Anyone else trying not not to contact a guy part 2??

[YouAreAllMySymmetry]

Hey loves @namechangeforthis5 @Frith2013 and whoever else I can think of.

How we all doing?

I'm having a weird night; I've been drinking and guess what skill it reminded me I've developed: crying out of one eye. It means that people generally don't notice, in the car, or lying on the couch or in bed.

That's sad, isn't it.

Well done, @namechangeforthis5

I hope you've got something nice to look forward to today, no matter how small. I've had a lovely browse of the charity shops!

@namechangeforthis5 your behaviour shows genuine desire for change, his doesn’t. Don’t compare yourself to him, he’s still risking his family for his ego and trying to use and blame other women for his own deplorable behaviour.
You took a wrong path, realised it, owned it and are trying to put it right and get your integrity back. I can’t excuse what you did, but we’re all flawed to some degree and what you do about it is who you really are, that’s how I judge character. You find out who people really are when they f**k up. Not because of what they did necessarily, but because of what they do about it afterwards. Crappy people don’t take responsibility, usually don’t actually care, and feel sorry for themselves rather than who they’ve hurt, they blame others and DARVO it all, or just shrug and carry on regardless, because that’s who they really are.
You did not do any of those things. You are not him.

My period is due which means I MISS HIM AGAIN.

I'm feeling v sorry for myself. I'm sitting at work feeling really out of sorts wishing I could go home and everything would feel better.

But it won't. Things between DH and I are just bumping along ok. He was away for work last week, has been home since Friday and I haven't had one hug, one kiss, nothing.

I'm so lonely sometimes it feels like my skin is flayed off and underneath I'm just so vulnerable and painful.

@YouAreAllMySymmetry I’m so sorry to hear that. It can be awful at times. Especially when we’re in the thick of it. I’m sorry things aren’t great with you and your DH. Me and mine were arguing last week and not talking and I’m sure that contributed however doesn’t excuse it but I do know how it can affect you. Is there anything I can do to help? Keep talking on here. Sorry to sound obvious and/or naive but would it help to talk to your DH about your feelings? Regarding your relationship I mean. Him not hugging or kissing you sounds very lonely.

Thank you. I love browsing the charity shops! I’m having second thoughts on the blocking though. What if it antagonises him. I’m 100% sure I won’t message him.

Thank you again Wookie xx

@namechangeforthis5

"I’m having second thoughts on the blocking though. What if it antagonises him. I’m 100% sure I won’t message him."

You know this is an excuse,

@loveburnt its really not. I’m worried he’ll realise I’ve blocked him then get angry.

Can I ask...if you had your time again, would you start it? Were the highs worth the risks and lows? Because I'm fighting temptation and it's hard.

No I would’ve avoided him like the plague and I wouldn’t have got drunk when I went out. And I would’ve had more strength when I first said I wasn’t comfortable and nothing was going to happen. Im relieved we never met. I had a sixth sense about that. I didn’t actually start it either.

What if it DOES antagonise him? You won't know about it!

So??

Really, so what?

He might try and find out who my DH is. I don’t know. I suffer with anxiety remember. Anyway he’s still blocked

He could have done that at any point, love.

Mr Bike could have got in touch with my brother or mum (same unusual surname as me) or my sons on Facebook.

He could have told anyone at our shared hobby.

But he won't. Because he would be embarrassed and ashamed and knows I could just as easily find his wife or cousins on FB.

Thank you lovely.

I don't think it's a door I can realistically open, no. I sort of flew off that handle last Saturday morning and a bit came out, and his response was to not talk to me for the rest of the weekend.

You know, it's not awful. We get on fine. The kids are fine. We have a nice house. Life is worse for a lot of people.

I don't think I can invoke misery and chaos into my kids lives. One of them has SEN and I don't know that they would survive huge upheaval tbh.

I just...god, it would feel amazing to be wanted and loved. He looks after us all so well, in all the practical ways, but...but.

