Affair after nearly 40 years of marriage

[citylady62]

Same old story but after nearly 40 years of marriage and three grown up successful children I was ready to settle into a comfortable long retirement with my husband. In our marriage he's been the earner and I've worked part time. Times have gone up and down financially but we are now very comfortable - house in a good city and abroad. We have quite different interests and I know that I've been the more extrovert- would describe my husband maybe as borderline highly functioning ASD at times but only slightly. I guess we'd slipped into taking each other for granted. I'd envisaged a really easy ride retirement with him working in his interesting business which he's been growing for the part 4 years and will hopefully give us a good return eventually and which I can dabble in if I choose - it keeps him happy but too happy it turns out. He brought a woman into the business initially as a volunteer, then gave her a paid project and now she's full time managing one project. Last year he told me he no longer loved me and was worried for our future. I took it badly, threatened suicide. We dribbled on through winter into spring. No sleeping together. I suspected an affair but couldn't bring myself to ask. I know he loves the company of this woman who is 8 years his junior. He told me this spring that he had had an affair and slept with her ( I asked him this directly otherwise suspect he'd have kept that to himself) but couldn't contemplate breaking our family apart after so long. He's really keen got the grown up offspring not to know. I took it badly, threatened suicide again and he has agreed to end the affair. He's effectively ghosted his employee as I've told him it's her or me. I'm glad I'm causing her hurt through encouraging him to now treat her harshly because even though he says he instigated it I blame her for reciprocating. He has a high sex drive when younger but it slowed down a lot. I know they were really close, my husband was clearly in love and she's very much like him in personality- quiet, serious and work focused. God knows how he'll negotiate working with her without contact- their problem. He says he can't sack her as her own marriage ended (apparently not her fault and not through infidelity and before this affair) and he was a support through this. I should say my husband confessed to almost getting too close to another woman through work 4 years ago but we talked and it brought us closer, or do so thought. I don't want to lose him. I'm insanely jealous he turned to another woman for companionship leading to a 8 month affair. We slept together recently at my instigation as I needed evidence he was 'back' in our marriage. We'll have counselling. Not sure I'll ever forgive him but I do think, as does he, that he was ridiculous to threaten our comfortable years of retirement ahead and family moments just for the concept I suspect of finding a soulmate in his 60s. I know it's me forcing him to cut her off - he's out of touch emotionally in many ways and thought he could keep seeing her through work but I've put a stop to that by issuing an ultimatum. I know I'm very controlling but he's always seemed to be happy with that and happy in his own sweet world providing for me. We're starting counselling and I'm confident he's not seeing the OW and has but her off harshly to make things clear and he's constantly holding my hand etc again and agreeing to lots of being together. Will he really fall back in love with me having confessed to falling out of love with me last Autumn or is this all surface manipulation of feelings and deep down he still wants her? I can't contemplate life without the structure and status of my marriage - we've been together since I was in my early 20s so he's pretty much all I've known in terms of relationships. I just wanted life to keep
pottering on and can still incredulous he'd threaten all we've built up for an 8 month romance.
I confronted her at work and told her how awful she was for sleeping with my husband. She explained later he instigated and it was mutually deep feelings that they had for each other but i can't believe my loving gentle husband would go this without encouragement from her.

Now I'm feeling strong because he's back and has rejected her but I wonder if we can really ever get back to the 'together forever' stable couple I thought we were? Anyone else experienced an affair after such a long marriage? Will we make it? Will he suddenly give in on his no contact with OW I've forced him into? At the moment he's doing all to convince me it's over including sleeping with me and is full of regret but is this true love for me or normal for a man trying to convince himself that a good-ish marriage he almost gave up on for an affair is the better choice for comfort and stability in his later years (he's 64) than starting again with someone he once thought of as a soulmate but now seems able to cut off.

It's undeniable men who cheat are despicable but again reasons are important if a marriage is to be continued. Personally I would never contemplate an affair or sex with a married man unless he was formally separated from his wife & this could be proved. Regardless of my feelings or the amount of persuasion involved I'd decline the offer which I believe all women should do in this circumstance.

