I've cheated

[BoyMom24]

I'm aware I'm going to get absolutely slated for this and I a million percent deserve it. It might be quite long so thank you if you stay with me.

I am not married, I have a long term partner of five years, we have a 2yo. He works full time, I am a SAHM mum for the time being though a qualified HCP. He provides financially for us and as far as he is concerned we have a very good relationship. However for the last 18 months or so I've been utterly miserable. He showsw absolutely no affection, no intimacy and lack of respect. He treats me like a maid, does nothing around the house or with childcare. No cooking, no cleaning, nothing. Yes he works full time but he says because he works he doesn't need to help out at home and "it's my job"..

We have not had proper sex for almost two years. He never instigates it with me, and if I instigate i get turned down so I stopped trying. Though he is happy to demand oral at anytime and if I refuse he kicks off. There is little affection and I just feel like he is disgusted by me although when I have asked him why we don't have a sexual relationship he doesn't really have an answer just says he can't be bothered, is tired etc I've convinced myself he is not attracted to me although when I have asked he is adamant that's not the reason. This jas left me feeling undesirable and just miserable and frustrated. Our relationship is very much he wears the trousers and I'm expected to just follow along for his wants and needs. He is a good man deep down and is a good dad when he actually does spend time with DS which is rare and I do love him very much, even after all this the thought of not having him in my life panics me.

Anyway, I have a friend/neighbour, I've known him for a while and weve always got on very well and became close friends, as far as I was concerned up until recently it was a very platonic friendship and we confided in each other over the years of our relationship woes and such and he has been in a similar position as me for quite some time.

The other day he made a comment to me about finding me attractive and always has and that I'm girlfriend material etc etc. we passed some flirtatious messages back and forth. The next day he knocked on door while partner was at work and was very forward with his thoughts and intentions, I originally declined his offer and off he went. Anyway he has been very persistent over the last couple days and a the long and short is that we ended up having sex with each other.

I feel absolutely disgusted and sick to my stomach about it and wracked with guilt. Yes we have our issues but I know that this would break my partners heart and he would be devastated and I know our relationship would be over. Other blocked GF is very paranoid and from what I hear is already suspicious of our friendship and I feel if she was to find out she would waste no time in telling my partner. Which in fairness I couldn't blame her. But now I'm absolutely panicking. I know what I've done is wrong and I can't believe I've actually done it. I always said I would never be that person who cheats but on the other hand it felt so good to be physically desired and wanted by someone and just be actually touched by some one in an intimate way after such a long time felt good, it's a bonus that me and this person get on so well also as we do have a connection.

I've made it clear to neighbour that this is a one off and I do not wish to do it again and he has said that he wants it to happen again and he likes me alot and has made hints of us one day in the future being an item, I've made it clear I've no intention to leavey partner and that this was infact just a physical thing for me.

I don't know what to do. I feel so guilty and also so scared because I feel like these things always come out in the end and I'm dreading the day it does. I could own up and risk everything, I know my partner will chuck me out, I'll have nowhere to go with a toddler in tow and I'm completely financially dependant on my partner. Or I say nothing and hope he never finds out and live with the guilt.

Can anyone offer any advice. I know I'll get absolutely slated for this but I had to say all this somewhere.

Jesus wept!

Are you suggesting she implied she was raped? Coerced into sex she didn’t want?

No
.I want to make this clear. I was fully aware of what I was doing and in agreement. Perhaps I have been naive into thinking he actually found me desirable when in fact he just wanted a leg over.

Yes I wasn’t suggesting you had said that

But that’s what the other poster seemed to be saying.

That’s disgusting. Some women are actually assaulted/raped. To tell OP to make it sound like this is fucking vile to actual victims. And also, this neighbour sounds like a creep bastard, but nothing here says OP didn’t consent.

It's an awful position to be in. I can't understand why the partner was so cold sexually but thats still not a green light to sleep with the neighbour, but the OP knows that anyway. Perhaps let sleeping dogs lie and deal with the truth if and when it comes out. But its kind of an impossible situation - any hope of sorting out the relationship with the partner is now scuppered cos of this dirty secret, so what to do, get it out in the open and work it through? Keep it hidden and work it through? End the relationship? Theres too much going on, I hope the OP sorts something out.

@BoyMom24 I don’t want to sound dramatic, but I would be considering moving if I wanted to keep my relationship together. You need distance from this man or you’ll forever be on edge.

Op.

Put the cheating aside for a second and concentrate on your currently relationship. Your partner is an arsehole and you need to leave. Go back to work asap and get out of this situation.

As for the other guy you slept with. I don't condone cheating but your partner is a horrible man.

I'd call this an exit shag - not really an affair as such and I suspect he knew you'd aquiess under a bit of pressure , and we're basically ripe for it, as you have given him all the info he needed about your relationship issues. I wouldn't trust OM as a prospective parter, I think you know this.
But really, if this is what it takes to get you out of a bad relationship then maybe good is served. At the moment, you seem to want to stick all the more in a dead relationship, hopefully you'll feel better after a while.
I have little sympathy for any man who refuses sex but demands oral. That is truely disgusting, disrespectful and is abusive and just using you. I'd have no trouble in refusing that, let him sulk.
This is just a symptom, you need to separate. I'd say its pointless to try and fix it as it takes 2 and he's not been trying.
Get practical, look into nursery care and go back to work at least parr time, then you will be in a better position to manage independently.

Can you imagine a man coming on here saying he shagged his neighbour in his wife's bed, but the neighbour talked her way in and took advantage of him and he was vulnerable. Fuck my life.

Your partner is emotionally blackmailing you into oral sex. That is coercive control and sexual abuse. Get out, get a job, get boundaries.