And this is 0 to do with other guy by the way; that's all done and we're just back to random chats about work really.

This is the problem when both sides are doing the dirty.

God that's a hard one tbh.

I didn't intentionally start it; I got feelings for him out of the clear blue sky. Like literally on the Tuesday I felt nothing, Wednesday came and BAM it was like my normal brain had been transplanted with someone else's weird obsessive brain.

It was sort of manageable until I realised he felt the same, maybe 4/5 months later.

Would I go back and erase him though?

I don't think so, not today. But ask me a month ago and I'd have said different. It helped me a lot as a distraction from some really awful stuff at home, but on balance probably took more than it gave.

I'm not married,

I didn't know he was married in the beginning.

Thanks @YouAreAllMySymmetry . This thread has been really eye opening for me. I know I'd be crazy to risk what I have but the dopamine hit is nuts. I've said no and walked away before we went too far but I miss him so much, but is it more about the way he makes me feel about myself than about him? You all have helped me make sense of it all

Yeah I don't think it's at all about him really for any of us; you don't get massive rushes of dopamine in real adult life generally, and this is one way to do it.

If you were to step back, would he be the world's most irresistible man, or your soulmate, or something?

Or would he be fairly unremarkable?

@YouAreAllMySymmetry we're both very clear that we'd drive each other mad if we actually lived together but he's so different to dh. We'd been friends for years before things developed and always been able to talk about anything and really challenge each other, but he has a side I couldn't live with and I'm the same.

DH isn't interested in me in the same way. He loves me and is so generous in every way but he doesn't really want to explore stuff with me. Plus sex has massively lessened.
It's like they satisfy different parts of me but dh is the one I choose every day and I've cut OM off since things went too far but I miss him so much. He said he loved me which I know is huge for him and he knows bits of me I don't think dh even notices. We mean a lot to each other.

But honestly dh is such a great person. He's my team mate and encourages all my ambitions. He pulls his weight. He compromises, we date when dd is away. Honestly I just wish he was a bit more interested in me but it's so unfair to expect OM to fill that hole. I want to be worthy of dh's trust but I'm still so tempted

Sorry for the self indulgent post. I don't talk about this in rl so it's quite cathartic to put it out there.

That's what the thread is for!

I have a similar situation (well, had).

I've had a very changing few years and have found new interests and hobbies, none of which he really gets or respects, and will literally roll his eyes when I talk about them.

Actually I think it's fear: he sees me changing and worries about what it means and where it's all leading. Which is fair really, but it doesn't help when I feel so uninteresting to him and disparaged by him.

Other guy has similar interests to me, and that became a place where we could connect and bond.

But they're not either/or choices. You're not gonna leave your husband to be with this guy, you acknowledge that.

So what are we talking here? Inappropriate messaging? The occasional fumble? One doesn't replace the other.

But I do get it; if it could all be rolled into one package our problems would be over right?

ALSO LADIES.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH MEN.

I have an Insta account I run for my side business.

Yet another male follower has started to message me and gone over the line; he just messaged with the old 'my wife doesn't understand me' crap.

And now I have to block him.

Have any of you ever in your lives messaged a man's business account and been like 'let's have inappropriate shenanigans through our phones'.

No? Thought not.

Honestly, fuck all these guys. They're just copy and paste middle aged dissatisfied bores looking to their phones for a semi.

@YouAreAllMySymmetry you're right and the fact that all I could offer is crumbs to OM for the price of betraying dh was a big factor in my decision to cut om off. I'm trying to fill the gaps in my life myself as it's no one's job to make me complete. My job involves a lot of discussion and peace making so I'm embracing that and I'm trying to exercise more and eat less so I feel more attractive. I've asked dh if we can start a new hobby together and am trying to chat more to him. Basically trying to be the change I want to see.

It all sounds so good and like I'm together but my heart hurts. But I'm reading all your experiences and realising the road to feeling more complete isn't any person, it's me. And dh deserves better from me