He filmed me without consent

[Etoile1]

Hi,New to posting on netmums but often look at threads about relationships etc.
Really hoping for some support.

I have been married for 10 years, together longer and 4 kids.It has been quite a difficult relationship for me as my spouse is very emotionally unavailable.I often feel lonely and unsupported.

A few weeks ago we were having sex and I felt that something wasn't right, he was filming me from behind without my consent.

I felt completely violated and in the moment I was very angry and said how can I trust you now.

After a few hours he appeared and said he was sorry but he had no explanation for why he did this.He also cried which he will often do if I bring up any conflict, it feels a bit manipulative.

After a week I addressed it again and calmly said that.... he knows I have body insecurities and I am being very vulnerable in these situations.He knows I would never agree to this and it also shows no respect towards me or my feelings.He just agreed and said he already said he was wrong, but he was kind of smirking as if he thinks it is amusing in some way.

It has really messed with my head, have been getting anxiety and nausea etc.I do not want him to touch me now and I feel insecure and betrayed by his behaviour and lack of remorse.He makes me feel like I am over reacting.

Definitely report him OP

I'm going to take that as a yes, you are of that 90s mentality.

We all see you.

Some of them should be.

He has violated your intimacy and privacy police divorce get him to delete explanation has he put it online

No it isn't. He isn't allowed to make these videos for himself without consent. There's nothing extreme about reporting a man who has done this.

It's probably in the deleted folder.
Either way if you want to get your anger back then report him and he'll most likely make you out to be a liar to the police and I'm sure you'll find your anger again.

When he starts up about wanting to harm himself then make sure you report that to the police too.

You will be most unlikely to get the truth out of him re the footage. I would assume its already online. And what kkloo wrote.

I would never trust him or have sex with him after that. Does he normally ignore your feelings in that way? Completely selfish awful behaviour.

@Etoile1 i really dint mean it harshly, but he already knows he can get away with doing illegal stuff Wo you going to the Police.

He knows he has managed to reign you in before with tears.

Hell just do it again because he is abusive and that’s what abusive men do.
And it’s also why you are currently finding it so hard to separate. Because he has walked all over your boundaries so many times that it feels normal to you and impossible to go against.

@MushroomStamp or.. some of us has been through similar situations and have first hand experience of what can happen.

People were suggesting reporting him to the police because voyeurism is a crime. Nothing to do with the children.

Stop building a strawman and focus on the crime he has committed.

We still see you.

He’s broken the fucking law. Engaging in sexual activity without consent is rape. OP did not consent to be filmed during sex. That’s rape.

Also OP, it’s incredibly bad luck he got caught the very first time he did it. I’m guessing it’s more likely it isn’t the first time.

He has broken the law, trampled all over your boundaries and is now pulling all the poor me shit, and it is shit.

So why are you trying to minimise his actions and defend him, @MushroomStamp? Anything you want to tell us/the police?

Don't confront him again regarding deleting it. It's best he doesn't if you're going to the police. Let them find it.

He's had ample time to delete it and be sorry. If he's done neither then I hope the police theiw the book at him. I mean tbf, they probably won't but, at least you'll know its deleted and there eill be record of his behaviour should he ever seek to hurt you or another woman in any way again.

The police might also tell him to stay away whilst things are investigated, giving you time to look into divorce and what do in terms of the house/moving and claiming child support etc.

Your point wasn't proven.

You said yourself that the OP knows him best.

The OP didn't describe a decent man who did this and she believed it to be out of character for him.

She said he cries when there's conflict, she detailed just how manipulative he was when she tried to split up with him previously, bombarding her with suicide threats, in the fallout of the her finding out he recorded her she said he smirked and that he wasn't showing remorse.

He sounds like an absolute scumbag who is very much capable of doing worse things.

I'm so sorry.

The filming alone would be it for me, but the smirking as well afterwards?

He has sexually abused you, he knows it, and he isn't sorry. It's just mildly inconvenient for him right now that he's been caught.

Whatever you decide, never have sex with him again. This man has contempt for you.

Honestly @Etoile1 you need to end this relationship. I would report him to the police. What he did is an offence and is utterly unforgivable.

I understand that you're scared of what his behaviour will be like when you end it. In all honesty he will probably try all the same tactics and more. You can't control what he does. You can only control how you react to it.

I think you would benefit from only communicating with him via a parenting app. That way all ths messages and communication will be recorded so you can use it in court if necessary.

I would tell him via text / email to only contact with regards to the children. That he can make this contact via the parenting app. You don't want to discuss anything else with him further and any other communication regarding divorce should be done via your solicitor. Any additional contact will be considered harassment and reported to the police. Then report it EVERY TIME.

Leaving an abusive relationship is so hard and often takes several attempts. Having an exit strategy in place is really helpful. I think it also helps to have a list of people and places you can get support from handy. @Etoile1 are you currently having therapy? It might help to have someone external to discuss everything with and get external emotional support.

@Pinkbonbon I have seen that smirk before. One of the ways I realised that I my ex had gone from disrespecting me, to having some sort of underlying contempt or resentment towards me was I caught him smirking like that. One of them was in the last few months of our relationship, where I was at a point where I thought I had to learn to trust him again, to feel like I can be vulnerable around him again. Something came up which I knew would be a bit of a test for this, and he failed it. I looked at his face, and there was that smirk.

I would go and see a family solicitor. Explain the whole thing and ask what your options are.

The sol will tell you what you can and cannot do. Personally I would report this to the police and get a restraining order from a solicitor. Then divorce and full custody.

The report to the police may be useful in a future custody battle if nothing else.

Also remember- it’s true. Why shouldn’t you tell the police the truth?

Get that creep divorced and report him to the police, I had similar where my ex shared round nude pictures of me, it was so humiliating

Not on. Sorry OP but if it were me it'd be job done at this point. How can you trust him again after this? I'd be worried its a kink and that he could hide cameras in the room if he wanted.
If you want to fix then it needs some pretty intense counselling and you would be a lot more understanding/forgiving than I would.
I'm sorry this has happened to you, well done for giving him a hard time. Please triple check yourself that the video has been deleted (and cannot be recalled from a recently deleted folder if its an iPhone). Trust your gut on the crocodile tears, don't be manipulated by this. Who knows what he would have done with the video.

I also know that smirk. My ex warned me he would take the children if I ever left him.
He poisoned my child against me, framing me as a monster when I was fighting so hard and was the default parent. She left to live with her dad and refused to come home... I went round to try and talk to her and she refused. He was stood outside, smoking a cigarette, he turned to me, took a long drag of it and smirked.

He poisoned her against me so well, that she even chose not to come to Disney land, a trio I'd spent 18 months saving up for.

That smirk haunts me. It is their true face. The face of an evil monster.

Why, don’t you understand what a crime is? Do you think he has some kind of ownership over her body? Does it not matter that she feels so violated and hurt by this? And also how the fuck is she even meant to know if he’d keep it to himself or not, or is that just the risk you think women owe creepy men for some reason?

Just want to say thanks to all that commented yesterday,I feel alot clearer.Much appreciated.

@Etoile1 how are you feeling? Are you going to contact the police tomorrow? 💐