of their addictions and is trying to leave.

But this poster has been faithful and presumably blindsided by her shitty husbands behaviour. I have known many betrayed people who have felt suicidal and at least one person I suspect committed suicide due to betrayal (possibly a second who cheated on their spouse). Age has taught me that reactions to being betrayed are often hidden from friends and family - usually due to shame. Once people realise you are 100% team betrayed they open up. It’s heartbreaking. But while they think people are judging them for being a crap spouse or for not leaving immediately or for falling apart, they hide away and stay quiet. Films and books portray affairs as Romeo and Juliet love stories not the selfish actions of selfish people.

We can only take a poster at face value. I only use my time to comment if I want to. If they transpire to not be who they say they are then so be it. I hope my post will help another person googling in the future. If I help one person I’m glad I posted in relationships.

Op I hope you are okay. Go to surviving infidelity. Please seek real
life help and take care of yourself.

She didn’t say she felt suicidal that was the point. She said she threatened it. Posters have been reacting to her blatant displays of self confessed controlling behaviour.

surviving infidelity is the most pro-reconciliation load of twaddle who labels liars and cheaters as merely ‘wayward’. Hapless fools who ‘wandered off the path’. It’s a joke.

perfect for those who stay with cheaters and want to continue to bury their head in the sand.

Felt suicidal/threatened suicide, it's all much of a muchness isn't it. If people are devastated I dont think they pay attention to semantics tbh.

Your sneering at a site that supports people is just appalling.

40 years is a long time to be married. The op is absolutely allowed to express her feelings of betrayal and despair. This board is supposed to offer support. Why tf are you so hell bent on picking on her. Bitter experience with a married man?

Not at all - I’ve been cheated on. So the reverse, in fact.

it’s not really the same is it - language is very telling.

And yes I don’t like websites that encourage women to stay in miserable and likely abusive relationships with men who don’t love them. Or minimises their behaviour with stupid terminology.

@PinkLemonade555

Some SI posters are very, very pro divorce! Some say you can reconcile in some circumstance. Do you mean the affair recovery website? They are pro reconciliation.

The aim of most SI posters is to get people out of the situation they find themselves in. If there is a better website please sign post it as I will make people aware as sadly I encounter this situation regularly in my day to day life. Chump lady doesn’t suit everyone. So the more signposts the better.

There are limited places to go/books to read for help following the trauma of betrayal. Chump lady is great for some, as is cheating in a nutshell, but SI has helped several people I know.

Abusive partners often call their partners controlling especially when caught cheating (they don’t like being told not to shag someone else). It helps them rewrite their history. Just like a physically abusive partner justifies their punches by saying their spouse asked for it because they chatted to someone . This poster may be calling herself controlling as he blames her for his cheating and she currently cannot see the wood from the trees. Controlling may just mean she tells him not to go on only fans or come home paralytic every night or don’t smoke pot in the garden.

@PinkLemonade555

Just read your next post and i am sorry you were cheated on. I hope life is far better for you now.

Felt suicidal/threatened suicide, it's all much of a muchness isn't it.

Good God, it really bloody isn't.

It's one thing changing meanings and misreading when you're just doing it to convince yourself that everyone with a reasoned outlook based in reality is just an adulterer because there's no other way they couldn't agree with you. It's quite another to pretend that feeling suicidal and threatening suicide are the same thing. That's staggering. You could be suicidal and threaten suicide, but they're still two different things.

Thanks - it is, a lot. Because I left. He was an abusive POS. The tone of the OP reminded me of him a lot, and I don’t believe all infidelity is black and white. 99% of the time it’s entirely stereotypical but sometimes, it isn’t. I could easily have cheated on my exH. I was tempted, very tempted, because he treated me so badly and I was desperate for affection. I was too terrified of what he’d do to me though. And yes he also threatened suicide. Many times. Also threatened to take me with him.

I judge SI as being pro-reconciliation by its use of language. The whole ‘wayward’ BS really annoys me. It makes it seem harmless, when it isn’t.

most women attempt reconciliation and then tie themselves in knots over it. You only need to read the posts on here. I wish these women would see their worth and not cling on to men who don’t love them. And I’ve posted it previously, but cheating is not compatible with genuine love. It is impossible.

the hating on the OW is a distraction, as well.

Sounds like OP will fit right in.

