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Original poster

Has anyone married a narcissist MIL’s scapegoat son? What was the outcome?

119 replies

Ioftenwonder · 24/06/2024 10:11

I’m being punished and ignored and have been for some time now. Sadly that means her son and granddaughter also. The ignoring and comments got progressively worse after he moved in and then again when our baby was born. She is super focused on the other brother and his family currently. Telling them how amazing they are etc whereas
not spoken to me and granddaughter for 6 weeks now. I had a thread about this and it appears he has a narc mum and he was the scapegoat. She interfered in all his previous relationships so much so he didn’t have one longer then a year before I came along. She would always tell him they weren’t the right women for him according to him. He was 31 when I met him.

How did this pan out for others who have been in this position? I’m a bit worried what the future holds.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ioftenwonder · 24/06/2024 11:46

@pikkumyy77 Im most definitely not a push over. I will go so far but I’m not in this to try and please his mum for attention. I’ve come so far now and that’s it. He left when home when he was very young. She was clearly pissed and made him sleep on the sofa and cleared his room before he even got the keys.
I think she is malignant because of these things. Mums wouldn’t do that, they would be sad and happy for them not so that. That’s punishment to me.

Hmmmm play games with a narcissist….will that really end well?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ioftenwonder · 24/06/2024 11:47

I can’t really leave as my mum is here and on her own and needs help. I don’t think she’d want to leave the family home.

OP posts:
angstridden2 · 24/06/2024 11:50

‘Old mad crone’😒

octaurpus · 24/06/2024 11:59

Yes, I did. 14 years down the track, DH and I now live in my home country, and he is low contact (birthday and Christmas cards, emails and pics of DS every 6 weeks or so) with his DM. It was very hard going to get here. Perhaps the difference in my situation is that DH was aware of the toxic dynamic between them, and chose me over his mother from the very beginning of our relationship. After several big blow ups and periods of no contact with his DM, DH and I ended up in couples therapy for a year, working out how to articulate and maintain healthy boundaries with her, and working on boundaries generally.

DecoratingDiva · 26/06/2024 17:18

What do you actually want out of your relationship with her?

From what you say it sounds like she doesn’t want any relationship with you so why push for one? As long as your DH doesn’t believe her lies it’s ok.

Many kids don’t have relationships with their grandparents or cousins and it’s not intrinsically a problem so I’d say just stop trying to engage and who cares what other people you don’t really know think?

Beautifulbythebay · 26/06/2024 17:35

When dc was born she visited when we had said no visitors....
I was in a week and she never messaged me at all. She told dh she was glad dc was premature because now he could go on holiday with her and fil. She didn't understand why he said he wouldn't be going.. I had had a suspected heart attack and dc was 5 weeks early. She stopped contacting us. When we were getting married when ds was 10 months we hadn't seen her for 6 months. Dh told her actually she wasn't invited... After she had tried to change his order at the wedding hire shop...been over 9 years now.

Original poster
Ioftenwonder · 26/06/2024 18:12

Some MIL’s really seem to have a problem with control. It’s very black and white. It’s like a test, if the son doesn’t do as told then that’s it the women is some nasty controlling bitch (or other way round). I mean how dare they listen to the mother of their baby over the MIL. Such shit they aren’t possessions. If they
looked at it differently they’d see they have gained not lost.

OP posts:
Lisachooky · 26/06/2024 19:12

Saying your miscarriage you had was for the best is downright evil.keep away,your mental health is as important as your physical health.xx

MsCactus · 26/06/2024 19:36

My mum genuinely has a narcissistic mum (she has done horrific, damaging things) and you can't change someone like that. The only solution is for your DH and you to go no contact. Shell never change.

If your DH refuses then maybe suggest he tries for a couple of months and see how he feels? It'll be hard for him because she's his mum, but good for him/you if you go NC

ArthurTheBadger · 26/06/2024 19:56

As a scapegoat of a narc mother, it really takes time. You are brought up to believe that one thing is right. Guilt, habit and loyalty are sometimes hard to see through. I was fortunate that my mother sided with my ex during what should have been a no fault divorce. It took my new (now) wife to point stuff out, patiently. Ultimately, once I could see the scapegoating, and most of all how she was manipulating my children, it became fairly easy to make the break. When my mum died last year, I simply felt that I'd done all of my mourning years ago. Be patient. He needs help.

Original poster
Ioftenwonder · 26/06/2024 20:04

I wonder what has happened to make them like this?

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MsCactus · 26/06/2024 21:09

I do genuinely wonder if it's just genetic - my narcissistic grandmothers' dad was exactly the same. Very abusive to his wife. One of my parent's three siblings is like it - and one of their two children is like it. Must be some kind of genetic connection to personality disorders.

Everyone else in the wider family isn't.

I also do see everyone labelling people as "narcissistic" now though if they're a bit selfish. My grandmother has been selfish to the point of not giving someone medication so they've ended up seriously harmed, got happy when they get attention at a funeral of a close family member, countless plastic surgery. Very extreme behaviour. Most people nowadays seem to think mean/selfish but broadly normal = narcissistic. Which I don't quite agree with, personality disorders are usually quite extreme.

