I've cheated

[BoyMom24]

I'm aware I'm going to get absolutely slated for this and I a million percent deserve it. It might be quite long so thank you if you stay with me.

I am not married, I have a long term partner of five years, we have a 2yo. He works full time, I am a SAHM mum for the time being though a qualified HCP. He provides financially for us and as far as he is concerned we have a very good relationship. However for the last 18 months or so I've been utterly miserable. He showsw absolutely no affection, no intimacy and lack of respect. He treats me like a maid, does nothing around the house or with childcare. No cooking, no cleaning, nothing. Yes he works full time but he says because he works he doesn't need to help out at home and "it's my job"..

We have not had proper sex for almost two years. He never instigates it with me, and if I instigate i get turned down so I stopped trying. Though he is happy to demand oral at anytime and if I refuse he kicks off. There is little affection and I just feel like he is disgusted by me although when I have asked him why we don't have a sexual relationship he doesn't really have an answer just says he can't be bothered, is tired etc I've convinced myself he is not attracted to me although when I have asked he is adamant that's not the reason. This jas left me feeling undesirable and just miserable and frustrated. Our relationship is very much he wears the trousers and I'm expected to just follow along for his wants and needs. He is a good man deep down and is a good dad when he actually does spend time with DS which is rare and I do love him very much, even after all this the thought of not having him in my life panics me.

Anyway, I have a friend/neighbour, I've known him for a while and weve always got on very well and became close friends, as far as I was concerned up until recently it was a very platonic friendship and we confided in each other over the years of our relationship woes and such and he has been in a similar position as me for quite some time.

The other day he made a comment to me about finding me attractive and always has and that I'm girlfriend material etc etc. we passed some flirtatious messages back and forth. The next day he knocked on door while partner was at work and was very forward with his thoughts and intentions, I originally declined his offer and off he went. Anyway he has been very persistent over the last couple days and a the long and short is that we ended up having sex with each other.

I feel absolutely disgusted and sick to my stomach about it and wracked with guilt. Yes we have our issues but I know that this would break my partners heart and he would be devastated and I know our relationship would be over. Other blocked GF is very paranoid and from what I hear is already suspicious of our friendship and I feel if she was to find out she would waste no time in telling my partner. Which in fairness I couldn't blame her. But now I'm absolutely panicking. I know what I've done is wrong and I can't believe I've actually done it. I always said I would never be that person who cheats but on the other hand it felt so good to be physically desired and wanted by someone and just be actually touched by some one in an intimate way after such a long time felt good, it's a bonus that me and this person get on so well also as we do have a connection.

I've made it clear to neighbour that this is a one off and I do not wish to do it again and he has said that he wants it to happen again and he likes me alot and has made hints of us one day in the future being an item, I've made it clear I've no intention to leavey partner and that this was infact just a physical thing for me.

I don't know what to do. I feel so guilty and also so scared because I feel like these things always come out in the end and I'm dreading the day it does. I could own up and risk everything, I know my partner will chuck me out, I'll have nowhere to go with a toddler in tow and I'm completely financially dependant on my partner. Or I say nothing and hope he never finds out and live with the guilt.

Can anyone offer any advice. I know I'll get absolutely slated for this but I had to say all this somewhere.

Please stop beating yourself up. I don’t agree with cheating (and neither do you), but relationships are complex and it sounds like things have been lacking for a long time and you’re clearly in a vulnerable place. Why not get some counselling so you can talk through what’s happening in your relationship and make some decisions about your future

Thank you. I have suggested it in the last bit he does not think it is needed as he doesn't think anything is wrong despite me telling him I'm not happy and the reasons why.

I think there’s a bigger mess than you cheating here.

Why has your dp rejected you for nearly 2 years and been distant/moody? It sounds like he’s already well into an affair of his own. Even if he isn’t, your relationship is in a very bad state. Don’t confess what you’ve done.

The other major problem is that your “friend” seems to be pretty forceful in his pursuit of sex/more sex with you. You do need to find a way to shut that down immediately.

Honestly, you need to leave him. Whether or not you end up with the neighbour, this only happened because you aren’t getting what you need in a relationship from him.

You say he does nothing around the house, refuses sex (so you’re meant to be celibate and unfulfilled forever?!) and, as much as you love him, it’s obviously not a happy nor fulfilling relationship for you.

Let the fact you cheated be the moment of clarity that your relationship is already over but you just haven’t admitted it to yourself yet.

Yes I think you could be right. Thank you

I don't think he is having his own affairs, I don't know where he would find the time, although he goes on several lads trips a year so I'm unaware of what he gets upto on these trips but he's never given me reason to believe he is being unfaithful.

Bugger. Was this in the marital bed if you know what I mean.

I think any chance of getting away with it is slim because the other man is a neighbour and the chances of your partner finding out are massive. Plus he wants more of you so now you've said no he may make sure your partner finds out.

