Those that have been together for a very long time, could I just ask. Over the span - have you e

[Vibing]

ever had a row and said you were splitting up? Like a...'thats it ive had enough of your BS' moment. But you both somehow continue to work on things and lster down the line its repeated?

Im trying to gauge if its growing pains in a relationship and everyone at some point has enough or if my 5 year relationship is not healthy

In 26 years. I have said it and meant it once, around 10 years ago.

At the time we were going through a very difficult situation. I truly meant it when I said it.

We stopped talking but co existed.
Still slept in the same bed but with our backs to each other.
In that time the sadness and loss I felt over our relationship potentially ending overwhelmed me. I couldn't stop crying. The thought of not being with him made me want to overcome the problems we were having. I felt it was worth fighting for. There were still many positives and so much shared history to just throw away. We still loved each other.

Since then our relationship has gone from strength to strength. We're stronger than ever. Our love has grown even more than I thought possible.

Been together nearly 20 years and we have.. more than once

Never in 29 years. It’s never been hard work or tough. We’ve had a handful of arguments in those years, never resulting in discussion about splitting up.

I believe if your marriage is difficult or hard work then you’re probably married to the wrong person.

No. I couldn't cope with that level of insecurity those kinds of words cause. Relationships shouldn't be that hard.

No never had an argument that ends in one of us saying it’s over. However I have a few times. Said if this continues I will leave you sort of thing. Like if you don’t start picking up after yourself twat for brains I’m out. Just in anger, we have been together 30 years since I was 20.

Never, not in 28 years.

That sounds like an unsettling way to live. How do you feel about it?

I agree with @MonsteraMama - we have been together 22 years.

We had an occasion last year where my DH said he didn’t feel he could be in the marital home at that time - this though was linked to 4 years of our DD’s mental health issues, Eating issues, constant conflict and awful behaviour. She was slightly better with me, than him - he felt constantly pushed to the edge by her screaming/ shouting/ ungratefulness/ risk taking behaviour. When he tried to respond to her positively it was thrown back in his face!! It was awful! However we were always clear this was not the end of us - it was a temporary arrangement whilst we got help!!
He didn’t go as in the end I felt like our DD was bullying us - so we planned a different strategy and reset! Its a hard line for me - I don’t feel able to play with peoples emotions by threatening divorce. Its not a route I am willing to take!

Agree.

7 years in, and yes. Many times.
It's a combination of the way I was raised: divorced parents (and grandparents), saw my parents start and end many relationships since. I've always learned that breaking up is the solution to unhappiness. Working hard on fixing that idea in my head, but it's not easy.
I've always had the tendency to doubt my relationships, from the start. Usually very happy the first year, and after that with every sign of trouble I think: maybe this isn't working out and I should leave. This time around I have children and I don't want them to live out of a suitcase like I did, so my motivation to stay and work things out is much bigger. But that feeling still creeps up, a lot. It's hard for my husband because he's not like that.

However, the other side is that sometimes for me it feels like that's the only way to really sound the alarm bells and say: hey, the way things are going between us is making me miserable. And I've talked about these issues many times, but they never get taken seriously and my happiness doesn't seem to be a factor. So I need to do something, however shocking, to get your attention and to show you that I'm serious and I will not continue to live like this. I've tried a lot of ways to communicate, but threatening to leave is the only thing that actually gets him to listen to what I'm saying. So I guess I do wonder whether I'd still feel this way if I actually felt seen or heard or felt like he cared about my happiness.

Yes, absolutely. Went and stopped at my mothers last October for a night because quite frankly the man was getting on my tits for quite a duration. First time I've done that.

We've said it to each other a couple of times in our 20 year marriage when we've both lost our tempers during a barney. Then, after the dust has settled we've sat, had a chat, maybe some tears and sorted things out. Marriages and relationships aren't designed to be perfect and neither are humans. Sometimes things get said in the heat of the moment that are not always nice.

Never. But we also don't argue. We have minor bickering occasionally, mostly if I'm hangry or having meno-forgetfulness. But it's really minor shit.

We talked for weeks before we even met, and worked out we were in agreement on the big things in life so there's never been any need to argue. And after 18 years we're still in accord - on politics, family, finances, fidelity, all of it.

A threat to leave would be the death knell. There's no coming back from that thought they one person is superior or that desire to create insecurity to make another person comply with something.

20 years and not here either. Arguments are pretty rare for us tbh. But there have been a couple of occasions were I wondered if we might split, and thankfully those were fleeting thoughts for my overthinking brain.

I grew up with a volatile manipulative mother and a stonwalling silent father who's arguments would affect the whole household for days or even weeks. Those poor communication styles ensured I had a series of bad relationships until I committed to counselling and learned about good relationship communication, so in all of our arguments we tend to stick to the topic, try to stay calm, listen and try to take on board what the other person is thinking or feeling and see where we can find a happy medium.

Married thirty years soon, I'd say in the first five years it was still all hearts and flowers. I'd get butterflies at just the thought he'd be home shortly.

We've had some awful tragedies, not of our making, along the way. The only time I voiced a fear for our future was during COVID. DH struggled with his mental health and I wanted him to seek help. He refused initially and was hard to live with for a while. Eventually, he admitted he needed to see a professional and things are now back on an even keel.

I'm not someone who would ever bully DH into anything. I tried everything I could think of to get him to seek help. He was so ill he didn't think he needed it, when to his family, friends and myself it was obvious.

Threatening that we may not have a future together was a last resort. I don't think I'd have followed through but I was scared he'd hurt himself because he was so down.
We'd been together around 25 years at this point. The long time I'd got to know him showed me there must be something wrong as it was so against his normal behaviour.

I'm just remembering- I did something extraordinarily stupid financially and said "I will understand if you want to leave me." He wasn't angry about the stupidity- he was angry about me thinking he would leave me over it...

Previous relationship which looking back was never really that great ... he would settle any difference of opinion by asserting 'well, then, we shall have to sell the house' which always stopped me because I loved my house.

One day, he was driving, produced this gem and I found myself saying 'oh well, I guess that means we need to sell the house.

It took some six months but all was reasonably amicable. Not married, no kids.

No idea why it took me so long to ditch him. We was much nicer to me after we had split up but .. I ignored him and he eventually got himself another girlfriend.