Has anyone married a narcissist MIL’s scapegoat son? What was the outcome?

[Ioftenwonder]

I’m being punished and ignored and have been for some time now. Sadly that means her son and granddaughter also. The ignoring and comments got progressively worse after he moved in and then again when our baby was born. She is super focused on the other brother and his family currently. Telling them how amazing they are etc whereas
not spoken to me and granddaughter for 6 weeks now. I had a thread about this and it appears he has a narc mum and he was the scapegoat. She interfered in all his previous relationships so much so he didn’t have one longer then a year before I came along. She would always tell him they weren’t the right women for him according to him. He was 31 when I met him.

How did this pan out for others who have been in this position? I’m a bit worried what the future holds.

Sorry but your mil ignoring/not talking to you is a win for you.

Your dh might feel differently but why do you even care?

The only reason I would care is if I thought Dh would be disinherited

@coldcallerbaiter he hasn’t stopped talking to her and she is saying things. Like I’m the reason she doesn’t see her granddaughter. Its not the case.

Well, yes, absolutely. These threads are mad: ‘My MIL is evil and narcissistic, and mistreats me, her son and our child! WAAH! why doesn’t she want to spend more time with us, go on holidays with us etc?’

It’s like that old (Woody Allen?) joke about two people complaining about a restaurant.

’Such bad food!’
’Yes, and such small portions!’

@OnionPond do you have any idea the damage these people do insidiously?

She is feeding other family members lies. Eg we don’t see granddaughter and it’s my doing. Despite the fact we live 10 mins away and they have come over 2 times in 2 years. We used to go but I’ve stopped because of her treatment of me.

My husband had enough and stopped speaking to her entirely. They've not spoken in a very long time.

I'm happy I don't have to deal with her again and even if dh did decide to speak to her again I wouldn't, not after everything she's said and done, and I certainly wouldn't allow ds anywhere near her.

@StrawberryWater what made your husband see what she was like? I’m worried my partner is just too embedded in it all.

Mil hissed at me dh's ex wanted his babies... Out of dh's earshot obviously... She retreated during my pregnancy. Snubbed our dc then told everyone we had moved away and taken her dgc away from her. 45 mins away.. Previously lived 6 mins away and she never visited..
Dh saw her for who she was and went nc. Sadly fil tootled off behind her.. Been over 9 years of sheer bliss.

@Beautifulbythebay what was the point in which he saw her for what she was? My MIL was completely vacant during my pregnancy, never asked anything. The only thing she said was that the miscarriage I suffered previously was for the best. When I unexpectedly got pregnant on my next cycle (massive surprise) her face hit the floor! She may have made a comment on social media but I’m starting to realise it’s just a tactic to look to others.

Detach, cut your losses, if there are any. Don't engage with her drama.
If she miraculously turns over a leaf, keep meetings short and in a public space, more likely to behave then.

2 things really. 1) His mental health was being eroded by her and he realised she was the cause and 2) I nearly left him. It gave him a kick up the backside and made him realise that his priority should be his wife and child, not some old mad crone.

(and for the record I never made him make a choice, he's still free to have a relationship with her if he decided to. I just won't ever be a part of that dysfunction again).

If you don't like this woman and her family, OP - which is not unreasonable - why on earth do you want to keep any contact with them? Just ignore, and get on with your life.

Of course I do. What I’m pointing out (and I think I remember your other thread) is that there’s a pattern in many such posts of (1) detailed descriptions of appalling behaviour from the person or people in question, and then (2) a lot of complaints about the unpleasant person not wanting to spend more time with the people they’re mistreating.

Unfortunately mine contributed significantly to the end of my marriage. She did something appalling and my exh basically didn't/couldn't stand up for me and my child. She gives him just enough crumbs to keep him in line, on top of years of crushing him and stunting him emotionally to keep him in place, using his siblings as the golden children.

In the end I couldn't set myself on fire to keep him warm, I couldn't respect him for being a grown man unable to challenge her shit behaviour even to protect his own child, and I could never back down or not tell her she's a dick, so it had to end.

