He filmed me without consent

[Etoile1]

Hi,New to posting on netmums but often look at threads about relationships etc.
Really hoping for some support.

I have been married for 10 years, together longer and 4 kids.It has been quite a difficult relationship for me as my spouse is very emotionally unavailable.I often feel lonely and unsupported.

A few weeks ago we were having sex and I felt that something wasn't right, he was filming me from behind without my consent.

I felt completely violated and in the moment I was very angry and said how can I trust you now.

After a few hours he appeared and said he was sorry but he had no explanation for why he did this.He also cried which he will often do if I bring up any conflict, it feels a bit manipulative.

After a week I addressed it again and calmly said that.... he knows I have body insecurities and I am being very vulnerable in these situations.He knows I would never agree to this and it also shows no respect towards me or my feelings.He just agreed and said he already said he was wrong, but he was kind of smirking as if he thinks it is amusing in some way.

It has really messed with my head, have been getting anxiety and nausea etc.I do not want him to touch me now and I feel insecure and betrayed by his behaviour and lack of remorse.He makes me feel like I am over reacting.

His reaction is merely to undermine you. To downplay the severity of what he has done. So you take responsibility as being the problem.

What he has done is vile. His reaction also feels so wrong. I imagine there has been gaslighting of some sort during your marriage.

There will be moments where you question yourself and your decision. Please don't doubt your strong reaction to this. It's for a reason 🙏

His reaction going forward is all his responsibility. None of it is yours

I think you should go to the police about this. He sounds really messed up.

i know it's not as easy as others make it sound, as these people haven't got the emotional connection to your husband. But you do need to involve police - they'll check his device and see if it's been shared elsewhere, even if he's deleted any evidence of sharing it- and to check your property for hidden cameras.

There's a lot of groups on app's - such as KIK and Whatsapp for example, because chat's are encrypted, that share this kind of thing - people being recorded without their knowledge, personal videos and sexual abuse of children.

So please, please involve the police to see the full extent of his recording, also for your childrens safety.

Think of it this way op, if your friend said her partner had treated her this way...and that he stalked her when she left him and then filmed her without consent and smirked about it when she confronted him...you'd be fucking raging. Right?

You'd be telling her to do whatever it took to get out.

Even if some upset woman got chatting to you at a bus stop and told you this, you'd be so angry on her behalf that someone had treated her that way.

So why don't you have that same love for yourself?

For years he's chipped away at you. Gaslighted, downplayed, denied and invalidated your feelings.

But your feelings are valid. And you matter just as much as any other woman in this situation. So find that love and kindness you have for others and turn it towards yourself.

You deserve a happy life.
And your kids deserve a happy mum, free from abuse. So that they grow up in turn, not accepting horrible partners thinking its normal.

It'll be a fight, for a while probably. But there's nothing in the world better than having your own space away from bullies and regaining your own self love.

yes, go to the police
keep in contact with womens aid and consider your options

but try and do the freedom programme soon, his behaviour will make much more sense to you then

good luck

You need to pretend you want to forgive him and move on but that you need to be able to go through his gallery and make sure its been deleted. Go through his "secure folder" too. Delete everything. There is zero chance he deleted it becuase you caught him.

Then throw him out.

Don't throw him out while he has videos of you on his phone. He's proven himself to be emotionally manipulative. You think he won't threaten to publish those videos?

Thats shocking. What on earth was he planning on doing with the footage.

The thing is, they could be uploaded to the cloud or posted somewhere so he may not be deleting everything. That's why the police need to get the phone ASAP.

Alternatively, get him out, and uf ge makes any threats, then go to the police. But its best to be preemptive about things tbh. This way you tell them what he's done and what he was like last time he left and they can warn him to stay away from you.

@Etoile1

Rather obviously - perhaps - if he has deleted it the position will be more difficult with the police. It may be possible for them to retrieve the video but I doubt - cynically perhaps - whether they would go so far.

You could use the "threat" of the police to get leverage to remove him.

You have sympathy at this difficult time.

Well I told him that what he did is voyeurism and that it is against the law, I even sent a link to him explaining.But he just said" I know, I read it" and perhaps not too bothered as he thinks I would never go to the police.
I think if I say I want you to go and if you don't I'll report it he won't think I am serious.
I have just looked online at how to report sexual offences to the police in my area.I can do it online or call 101, it goes to the same incident room.I think I will do this when I finish work on Monday and between now and then I will ask him to clarify about if the footage is deleted.I have a feeling he will lie even if he hasn't.Like others have said, prob not on camera roll now.

Planning to wank over it I think.He obviously got bored with his standard porn so made his own.He pretends he doesn't but I know he does it all the time.

If he smirked, I doubt he deleted it. Unless you saw him delete it, he probably squirreled it away somewhere and assumed as you're married, there's be no repercussions. I'd look into this properly.

I would be very worried about who he may have shared this with. Especially with him smirking about it.

Are you staying with him?

He may also post of online.

As horrible as it is to countenance, please consider that this might not be the first time he's violated your trust like this.

You may not know the extent of it, and I wonder if that's what the smirking was about.

Why's that then? Are you of the old 90s mentality that's it's ok to violate your own wife?

Categorically fuck you for this comment and the last one you posted as well. You are a disgrace. She's experienced abuse, it's against the law, she's not ok with it, and NOBODY needs YOUR opinion on the matter thank you very fucking much.

OP I can’t for the life of me understand how you did not insist on him handing over the phone so you could trawl and delete this and the other footage he probably has.

He sounds vile. Controlling, gaslighting, emotionally cold and manipulative. You need to leave him. And I would most likely go to the police so that they can seize the phone and help remove footage. I would not trust that this obsessive stalker wouldn’t use the film or photos for revenge purposes.

So sorry OP. You have to leave this horrible man at some point. May as well be after this.

💐

I wouldn't delete it, i'd take the phone straight to the police station.

At the time i was just so mortified I wasn't thinking straight about taking the phone.I actually threw it across the room and walked outu

The main thing here is if he would do it to you, he would also do it to your children. There is a huge market for these types of uploads on the web - he can make money from your humiliation and by victimizing your children. I would say especially if you have one or more daughters, but the market is huge for little boys too with all the pervert men out there. The fact that your husband smirked vs. showing true remorse, then cried fake tears to manipulate you is the part that is most worrisome.

Put your exit plan into action and be sure to use this in court as the reason he should not have unsupervised visitation with the children as he is showing signs of sexual deviancy and you want to make sure your children are protected from it.

Most everyone backs up their images and videos to the cloud automatically. Meaning she could delete it from the phone and it won't mean a thing. He could have also been livestreaming it to his freak friends which is very popular with men who do these types of things. Deleting images or video from a phone is useless. Best to take men's phones before any fun activities start and put them in a drawer on the other side of the room.