To be upset by what my husband said/did

[staringatstars]

Husband just made a gesture to me about me being fat/pregnant. I'm 25 weeks pregnant, don't like looking the way I do right now, keeping up with running and fitness as much as I can with a toddler, intense job, and being pregnant. I had an eating disorder years ago, which doesn't really leave you. I'm in tears. He has apologised for making me upset. Not for what he said, but for making me upset. I just can't do this. I want to throw myself down some stairs and not be pregnant anymore.

Sorry, I think you are being oversensitive due to your previous ED. My husband used to sing Mika big girls whenever he saw me... I also had ED but he was making light of my anxietys about weight gain. I think you need to appreciate yourself more and be proud of what your body is achieving.

This OP.
With kindness, please seek help for your mental health issues.
You're pregnant. Your body is changing. You have issues with accepting that. Asking your husband about sprint speed, water fighting with children.

I don't mean to sound dismissive, of course you will be sensitive having had an ED. But unlike others who have to retch, gag and be bedbound throughout their entire pregnancy. You're healthy enough to do all this running and intense job. You're so lucky, and soon you'll have a beautiful baby.

Yes. My views exactly. I can’t quite believe what I’ve read. He’s commenting on how fast you’re running when you’re 25 weeks pregnant????

Please get some support - clearly not from him. if my DS behaved like this towards his DP I’d go ballistic at him.

Oh FFS what an absolute nob. I’m similarly pregnant and I expect a ton slower than you and everyone made a big fuss of me doing the mum race at sports day and I felt embarrassingly pleased with myself. The fact you are even joining in and running around with the little ones is a massive achievement. Pregnancy really takes it out of you!

I’m so sorry to say this but this doesn’t actually sound unkind from what you have typed - could you be reading into it because you have these pre existing issues?

You said you didn’t expect to be fast. You are pregnant and it was HOT. But you asked him directly if you looked slow and he said you didn’t look fast - but you then say you didn’t expect to be fast and were just glad to run. So why ask if he thought you were slow? It feels like one where he can’t win whatever the answer.

The gesture is one I would make if I was gesturing someone close to me’s pregnancy and not something I would have found offensive as a pregnant woman….

It sounds more that he was saying it doesn’t matter if you were slower, your body shape has changed so you would be. But because you’ve got historic issues about weight, it’s hit a huge nerve.

Nothing your explanation quoted above says or suggests you are fat.

Your comment about throwing yourself down the stairs to no longer be pregnant as a result of feeling fat is very concerning though. Even if he did call you fat, it’s something you should want to do to him as a response maybe - but not think about harming your baby to be ‘thin’ again. With kindness, I really think you need some help and support with this.

OK yeah your being overly sensitive.... are you competitive? He's was clearly today trying to say of course you didn't win your pregnant and wasn't trying to imply your fat.

You need to go to your GP because to me it seems your eating disorder is flaring up. Your only going to be pregnant for 10 months, after that you can get back to full capacity fitness.

Next don't ask him questions and then get upset when he answers. I know you wanted him to say you ran fast but he didn't even say you were slow just that you were not fast. I know you were looking for reassurance that your not losing your speed but it's not helping. Seeking reassurance is a symptom of OCD. I feel like you have some OCD regarding your weight and fitness. Excersizing kept it at bay before you were pregnant but now your spiralling.

You need some help with it. If you haven't already look up OCD and see if you are having the symptoms regarding your weight and doing rituals ie Excersize to try and keep them at bay.

I've found with OCD once you know what it is, you can manage it alot better.

He didn't. He made a gesture to show she is pregnant.

Which she is.

It's OPs ED mind (and possibly yours) that has interpreted someone making a gesture of a pregnant belly to someone who is indeed pregnant and a week or so from their THIRD trimester, to mean he was 'mocking her imitating a fat person running'.

Ok - I’ve now read the whole thread and can see it’s not quite what first appeared.

OP, you need help as this level of concern about your fitness and appearance is not healthy.

exactly, just put a plastic sheet down first. I know some guys that are good with patios and very discreet

He's going to be such an awful person when the baby arrives. I'm sorry OP but prepare yourself now for things getting a lot worse and consider that you may end up leaving him once baby arrives. Think about the baby and your health. It's your responsibility to eat right and look after your health for your baby's sake. That's the number one thing. How you look or how he thinks you look are utterly irrelevant. That baby depends entirely upon you for its health, development and wellbeing right now. Do not allow him to control your stress levels, fitness or food intake. Baby deserves better. He sounds like a prize twat.

