DH voicing his frustrations at me - is this right or wrong

[Tina6458]

We have had a really difficult year. Once again I feel like I am being gaslighted and manipulated and made to feel like a crazy person. I feel like we are at the end. He has spoken to his friends about this and feel that ‘ I have overreacted!’ . DH has been out of work for a year now. We are financially ok luckily because he had a big pay out and we are ok for a bit. I work 3 days a week as a doctor, work as a clinical lead and we’ve had major changes at work recently which I am leading on. I have also been studying and doing a course on one of my days off and Mondays I usually spend with my 3 year old DS - take him swimming etc.

He has been doing drop offs for school for both DS , 3 and 5, about half of the time and only recently most of the due to my hectic schedule. We have a nanny Tuesday - Friday who does after school, who picks up the little one and has been quite good at preparing food recently.

I cook most dinners.

so , on the Thursday , I had physiotherapy appnt early morning bc I had painful knees, rushed to work , worked non stop til 2ish , left work and then rushed home to get the shopping in from Ocado, I took it all in and put all fridge items away, I wanted to make some eggs quickly bc I was starving and then had a laser appnt at 3, so really tight for time. Maybe in hindsight I shouldn’t have had lunch. I usually feel faint if I don’t eat on time.

Meanwhile he had dropped kids that morning , gone to meet a friend for lunch in Covent Garden and then gone shopping and bought some sunglasses. He walked through the door about 9 mins after me and I asked him if he would drop me to the station because I was running late ( he puts his hands on his hips and looks at the ceiling and sighs ) . I then say’ please please please’ to which he says ok.

Next thing he says is ‘ could you not have put the shopping away for once !!’ I then said , but I have put loads away , I think half , I’ve put all the fridge stuff away’ . He goes into the hallway to pick up bags and says to me ‘ no you didn’t !’ ‘I’m always putting the shopping away!!!’

He looks so pissed off , so I said ‘ forget it don’t drop me to the station !’ To which he says - stop being ridiculous .

I got in the car to drive us, whilst in the car I said ‘ what shall I do , should I change the delivery time to another day where you never have to see it ?! ‘ I said ‘ why don’t you do the shop and then you can decide when it comes?! ‘ Anyway he got so angry that he started to repeatedly bang on the dashboard as if he wanted to break it and it looked like his face was going to explode. I got out of the car and I ran to the bus.

I got home that evening , he stayed in the loft and then got Deliveroo and ignored me. Next day same silent treatment. When I asked him if he was ignoring me he said ‘ when you apologise to me ?!’

Next day he only said he was sorry for his reaction in the car BUT he should be able to voice his frustrations without me turning it into a massive argument!

What is your view? Apparently he has spoken to his friends and I am in the wrong?! I feel like I’m going crazy 😭

OP next time he claims that he should be allowed to voice his frustration, ask him if you can go first:
He's not working
He's not pulling his weight with the kids
He's not cooking etc
Having him in the house makes life easier for you in what way?
Please don't say he's good with the kids, he's not. You're either paying someone to do the jobs an unemployed father should do or doing them yourself.

It has escalated. I am shaking like a leaf and I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. We had an argument yesterday because we
had to get somewhere before I was picking up the kids from school. I was asking to help with getting out the house to which he totally flipped again. Anyway fast forward we are in a taxi - and he starts saying some awful things bc I said I wanted him to leave the house .

He said if he left the house he would slit his throat.

I then started to record him ( I thought discretely ) . Next thing I know he hit me so hard with the edge of his Iphone , part of my hand immediately blew up and the skin broke and I screamed. The taxi driver then said ‘ I don’t want any of this in my cab , I’m just working !’ I said I wanted to call the police. To which he said ‘ you were fucking recording me. That’s illegal. Then I kept saying ‘ you hit me ‘ and he denied and said he was ‘ trying to get my phone ‘
i said I wanted to him to leave the house and he refused and said he would go home and pack my stuff . I ended up calling the police. They came but I didn’t give a statement . They arrested him and then released with out charge.

I’m shaking constantly.

Go back to the police and make a statement and then try to get an order to keep him away from you and the home.

Why on earth didn't you give a statement OP? Doing this just makes you your own worst enemy, and he's likely to behave like this again, because he knows that you won't report it. Call the police and tell them you've changed your mind, and ask for their help in getting him out of the house once and for all.

I don’t know , he was screaming at me before they came that I had ruined his life. That he will get a record and he’d never get a job. Etc so I got scared because I don’t want him to get convicted.

His family I thought would support me but they haven’t even bothered to check on me. I briefly told them mum what happened and about how he is rude and disrespectful to me. Next thing I know is I get the sister telling me not to involve the mum and that I need to keep these things to my self and how he was only trying to get my phone !

Op, if you don't advocate for yourself, no one else will. You have to get him away from you permanently, and the only one ruining his life is him.

The violence will only escalate from here @Tina6458 , please don’t allow him to get away with this or he will think he can do whatever the hell he likes and he can emotionally blackmail you into accepting it and not reporting it.

Don’t want a police record and to lose your job - it’s simple, don’t abuse your wife! Any consequences that come his way are his responsibility and due to his own behaviour. And frankly deserved. Do not let him victim blame you.

