Has anyone married a narcissist MIL’s scapegoat son? What was the outcome?

[Ioftenwonder]

I’m being punished and ignored and have been for some time now. Sadly that means her son and granddaughter also. The ignoring and comments got progressively worse after he moved in and then again when our baby was born. She is super focused on the other brother and his family currently. Telling them how amazing they are etc whereas
not spoken to me and granddaughter for 6 weeks now. I had a thread about this and it appears he has a narc mum and he was the scapegoat. She interfered in all his previous relationships so much so he didn’t have one longer then a year before I came along. She would always tell him they weren’t the right women for him according to him. He was 31 when I met him.

How did this pan out for others who have been in this position? I’m a bit worried what the future holds.

Look at the drama triangle. The only safe place is on the outside.

If your partner is unable to see his mum for what she is then every time he gives the latest update from his family you need to calmly, politely, shut down the conversation. Same for SIL - change the subject away from whatever your MIL is meddling with. Your husband will learn you aren't up for family drama and you won't feel so frustrated and stuck.

I don’t completely understand any of it. I just know I can’t be bothered with it. I don’t want favour or a special relationship, just a normal relationship based on liking who we are and wanting to be part of a family. Whatever she wants me to do I can’t be bothered, I’m too busy raising children how I want too.

I was gonna tell you to run. But you’re already married with a baby.

i just called my husband out on being treated like shit by his family. I got in trouble.

so I don’t put effort in with his family. But they are always hanging there and it’s like a threat when a visit is mentioned.

he doesn’t understand tears as anything other than manipulation. Doesn’t matter the level of hurt.

as for bambino. My family is great, so we just remind him this is how families should act. It’s hard. Good luck.

My husband and I have survived the narcissistic mother he had. She died several years ago and it was a relief
She refused to visit us ever.
Would never speak to me if I answered the phone, not even to say she wanted him just silent. I reported dodgy calls to the police then worked out what was happening.
Initially refused to attend our wedding, only went when her friend told her off about not going ( she expected support from friend as we were doing such an awful thing)
Attended wedding with a plan to stop it happening.
Didn't acknowledge birth of our daughter for 3 months. Never acknowledged our son, did say that kids are a waste of time and money.
No birthday card or Christmas card for either child ever
Accused me of being a gold digger, at the time I was the higher earner.
All the time praising his brother and his girlfriend (through choice they never married or had kids)
All of this and much more caused my husband to have a breakdown, he got through it reduced contact but on advice of his therapist had weekly phone calls so he wouldn't feel guilty when she died.
Now we have a happy marriage ( not perfect but who is) great kids and a peaceful life but god it was hard to get here

@NoThanksymm honestly if not for baby I think I may have run off. The house is mine so issues there. I’m still not sure I want to be part of this really. I’m not sure how I can be around her and not just think you crazy arse bitch really.

Can someone tell me why the MIL need this set up? Is it to make sure that she always has someone around? Is it because she uses them to hide the fact that inside she doesn’t feel much? Why pick the other brother and family?

You have a decision to make. I have a similar in-law dynamic even down to the sister in laws starting to not like me. 8 years down the track my husband cut off all contact with his mother and his sisters are now going through the same process.

As another lady said, it’s your husband that makes the choice. Either he has another relationship fail and accept that he and his family are the common theme there or he makes a different decision. My mother in law said our unborn child wasn’t wanted and that she’d never love it because I’m ugly and no doubt the baby would be ugly. That was his last straw.

but ultimately he has to either protect his relationship or he doesn’t. My husband protected ours. I’ve always said he is more than welcome to re establish contact whenever he likes but myself and our children won’t be apart of that. He agrees with that as he now recognises the trauma he has suffered as a result of his mother.

But at the end of the day you can’t force him to make that call he has to do it for him. The only thing in your control is if you can see this being your life forever or not. I couldn’t and made it clear that if things didn’t change with how I was treated then I wouldn’t be sticking around.

Well at least one thing I’ve learnt is to not ask for any support because she will/they will never give it. I thought it was because she just didn’t like me or thought me a problem but now I now they don’t even see me as a person anyway. Nothing like being avoided when you ask for or need some help. I can only imagine what her own child went through if they needed help.

Ultimately you don't need to know why. You don't need to understand her.

You didn't create this.
It's not your fault.
And you can't fix it.

You need to accept that, really deeply.

Then go grey rock if you interact. Stay outside the drama. Being ignored is far far better than being a participant.

Then at some point when you are strong, look at what do you want for your daughter? What will you do for her - because she could be used against you.
Also what about you OH? How do you really feel about him? Can he break free? Can he recover? Will he seek help?

