To be upset by what my husband said/did

[staringatstars]

Husband just made a gesture to me about me being fat/pregnant. I'm 25 weeks pregnant, don't like looking the way I do right now, keeping up with running and fitness as much as I can with a toddler, intense job, and being pregnant. I had an eating disorder years ago, which doesn't really leave you. I'm in tears. He has apologised for making me upset. Not for what he said, but for making me upset. I just can't do this. I want to throw myself down some stairs and not be pregnant anymore.

This

Just to be clear, I am not upset about the race thing yesterday. He actually took a video of me and I don't think I looked that slow. Sprinting isn't my thing.

The rounded arms gesture and slow jog running has upset me. It was out with other people. I don't know if they heard or saw. Everyone was having their own conversations. It feels mean, and I am very sensitive about this kind of thing. Especially pregnancy. He knows this. We've been together 15 years for Christ's sake and it's the only no go area after having a nl eating disorder years ago. I don't suffer from it anymore, but I have some negative feelings about getting bigger during pregnancy and find it really hard. I'm afraid I don't enjoy it like some women do.

Your DH sounds like he's been a bit of an idiot and responded to you without taking your ED and existing insecurities into account but it doesn't sound like he was trying to upset you, or judging your weight.

Gently, I think this is more about how you currently feel about yourself, wanting some reassurance and then getting a factual response. Even if he had said something deliberately cruel, the comment about wanting to throw yourself down the stairs is really extreme. Easier said than done, but cut yourself some slack and be kind to yourself.

Ok so you say he has never done this before. He clearly didn’t realising him pointing out why kids could outrun you, would upset you so much.

You are upset about what he said as you included it and complained he won’t apologise for what he said. It’s like you feel hurt, know he didn’t mean it but going to keep changing it to get validation here.

One badly timed mime has you feeling this low, you need some support. You have a very negative body image you need some outside support for your own sake.

My DM commented about how much weight I put on with my first and it really upset me. I can't even really remember how it came about but I know she didn't mean it to come out how it did. You did ask him and he has apologised so I would let it go. My midwife reassured me my right gain was fine and yours sounds totally normal too. Put on over 20kgs (from 63kg) with my second and lost it fine. Enjoy your running

I'm more concerned your thoughts go to harming your baby because you're upset! I think maybe you need to speak to someone in case anything further happens to make you feel this upset. Could you have a chat with your GP or midwife and mention your ED and body issues.

I think you need to talk to someone OP. Why do you hate looking pregnant?

WTF - I’m same height and have eventually lost my “baby weight” after 2 years and am
now 60kg and I’m a size 10 and look and feel great. You are not even nearly overweight even as someone who is not pregnant!!!

Hes a fucking prick

you are pregnant halfway to term! christ.

But I haven't felt like this for years. I monitor my weight, pregnant or not, but don't get upset by gaining a few kilos. I just am more careful the next week to stay at my comfortable weight. Which is a healthy weight for me. It's comments or people thinking I look/am fat that upset me. I used to be paranoid about this all the time. I'm not anymore. I know pregnant does not equal fat, but I find it hard to see myself grow like this. It was similar last time. But I can make it to the end of the 9 months and then the baby is so all consuming I forget about my body for a bit until I'm ready to get back to fitness.

Talking to her like what?

I'm sure a lot of posters here haven't read the OPs posts and are just jumping on her DP being a dick without evidence.

OP decided to run a 100m sprint at 25 weeks pregnant and asked her DP 'did I run slow?' and he said 'you weren't fast'.

Then today OP decided to run around in a waterfight with some kids and said to DP 'they out-ran me' and her DP made a pregnant gesture to say 'well yeah, you're pregnant'.

That was it.

And the OP wants to throw herself down the stairs and force a miscarriage because SHE hates being pregnant and her body changing.

She needs help with her MH, not people telling her her DP is at fault, a prick or that he talked to her in 'some way' that is unacceptable. Bloke has a pregnant wife insisting on literally running around because she hates her pregnant body and asking him if she was fast enough.

You're 26 weeks pregnant - you shouldn't give a rat's arse how fast or slow you may look in a sports day race. The fact that you do care (to the degree that you are talking about throwing yourself downstairs!) indicates you need some support on this issue.