You are both trauma bonding. This will not end well.

This.
I wouldn't want to be with a man who had an affair and only stopped because I threatened to kill myself.
Emotionally blackmailing him is not the solution.

There have been posters on other threads in the opposite situation to you- their partners threaten to commit suicide if the poster has broken off the relationship.
In 99.9% of replies if not 💯 the advice given was let him go and do it ( it was usually a man ) as it was probably an empty threat anyway.

In your case I don't believe it was an empty threat but honestly OP, you have a lot to live for.
You have adult children, a comfortable lifestyle and possibly grandchildren to come.
Your children no doubt love you.

Don't mess with their heads.

I'd let your husband go.

Yes, your dream of your future together is in smithereens.

But you can create a new future.

I've misunderstood??🤣

I have a feeling you posted because you wanted to hear something different than everyone is saying.
OW is not a problem your DH is and you have manipulated him into staying. I'm sorry about your situation.

You’re ’sure’ that OP has said all that?! She threatened suicide not once but twice, first time could be put down to feelings in the heat of the moment but not the second time. How on earth can you deduce that she wouldn’t contemplate carrying it out? Pretty generous assumption towards someone who openly admits to being controlling.

Sounds like you want to continue sticking the boot in and are unwilling to contemplate what despair can make people say and do in the moment. Let’s see what you feel and say if your hubby of 40 years ran off with ow. OP’s post proves it can happen to anyone.

@citylady62 Yes you can come back from this and make your marriage work. You were, to totally understate what happened, thrown a curveball in your life. What you have learned about his betrayal has disoriented and de-stabilized you.
All those on here giving you a hard time, especially with regard to you having contemplated suicide, clearly have no experience of having been through what you have been through. It is entirely normal to feel suicidal when you learn that you have been betrayed in such circumstances.
It will take some time but the best advice I can think of to give to you is that you must be true to yourself, focus on yourself, and appreciate all in life that is important to you and makes you happy. When you find yourself experiencing negative thoughts, wondering about what happened between them, etc., acknowledge these thoughts as valid, but tell yourself that these thoughts are no longer useful to you. Because, these thoughts, they're not useful to you at all. Over time, it will get easier for you. One day in the future you will surprise yourself when you realise you had not thought about OW for days.

Some angry and self-righteous people just come on MN to pick a fight over nonsense. It was a simple misunderstanding. You sound nuts. Get a grip, get a life.

Manipulated, or, striven to save her marriage?
One person's terrorist is another person's freedom fighter.

Well in this case it's entirely down to what he thinks that determines whether she's manipulated him or striven to save the marriage.

We don't know what he thinks. We do know that OP doesn't feel secure or reassured. Perhaps she should reassure him that if he decides to leave, she will not take her own life or similar, and in fact will let him go. Then she will know if he's truly staying of his own free will.

I've seen posts on here from people saying that sometimes you need to be prepared to end your marriage in order to have a chance of saving it.

Manipulated. Manipulated horribly with probably baseless suicide threats.

Hello OP
I can see you have lots of responses to this thread with lots of different viewpoints. I’m younger than you and so my experience of infidelity is both being a betrayed partner myself but also having a relative who was older than me who also reconciled after infidelity.

I believe your marriage can continue and can be happy but what is going on at the moment needs to stop because it is not true reconciliation from either side and it is not sustainable long term. It will end up driving you or your husband mad

You both need individual therapy and then couples therapy once you’ve both done some work on yourselves. Him for his infidelity, what is in him that leads to these actions. Also his own trauma from his wife threatening suicide. Whether you were serious or not that will have been scary for him. For you, trauma from discovery and your overall mental health. You may also do well to have a look at if you have a need for control and how this is shown to the people in your circle. Is it healthy? And if not, how do you form more healthy patterns and relationships with others.
Couples therapy doesn’t fix the individual it aims to fix the marriage and this is why it comes after

your individual therapy should also cover being secure in yourself so that if the marriage does end you are in a steady place to recover and move on.

in most cases I would say that the OW has to leave the company. Yours is a very complex situation as she could go nuclear and reputationally it could be very difficult. However you need to step away from this side of things as much because your anger at the OW is clouding over things

I am not sure what measures can be put in place to minimise the contact between your OH and the OW to help you feel better but I hope you can find some.

with time, professional help and boundaries you have a chance at fixing this but it needs to be done right.