Please go straight back to the police and say you have changed your mind. He was manipulating you into not taking it further.

OP you need some support in real life separate to him and his family and separate to online.

He will always try to ‘outsmart’ or manipulate you.
if he threatens to slit his throat then he needs to consider if he’d like to seek mental health support
that is for him to access, not you. It’s highly unlikely/improbable that he’s suddenly developed a severe mental illness meaning he can’t control his actions.

i promise you this is a tactic that abusers regularly use- he’s not special or original.
if you have immediate concern for his safety the most you should do is ask the police to do a welfare check. The children will picking up
on all this tension.

you can’t wait for him to ‘realise’ or admit is abusing you. He knows already he doesn’t care he’s too selfish. His mother and co will ‘side’ with him. To continue to wait just prolongs the situation.

stay strong and I reiterate, seek some real life support x

Is he a police officer? if so you may have felt a lot of social pressure not to make ghat statement.

if he is not a police officer call them back and make that statement. Call for helo. Try to get him out safely even if you have to pretend its only a temporary separation to save face.

Dont ever expect support from his family. They eill not help you get away.

He’s not in the house , he’s at his mums house . So I am away from him.

What’s your exit strategy? Can you pack his stuff up and get it to his mum’s?

Love. You’re in shock and I know you don’t want to make the situation worse but with all of my heart I wish I had pressed charges when I was in your position, it cost us so much that I didn’t. I was unable to shield our child because there was no evidence of DV and he just switched to emotional abuse which was worse. Make that statement, tell them how you feel, tell them you don’t want to make things worse or ruin his life if it makes it feel more manageable to tell them what happened.

You poor thing, this is awful Have you got family you can stay with or anyone you can bring to stay at yours? Don't risk being alone. His family will go on his side at least for now, so don't expect anything from them

@Tina6458 You and the children need to leave him now. He will twist it in his head that he never hit you - he is not sorry for what he did or how he treated you.
Once someone treats you with disrespect and disdain its over .....

You need to make a statement... You need evidence to keep him away.

He is also not above making threats to harm himself in order to punish you some more.

Do not rely on his family to support you, they will back him to the hilt out of loyalty.

Please make a further statement to the police, it will help form part of a paper trail when it comes to you divorcing this man, yours and in turn his children’s abuser. You also need legal advice from a solicitor as well as Women’s Aid, do contact then too.

Go back to the police and make a statement. The taxi driver is an independent witness.

Contact Women's Aid and see if they have a local group who can advise and support you, contact them today.

Lock and bolt your doors tonight. Seek a non mol(?) tomorrow. You will need the police statement for that but both will help keep you safe.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

He said if he left the house he would slit his throat.
You really do need to inform the police of this even if you don't make a statement about your assault.

The most important thing is that he is out of the house. Arrange for his things to be delivered to his mums for now. If they start chatting shit about his rights, ask them, how will he afford the house? Ask them, how will he afford the nanny seeing as though he is both unwilling and unable to look after his children?
He NEEDS to stay gone OP. If he threatens suicide ring the police to do a welfare check. Every single time.
Time to get smart, he has more time on his hands than you, he could already be two steps ahead. Get a solicitor ASAP.

Edited to add, have just seen a pp advice and echoing it...contact Womens Aid now and see if you can get an order in place to keep him away.

Take photos of your injuries and try to track the cabbie down to corroborate your story. That way at least you have the option of pressing charges if you need to.

What a nasty piece of shit.

I‘m so sorry you’re having to go through this. There is some good advice on here. Photograph your injury. Report the incident to the Police. I would seek a domestic abuse counsellor through your GP as well. Don’t bother with his family. They won’t back you. You don’t need them. Try to stay calm. You’re in shock right now. You obviously have some work to do but it will be worth it and you will be free of this freeloading abusive cocksucker!

The cabbie was asshole , he just kept telling the police ‘ I didn’t see anything , I’m just doing my job!!! ‘ otherwise they would have had the evidence they needed.

I don’t understand this. You expect a complete stranger to stick out their neck for and put their name under a statement for you, and risk possibly being called to testify in court, but you won’t even make a statement yourself?

I ended up calling the police. They came but I didn’t give a statement . They arrested him and then released with out charge.

THIS is partly why some people are reluctant to get involved in these kind of abusive incidents because they feel they may be involving themselves into something the victim doesn’t even follow through with.

And you shouldn’t have bothered saying to his mum/family, they have no loyalty to you. What’s the point anyway?

You’re really not helping yourself. Instead of going around trying to get his family updated or on your side or whatever you need to start making plans to leave immediately instead of relying on random strangers and your partners family to take up for you.

You seem to have adopted a role of helplessness. It’s time you act in your own interests and look out for yourself.

@Sweetenuf yes you are right , I guess part of me has always kept hoping that he would realise , and that if his family knew that they would try and make him see sense. They’re all awful.

The cabbie - yes you’re right , he doesn’t want to get involved and go to court.

This is an important wake up call for you: you are going to need to be very brave and free yourself and your children. This man is untenable as a husband and father. He is a danger to you and no one will control him for you.