My advice? Disconnect. She will shit talk you anyway, whether you hear about it or not, but put yourself first and disengage. Then it stops being anything to you, just far away meaningless background noise. Don't give her fuel. And your child is missing out on nothing, if you are in fact protecting them from growing up with this messed up person manipulating them and treating them as a second class citizen.

We went NC for a while. When FIL died MIL lost her flying monkey and things improved. DH was disinherited for a while (a tactic used in an unsuccessful attempt to prevent the marriage) but since been re-added to the will, which is more about manipulating his sister in my eyes. So we won’t be surprised if it’s reversed again. we have minimal, formal contact eg Birthdays , but DH’s older adult kids have no relationship with MIL (their grandmother) and are very vocal about wanting no contact. Their decision. Just protect your small family unit, go NC if it helps and shield your children from her . Attempt to reason won’t work.

@OnionPond yes sorry if that what it seemed. I’m trying to get my head around a really weird feeling. I thought it was me that I was a problem. I think I’ve come to realise that it’s not me. I’m just looking to see how other people have dealt with this situation. I can go no contact. Yeah it hurts but I’ve got good family and friends. I’m worried about what might happen because my partner can not see what’s happening, what is she going to do? She has already started twisting things.

She is creating a rift between me and the other DIL. She tells the other DIL something and she tells me then the mum denies it. There is definitely something going on. I wanted for us to get on so our kids could play with their cousins but she is poisoning us against each other.

start a family group chat with them all in and be really friendly and invite them frequently to things so there can be no lies and whispering about being ignored

@Ioftenwonder problem hubby!! why is he still contacting her and not supporting you?? I would be no contact with the lot of them and that means hubby too. his priorities are meant to be his family, not his extended family!!!

@PrimaDoner There was a group chat with his parents and brother and sister on that I removed myself from. Nothing I put on it was responded to. They just chatted between themselves and congratulated themselves so there was no point being on it.

@allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld Ive tried to retract quietly and without drama so as not to add fuel to their fire. I’ve tried not to say too much to him for fear of it getting twisted. It’s up to him the relationship he has with them.

He may never detatch. Can you live with that?

Will he do any reading on family dynamics? Would he go to couples therapy or do his own independent therapy (probably not).

Perhaps he would watch youtubes with you like Dr Rahmani’s stuff on narcissistic abuse?

I think that is the route I would take: tell him you want to watch these videos and get his opinion for a friend and then help him draw the parallels. Or if you have discussed the situation before in this language (Darling I think your mother is a malignant narcissist snd you are the scapegoat in the family dynamic) ” then just be honest:

“Darling I do not plan to live my life as the despised partner of the scapegoat son. It is me and the baby or her and sexless servitude to mummy for the rest of your life. Come with me if you want to live.”

@pikkumyy77 we are absolutely no way near any of that. This whole situation is non existent to him. His parents have put me down from the very beginning. They’ve put women down from the beginning of his life. Women cause drama, women are toxic. His father made jokes about me trapping him somehow when we met. It’s all normal to him. It’s taken me a few years to see what’s happening. It’s been a long thought out plan from his birth it seems to make him doubt women. Honestly if I brought it up so bluntly now I’m not sure how it would go. I think he’d think I was mad.

Can I live life like this…I’m not sure I can. It’s toxic and I don’t want a toxic life. I’ve had enough of that in my own childhood.

Well then you have some thinking to di. You picked up a bit of a pig’s from the discard bin—can you make a silk purse out of it?

At a certain point you have to realize your partner or dh is a volunteer, not a victim. If he can’t and won’t reject their toxic misogyny then that is what you have to live with for the rest if your life: dad’s little mini me.

My MIL was a very domineering woman. Not a malignant narcissist but a really controlling and difficult person. I am also a pretty dominant person, in my way, so I ended up essentially giving my lovely dh a secure home with a new owner, so to speak.

Move far away from her and then fill the void she leaves behind with family focused activities, praise, and affection. I would interfere more with their relationship and let her start to attack him. Only when he finds that being with you meets his needs while spending time with them is painful will he detach.