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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He filmed me without consent

119 replies

Etoile1 · 15/06/2024 16:08

Hi,New to posting on netmums but often look at threads about relationships etc.
Really hoping for some support.

I have been married for 10 years, together longer and 4 kids.It has been quite a difficult relationship for me as my spouse is very emotionally unavailable.I often feel lonely and unsupported.

A few weeks ago we were having sex and I felt that something wasn't right, he was filming me from behind without my consent.

I felt completely violated and in the moment I was very angry and said how can I trust you now.

After a few hours he appeared and said he was sorry but he had no explanation for why he did this.He also cried which he will often do if I bring up any conflict, it feels a bit manipulative.

After a week I addressed it again and calmly said that.... he knows I have body insecurities and I am being very vulnerable in these situations.He knows I would never agree to this and it also shows no respect towards me or my feelings.He just agreed and said he already said he was wrong, but he was kind of smirking as if he thinks it is amusing in some way.

It has really messed with my head, have been getting anxiety and nausea etc.I do not want him to touch me now and I feel insecure and betrayed by his behaviour and lack of remorse.He makes me feel like I am over reacting.

OP posts:
HoHoHoliday · 15/06/2024 18:10

He violated you - your body and your trust. If it were me I don't think I could trust him again, which would mean the relationship is over. I'm sorry this happened to you. Do you have any support available from family or friends - anyone that could help you have a break to take stock of life?

Babadook76 · 15/06/2024 18:11

I’d have had him straight out of the house considering there’s 4 kids in there. I know being a sex offender doesn’t mean that you must be a pedofile, but given that he’s committing sex offences against his own wife, I wouldn’t be taking any chances at all tbh. He’d make my skin crawl every time he even looked at one of my children

Pinkbonbon · 15/06/2024 18:13

Always a dead give away you're dealing with evil when they smirk at your distress. He likes the fact that he's made you feel violated.

I would report it to the police. I doubt it will go anywhere unfortunately but its important to have it on record.

I'll bet you've spent ten years thinking if only I could find the right words to make him understand how hurtful his behaviour is. Rather than recgonisng there are no right words. He.enjoys.hurting.you.

You arent his wife, you're his victim.

Time to get away from this monster.

CommeUneVacheEspagnole · 15/06/2024 18:19

Hi OP. I hope you're ok. This is a really difficult time and I think the fact that this is an illegal activity shows just how valid your feelings are. People have met and decided to pass a law because this is so wrong.

I don't have advice on how to proceed. I understand why you may feel the need to stay or wondering what's right. He cries because it suits him. He will know his actions are wrong when doing them but is only concerned of the consequences once caught. He is smug to not be concerned by them because he thinks he is above them.

Wishing you all the best in dealing with this.

Original poster
Etoile1 · 15/06/2024 18:31

HoHoHoliday · 15/06/2024 18:10

He violated you - your body and your trust. If it were me I don't think I could trust him again, which would mean the relationship is over. I'm sorry this happened to you. Do you have any support available from family or friends - anyone that could help you have a break to take stock of life?

My mum doesn't live near but supportive on the phone.I do the most of the child care etc, he works 6 days a week and long hours.So I can't really have a bit of time out to gather my thoughts.But talking it through is helping.I work every day m-f and have been completely distracted this week.

OP posts:
Original poster
Etoile1 · 15/06/2024 18:32

Pinkbonbon · 15/06/2024 18:13

Always a dead give away you're dealing with evil when they smirk at your distress. He likes the fact that he's made you feel violated.

I would report it to the police. I doubt it will go anywhere unfortunately but its important to have it on record.

I'll bet you've spent ten years thinking if only I could find the right words to make him understand how hurtful his behaviour is. Rather than recgonisng there are no right words. He.enjoys.hurting.you.

You arent his wife, you're his victim.

Time to get away from this monster.

Yeah I didn't understand the smirk either

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 15/06/2024 18:33

He also cried which he will often do if I bring up any conflict, it feels a bit manipulative.
It’s very, very manipulative. It’s his way of keeping you quiet and obedient.

said he already said he was wrong, but he was kind of smirking as if he thinks it is amusing in some way.
There you go. That’s how upset he really is. Smirking.

Original poster
Etoile1 · 15/06/2024 18:33

Babadook76 · 15/06/2024 18:11

I’d have had him straight out of the house considering there’s 4 kids in there. I know being a sex offender doesn’t mean that you must be a pedofile, but given that he’s committing sex offences against his own wife, I wouldn’t be taking any chances at all tbh. He’d make my skin crawl every time he even looked at one of my children

Thankyou for this point of view, I hadn't thought of it quite like that

OP posts:
Original poster
Etoile1 · 15/06/2024 18:36

I think the thing that has hit me most with the post is that I have only said about this one incident because of the sexual nature of it.The emotional /control side of things definetely bad too.I am realising that calling it a day is completely reasonable with the video incident alone.

OP posts:
BirthdayRainbow · 15/06/2024 18:38

Etoile1 · 15/06/2024 18:31

My mum doesn't live near but supportive on the phone.I do the most of the child care etc, he works 6 days a week and long hours.So I can't really have a bit of time out to gather my thoughts.But talking it through is helping.I work every day m-f and have been completely distracted this week.

Show quote history

You can ask him to leave so you have can time to think. That's what I did with my husband when I needed space.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 15/06/2024 18:43

After a few hours he appeared and said he was sorry but he had no explanation for why he did this

Seriously? THAT'S his excuse??