This is what I'm scared of, he's made it clear his relationship is dead on the water and they are only together for convineince of the house and kids. He's made it clear he's not arsed about being found out and we will deal with it if and when anyone finds out.

Right. Stop this now. Don't let yourself be alone with him.

Don't tell your partner but FFS go & get counselling, for you both or just yourself if he won't participate.

Lastly, if accused of anything, deny, deny, deny.

Your partner shows no affection, no intimacy and lack of respect. He treats you like a maid, does nothing around the house or with childcare. He rarely spends time with your son. He expects you to conform to his wants and needs. He demands oral sex and gets angry when you don't provide it. He goes on several lads holidays a year.

Deep down he isn't a good man or a good dad.

He sounds horrible OP.

The other man isn't decent either is he. He's knocking on a neighbour's door asking for sex whilst he's in a relationship and knows that you are.

This sounds like it will end in disaster and I feel that you should put all your efforts into thinking of plan B for you and your son.

Sort childcare. Go back to work. Start making plans to leave. What you did was wrong of course but you know that. The bigger problem is that your partner is a horrible man and useless father and you need to leave.

Yes I could deny it but it's in the hope that other guy has deleted the messages between us as he said he had and we have been chatting via Snapchat so it cannot be saved..I told him if his gf finds out and approaches me i will have to deny it as hopefully she will have no proof.

You've several problems-

1. Your husbands an arse (he's not a 'good' man or father if he let's you do everything for the home and baby and treats you with dusgust). Your relationship has been over for years.

1. Your neighbour is a creep who sensed your vulnerability, exploited it and, won't leave you alone.

1. You've cheated so it's going to be a more difficult split.

But it is time to split. And move out. Your neighbour is an actual threat to you. Seriously. He doesn't listen to 'no'.

End your relationship and go stay with family, get a claim in for child support. You don't need to mention the cheating. But you do need to move out.

God, your partner sounds awful. It's ok to admit that. Stop with all this 'he's good man deep down' no he's not. And if he is it doesn't matter because he's not showing it in anyway?!

I'd have cheated on him too. And would feel no guilt.

I do feel terrible for the man's girlfriend tho. I'd end things with your partner, move on with your child and sometime in the future work towards finding someone decent and sexy!

Once again the ugly double standards of MN rear their head. Obviously you'd be giving OPs partner exactly the same advice if he had just posted the same thing..

Goodness, it didn’t take long did it.a few days and you slept with him? Your neighbour? There is a whole lot of reasons justifying it laid out, and if a woman posted about her husband cheating on her. It would not be all well he had cause.

on saying that though. Doing your neighbour was incredibly risky and this isn’t going to go away.

are you going to sleep with him again? If he is as persuasive as last time?

No definitely not. I immediately regretted it.

I mean this gently. But did you not say that the first time.

"He is a good man deep down and is a good dad"

He's not.

Look your OH sounds like a dickhead. And you should leave. I am sure his version is very different. But it’s obvious you shouldn’t be together.

It’s all well and good saying ‘neighbour was persistent’ but you could have told him to get out. You had sex with another man in your shared home. You are a sahm, I am going to guess (hope) your child wasn’t there. But how would you be feeling if the roles were reversed?

Why are you staying? Why do you care if he finds out? He is awful.

He is awful. You also did something awful. Just get yourself sorted and leave. Let’s be honest, you didn’t throw your neighbour out the minute he crossed a line. You won’t next time. And it’s likely this will end with you being found out and all the drama that comes with that? Get yourself back to work and then leave.

Or if you can go to your parents or somewhere, while you sort yourself out, leave sooner.

I hate responses on threads like these. You have to get your ear in to the OP’s world and situation. She sounds like quite a vulnerable character to me, being treated badly by two men. OP your morals sound in order but I think you’re being manipulated on all sides here. You need to leave and find a gentler life altogether, away from men who want to hold power over you. Don’t blame yourself for normal human urges in the midst of what sounds a very hard and loveless life.

You also said that you would definitely never cheat.

This.

No blame here. You're blaming yourself enough.

Forget about the sexless relationship for now and focus on the issue of the day. Could any neighbours have seen? DO you or someone else have a ring doorbell? Theres a good reason we have the phrase dont shit where you eat.

Im afraid to say i think youre fked on keeping this one hidden as its far too close to home, the other fella has nothing to lose and sounds like hed be glad of an out of his own relationship. You may have to spare your man some dignity and tell him yourself rather than it come from anyone else.

Yes this is what I'm struggling with. Iv never cheated and never had a desire to do so. I'm not secretive or deceitful in nature and I'm very shy and I lack alot of confidence. Cheating is something prior to now that I would never have imagined myself doing. However I have now found myself in this situation.