Paying on second date?

[notamumyet2010]

Hi everyone. Really interested to hear opinions on the following as I have 2 friends with two very different opinions.
I went on a second date last night with a guy I’ve been speaking to for about a month (OLD).
First date was drinks, he paid, I offered to get the second one he said no it was fine. I had one alcohol drink and one soft drink. He had 2 soft drinks.
We then made plans for last night. I suggested a few different types of activities as I think it’s a good way to spend time with someone and he agreed to crazy golf. He asked about dinner beforehand and I agreed and he said about getting a burger somewhere. I have to admit that wasn’t quite what I had in mind but whatever.
I booked the golf (£28) and here’s where I went wrong. I assumed as I paid for that he would pay for the burger. But although I told him I had booked the golf, I didn’t actually say I had paid. There is no way of booking it without paying and most things you pay when booking in my experience!
Anyway we walk into the burger place and it’s very clear very quickly we are ordering and paying for our own. I have to admit I was floored! This is date two-we haven’t even kissed at this point and he can’t get me a burger and fries?
Straight away I feel a massive ick. Call me old fashioned but surely the first meal you have together it’s nice for the guy to pay?
Anyway we eat and go over to the golf place. I check us in and he says “Oh you paid, if I had known that I would have got your dinner”
I didn’t know what to say at this point so stupidly just said oh don’t worry.
So all in all this second date cost me nearly £50!

So friend one-
Its my fault for not telling him I had paid for the golf, men shouldn’t pay for everything and I have too high expectations

Friend two-
He is a tight arse and if he can’t fund a burger and chips on date two, god knows what he will be like in 6 months time.

It actually doesn’t matter as I’m not going to see him again as I didn’t feel anything when he kissed me, it wasn’t a very good kiss in my mind.

But that aside-what do you lot think? And I out of order for this? I just think if he really cared about the fact I paid for the golf and my dinner he could have asked for my bank details to send me the money to cover even just his game?

Really interested to read others opinions.
Thanks :-)

Exactly. Also cannot quite believe the op “doesn’t count” the two rounds he paid for on the first date (ie, the entirety of the date). They’re negligible apparently 🙄

It's not about feminism or wanting it all your own way. It's about the type of man you want to have a relationship with.

OP doesn't want a relationship with an ungenerous man, and I agree with her. I always pay my way, but if a man doesn't offer to pay, I don't see them again. And even that isn't foolproof, cos people tend to be on their best behaviour at first. So if a man is in any way stingy in the first few dates, you can guarantee he's a real Scrooge once you are past the datig days! .

I want a generous man because I am a generous person and so I want a boyfriend who will not take advantage of that.

No need to worry about or defend the mean men. There's plenty of women even on this thread who will date a skinflint. Each to her own.

You can’t tell if they are generous simply as they offer to pay on the first few dates. I’m fairly positive you know that full well.

Why on earth, in 2024, should anyone expect a man to pay for the date, simply because they are a man?!
It's quite simple; don't arrange to go on a date if you can't afford to pay your own way. If on a date you are (I'm assuming) an adult going on a date with another adult. You are not your date's financial responsibility.

What does it matter what year it is? Any man worth his salt would pay for date 1, and possibly beyond. Have you ever seen First Dates on tv, whenever the guy suggests going dutch he's made out to look cheap.

@Pinkbits Why on earth would you expect a man to pay for your first date? All the dates I went on I paid my own way! I earn; I don't want or need a man paying for me.
I'm married now with a young child and hubby and I do he pays one meal, I pay the next. We both work, we both share expenses.

Personally I won’t let a man pay for the date. I’m not going to sit on my hands while he goes back up the bar several times - who does that?
All men will buy the first round and that’s completely normal but I will always offer and insist on getting the second drink whether it’s alcohol, coffee, a soft drink whatever.

I would actually judge a man more for refusing to let me buy him a drink.

Quite

I'm flabbergasted that anyone thinks like this, tbh.

No, it doesn't matter what year it is - we never expected men to pay for everything 45 years ago either.

Any man worth his salt would pay for date 1

Why ?
I am genuinely puzzled as to why anyone would think this.

Have you ever seen First Dates on tv, whenever the guy suggests going dutch he's made out to look cheap.

No, I haven't, but quite frankly if you think reality TV shows reflect real life, you've got big problems.

Don't see why he should have to pay. He wasn't to know you had paid for golf.

He did pay on the first date

The 1950’s called, your wanted back.
Make sure dinner is on the table and I like my collars starched!
Oh what? Not that traditional?

That sounds awful, honestly. It doesn't sound like he's really into you. So little effort.

It wouldn't be ok with me. Like you, I'm old fashioned. If man doesn't like you enough to want to make effort at the very beginning, it's unlikely worth going any further, unless you are crazily into him.

Not the kind I'd want to be with.

This

Still find it ridiculous that in 2024 some think that a man ‘making the effort’ is all about his wallet.

So what exactly are the women who think a relative stranger should be paying for their social activities doing to match the effort?

Dating is a two way street - both parties should be bringing something to the table not expecting it all from one side.

Having children with an unspecified partner at an unspecified time in the future, apparently. And breastfeeding those children. That’s why men should pay on first dates, according to some on here.

And what special qualities are you bringing to his table that gives you that level of entitlement to make absolutely zero effort?

If you look good, dress nicely and are pleasant company I found men wanted to pay for dates. My husband certainly wanted to and every guy I dated before him. If any hadn’t wanted to I would have presumed that they were not attracted to me.

Men wanting to pay and you feeling it’s an absolute entitlement are very different things.

Every man I’ve dated has always wanted to pay for the first date, I insist on at least buying them a drink.

Its why you feel it’s an entitlement is my question not whether they want to.

And dressing nicely and being good company is a given on a date imo - not something that should be for financial gain.

@SamW98 I’m pretty sure I didn’t say I was ‘entitled’ to anything. Everyone has different desires and wants in a boyfriend or husband. Some of those will be priorities for some but not for others. I was lucky to meet some who ticked all my boxes and the feeling was mutual.

It's easier if people just go out for a drink and alternate orders. I wouldn't be impressed by someone asking me out for a drink who stood there and expected me to pay for it, but then I wouldn't expect him to be impressed if I didn't pay for the second drink.

It's much easier to go for a drink as you can leave whenever you want. If you decide after the starter that someone's not for you then you've got to sit through the rest of the meal.

I agree and I always only go on drinks/coffee dates until I know it’s something worth pursuing.

I really can’t imagine sitting on my hands letting anyone keep buying rounds without getting my purse out. I’d feel ashamed to have such poor manners.

I'm with friend 2. Call old fashioned!

Call me old fashioned*

Your old fashioned!😀