OP all you are looking for is reassurance that you can continue to have what you want how you want it forever.
But you can never be certain if someone is staying out of love rather than fear if you have forced their hand.
It seems you are happy to use emotional abuse, not just with suicide but towards making the OW as miserable as possible via your H. And you seem to take pleasure in this.
Can you just think about things from someone else's viewpoint for once?
Do you care about your H or is it just the status he gives you?
Can you honestly not see that threatening suicide is not a tactic it's abuse?
Is your H staying because he saw the light and now realises it's you he loves?
Honestly I don't think so. I think he is staying out of fear.
You are making him make OWs life a misery, you are both lying to your children about your "perfect" marriage, I assume you haven't talked to your GP about your suicidal thoughts.
Right now what you have is smoke and mirrors.
But yes your H has stayed for now. But think about who you are right now, you are emotionally abusive, you are bitter to the point of being twisted about the OW, you are insisting on lies to the children, and each other and yourself. I get the feeling you are never going to forgive him this yet he will be expected to forget the "suicide threats".
And this is starting to get to you inside because you posted on here. I think you are beginning to realise this. Hence why you are only seeking reassurance that all you have done is, you know basically ok, bit of a slip up, but you did what you had to to keep your status, you can plan trips away, meet up with friends to boast about how the Italian lakes are perfect this time of year, but you know that the innocent joy has been taken out of this, and not just by his but by your actions as well.
.
The happy, carefree, joyful retirement you are so desperate to cling to just isn't there right now. Yes the money and status might have remained but the planning together, loving committment with your long marriage, the caring for each other, the "we made it despite the kid's best efforts", the trust on both sides, the absolute certainty that this is where you both want to be, all these bits, the bits that make life happy, well they are going to take work to regain.
Would you want to stay with you?
Do you really want to stay with him?
If you lost everything and had to be together in a flat with no cash for travel would you want to be with him now?
The only way you will stop needing reassurance is to give him the option of leaving. Then see if he stays. .
Then if he does you need to forgive him
And then you need him to forgive you
Then you can move forward to happy twilight years.
Your marriage is now a pressure cooker of lies and manipulation. You need to talk to someone, if it's not going to be a friend you need to find a therapist, and so does your H, he should be able to talk to someone even a friend, or have you banned that as well, both singular and then perhaps together. It might mean the end of this façade but it would end at some point regardless.
Not many women can reassure you that a 40 marriage stayed together after an affair because of how you reacted. You made your H stay in fear of you taking your life. This is what you need therapy for. And this is why few can reassure you. He had another affair, you ramped up the abuse. Where do you go from here?