Bollocks he doesn't have an explanation. And it's this

And going by other posters on here’s experiences, there’s a very good chance those videos of you are online

haveatye · 15/06/2024 18:44

Are you financially dependent on him, or could your career cover your expenses if you left? Unfortunately reporting to police and charges etc could see him lose his job, women's aid would be able to advise on this but it could impact you as well.

Just something to bear in mind. I'm not sure how often these cases go to trial if it's a he said/she said on consent. Not diminishing the seriousness of it at all.

I'd also be wary of what he might do if the usual crying act doesn't get the required result. He'd be looking for another way to manipulate you. Your safety is paramount.

haveatye · 15/06/2024 18:48

Etoile1 · 15/06/2024 18:36

I think the thing that has hit me most with the post is that I have only said about this one incident because of the sexual nature of it.The emotional /control side of things definetely bad too.I am realising that calling it a day is completely reasonable with the video incident alone.

Sounds every time he doesn't get his way, he goes to:

  1. Crying
  2. Oh my trauma
  3. My dad committed suicide
  4. I'll do the same if you don't capitulate

Trauma is awful, but it's not a licence to have everything your own way for your whole life.

He doesn't have to be a complete monster with no good sides for you to leave him. It just has to be a relationship that doesn't work for you.

Pinkbonbon · 15/06/2024 18:49

Etoile1 · 15/06/2024 18:32

Yeah I didn't understand the smirk either

Show quote history

Because you're a decent human being.

We don't tend to smirk at other people's pain. Unless maybe it's a boss we really can't stand that's just fell on their ass or something (even then we'd probably feel a bit guilty about it). But nasty people like to smirk at other peoples pain and distress. Even more so if they enjoy causing it.

So if he does that under awful circumstances...

Aquamarine1029 · 15/06/2024 18:54

Your only reasonable option is to leave this man and you need to do so now. Literally as soon as humanly possible. Kick him out if you can. He is a very dangerous man.

haveatye · 15/06/2024 18:54

Pinkbonbon · 15/06/2024 18:49

Because you're a decent human being.

We don't tend to smirk at other people's pain. Unless maybe it's a boss we really can't stand that's just fell on their ass or something (even then we'd probably feel a bit guilty about it). But nasty people like to smirk at other peoples pain and distress. Even more so if they enjoy causing it.

So if he does that under awful circumstances...

Show quote history

Or he could have been smirking like 'ah, if you only knew' eg that he's done it before, accesses videos like that all the time, etc

Aquamarine1029 · 15/06/2024 18:56

To add, I would bet my house he has recorded you before. I genuinely wish you would go to the police.

Pinkbonbon · 15/06/2024 18:59

Yeah I think I'd want the police to check his phone. Don't forewarn him. Just go.

Once you're away from him, get a claim in for cms ASAP

Original poster
Etoile1 · 15/06/2024 19:00

haveatye · 15/06/2024 18:44

Are you financially dependent on him, or could your career cover your expenses if you left? Unfortunately reporting to police and charges etc could see him lose his job, women's aid would be able to advise on this but it could impact you as well.

Just something to bear in mind. I'm not sure how often these cases go to trial if it's a he said/she said on consent. Not diminishing the seriousness of it at all.

I'd also be wary of what he might do if the usual crying act doesn't get the required result. He'd be looking for another way to manipulate you. Your safety is paramount.

I am dependant financially on him to an extent but I do pay towards things too.When I managed to seperate for a short time a few years ago I could manage on my wage and the benefits I was entitled to without him.
You say about if his usual reaction doesn't work... last time I packed his bags and put them in the garage and locked him out.He slept in there for a few nights thinking I would give in.
He then found a place to stay but weeks of what I can only describe as stalking followed.Constant calls,messages,24/7,crying, guilt triping,saying he might hurt himself.It completely broke my mental health and literally ended up on antidepressants, couldn't cope and let him back- more fool me.So I suppose I am at the back of my mind scared of the outcome when I rock the boat again

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 15/06/2024 19:00

Google how to find hidden cameras and devices too and check your bedroom and bathroom for them. Just incase.

Pinkbonbon · 15/06/2024 19:05

If he goes stalkery again, report it all to the police.

Threats to kill himself you don't reply to. Just speak with the police ASAP and they can send an ambulance out to him. He'll soon stop that shit if he gets caught wasting police time.

Don't reply to anythibg unless it's about the kids, block him on everything apart from one burner phone, never let him in your home, do any child drop offs in a public place or have a relative do them if possible. Speak with the national stalking helpline if relevant. And pursue cms.

Always remeber they take kindness or compromise ad weakness. And they attack weakness. Giving in won't make your life easier in the long term. Get him gone and stand firm.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 15/06/2024 19:06

' I can only describe as stalking followed.Constant calls,messages,24/7,crying, guilt triping,saying he might hurt himself.It completely broke my mental health and literally ended up on antidepressants, couldn't cope and let him back '

this time tho you know what to expect from him, forewarned is forearmed

and you are bigger and stronger now, and you can do it...

Pinkbonbon · 15/06/2024 19:06

*as weakness

BobbyBiscuits · 15/06/2024 19:07

He did not seem sincere about the implications of what he did. Filming someone against their consent during sex or nudity is a gross violation.
If I were you I'd ask him to leave. Give him a couple of weeks to get something sorted, then change the locks. You could threaten him with the police over the video if he won't budge. Then once he's gone you can report him if you wish. The children don't need to know the exact reasons, there are many i'd imagine. They will be happier with two parents apart if your husband is treating you this way.
I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Pinkbonbon · 15/06/2024 19:09

I don't think I'd give him notice. He's dangerous.

Just go to the police and let them deal with it.