Has anyone married a narcissist MIL’s scapegoat son? What was the outcome?

[Ioftenwonder]

I’m being punished and ignored and have been for some time now. Sadly that means her son and granddaughter also. The ignoring and comments got progressively worse after he moved in and then again when our baby was born. She is super focused on the other brother and his family currently. Telling them how amazing they are etc whereas
not spoken to me and granddaughter for 6 weeks now. I had a thread about this and it appears he has a narc mum and he was the scapegoat. She interfered in all his previous relationships so much so he didn’t have one longer then a year before I came along. She would always tell him they weren’t the right women for him according to him. He was 31 when I met him.

How did this pan out for others who have been in this position? I’m a bit worried what the future holds.

It’s a weird feeling being in the same room knowing that you know they have issues and knowing they hate you. I can’t say it’s nice. At least I know now not to bother and worry whether I’ve done something wrong as I know that literally being alive is the problem.

I think the problem is they have high expectations of everyone and if they are not meeting their expectation they start getting more controlling and can't cope. The problem is they do not communicate the expectation or if it is discussed they expect you to agree not challenge them or say no. Would imagine your mil has 2 sons, my other half lived with his parents until he was 30, she did everything for him, even when he left she still continued to do his washing, gives me the ick now I think about it!

I’m not sure they have high expectations. I think they need everyone to see how important they are and if you don’t reflect how they want to be seen then they don’t need you.

I think you may have cracked it OP!

Have you been round to see her since?

Divorce - and thankfully I haven’t had to engage with the old bay since.

@sandyhappypeople no not with MiL but with other members. Also I just feel odd around my partner. He is just so oblivious. The sister in law has been banging on on social media about getting rid of toxic people…I’m pretty sure they talking about me. I don’t care really, I know there is a smear campaign now about me.

At least it’s only your in laws in my case it’s my family I’ve had 45 years of being ignored ( since I was about 8) I no longer care it’s a lot easier when you realise they are not worth thinking about

Try not to feel odd around your partner, it's not always a choice they make, it's literally been conditioned into him from the second he was born, his previously relationships have all failed, and he's been led to believe it's everyone else that's the problem, not him and certainly not her... you won't make him change his mind, he has to come to his own realisation in his own time.

It's harder when you're on the outside, and you can get paranoid that they are all talking about you or saying things with you in mind, it may be the case, it may not be, it may be for her benefit, either way it's not worthy of your time or headspace.

With regards to a smear campaign, I'd get back in there and straighten it out a little from the inside, you don't have to play by their rules, now you know the truth you can have a little fun with it, as it stands MIL will secretly love that she's chased you off and drove a wedge between you and DH and she'll be stoking that fire every chance she gets.. now that you're not there she can blame you for everything as well! win win for her, and DH continues to be brainwashed. Time to roll your sleeves up and get back in the fight I say!

Is SIL the other DIL or is that someone else?

@sandyhappypeople SIL is the brothers partner. The mum and dad worship them, they can do no wrong. The DIL’s life and that family mirrors her mother in law down to the same clothes, hobbies, family pet. They are hers and there is no getting in there. She has been in the family since 15 and was pregnant at 17, she is too much a part of it. She is becoming very like the mum, low self esteem but always putting others down. They aren’t nice to be around.

They are racist and sexist and genderist and any other kind of ist you can’t think of. Sitting in a conversation with this inner family is just awful. I could start a fight at every occasion because I don’t like how they talk.

Is your DH like that then too? How does he cope with it?

@sandyhappypeople not with me or in our life. When in their company he tends to sit on his phone an awful lot, he isn’t part of those conversations. The way they talk they think they are absolutely perfect. God forbid you have ever made a mistake in your life because they have never ever ever done anything wrong. All these imperfect people everywhere. Even me, but I’ve no issues being imperfect as we all are. How can we grow and improve without making any mistakes.

Yes, I think you're right, I was being too kind...

Since doing some reading on narcissists it was madness thinking I could change anything, especially myself trying to fit in. It never felt very good being around these people, I’m glad I’ve backed off now. They aren’t worth me and my children. No way in hell will I or they be used a supply for narcissists. I don’t need acceptance enough I’ll sell my soul for it.

It’s funny how your gut just feels these things, it knows when something is just off.

@Ioftenwonder👌
You have to pity anyone raised with this family dynamic. 😔

@HysteriaOfTheWanderingWomb my mum is not so great emotionally. I think it’s why I probably sought some from my MIL. It must be awful stuck in this trap of having to earn love and thinking you have to be perfect, never cause waves. The other bro and gf though are starting to think they are perfect and look down on everyone. They won’t let their kids have friends because they always find something wrong with them. I feel for the kids but they will and have started to speak like parents and grandparents.

The best thing you can do with people like this is just get on with life and not give them a second thought. Remain bright and breezy with your partner so he has nothing to 'report'. Cos as much as you think he is unaware, he isn't. He will, at the very least try to please her subconsciously and if this means running you down when you aren't there, he probably will. Without a second thought. They will ramp it up (as you have already noticed) once they realise your aren't playing their game and they will use him to do so.

So funny, I am away this weekend so other half is taking daughter to MILs and a day out with her . I suggested one place to other half and mil agreed and mil asks him where he got that idea from and now she has decided she is going to look for somewhere else to visit even though DD would love to go to my suggested place. 🙄 everytime!!

@Iaskedyouthrice I’ve no doubt that he won’t stand up for me, she’s in there deep. I know they’ve used terms such as dramatic, complex and too sensitive about me to him. They use that term about women full stop. I don’t know whose levels they go by and the funny thing she is so controlling yet she will point out if you do anything remotely the same. The more I talk about it the more I just dislike them all.