Mate, your husband sounds like a complete wanker. I mean, I banter with my husband and friends/colleagues and I'm the least sensitive person you'll ever find but I'd have told your husband to get to fuck. He's an arsehole and I don't care what he might be like usually or if he sticks a broom up his arse while he does everything else. He's a wanker.

Or possibly you are giving him too much credit and he was indeed mocking her general size. Look even if he was referring to her size & slowness because of pregnancy that was a pretty insensitive thing to do to his partner of many years who he knows has an eating disorder history and is clearly pretty hung up on her weight

What the fuck are people reading?

He hasn’t even suggested control her fitness or food intake. He hasn’t even suggested Op looks anything other than pregnant.

I know - showing a pregnant women that they are pregnant is soo evil isn’t it…

and the bit where he responded honestly to her question about how fast she ran - such a disgrace isn’t it…

Read the thread. She asked him to comment on her running.....

Can't believe all the people having a go at the husband which completely undermines the fact the OP has serious mental health issues around her body weight and running ability. It's not helpful.

If you are pregnant then why would you be upset that you look pregnant? I have never understood this.

This OP has mental health problems regarding her weight.... of course she's going to take it that he's calling her fat, she probably spends 90% of her day fighting off thoughts that she's over weight. She's struggling so much with the way she looks right now that she's taken his comment the wrong way and it's plunged her deeper into crisis. She needs support straight away not people telling her to leave her partner, who so far has only answered her desperate questions looking for reassurance the wrong way. He clearly doesn't understand how unwell she is atm, she needs to tell him.

Wtf?

Where did you get any idea he'd be a bad dad or is controlling her diet?

He answered a DIRECT question about speed from OP

This is your eating disorder rearing its ugly head again, OP - if you were mentally well, you wouldn’t be so utterly obsessed with your body, with running, with asking your dh how fast you look, with commenting about not being able to keep up with small children, with analysing the video of you running, with equating a gesture to indicate you are pregnant with you being called fat. He should, after 15 years and a previous pregnancy with you, have been more sensitive to your paranoia, but I can’t help thinking that the fact he wasn’t is an indication that he is not used to you being this unwell? Have you ever previously told him you want to throw yourself downstairs?

It's entirely possible he was trying to reassure you it was pregnancy not fat, since he knows about your ED...

He also apologised when he discovered he had upset you

Hardly a twat or whatever else people are calling him without RTWT

He doesn't think you are fat. He didn't imply you're fat. He didn't gesture that you are fat. You are pregnant. Pregnant is not fat. A round stomach because there is a baby in it, isn't a fat stomach. Pregnant people do move differently. You're not going to run as fast, bend as easily, or look not-pregnant when you are pregnant. It is just physics. It is normal. It is not because you are getting fat.

The poor guy can't win. She ASKED him. How is it bad to point out her pregnancy? If she is asking if she's running slow then he is easily saying it in kindness as in go easy on yourself/remember you are pregnant.

Again I think we should focus on the OP getting help rather than one slight comment the husband made. If she is bringing children up it is important they don't hear her make comments to her husband about how she looks or how fast she is.

Because I hadn't been arsed to read beyond her 1st post. Having read the rest of her responses now I'm pretty confused about what the issue is. She's pregnant, when you're pregnant you look pregnant and presumably run slower. No idea why she's upset by this fact.

Your DHs comments would be fine to someone who didn’t have a history of eating disorders. If mine had said that to me I’d have just laughed, but I haven’t got an eating disorder history!

But he isn’t being sensitive to your history. I think it’s on both of you - him for being insensitive, and you for being over sensitive (sorry). I think you need to talk to your GP or midwife about how pregnancy is triggering you, it’s really common and sent my friend into meltdown.

But he wasn't was he.

OP is asking him is she fast, making comments on kids outrunning her when she's running round like a classic ED case getting in water fights with kids.

Ya' know why? because it's an excuse to exercise. Like the 100m sprint yesterday that was 'just for fun'.

Just like all those other ED girls and women exercising 'just for their mental health', or' just to be healthy' or doing the dance Tiktoks for hours on end just because it's 'fun'.

I will put money on OP already restricting food because she's pretty much said it. That an 8k weight gain by the 25 week is 'a lot' in her view but she claims she doesn't really think about her weight or food but will just be 'careful' the next week if she thinks she's gained too much weight.

She's already said she's trying to keep up with her running and fitness in pregnancy, the race yesterday and the water fights with kids today are 'just for fun' on top of the diet, running and fitness she's already doing.

Except it's not fun as she then wants feedback from her DP about being fast or commenting on being out-run.

She's got an eating disorder.

Which is dangerous anyway and particularly so in pregnancy.

Stop enabling her and trying to claim her DP is the one to worry about here. It's not helpful.