Those that have been together for a very long time, could I just ask. Over the span - have you e

[Vibing]

ever had a row and said you were splitting up? Like a...'thats it ive had enough of your BS' moment. But you both somehow continue to work on things and lster down the line its repeated?

Im trying to gauge if its growing pains in a relationship and everyone at some point has enough or if my 5 year relationship is not healthy

Often things can be said in the heat of the moment and then it somehow all goes back to normal ... until the next time. From what you say this sounds like a pattern. Do you feel able to give some examples of what else you think might not be healthy in your relationship, apart from the 'that's it' thing?

Not in 18 years no. I'm very clear on this point - if he tells me he's leaving me or wants a divorce that is what will happen, as that's a bell that can't be unrung for me. I expect a mutually respectful relationship where we work together to solve problems, even if we're fuming with eachother. Flinging splitting up or divorcing around as a threat is manipulative bullshit that I absolutely will not stand for. So if he ever says it, or I ever say it, then we mean it and that's the end.

I do think it depends on you and your relationship though, everyone has different boundaries and hard lines. I'd say if it's been said once in the heat of an argument then it's worth talking about and establishing that this isn't acceptable. If threats of ending the relationship are frequently used as trump cards to end an argument, that's the point I'd say it becomes toxic and manipulative, and will slowly erode any trust you have in the stability of the relationship or integrity of your partner. At that point it's time to take them up on it and leave.

Not once in 17 years. Agree with a PP that it’s a bell that cannot be unrung.

I'd have the same view as MonsteraMama. We have been together nearly 22 years and we have never thrown threats of leaving at each other in anger or frustration. If I was ever in doubt of my own or his commitment to our relationship, then it just wouldn't be worth it for me.

Neither of us have ever said "I want a divorce". But we definitely went through a sticky patch when I thought (but didn't say) "I'm not sure we'll make it through this". It was when we had young kids and we were going through the typical sleep deprived, not enough quality time together period. That was about 15 years ago and we're still together and very happy.

No never. Married, happily, 29 years.

This is really helpful and food for thought

same as @LemonCitron , there have been moments when I really didn’t think we would make it, but it wasn’t said out loud.
30 years together, very happy now, best mates

Once when we were each going through difficult personal periods. I said I wasn’t happy. He said he thought we were at the end. We then gave our heads a wobble, made a cuppa and decided to be kinder to ourselves and each other.

we've only been married 11 years, so not long term, but in all that time the only real proper arguements have been over the kids.

i don't mean silly things, i mean the important stuff.. crime, lies money etc.

i have had a previous violent relationship, and i used to start arguements to get it over and done with and it infuriates me that hubby wont bloody shout!

i think its ok to argue... about the big things, if you are arguing and bickering about the small stuff.. then maybe you need to look at the relationship a bit closer.

30 years together.

Both have wanted to and have articulated about leaving - just never at the same time. And I think that could be the only thing that's saved us.

16 years in and never said anything about leaving or splitting up. I'm same as monstera, if those words are uttered, it's over.

Like another pp, I've thought things like oh hell,we wont make it through this, but never said it.

No but in 19 years we've never had that kind of argument. We're probably on the same page to an unusual degree.

Was it just on these two occasions? What happens when the dust clears?

As a pp said wouldn't be a 100% dealbreaker if said once in the heat of the moment but on the whole I wouldn't like to be manipulated by threats so the kind of relationship where things blow up and threats are issued wouldn't be for me.

Met my partner when I was 24. In the first 2 years we probably did break up once and had a couple of really big fights where we said unproductive shit.

Got engaged at 27, then married at 29 and we have in all our many years married- never threatened to leave one another.

He told me once that it was over because he was being an absolute bellend over something. I went for a long drive and within an hour he was frantically calling me apologising profusely. Nothing else before or since, been together 29 years.

Happily together for nigh on 30 years and neither of us has ever said anything close to that to the other.

7 years in and never had a proper row. Discussions over disagreements perhaps. But we are both older and wiser having both been through divorces.

I would hope we could talk things through and not throw out ultimatums that would be very hard to come back from.

I would not accept any threats to leave. We are either in it together or not. I am too old for playing games.

I've never voiced it to him, but did think about divorce a few years ago. We've been together 38 years, met in our late teens. We've always been close and got on well, but the early years with twins tested us. It's a tricky time with a young family. We're fine now.

I have said this a few times tbh, in anger in the heat of the moment, the more seriously, took him to relate, more recently asked what he thought a divorce would look like, in terms of splitting assets, to make him realise that I’m unhappy. I have considered divorce a few times but glad that we haven’t. Married 14 years, together around 18 years.

Married 22 years and together 25.
No, neither of us have ever said anything like that

No. I have said if this continues it will end in divorce because I'm not spending the rest of my life like this.

Never even close. We barely argue. Happily married for 20 years.

Of course! It’s hard going at times.

Yes, we have. Some quite big issues as well. What kept us together is that we both wanted it to work so worked at it.
It can't work if you're doing it on your own or feel like you are.

30 years married and no, we have never said anything like that to each other. I have never felt it either - and doubt he has. Our commitment to each other is the bedrock of our relationship.

That said, we have had some humdingers of arguments at times. And most people find having small children a hard enough time. my sister used to say having children is like having a bomb going off in your marriage. And that the year the first baby is born is usually the worst year of your marriage.