Anyone else trying not not to contact a guy part 2??

[YouAreAllMySymmetry]

Hey loves @namechangeforthis5 @Frith2013 and whoever else I can think of.

How we all doing?

I'm having a weird night; I've been drinking and guess what skill it reminded me I've developed: crying out of one eye. It means that people generally don't notice, in the car, or lying on the couch or in bed.

That's sad, isn't it.

This person will always be there in your head BUT you won't think about him every day or week even. You may even think of him with revulsion eventually. I have found that the best way is to think he was there in my life for some purpose even although it was extremely painful at the end and that is Ok. I don't blame myself for getting involved or being stupid or whatever. I know he was not a good person. I know I have moved on.

And mine ended 6 years ago.

Yeah I get that, I don't blame myself either, I was immensely vulnerable and he/it helped me.

I think what's sad is that it was real. And it's left a big old gap. Nothing seems to fill it; new friends, new career path, new interests, being perfectly content with DH, staying busy, doing things I'm proud of.

My first thought is always 'he'd like that, that would make him laugh, he would love this song' etc etc.

And it's not like I ever even thought of actually being with him, it's just the gap the friendship has left really just feels like a big yawning chasm, and I don't think I'll ever feel truly simply uncomplicatedly happy ever again.

Jeez, very much answered on the wrong thread!!!!!

@Frith2013 sorry but I had to look at the original version 😂 tbf it's not out with the realms of this thread either haha!

I had a traumatic event at work. He was there. We kissed. I'm not proud of it. We've been texting since and it's been about 3 weeks. Not to the same intensity as before and I can't explain why I let it happen again. Yesterday I realised that I was in danger of falling into the same pattern. I don’t want it. I don't even want him really, so he's now blocked and deleted on everything. I've made sure there's no way to contact him. I've arranged my work schedule so we shouldn't cross paths for a while and booked a holiday. I've delegated our cross over work to someone else to limit contact as much as possible. We can't be friends and I was much happier when we were no contact. So I'm back to Day 1. It's not going to be a struggle this time, because I've done it before. I am not going to let myself down like that again.

@LizaMinnellisFurCoat it's not a straight line - it zig zags and sometimes you do go backwards. You will be Ok if you are determined .

Found the thread I need 🙌🏻 today deleted the number of a man I had been seeing casually for a few months, following the end of my marriage….he’s been pretty much attempting a slow fade but I kept messaging him and then we would start contact again leading to a hook up and he would attempt to fade again….where is my self respect! No more! Tho it’s been occupying more of my headspace than my actual divorce 🤦🏻‍♀️ I’ve got a good job, three kids, friends etc but yet I can’t stop thinking….help! Need a kick up the arse

It would be fucking great if he would get out of my dreams.

I wish I could help you with this. All I can say is keep going. You’re doing really well.

And @LizaMinnellisFurCoat be nice to yourself.
@Jaz1987 welcome. He sounds like a dickhead quite frankly

I'm doing quite shite tbh. Messaged him yesterday when I knew it would make me feel shit. Why do I have to open the dopamine loop when it can never truly be resolved?

And now I'm determinedly not looking to see if he's responded. Which is fucking stupid.

My teenage daughter has just broken up with her boyfriend and there's less nonsense in her messages than mine 🙄

It’s hard. It’s the dopamine that keeps you doing it not you. Hope your daughter is ok. One thing I kept thinking of. I thought when my daughter is older would I want her to put up with this kind of shit and of course the answer would be no. You are human though and beating yourself up will just make you want the dopamine even more.

Thing is...there is no shit to be putting up with. There's literally nothing there any more. So why does it still live in me every day?

It's like my brain started to glitch way back at the start of this - and I know the exact moment it happened - and it's never been able to go back to normal.

Just needing to write stuff down.
How do I get over this? He occupies so much of my headspace. I have a lot of other stuff going on right now and I am not coping. I am so hormonal, everything is making me cry and this is just too much.

He would usually be the person I lean on for support, since something happened between us he has been keeping his distance, I get it. But he was my best friend before we screwed it up and I miss my best friend.

Ha @noitsachicken you must be me. Exactly how I feel. It's hard. Time lessens it a bit, but it still comes in waves, these days they're just not quite tsunami-level.

How long does it take?
We work together, on days when I’ve tried to avoid him he’s said ‘have I upset you?’ And ‘I haven’t seen you all day’
On days when I try to be ‘normal’ and hang out with him I find it so hard.

I can’t find a middle ground. I just want to be friends like we were, and try to forget what happened.

If you see each other regularly, then I don't think it's going away. Sorry.

Why is it so much easier for him?
I’m sure I don’t occupy his thoughts.

But we were such good friends, and it upsets me he can just seemingly switch off from that. I feel so hurt that I’ve lost my friend over one mistake. And now, when I really need good friends around me (which I do have) he can just be so distant.

I don’t know how to move on from this.

Yep, you're definitely me.

I think men can compartmentalise to a disturbing degree. We don't take over their thoughts the same way we let them do to us.

This is exactly the cycle I was stuck in…messaging and then checking to see when he was last online. It’s crazy behaviour I’ve been married 10years…dealt with my narcissist husband…navigating divorce with 3 kids…selling my family home! And I’m bothered about this guy 🤦🏻‍♀️ following this woman on Instagram is helping Jillian Turecki…though not sure how much she will help me when he reaches out in a few weeks to check I’m still there as an option 🙄 I’ve made a list of all the things I don’t like about him…read and repeat!

I’ve been having therapy for anxiety. I haven’t mentioned this to my therapist but things have come up like low self esteem and people pleasing that have helped me

I’m trying to work out how much of this is real feelings and how much is peri driven midlife crisis. I feel like such a cliche

Me too I’ve had therapy with work and has been helpful at unpacking some childhood stuff linked to low self esteem and people pleasing. Also been reading the classic thread on MN by OP running in the rain 🏃🏻‍♀️🌧️ think I might try running again…always hated it but the poster talks about a physical place to put the emotional pain and it rings true…that’s all these men are a physical embodiment of some of the conflicting/difficult feelings, situations and issues within ourselves…check me out 8 therapy sessions and I’m a mini Buddha 🪷🕉️☸️ 😂

Oh, same. I think it's all a big jumble of stuff really.