It all depends on his approach to and relationship with her and how that impacts on you. If he puts you first, you can be fine with your own little family and thank god her attention is focused on the others. If her behaviour negatively affects the way he treats you though, that spells trouble.

Is it to make sure that she always has someone around? Is it because she uses them to hide the fact that inside she doesn’t feel much?

both are probably correct assessments.

We cut them out of our lives and its been the best thing we did.
Family doesn't mean you should tolerate toxic behaviour.

Remember you did not cause this situation. You cannot change this woman - only your response to her.

Go very low contact - if you do see her interact in a very superficial level. Keep answers brief. Busy yourself with the child if you ever get back in contact.

Don’t blame yourself for the way they view you - you could be any woman and she’d get the same treatment

Protect your mental health at all costs.

Don’t let it destroy your relationship- allow him to go there and be with them, allow him to take your child. If you do not allow him to take the child then this will likely cause a high level of conflict and then I would probably say your relationship is going to face severe hardship as it’s likely they are asking him to take the child. He will cave eventually and start arguing h about it with you.

Good luck

Inevitably. OH is owned and controlled by his mother and it has severely negatively affected our lives (his much more). He doesn’t know what to do with himself unless MIL tells him. Has been same for decades and worse, now her advanced age is seen as a reason for the codependent enmeshment which was there all the time. Should have left them to it years ago.

I think the worse thing I find about my partner is that if he can’t understand something he just completely avoids it. I’m guessing this is learned from his parents. It doesn’t exist if I don’t acknowledge it.

My MIL wrote something inappropriate on my DD’s SM yesterday. She is furious. She has struggled with ED and is finally looking and feeling bloody fabulous. She spoke to my husband who can only see this toxic witch with such rosy coloured glasses that he tilts his head to the side and changes his entire tone of voice to borderline baby talk. IT’S NAUSEATING!!! He minimized what she wrote and said that she didn’t mean anything by it, so she was not to say anything. (I haven’t spoken to the bitch for eight years since she called my then 12 y/o eldest DD a slut for buying eyeshadow. I do not trust that I would be in control… Lovely SIL is getting a phonecall tomorrow.)

@Fraaahnces that’s disgusting and very dangerous behaviour. That’s exactly how I feel she has treated me, minimised me to feel insignificant, stupid people.

It’s the reason that’s got me wondering. Does she minimise to get power of for malicious reasons or because she doesn’t know how to respond, perhaps some ND and developed this awful coping strategy. I would give her more of my understanding if it wasn’t malicious. Wouldn’t change how I felt about myself, the way I feel is as valid and the consequences pretty much the same.

Estranged from them all. It's peaceful over here.

Well now I am pissed as partner just said I have a complex and it’s in my head. I’ve done nothing other than said I was too busy to visit them this weekend but he’s free obviously to go. I don’t want to sit and be ignored I’ve got many other things I need to do.

I would suggest you take time to think very hard about your relationship.

I am pretty much in the same boat, since we have moved in together and had a baby her behaviour and controlling ways have gotten even worse. I don't understand it at all! I've tried to explain it to my other half and he just doesn't get it. Scary, it's like she had brain washed her son and the rest of her family, as she does this strange screech voice when she doesn't get her own way. One time we invited all his family round for dinner, and I was just leaving the room and she did the screeching voice 'she doesn't like us' to all his family. How rude when I had just sorted dinner out for all off them. I know it's cos I don't let her have any control over me as I think it's ridiculous that she has control over the rest of the family. I have zero respect or time for her abd the whole family to be honest.

@gotmychristmasmiracle I have little time for this also. I’ve got so much going on in my own life to worry about which part I need to play in her theatre she has going on. She no doubt knows this and that’s why I’m ignored, I’m no use to her so why put time into me. She puts a lot of attention into the other family as they are of use to her. I will never be controlled by another person and submit in order to get attention.

Well she keeps saying she is going to die soon 🙄 I do wonder how my other half is going to be when she dies, will he feel like a weight has been lifted, will he feel depressed and no longer know what to do as she's not here to tell him. Honestly I never want to do this to my child, she needs to function as an independent adult. I can see sometimes when he talks to her he is trying to control her like she does, the whole shaming card. I have told him to stop it as she will have no confidence if he does it too much. Hoping one day he realises this over controlling and manipulative behaviour of children is not normal.

Yes the drama, every time I speak to her some one has upset her, family member or neighbour. She is awful about her husband, yet she's brainwashed him to adore her. And she just spends the whole time bitching about family/neighbours and then is nice to their face next time she sees them. I find it hard to watch. Other half tends to indulge her and joins in with the bitching sometimes 🫠