Affair after nearly 40 years of marriage

[citylady62]

Same old story but after nearly 40 years of marriage and three grown up successful children I was ready to settle into a comfortable long retirement with my husband. In our marriage he's been the earner and I've worked part time. Times have gone up and down financially but we are now very comfortable - house in a good city and abroad. We have quite different interests and I know that I've been the more extrovert- would describe my husband maybe as borderline highly functioning ASD at times but only slightly. I guess we'd slipped into taking each other for granted. I'd envisaged a really easy ride retirement with him working in his interesting business which he's been growing for the part 4 years and will hopefully give us a good return eventually and which I can dabble in if I choose - it keeps him happy but too happy it turns out. He brought a woman into the business initially as a volunteer, then gave her a paid project and now she's full time managing one project. Last year he told me he no longer loved me and was worried for our future. I took it badly, threatened suicide. We dribbled on through winter into spring. No sleeping together. I suspected an affair but couldn't bring myself to ask. I know he loves the company of this woman who is 8 years his junior. He told me this spring that he had had an affair and slept with her ( I asked him this directly otherwise suspect he'd have kept that to himself) but couldn't contemplate breaking our family apart after so long. He's really keen got the grown up offspring not to know. I took it badly, threatened suicide again and he has agreed to end the affair. He's effectively ghosted his employee as I've told him it's her or me. I'm glad I'm causing her hurt through encouraging him to now treat her harshly because even though he says he instigated it I blame her for reciprocating. He has a high sex drive when younger but it slowed down a lot. I know they were really close, my husband was clearly in love and she's very much like him in personality- quiet, serious and work focused. God knows how he'll negotiate working with her without contact- their problem. He says he can't sack her as her own marriage ended (apparently not her fault and not through infidelity and before this affair) and he was a support through this. I should say my husband confessed to almost getting too close to another woman through work 4 years ago but we talked and it brought us closer, or do so thought. I don't want to lose him. I'm insanely jealous he turned to another woman for companionship leading to a 8 month affair. We slept together recently at my instigation as I needed evidence he was 'back' in our marriage. We'll have counselling. Not sure I'll ever forgive him but I do think, as does he, that he was ridiculous to threaten our comfortable years of retirement ahead and family moments just for the concept I suspect of finding a soulmate in his 60s. I know it's me forcing him to cut her off - he's out of touch emotionally in many ways and thought he could keep seeing her through work but I've put a stop to that by issuing an ultimatum. I know I'm very controlling but he's always seemed to be happy with that and happy in his own sweet world providing for me. We're starting counselling and I'm confident he's not seeing the OW and has but her off harshly to make things clear and he's constantly holding my hand etc again and agreeing to lots of being together. Will he really fall back in love with me having confessed to falling out of love with me last Autumn or is this all surface manipulation of feelings and deep down he still wants her? I can't contemplate life without the structure and status of my marriage - we've been together since I was in my early 20s so he's pretty much all I've known in terms of relationships. I just wanted life to keep
pottering on and can still incredulous he'd threaten all we've built up for an 8 month romance.
I confronted her at work and told her how awful she was for sleeping with my husband. She explained later he instigated and it was mutually deep feelings that they had for each other but i can't believe my loving gentle husband would go this without encouragement from her.

Now I'm feeling strong because he's back and has rejected her but I wonder if we can really ever get back to the 'together forever' stable couple I thought we were? Anyone else experienced an affair after such a long marriage? Will we make it? Will he suddenly give in on his no contact with OW I've forced him into? At the moment he's doing all to convince me it's over including sleeping with me and is full of regret but is this true love for me or normal for a man trying to convince himself that a good-ish marriage he almost gave up on for an affair is the better choice for comfort and stability in his later years (he's 64) than starting again with someone he once thought of as a soulmate but now seems able to cut off.

Don't bother. That poster knows everything about people she's never met, believes that only adulterers would hold someone 100% responsible for their own promises and thinks destroying a relationship ("blow it up" were her own words) makes it equal.

She works for him.

She ain't that financially secure.

Exactly she's in her mid 50s, bet she's keen for a bit of retirement security. Kerrching! the boss will tick all those boxes 🤑.

Her 'own money' but can't find her own boyfriend.

What are you on about, blow it up meaning shed some light on this whole affair.

Tell family, friends, etc.

Get the ow name out there, what's been occuring at work.

This affair bubble needs bursting.

I think they would. Men in general like sex a lot and lots would be up for no strings sex on the side. Both sexs would. It's not about being a bit of fluff or a ego boast you can snag a boss. For some it's just shagging. Some people shag around as they enjoy a shag.

This show is depressing, but also kind of fascinating. People really think like this.

