@lovelymango thank you. I believe you.
I totally believe that you or most people generally would never intentionally harm anyone, but here’s the thing, if texts were read or affairs found out by those in the dark, the damage would be terrible and the hurt unimaginable, intended or not.
If the only thing between hurting someone and not hurting them is secrecy, and the people doing it know that, then whether or not it’s intentional is neither here nor there, the outcome is obvious, so the responsibility still lies with them and it’s better not done at all or stopped completely.
My husband knew that what he was doing would hurt me, he didn’t want to hurt me either, but sadly despite knowing and telling himself that, he was selfish and entitled and that didn’t stop him, he did it anyway. He lied and tried to keep it a secret to avoid hurting me but also to enable him to continue his wrongdoing. He knew the knowledge of it would hurt and the big risk of relying on his lies and secrets, but did it anyway.
It wouldn’t make any difference to me whether my husband’s AP intended to hurt me or not, she knew that what she was doing would hurt me, she knew the outcome would be the same, yet still she carried on doing it. She didn’t care enough about the hurt she was potentially helping to inflict on other people to stop doing it. She only cared about what made her feel good and what she wanted.
She didn’t want to intentionally hurt me, that wasn’t her motive, but she knew that the outcome of what she was doing and pursuing would devastate me and our children and still did it.
My husband knowingly participating in secret behaviour that he knew would devastate me and saying he didn’t want to hurt me was what he told himself to feel better about his behaviour. It just minimised the “badness” of what he was doing in his head. In his head if he didn’t want to hurt me, then despite his affair he wasn’t that bad a person. If he knew it would shatter me and did it anyway, “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” made no difference to me whatsoever.
Just don’t be an accomplice, if the shit hits the fan what either of you intended really won’t matter.
And re him, you’re right, in that scenario I can guarantee you he’ll dump whatever he needs to in order to save what he actually wants, and if it’s his wife, he’ll cut and run, whatever he tells you you mean to him. Unless of course he gets scared that if he upsets you, you’ll be angry and might contact his wife, in which case he’ll slowly go cold and distant on you and try to make you end it instead of him, because you’ll hopefully get fed up (my husband’s cowardly tactic). Either way, you’ll no longer be his “saviour” or the “one he really loves” or “the only one who makes him happy” or whatever other bullshit you’ve been told any more, you’ll just be his awkward problem that he needs to make go away. You might not believe that now, but ninety-nine times out of a hundred it’s the outcome for the OW once the wife finds out.
The fact that many of you in this situation are are here on this thread and reading the kind of things you post, shows how much you are trying to turn yourselves around and I genuinely am not judging you, you’re doing the right thing.
I applaud all of you for doing that when you’ve obviously had your heads turned by selfish men and doing the right thing is extremely difficult.