He filmed me without consent

[Etoile1]

Hi,New to posting on netmums but often look at threads about relationships etc.
Really hoping for some support.

I have been married for 10 years, together longer and 4 kids.It has been quite a difficult relationship for me as my spouse is very emotionally unavailable.I often feel lonely and unsupported.

A few weeks ago we were having sex and I felt that something wasn't right, he was filming me from behind without my consent.

I felt completely violated and in the moment I was very angry and said how can I trust you now.

After a few hours he appeared and said he was sorry but he had no explanation for why he did this.He also cried which he will often do if I bring up any conflict, it feels a bit manipulative.

After a week I addressed it again and calmly said that.... he knows I have body insecurities and I am being very vulnerable in these situations.He knows I would never agree to this and it also shows no respect towards me or my feelings.He just agreed and said he already said he was wrong, but he was kind of smirking as if he thinks it is amusing in some way.

It has really messed with my head, have been getting anxiety and nausea etc.I do not want him to touch me now and I feel insecure and betrayed by his behaviour and lack of remorse.He makes me feel like I am over reacting.

I’m not sure what you are looking for but I’d suggest a divorce and reporting to the police.

That is vile op, no wonder you feel as you do. It is classed as a criminal offence.

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/news/filming-partner-without-their-consent-during-sex-ruled-a-criminal-offence/

Report him to the police and leave!!

I have discussed with womens aid, and the rape and sexual abuse line via an online chat on their sites. They told me the same,(its abuse and against the law) I don't know what I'm looking for I guess but I feel broken and not sure I can cope with what I need to do.I know that sounds weak.Thankyou for validating for me that it is not right.

It is an awful thing to happen. I'm so sorry. I don't want to worry you further but has he destroyed the video?

Great. Now you need to decide what to do next.

The thing is you don't know if he has done this before over even had the phone recording and if those recoding have gone online, you just don't know

IMO, you need to tell him that it is against the law and you are now worried he may of done this before and got away with it. Ask him to be open and honest and if you them establish there is more - most people will know what to do

In circumstances like this, talk to your parents or siblings if you are close for sensible guidance and the pro's and con's of your plan of action

Take him to the cleaners. That's not a man you can ever trust again.

I'd be worried where the footage is.

Don't let his snivelling put you off doing what your gut tells you is right.

I really don't know how much video footage he got, I presume he has deleted.He tried to deny initially but couldnt as I caught him red handed.I stormed out and didnt see him for a few hours.I suppose I just guessed he destroyed.I just feel in shock still.He will not give me any reason why he did this.

I'm pretty confident that people that do stuff like this don't record the face or delete it if they put it online but you have a valid question with the question I raised as you and I were posting at the same time!!

Why presume he's deleted? I'd be way more likely to assume he hasn't!

I have spoke to my mum and she supports me with whatever I decide and she said she understands the trust would be gone.I tried to seperate 2 years ago because of the emotional side of our marriage not being there.It didnt go well and he did the tears and would not leave me alone and accept it at all.He has alot of past trauma in his life and his dad died of suicide in the last year.His reaction will b bad.

This is the kind of thing that he wants you to brush under the carpet but I think you need to go the other way. Tell other people what happened, seek sources of support, I’d even be minded to contact the police tbh. There’s no doubt in my head that if you split up with him, he’ll do something vindictive with the footage. Don’t trust that he’s deleted it. Even if it’s deleted from his camera roll app, it might exist in a separate area of his phone or the cloud

Why did he do it?

To feel powerful at your expense. To reduce you to an object and he's the powerful stud. To relive his glory and have future wanks over it.

But mainly to feel powerful at your expense. He's seen amateur type porn, fancied making his own, knew you'd say no and did it anyway.

You need to toughen up and not let his trauma or tears distract you from the reality that the relationship has failed and he has done something completely unacceptable. In my opinion, unforgivable. It's a complete breach of trust.

I really know you are right, it is just so hard when you are in it.I know I need to act, its just not the person I thought he was and I suppose I am scared of all the implications.The biggest being what do I tell the kids

He was not thinking about you when he was filming you and sadly I would not presume its been deleted.

I would seek legal advice before telling the children. They may think something is up anyway between you two and has been for a while because they can and do pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken here.

He is not the person you thought he was and if there is no trust there is no relationship. Certainly do not remain with him for the supposed sake of the children or because he can talk you around by feeling sorry for him. All his behaviour here in that respect is manipulation and stems from wanting power and control over you.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. You would not want them to be in a relationship like this as adults so do not continue to show them this relationship is still acceptable to you on some level.

Yes I think that they do pick up on things unfortunately, putting a brave face on is hard.He is acting like normal, I am really struggling.
Perhaps I could ask Citizens Advice.I guess I was asking here too as other women may have been through the same.

What an absolute cunt. I am beyond words with what he has done. You’d never be able to trust him in the future.

He is a bully. Your dc need to see you have boundaries..
And report him. Maybe that will wipe the smirk off his face. . Before he uploads it somewhere.

DO NOT presume the video has been deleted.
When you report it to the police, I expect them to request his phone. They are the experts and if it is still there they will find it.

'It didnt go well and he did the tears and would not leave me alone and accept it at all.He has alot of past trauma in his life and his dad died of suicide in the last year.His reaction will b bad.'

@Etoile1

none of the above is or will be your responsibility.

YOUR responsibility is to yourself and your children.

Citizens advice will likely tell you the same as you've already been told by Womens Aid along with other helplines and now on here; its abuse and against the law. Do not kick the can down the road. Your children do indeed need to see you have boundaries.

You need to report him to the police, let them also deal with him. What he has done here is a crime.

I'm not sure what the police will do.

Its like my initial anger should of been used to fuel reporting.

Now I have calmed it is more upset and hurt.The way he is so dismissive of it all has also made it awful this week.I am an intelligent woman, with a career and education.Why am I so timid in this situation even though I know what I would tell a friend to do.

I guess that shows the control he has over me.

Like earlier posters commmented, I think I need to sort myself an action plan to move forward.

They will arrest him. Your husband is literally a sex offender, he belongs on a register. And going by other posters on here’s experiences, there’s a very good chance those videos of you are online. Has he said what he’s doing with the videos? Have you asked to look at his phone to see what he’s recorded? And he doesn’t give a shit btw, hence the smirking when he thought you weren’t going to do anything about it

The police will investigate this if you did decide to report it.

The power and control in this relationship is well and truly in his favour; he will never want to relinquish that level of control over you.

Would you be willing and able to contact Womens Aid again to sort out some sort of action plan here?. Baby steps are needed; I think that once you have taken the first, and often the hardest of those, out on your own it will get easier.