Your oh so friendly and understanding neighbour has manipulated you into sleeping with him - he's seen how sad and vulnerable you are and taken absolute advantage of your situation. A pp was right you are being played by both of these awful men. Your partner sounds as if he's checked out of the relationship and your neighbour is a predator. Maybe counselling on your own would be beneficial, you're worth more than these 2 leeches.

Your husband does NOT sound like a good man or a father. He sounds horrible, disrespectful, misogynistic, and most definitely doesn’t love you. He is vile. It’s not a relationship worth saving.

The neighbour doesn’t sound good either.

You sound vulnerable and I don’t think it’s too hard to understand why you desired to be desired and to feel good for a bit. I can only imagine what years of abuse will do you. So I would try to find compassion for yourself if you can.

On a practical level, you need to protect yourself as things could get messy. I would hope that it’s not in the neighbour’s interest to disclose the affair as he’s also in a relationship and also lives next to your husband. So hopefully things can stay under the wraps. Assert yourself with the neighbour and avoid further interaction.

I agree with others that I’d treat this as an ‘exit shag’ a catalyst for a change and plan to leave your horrible husband. Then start the healing journey, therapy if you can afford it can also be helpful.

Your relationship was clearly in a bad place but what you have done is so selfish and dangerous. You have behaved like an absolute idiot.

You have a small child, have fucked your neighbour, who you are close enough to swap favours with and childcare in your home you share with your partner and child. After being in somewhat of an emotional affair.

Sorry, but if you were a man whos wife wasn't engaging in sex the answers wouldn't be oh you sound so vulnerable, and the woman sounds like an absolute vixen who manipulated the poor man into sticking his dick in her.

Honestly with the closeness of this, the fact you both have small children in each home. Keep your mouth shut, pray she doesn't find out and land at your door. Not because you or he deserve for it to stay hidden, but because you have a small child with a man, who s neighbour has been smiling in his face while trying and now having gotten his leg over with you. That's enough to send people into crazy type of territory. Same for his wife.

Start taking responsibility for your life. No one has forced you to stay in a relationship you werent happy in. And the fact you have risked bringing this much danger and potential carnage to your child's home because you wanted to feel wanted is pathetic.

Get back to work, move as soon as you can and seperate. Then work on your self esteem because what you did is so low, I would want to sink through the floor with shame. Which ultimately is only going to countinue throwing you into unhealthy toxic attention seeking behaviour.

And how you feel now, isnt worth feeling for anyone.

What was your 2yo doing whilst you were shagging your neighbour? I'm just curious trying to imagine when my dc was 2yo where he didn't nap at all and no way in hell I would have had time for cheating even if I wanted to. Just to let you know before you go elbow deep, your ndn also sounds like a piece of shit. Best advice is sort your exit from your DH and avoid your ndn at all costs even if you do split from your DH.

Honestly with the closeness of this, the fact you both have small children in each home. Keep your mouth shut, pray she doesn't find out and land at your door. Not because you or he deserve for it to stay hidden, but because you have a small child with a man, who s neighbour has been smiling in his face while trying and now having gotten his leg over with you. That's enough to send people into crazy type of territory. Same for his wife.

This would totally be my worry. You've got the lover's wife and your own partner who may go totally apeshit if they find out. All within a few doors of each other. Not good at all. I'd be most surprised if another third party neighbour hadn't cottoned on as well.

Totally agree. I lost a partner for less. A man posting this would be absolutely roasted x

Blimey, you'd have to hope the neighbours don't all have ring doorbells or cctv. 🫤

OP, you should get yourself tested to check you haven't picked up anything nasty from the Neighbour.

You need to leave your boyfriends ASAP and you definitely should have sex with him again.

You're not married and you don't have a job, which means you are completely dependent on this man and this relationship. So you decided to shit where you eat by screwing a neighbour who is also in a relationship. You couldn't have done something stupider if you tried.

You're going to have to look at getting a job and start saving up because if the shit hits the fan you're going to be fucked. Never trap yourself in a relationship like this. Always make sure you have the ability to walk away from a bad one.

And your probably completely panicking and frozen now with the reality of what you have done.

Don't let that make you wait for the other shoe to drop. You will be living in a state of anxiety which will pour into every part of your life.

Start making a plan like tomorrow and take control.

You sound like you were very unhappy and have been for a while
Maybe take some time to look at what you really want out of life
And also take the time to plan what would be the best thing and the right thing for you to do
It's never easy but unfortunately sometimes we get caught up in a moment and everyone wants to be there anted and to feel like they are important
Do you have any friends or family who know you that you could talk too

Leave him lovely. You wouldn't have done it if you were happy and fulfilled. Don't beat yourself up, just use it to take some time out. Stay with family or friends until you either work things out or start fresh on your own 💕 xx

Get rid of both these creeps and focus on yourself.

You have emotional needs and other needs too that weren’t being met. Just stay quiet about it

@BoyMom24 We have not had proper sex for almost two years. He never instigates it with me, and if I instigate i get turned down so I stopped trying. Though he is happy to demand oral at anytime and if I refuse he kicks off. There is little affection and I just feel like he is disgusted by me although when I have asked him why we don't have a sexual relationship he doesn't really have an answer just says he can't be bothered, is tired etc

While I agree he has completely the wrong attitude, please note that it's normal for a man's sex drive to decline drastically in their 30s and older. It's a very common social phenomenon that no one seems to talk about.

Sounds like the Neighbour situation was a catalyst. You’re miserable because your DH is abusive and you are lonely. The Neighbour knows this and preyed on your vulnerabilities. I think you need to contact women’s aid and get entirely out of the area.