It was more the ‘free’ bit I was referring to.

women shouldn’t be ‘giving out’ ‘free’ sex…

Your last comment reveals so much.

Opinions of others not needed.

Main character syndrome.

No they shouldn't. Men and women should work on their social skills and try to engage with unattached people. I understand some have such poor self esteem they don't feel able to find their own partners but imo they'll only be happy when they aren't accepting the desperate crumbs that cheaters chuck at them. Ow/om do better. You're worth it .

You're the one who thinks that everyone who disagrees with you is an OW and that you have a psychic insight into the histories of people you've never met. And that "blowing up" a relationship is the same as making it equal, while lecturing people on sustaining long term relationships.

It's obvious that for whatever reason, your thinking on this is so limited and blinkered that, while you obviously have a right to post, you have nothing to contribute.

'It's obvious that for whatever reason, your thinking on this is so limited and blinkered that, while you obviously have a right to post, you have nothing to contribute'

Ah @feckery Your 'thinking is limited, you have nothing to contribute' . Honestly what a load of patronising twaddle. I don't understand the complexities of life apparently as i haven't been fangirling the ow who some have called 'smart and engaging'. This thread would be hilarious if it wasn't so weird. Who knew so many people happy to encourage people sniffing round married people.

Wow, you just don't see it do you.

This poster this, this poster that, actually asking others to side with you, it's manipulative to get others on side....

and your piece de resistance "you have nothing to contribute" x 2.

Whatever, you do you on the main stage you've created, I still don't know what your opinion is.

Probably that affairs are bad but not when conducted by people who have a far superior intellect, blah, blah, blah

Ok then. I remember what I said earlier about pigeons and I should take my own advice. It will be obvious to any reasonable person what's going on here; I don't need to keep saying it for the benefit of those who are determined to misread and make rubbish up because they aren't capable of thinking beyond their 2D fantasy.

OP, have you told him that you won't do anything to stand in his way if he wants to leave? And mean it? That is really the only way you'll get the reassurance you need. Sometimes, to save a marriage, you have to be prepared to let it go.

@Janiie

It is a weird thread.

Probably triggering for many as the mental health card of the wife has been used since the beggining of time to dump an over zealous, get back in your box, please don't think I ever wanted to dump my family for you, ow.

I'd say it's the No 1 reason/excuse actually.

"I know I'm very controlling but he's always seemed to be happy with that and happy in his own sweet world providing for me."

OP, you actually wrote this. Do you really think this, on reflection? What does that ay about you as a person and your understanding of your husband. Did you ever check he was ok with this ?

I wont bang on about the 'threats of suicide' but I wonder if you have ever actually thought about the impact of this on your husband? That if he ever left you you would take your own life? depriving your children of their mother and leaving your whole family a lifetime of regret, sadness and unanswered questions ? That's actually a terrible thing to 'threaten' someone with. How would you feel if he threated this ? It leave hik with two choices ? Give in and subjugate his own needs and happiness, or call your bluff and risk devastation? Could you forgive someone who manipulated you in to that situation ? Its not very emotionally mature is it ?

The whole post reads more what I would expect from a woman in her mid 20's not 60 ish. You seem very emotionally immature and self focussed - is this something you recognise ? Do you manipulate (or try to) other people to behave as you want / expect ? How about your adult children ?

This is an opportunity to take a good long look at yourself, with the aid of a therapist to see if you can identify themes in your behaviour that may have contributed to the problems in your marriage, and if you can be strong enough to find out what you husband actually thinks and wants for himself and not just because you have manipulated him into doing what you want.

@citylady62 I can give you an example of this happening. Similar ages, the man immediately dumped the OW although it took several months before all communication ended. Wife left the husband and he did not take up again with OW. Wife and husband reconciled about a year later and everything seemed well for 2 years. He then started communicating again with OW.
This example suggests that perhaps it's more about the excitment of secret chats and so on than it is about the person as he had opportunity to see OW when he was separated. However, it could also indicate a cake-eater. He was on his best behavior to get his wife back then once that's settled he can resume his games.

It doesn't surprise me that so many posters have been critical of the OP because of the way OP writes the information.
I don't think that a mature woman whose husband has been unfaithful but has now ended the affair would write the following.
'threaten' suicide. I think it would be more likely to say 'I felt like ending my own life' or 'I felt suicidal'.
'dribbled on' when referring to the period during which they were trying to reconcile
'the grown up offspring' when referring to her own children
I do think that an OW would write in this way, in a reverse, and would be particularly keen to hear any stories where the MM has reconciled with his wife only to resume the affair with the OW. The OP has specifically asked for such examples.
Not claiming that is happening in this case.

