@namechangeforthis5 as the (very old) song goes, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again.
Look at it this way, you’ve got the answer to “what happens if I communicate with this guy in any way?”
1: you’re back to square 1
2: he thinks you’re back in the game and the first thing he thinks of is….sex. (Charming) A bit of flattery and flummery to surround what many, many (pretty much all) guys in any kind of affair are really looking for.
3: To me this shows he’s probably hoping this is where it’s going and he’s pathetic.
4: It didn’t make you feel any better, in fact now you feel worse.
It’s not the end of the world, just a lesson. If you want to feel this crap again, then rinse and repeat. If you think validation from a guy who’s being a jerk is worth anything, rinse and repeat.
What if Namechange is worth more than this? What if attention and seduction by a chancer isn’t the be-all and end-all?
Why does Namechange rate communication with a guy who could wreck her life at any minute higher than validation from someone who is genuinely in her corner?
Put it this way, you go for a jog and some random with all the gear and no idea says “Wow Namechange! You’re a really great runner!” Round the next bend you meet Mo Farah and he says “Wow Namechange! You’re a really great runner!”
Whose opinion would matter most?
Don’t measure yourself by the validation and attention from bottom feeders.
Seeking out this guy is doing just that: I need attention, I need validation/ I need a boost to my self esteem. Don’t go looking in the bargain basement for it.
This guy provides all three on tap, that’s why this crap turns heads and is like an addiction. You just need one more hit….then comes the downer. You got a momentary high from the attention and the flattery and being told you are desirable.
Afterwards you feel like crap.
You don’t need anybody else to tell you how great and lovable you are! Trust in your own worth and value yourself higher.
I can hear that you feel you’ve let yourself down and now you’re adding a layer to your guilt of letting others here down too. Don’t. Everyone here knows how hard it is to break a habit, so everyone here understands.
You know your answers now, don’t beat yourself up, it happened, the cure is in getting back on the horse and keeping going. Don’t allow yourself self-pity or wallowing, put the relapse behind you and redirect yourself to your higher purpose. You’ve got this Namechange, and I think no less of you. To make it on the first round would be pretty rare I think.
In general:
It proves what I firmly believe: the only way out of these things, affairs or exes or whatever they are for anybody here: no-contact whatsoever is the only way to go.
If you work with them (I know how hard this is for many reasons and how outrageous this sounds) then seriously consider moving jobs, or restrict yourself to necessary, short, work based contact only. If you can’t stop obsessing and you work with your limerant object, getting out is a very real option. Otherwise it’s a bit like an alcoholic giving up the booze but still working in the bar.
Be careful with the lies you tell yourselves, if you have decided to try to be ‘just friends’ ( ‘not just friends’ is the title of a great book by Shirley Glass btw) ask yourself honestly why.
Is it really “better that way” or “I don’t want to be rude” or on some level is it “I’m not strong enough to go cold turkey/ don’t deep down honestly want to but know I should and it’s gives me an excuse to engage with him.” ?
I see here and there a lot of posters who are saying they want to stop but are also in between the lines saying “I’m not ready to do that yet.”
This is the truth: There is no such thing as “I can’t stop”. It might take time and it will take a lot of effort, but everyone can stop. It’s a choice.
Find out (with therapy or a personal inventory) why you choose to do this. It’s a choice.
Just before you text or call: STOP. Ask yourself WHY. Ask yourself “What do I need right now that this contact will give me?” And “How will I feel afterwards?” Then choose. It’s your choice to do this or not to do it, but hand-wringing and saying “I can’t stop!” (You can) or saying “Why am I doing this to myself?” without ever answering that question, will get you nowhere.
Get honest, get out of your own way and get in your own corner, you’re worth more than you think you are. You’re all worth the meal in the restaurant, not the scraps from it in the bin outside.
If you’re wondering why Wookie witters on so much: women get a lot of crap from a lot of places and I get frustrated watching women (and men) on threads, who come across as nice, decent, kind people, stuck in pain and self-sabotage when they are worth way more than they’re allowing.
Just keep going and remember your own worth.