Those that have been together for a very long time, could I just ask. Over the span - have you e

[Vibing]

ever had a row and said you were splitting up? Like a...'thats it ive had enough of your BS' moment. But you both somehow continue to work on things and lster down the line its repeated?

Im trying to gauge if its growing pains in a relationship and everyone at some point has enough or if my 5 year relationship is not healthy

Lord yes. Been married 40 + years. We are both somewhat quick-tempered and when in full ranting mode we have said this to each other in the heat of the moment on three or four occasions.

Neither of us meant it. If we had, it would have happened.

My late wife and I were married for over 47 years. Never, ever said anything like this.

We faced our issues together. And we were seriously tested by life , many times.

Never in my 10 year marriage. Until the day he did. Blindsided, separated immediately, now divorced. Eventually recovered and coparenting well.

Dh and I talk openly about things that need to change, after therapy. So we’ll say things like ‘if this doesn’t change I will find it very difficult to stay in this marriage’, to reinforce the point. so we can work on things. But ‘I want a divorce’. No never.

23 years, don't often argue at all (though he can irritate the hell out of me sometimes). Never had anything close to a thought of splitting up.

My DH has said it. More accurately that he doesn’t see a future for us. But I know him well enough to know this isn’t real. He is prone to being unable to think outside the moment he is in and he has a history of seasonal affective disorder and depression. His parents put him under intolerable psychological pressure and he had had shot period at work. All this can mount up and cause someone to lash out. Thankfully much more under control now (without medication - he needs a SAD light and exercise). But I am quite old fashioned. I would never leave him. Even when his depression has taken a huge toll on me. I am his strength and stay. We’ve been marriage nearly 20 years and it’s been worth it.

I’ve been with my dh for 15 years. We have our fair share of arguments and times when I felt like we wouldn’t make it but it was never said out loud.

I have friends whose partners always threaten to end the relationship during an argument and I couldn’t be bothered with that hanging over me all the time.

The happiest of couples argue, it’s healthy to vent and express yourself.

10 years together, married 5.
we have on a couple of occasions said nasty stuff, threatened to leave - in fact from my husband now I reflect on it, in the manner of ‘if you do X, that’s it, we’re over’.
and we’re still happily yogether

having said that, I am of the belief you should never make threats you’re not prepared to follow through on. It destabilises things

No never... 36 years together, 34 married.
We've only ever had one real row, and that was when he said he had the right to do something (can't remember what) because he was the bread winner. I was parenting 4 kids while he was in the Forces, no family support and I was doing literally everything else. I was livid. He never said it again!

We do annoy each other regularly ,but no more than a grumble at each other and a two fingered gesture! We have very different personalities, but we both have faith in our relationship with eachother.

Ironically yes, in the early years. My DW said it to me in anger, but she didn’t mean it. It was something she had learned from her mum. She was profusely apologetic when she realised it was really hurtful.

It didn’t mean a whole lot anyway because we’re Catholic so…divorce isn’t an option. Learning to fight with each other is not something everyone knows how to do. You will start to learn what you do (that you probably don’t really realise) that isn’t ok, and start to try and change for the sake of your spouse and your marriage (I’m not blaming her here you realise- I too had to learn how to fight in a respectful way).

People will lash out- when they’re really hurt and desperate to stop hurting. And when you’re married you have unique weapons to hurt each other. You’ve made all these public promises to love, honour and cherish each other, and 95% of the time we all fall short of them.

If it’s a dead sign in your LTR- only you know really. Theres people for whom it is, and people for whom it isn’t. Unfortunately the only way forward is to find some means of talking to the other person about your difficulty without blaming them for your problems. It’s tough, because it often means taking responsibility for your own faults, which in general, is not something people are good at.

No. Never.

I came home from a long camping trip once googling for a flat to move into on my own - that resolved itself after a proper sleep in a proper bed though. Otherwise, 23 year run without any marching orders.

Yes,more than once. 38 years married.

Yes together 22 years married 20. I’d say 5 times we’ve had those conversations about breaking up. Others have called it manipulation to suggest breaking up in a row but it hasn’t been for us, they were genuine feelings. Both DH and I had very dysfunctional upbringings, huge abuse and trauma in both family of origins and that has led to issues for both of us. We are far from perfect as a couple and as individuals but we love each other and we have come through it. We have worked solidly on our background issues together and honestly I’m proud of us.

No. Everyone's different but this seems concerning.

Never in 12 years. Like PP said, it's something that you can't unsay or unhear. If DP said it to me I would take him at face value, and if I said it to him it would be because I wanted him to take it at face value. And that's a good thing because saying it without meaning it seriously is just manipulative.

People can say what they want about "heat of the moment" as an excuse but the thing is every escalation is a choice. When you're fuming with your partner it's a choice to go from a snappy tone to a shouty tone. It's a choice to say the thing that will turn it from sniping into a row. You always know what that thing is. And threatening to leave them is an escalation above that.

DP and I have almost never rowed properly but a lot of that is because we both hate conflict, and if we're irritated with each other prefer to bite our tongues and go off to be alone somewhere. A few hours later we've usually calmed down and realised whatever it was doesn't really matter, or if it does we can approach it in a more measured way.

Yes. There have been moments where the only thing holding it together is stubbornness and fear of change. But those moments pass, and are normally acute crises caused by external factors stressing the marriage (family, kids, health, money where there may be simultaneous disagreements). I do I know people who claim this is not the case for them, but I am sceptical, or suspect that the cushion of money (which solves most problems) is what takes their stress away.

Same here, married 36 years. We adore each other but since the menopause, I've had a quick temper when I feel overwhelmed.

Married - 25+ years. I am the husband, we have several children, all now adult, very happily married.

There was one period when things were hard - she damaged by past and I a dick - when we needed sorting, and part of that sorting process had been discussions which involved divorce as a possible, but undesirable outcome.

And another when things were bad because she was acting self-destructively for her own issues and I pointed out that there are limits to what I could deal with. I pointed out my limits, I did not threaten her, but of course someone lesser than my wife might have decided it was a threat. She rapidly addressed her issues then and remains grateful both for me pointing out my limits and for my support.

I think honest communication is fine and needed, particularly in a crisis. Threats and manipulation are not.

Why are people commenting who have been together 7 years 😀😂😀

Married 21 years, together 24. Never said anything like this or thought it or experienced anything but joy about being married (which is not to say that we’ve never rowed or annoyed each other).

People vary though. I’d hate a marriage full of rows but some people find rows energising and healthy.

However much they may irritate you, be very sure that you irritate them just as much - if not more! None of us is perfect.

This is one of the wisest things I've read on mumsnet, it's so easy to not have the self-awareness to realise this!

We've been together over 30 years and never said that.

It depends on personality. I’ve been married 25 yrs. We are both fiery and that works for us. We will argue until a conclusion is agreed if we disagree on something.

I’d be less concerned by a sweary threat issued in anger than I would be by a calm delivery of: I will need reevaluate staying in this relationship if xyz continues/happens. It seems emotionless and quite chilling actually.

Same. Both been very unhappy at times. But we worked through it, mostly because leaving is harder work than muddling on through. We are a good team, that’s enough.