@namechangeforthis5 I’m so sorry if you found it harsh, I wasn’t trying to be harsh, I’d never do that to anyone. I just wanted to describe the reality of an affair discovery, it’s a horror show that usually causes those involved to wish they’d never, ever done it. Nobody has any idea how bad it is without going through it. I have and I stand by everything I wrote.
I just dread others going through what I’ve been through for essentially nothing. That’s the terrible thing, I’ve never personally talked to anybody who has had any kind of limerant affair (in real life, plus many posters who contact me anonymously in private messages on here) that got discovered, say “Oh yeah, it was so worth it, I’m really glad I had my affair, it’s done wonders for everybody.” They regret it bitterly, want nothing more to do with their former affair partner, with hindsight see how ridiculous it was and want to stay with their family and get their lives back. So the whole thing was for what? To achieve what? Nothing. Everyone heartbroken and damaged ultimately for nothing.
My husband’s regret is permanent. He’ll never not regret what he did. He said during the affair he actively avoided thinking about what might happen if I found out or our children found out like the plague. He was riding high on his ego and dopamine from the flattery and illicit sex on tap at the snap of his fingers and didn’t want to come down. How to reconcile that awful guy with the good husband and father in his head? He had painted himself as a victim of a ‘dead’ marriage in his head, in order to be able to think that having an affair was justified and because I apparently ‘didn’t care about him’ I wouldn’t really get that hurt! He pushed it down or told himself I didn’t care about him really, so it wouldn’t be that bad.
He needed to get rid of the pain of the cognitive dissonance of still wanting to think he was a good person whilst simultaneously doing something he knew was bad. He’s told me this himself, it made him feel so shit to think about it that he tried to stop but when he couldn’t, he needed an excuse or a different narrative, so he minimised to himself what might happen, lied to himself and rewrote history to try to make what he was doing seem not that bad.
The photos from that year of his ‘dead marriage’ and wife and kids who ‘didn’t care’ and ‘took him for granted’ tell a totally different story, and the happiness he felt on our holidays, celebrations, anniversary dinner etc was real. That’s why he (and actually the majority of discovered husbands) never really wanted to leave, and the hastily dumped affair partner gets left scratching their heads as to why any guy would want to rush back to the allegedly awful home life they said they had. If it was that bad and they were desperate to leave and would leave straightaway if they got found out, what the hell caused the about turn? Because most of what affair partners get told is bollocks and only ‘true’ in the affair context. “I love you” makes sense in the high of the affair situation but sounds like nonsense when the shit hits the fan and all you want is to go home and love your devastated wife and kids. Reality tells a different story.
Guys who really love their affair partners leave to be with them and usually always wanted out of their marriage, the affair gives them the impetus and tangible reason to actually do it. As I have said many times, people can say any old shit to anybody but in the end will do what they actually want to do, regardless of bullshit promises.
You are NOT pathetic, you’re in the grip of a limerant obsession, the ‘relationship’ with this guy has given you an ego boost, made you feel genuinely good about yourself, made you feel good, brightened a routine, humdrum day and the dopamine rush is like a hit of a mind altering drug. It is hard to stop, hard to go cold turkey, but the reality is that this is a crutch, a temporary escape. In other words, not worth upending lives for.
Please, please don’t feel bad about yourself, you’re doing a good thing here and you’ve stayed away since June! That’s a lot of hard work for a very good reason and you should boost your own self esteem with that fact, you don’t want to do this any more and you’re not. That’s more than enough proof that you’re a decent person who wants the best for their loved ones and themselves. Pathetic you are not.