Original poster
Ioftenwonder · 26/06/2024 21:16

I know she disowned her dad after he re-married as her mum died young sadly. I think it was years before she spoke to him, kept her children from seeing him as babies and toddlers. The wife and the granddad are lovely. I get the feeling I’m being treated the same as I’ve taken her oldest boy. I think she has issues with attachment to things/people. She probably feeling some things and avoiding and blaming me.

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Gowlett · 26/06/2024 21:23

My FIL was like this… Now it’s the anniversary of his death, and most of his kids don’t want to attend. Or see each other. It’s sad…

Phoenixfire1988 · 27/06/2024 08:55

Ioftenwonder · 24/06/2024 10:26

She is feeding other family members lies. Eg we don’t see granddaughter and it’s my doing. Despite the fact we live 10 mins away and they have come over 2 times in 2 years. We used to go but I’ve stopped because of her treatment of me.

Well have you spoke to your dh about telling her to stop the lies? if he's a spineless pushover and let's her disrespect you then you're screwed this is your life now he will continue to sit back while she makes your life a misery chatting shit about you at every opportunity until you're completely ostracised . He needs to be blunt tell her some home truths and go nc for a while or you need to leave and let him be a mummy's boy alone

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 27/06/2024 08:57

OnionPond · 24/06/2024 10:23

Well, yes, absolutely. These threads are mad: ‘My MIL is evil and narcissistic, and mistreats me, her son and our child! WAAH! why doesn’t she want to spend more time with us, go on holidays with us etc?’

It’s like that old (Woody Allen?) joke about two people complaining about a restaurant.

’Such bad food!’
’Yes, and such small portions!’

Show quote history

😆

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 27/06/2024 08:59

Why would you care? Why would you want any of them in your life? Dh can do as he pleases but you and your child will only benefit from no contact.

Original poster
Ioftenwonder · 27/06/2024 09:11

Yeah I get it I don’t know why I wanted to go places or why I cared when they so clearly don’t like me. I suppose it’s because she isn’t like that with the other family, she can’t do enough for them. I got stuck on wondering what was wrong with us, had I offended her somehow. It’s felt so polor opposite and I can’t see a reason why. Other then what I’ve been told in that this dysfunction what not about me. It makes sense now. And no I no longer want to holiday with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ioftenwonder · 27/06/2024 09:13

I’ve not really come up against this type of behaviour before.

OP posts:
Meetingofminds · 27/06/2024 09:18

Your dh needs to go into therapy and evaluate his relationship with his parents.

You need to give up the idea of a relationship with her and that side of the family. It will be toxic and poisonous.

Keep your children well away from all of them. Stop pretending and playing along.

Describe your observations and the manipulation in a very factual, non emotive way to your dh so he can see it.

Explain clearly to dh that at some point he will need to go very low contact to break free - that it’s already cost him every relationship he has ever had. Have these conversations now and not when you the issues arise.

Build a loving network away from his family.

Fraaahnces · 27/06/2024 09:21

Far, far better to be ignored than have her in your face constantly.

Original poster
Ioftenwonder · 27/06/2024 09:22

I’m not even sure my dh was the scapegoat. I think he was the favoured child and she had a lot of control over him. I think she is pissed at me. I’m not sure she would be so pissed if he was the scapegoat. His brother was not so controlled as a young adult as my partner. It’s like she has switched and the other son is loving the attention finally.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ioftenwonder · 27/06/2024 09:24

I do think she has damaged both her children though treating them as possessions.

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Aozora13 · 27/06/2024 09:29

My MIL was an awful, awful woman. The main thing I learned is that you’re never going to win. You could be an actual saint but it won’t change anything. My MIL (and similarly narcissistic BIL) operate their own logic, their own rules and don’t really hold much truck with reality. So I just accepted that she’d bad mouth me, say I was keeping her grandkids for her, that I was a gold digger taking her son away from her and I quietly cut all contact. The non-awful, non-flying monkey elements of DH family get it and we have a good relationship. DH wasn’t able to cut contact himself but the issue resolved when she died. She was still bullying him even on her deathbed. I really think the best way to deal with this type of person is to completely disengage.

sandyhappypeople · 27/06/2024 09:39

Surely this is a DH problem? If he won’t take your child round there to see them, and you’ve cut contact of course you are to blame in their eyes, if your DH is a spineless mummy’s boy he’ll let you take the fall rather then put them straight about the reality.

she has no motivation to change while she can blame you for everything and bad mouth you to everyone and get away with it.

you can’t really win here, I think leaving the group was a bad idea personally, you should have just kept in and kept quiet on it, now it looks like you’ve flounced off and because you’re DH is useless he’s letting you take the blame for everything, if he won’t cut contact or back you up you’re going to have years of this bullshit.

congratulations you are now the scapegoat.. everyone else will be basking in her acceptance of them because you’ve volunteered for the role.

why wouldn’t you be able to keep a relationship with the other DIL separate from MIL?