She's trying to convince anyone who'll listen that her husband chose her. Saw the error of his ways and is begging her back, such a prize she is.

It's not fooling anyone. Not that OP cares as long as she can do the Hyacinth Bucket act and the DH shuts up and funds it.

True love.

I imagine all her peers have long sussed what her relationship dynamic is (was) and her idea that they are all envious of her and her life, is a load of bull. People aren't stupid. They'll know.

Threatening suicide is manipulative.

You're not owning that.

Your anger is misdirected.

HE cheated on you. He most likely pursued her as she said.

I think he wanted or of your marriage. He didn't deny the affair. He expressed not being in love with you.

You don't want to believe the truth and this will only make him resent you.

His heart isn't with you. Don't hold him hostage in the marriage.

'Not at all - I’ve been cheated on. So the reverse, in fact.'

And yet yesterday you sniggered that I'd been cheated on and 'was still very bitter'. You do give out mixed messages.

'the hating on the OW is a distraction, as well'

Oh do grow up. No-one has 'hated' on ow or om, rather disagreed wirh your assertion that she sounded smart and engaging or similar. No, she sounds like an opportunistic desperado as all 'other people' are.

No-one has 'hated' on ow or om

You hated on them over and over! You literally call them "opportunistic desperados" in the same post and declared that they "all are". Even if the insults are deserved, how on earth do you not understand that you've made them?

I'm starting to think that you truly cannot see anything that contradicts what you want to be true, even to the point of denying your own words that are right there on screen in front of everyone. That's why you think all OW/OM are exactly the same; every time you see someone who doesn't fit your idea, your eyes just slide over them and you erase them. Like the poster you're now down to insulting because she turned out to be a betrayed wife and not the OW you assumed she must be because she didn't think you were right. Anything except thinking, seeing what's in front of you and realising that what you are stating just isn't true.

It is impossible to have a discussion with someone like this. It's worse than useless. The only thing it's good for is demonstrating the levels of denial it's possible to reach when you really want to.

'You hated on them over and over! You literally call them "opportunistic desperados"'

Pointing out ow/om are opportunistic desperados is not 'hating on them'. It is stating facts. I don't 'hate' anyone.

I know, I know. It's "facts" that they're all exactly the same person with exactly the same back story, exactly the same motivation, exactly the same propensity for serial shagging, exactly the same "desperation" etc. From the naive, groomed 18 year old to the 55 year old midlife crisis guy, they are all exactly the same profile that you've made up and that's fact. And it's just as much a fact that you absolutely haven't hated on them at all in this discussion, in fact - nobody has!

I would ask who on earth you think you're fooling, but that's obvious: yourself. And I can't deny you're doing a grand job. Mission most certainly accomplished, and that's the best I can say. All else is beyond pointless.

In M y OP I fear the language I have has caused a bit of a red herring - I wasn't clear enough: when I used the phrase 'threatened suicide' I most certainly didn't mean it was a calculated action. I was in total shock and it almost seems surreal now remembering that awful moment when my husband of 40 years told me for the first time ever in our marriage that he thought he'd didn't love me anymore and again some months later. We married so young and this was for me the first rejection in love I'd ever faced - and at the age of 64! Reading all these comments back I feel ashamed but in the moment I would have done anything to make him wake up and realise what he was potentially throwing away. In the very moment I was in shock and felt I'd rather be dead than imagine him gone and possibly with someone else. He didn't have the honesty to tell me in the first conversation when he intimated that something was wrong with our marriage when he said '"I don't think I love you any more" that he w as involved with the OW . I am almost totally sure he is now committed to making things work out for our marriage and for the sake of our grown up offspring. We do actually have s as good time when we all socialise together and I think as you get older and face retirement these things will become increasingly important . I guess only time will tell if he stays but having told me that his commitment is to the family and that the OW was nothing more than a mid life crisis type thing I'm relieved we seem to be heading back on track as a couple and that the OW was just a short term thing apparently - possibly a fear of him getting older and thinking our long marriage has left him with very few sexual experiences.

Who are you trying to convince OP, us or yourself?

Anyway, I don’t think this thread is going to make you feel any better. No matter how many times
you explain. I hope things work out for you and you have a happy retirement.

Yes all you can do is see how it goes. He cheated for a reason and it is likely it is then hard to get it to go back to the way it was before. He seems unsure and all you can do is give it time. I think you need to set boundaries though. What if he does it again?