Your DH only commented because you asked him, so it doesn't sound as if any of this is coming from him.

Why would you weigh yourself when pregnant? I think if you've got a history of ED that's not a healthy thing to do. Just tell yourself you will be as healthy as you can (balanced diet and light exercise) and let nature do it's thing rather than focusing on your weight.

If you can't do that the I think you need some help or counselling around an ED. You're sensitivity to your husband's comments don't sound normal or healthy.

Being pregnant with a toddler is tough so be kind to yourself and your body. Remember it's doing an amazing thing.

Op please speak to your midwife for an urgent appt with the perinatal team.

Pregnancy changes most women’s bodies. I had physical problems with both my pregancies in 3rd trimester, followed by c sections, so the reality is many of us don’t just bounce back. You shouldn’t be disappointed if it doesn’t happen straight away.

Saying you want to throw yourself down the stairs is a very extreme reaction, please seek help.

OP - your eating disorder is making you very sensitive here and a bit unreasonable to be honest.

Are there any services / support groups in your area that you could get in contact with for a bit of grounding / understanding while you are pregnant?

Do you realise you're the one who keeps bringing these things up OP? You asked him if you looked slow in the race - what did you want him to do answer honestly or pretend you were Superwoman? Then you brought up the kids out running you.

If something is an area that you are extremely sensitive about then don't bring it up in an off the cuff jokey manner, and don't ask questions that you don't want an honest answer to.

This is as much you as your DH IMO. I think you need to talk to him properly about all this in a serious way and I think you need to get some help with your mental health. There are other things he could have said that were true but would have been easier to hear. Wanting to throw yourself down the stairs and not be pregnant is obviously a very extreme reaction to a couple of minor remarks though so get some support for yourself.

@Newusername3kidss
He is not being a ‘fucking prick.’
If you reread the op’s updates she puts a completely different perspective as to what actually did happen.

Did you completely miss the part where he mimicked a fat person running? 🤷🏼‍♀️

"You didn't look fast" is a sensitive answer to your question. He didn't want to say slow...

And he pointed out the PREGNANCY not you being fat

You still have an ED. Weighing yourself every week y is not healthy, especially as you are still hung up then on your weight, because you desperately try to bring it down even a pound

And you are viewing pregnancy as weight gain. To the degree you want to self harm and hurt the baby because of it.

Please seek help

*pregnant woman

She's pregnant

He mimed a pregnancy belly

Not fat person

Your pregnancy is possibly retriggering your ED and you need to talk to professionals about that.

It can be a really risky time for people who have had ED, you said yourself in the opening post the feelings don't go away. You're showing early warning signs of a problem: you hate being pregnant, you hate your body changing, you're wondering if you look 'huge'.

You could be fine, you might not be. You need to tell your GP or midwife.

And to all those saying the DP is a prick or a cunt - presumably as they've been together for 15 years, he knows what living and loving someone with an ED is like.

And it's hard to balance what the right things to say are.

When someone with an ED asks 'how do I look/was I fast and you say 'yeah you look amazing/running, you were the best, so fast' can make someone think well then I clearly need to carry on with this running/food restriction since it's making me look great and be the best, in fact - if I do MORE, then i'll be even better/faster/look better.

Say 'it doesn't matter how you look/how fast you are, I think you're beautiful, the best, I love you no matter how you look or how fast or how pregnant you are' and that's easily interpreted by the ED mindset as 'well I must be f*ing huge and slow then if you say it doesn't matter and you love me anyway, that's what people say when someones ugly/fat'.

Sometimes a neutral answer seems best.

Perhaps it’s worth speaking to your midwife/gp about your issues OP.

You are pregnant and so of course DH is not going to lie and say you don’t look pregnant when you do.

If you are slower than usual, then he’s not going to lie and say you’re as fast as usual because you’re not.

Your DH did nothing wrong and it’s unfair you are taking your issues out on him.

I would be concerned that your old issues with your weight are coming back and that’s not what you need when pregnant/just had a baby.

He mocked her by imitating a fat person running . How’ve you missed that?

So, he didn’t make any gestures to indicate you are fat, he indicated you are nearly six months pregnant and that this would make you run more slowly…

He made a gesture to acknowledge the fact that she’s pregnant and therefore would be slower, he didn’t imitate a fat person running.