@citylady62

I hope you are okay op. What your husband has done after your long marriage is unforgivable. Cheating causes a form of PTSD in victims, PISD. If you are struggling to sleep, eat etc this is normal. Try and exercise, eat protein shakes if you can’t stomach proper meals. Lots of water and general self care.

Suicide thoughts are sadly very common. The Samaritans are there 24/7. If you can afford it EMDR therapy is very useful. Please find someone who specialises in infidelity and trauma. You have undergone a traumatic event. Any counsellor who discusses ‘unmet needs’ or suggests you are to blame in any way is not the counsellor for you.

No-one can make a person cheat. I don’t cheat for me. My integrity and honesty are important to me. My husband is annoying at times but I choose to remain faithful. It’s a daily choice that I make. It does not matter what my spouse does I don’t cheat. I can divorce of course. I am faithful for me. I have to look at myself every day for the rest of my life and I want to like and respect myself. So I choose to remain faithful. He is the collateral damage to my choices.

If I put the responsibility of my faithfulness in the hands of my spouse then I could permit myself to cheat. But to me that is nonsense. He does not possess such power over me. I am faithful for me. His poor behaviour can’t make me change my core values. If my core value is being honest I will remain honest regardless of what those around me do.

A person has three good choices if they are unhappy in a marriage a) divorce b) push for counselling c) put up and shut up. All are difficult decisions and are uncomfortable in the moment.

Cheaters often have poor character traits. People pleasers, hate confrontation, go along with easy openings, hate making decisions, likes smoke up the arse, attentions seeking, poor self control, other addictions, unable to self soothing, self entitlement etc.

People cheat in good marriages as well as bad marriages. Some in terrible marriages never cheat. A marriage can’t make someone cheat.

What concerns me op is that he had a dalliance before around 4 years ago (I think that is what you said). Was that rug swept?

Unless you get to the very bottom
of what has allowed your husband to choose to break the vows that he made in front of friends and family he is not a safe partner. Not wanting your kids to know suggests he is experiencing shame. Remorse is very different from guilt and shame.

I wish you well op. Check out ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’ by Macdonald and ‘not just friends by Shirley glass are good to read. Go onto the surviving infidelity website. Nothing you did can cause someone to CHOOSE to cheat. It’s a choice.

You can reconcile without forgiving. You can forgive and not reconcile. But your first step is ensuring you are no longer with a cheater. And cheaters lie, is the affair defiantly over or has it gone underground? Very common. Is this really his first dalliance? What happened 4 years ago. And cheating is abuse as putting your spouse at risk of STDs and ptsd, gaslighting and letting them waste years as you lie to their face is abusive. It’s a choice he thought was acceptable, why?

I do think with many of these guys doing such stuff has little to do with the marriage- everything to do with feeling life's a bit flat , Groundhog Day and they get hooked on the adrenaline rush of secrecy and 'newness' and someone being 'so into them'
There are many within 9 months in touch with the wife again 'secretly'

They need a daily buzz that they aren't getting from monogamy.

Quite sad really and some women are the same too (although it seems less)

@Feckery

If he wanted to he would leave, I mean he's already had the balls to tell op he didn't love her last year and he's had an affair, why not go the next step and have the balls to leave, tell the kids and start again. Her threats mean nothing to him, it's not like he cares about her mental health is it.

But when he tried to leave last year after telling her he didn't love her anymore the OP threatened suicide.
When the affair became known, the OP threatened suicide again.
It's her go-to for making him stay but who knows how far she's willing to take it at this point?
If he tries to leave her again, will there be another threat of suicide from the OP or will she actually do it?

He could hope he's calling her bluff but it could be catastrophic if she acts on her threats.

Spot on.

It reads more like a fact finding mission.

This posters response is so accurate.

I feel truly sorry for your husband having to put up with you all these years.
Threatening him with suicide?
Bullying and controlling him?
I hope he does leave you and finds some happiness before it's too late.

Op, its understandable your not returning. Many here wish you well so please keep this in mind. As far as the OW is concerned forget about her. It won't be long until she finds someone else's marriage to try & destroy. The only valid reason for pursuing liaisons with a married man is if his marriage is formally over first before accepting his advances. It's worth remembering there are studies which indicate a huge percentage of marriages survive an affair if they seek the proper help both individually & together. Wishing you all the very best in the future.

"I get people divorced for a living" On the contrary poisonMaple, there are people who save marriages for a living. I'm sure your excellent in your field. This doesn't mean everyone seeking a divorce shouldn't be advised to consider if it's for the best & whether their marriage could be saved with the appropriate help, especially where young children are concerned.

This is total rubbish. An overwhelming 87% of marriages end within five years of discovering infidelity.

I imagine the others just limp on.