There are some good people on Reddit, at the As One After Infidelity subpage. You may not get any different responses to here but what you will get is a pool of peers who are all reconciling after infidelity and they will tell you straight what needs to be done

best wishes OP.

There are so many passive-aggressive twats on MN. I wonder what they do in their spare time? Oh yeah, the above <creepy>.

We don't know what he thinks. We do know that OP doesn't feel secure or reassured. Perhaps she should reassure him that if he decides to leave, she will not take her own life or similar, and in fact will let him go. Then she will know if he's truly staying of his own free will

Very much this. No-one should need to threaten suicide more than once in order to get their partner of 40 years to stay in their marriage.

For the last 40-ish years you have concentrated all your efforts into being his wife, and your dc's mother. Your life has revolved around those roles, family life, the home and what you thought your joint retirement was going to be like. You were one half, and he was the other half.

So when he had the affair, which has threatened everything, you acted in an extreme way by attempting to take your own life. And I am truly sorry you were feeling so desperate.

The thing is though, over all these years, how much time and thought have you given yourself, not as a wife and mother, but for you, as an individual? You do have different interests, but at the core of it there I'm getting this feeling that you don't feel as though you are a whole person in your own right.

She didn’t attempt anything she just threatened it as a manipulation tool. Twice.

'However, people ARE allowed to end relationships and it is not ok that you emotionally blackmailed him with suicide. Why do you want to coerce someone into staying with you anyway??'

But he should have ended it before he strayed? Talking about being suicidal is not emotional blackmail. Honestly some of you need to read up a bit about mental health.

She didn’t talk about being suicidal she said she threatened suicide. Read the OP.

yes he should have ended it but he probably had some idea this would be how she would react.

Hi OP,

No one is refuting that your husband was wrong to have an affair and seek another relationship while still married to you. He made the choice to repeatedly betray your marriage. OW has not broken any vows to you.

You say he's chosen to be with you, but from your posts it sounds like the ultimatum you gave him (more than once) was "stay with me, have sex with me, spend all your time around me... Or I will kill myself". That doesn't sound like much of a free choice to me. But it does sound like an effective way to scare somone into staying and doing their best to play happy families.

As others have said, whether you consciously intended it as this or not, it is emotional manipulation /abusive behaviour. It sounds like you being in a position of dominance and control is one you've taken in your relationship to date, and as many PPs have pointed out, were the sexes reversed in this thread there'd be an uproar against the male for behaving in this way.

I'm not surprised you're questioning whether others have been in this position and managed to maintain a happy and healthy relationship. You're questioning it because it's not compatible. The only way you stand a chance of ever being confident that he's stayed with you out of choice (as opposed to out of submission or fear) will be to explicitly tell him- and mean it- that you will not kill yourself if he decides to end the marriage. That if he decides to stay then you will not be planning where he is and when, or insisting that he spends all his time with you.

I'd ask yourself is a "comfortable retirement" worth you constantly wondering whether what you have is genuine because of your ultimatums you gave him?

I can't imagine why the OP would think of saying that unless the potential thought of doing so had crossed her mind.

I'm also interested by your choice of words. You don't say in your OP "I felt so low about this that I thought about ending my life, and I told him this is how I was feeling". You chose to use the word "threatened". This is what makes me feel like you were using that potential for you to end your life as an intentional carrot to deliberately get him to stay. Not healthy.

It’s a classic abuser tactic. My exH did it all the time. Classic manipulation. And she did it twice in the context of eliciting a desired response.

He should.

But he didn't. That doesn't make it okay that she threatened to kill herself twice (that she's mentioned) and she acknowledges that she is being controlling.

Two wrongs don't make a right.

I totally agree. DPs wife threatened suicide a number of times and also made various attempts. The final one she jumped out of their 6th floor kitchen window while he was asleep.
Nobody should threaten to take their own life as a matter of control.