I've cheated

[BoyMom24]

I'm aware I'm going to get absolutely slated for this and I a million percent deserve it. It might be quite long so thank you if you stay with me.

I am not married, I have a long term partner of five years, we have a 2yo. He works full time, I am a SAHM mum for the time being though a qualified HCP. He provides financially for us and as far as he is concerned we have a very good relationship. However for the last 18 months or so I've been utterly miserable. He showsw absolutely no affection, no intimacy and lack of respect. He treats me like a maid, does nothing around the house or with childcare. No cooking, no cleaning, nothing. Yes he works full time but he says because he works he doesn't need to help out at home and "it's my job"..

We have not had proper sex for almost two years. He never instigates it with me, and if I instigate i get turned down so I stopped trying. Though he is happy to demand oral at anytime and if I refuse he kicks off. There is little affection and I just feel like he is disgusted by me although when I have asked him why we don't have a sexual relationship he doesn't really have an answer just says he can't be bothered, is tired etc I've convinced myself he is not attracted to me although when I have asked he is adamant that's not the reason. This jas left me feeling undesirable and just miserable and frustrated. Our relationship is very much he wears the trousers and I'm expected to just follow along for his wants and needs. He is a good man deep down and is a good dad when he actually does spend time with DS which is rare and I do love him very much, even after all this the thought of not having him in my life panics me.

Anyway, I have a friend/neighbour, I've known him for a while and weve always got on very well and became close friends, as far as I was concerned up until recently it was a very platonic friendship and we confided in each other over the years of our relationship woes and such and he has been in a similar position as me for quite some time.

The other day he made a comment to me about finding me attractive and always has and that I'm girlfriend material etc etc. we passed some flirtatious messages back and forth. The next day he knocked on door while partner was at work and was very forward with his thoughts and intentions, I originally declined his offer and off he went. Anyway he has been very persistent over the last couple days and a the long and short is that we ended up having sex with each other.

I feel absolutely disgusted and sick to my stomach about it and wracked with guilt. Yes we have our issues but I know that this would break my partners heart and he would be devastated and I know our relationship would be over. Other blocked GF is very paranoid and from what I hear is already suspicious of our friendship and I feel if she was to find out she would waste no time in telling my partner. Which in fairness I couldn't blame her. But now I'm absolutely panicking. I know what I've done is wrong and I can't believe I've actually done it. I always said I would never be that person who cheats but on the other hand it felt so good to be physically desired and wanted by someone and just be actually touched by some one in an intimate way after such a long time felt good, it's a bonus that me and this person get on so well also as we do have a connection.

I've made it clear to neighbour that this is a one off and I do not wish to do it again and he has said that he wants it to happen again and he likes me alot and has made hints of us one day in the future being an item, I've made it clear I've no intention to leavey partner and that this was infact just a physical thing for me.

I don't know what to do. I feel so guilty and also so scared because I feel like these things always come out in the end and I'm dreading the day it does. I could own up and risk everything, I know my partner will chuck me out, I'll have nowhere to go with a toddler in tow and I'm completely financially dependant on my partner. Or I say nothing and hope he never finds out and live with the guilt.

Can anyone offer any advice. I know I'll get absolutely slated for this but I had to say all this somewhere.

Sorry but any bloke who wants blow jobs on demand but offers no other form of intimacy had it coming. You can do better than both of them, you just need to figure out how. Don't let the finances be a barrier. I'd rather get on benefits than put up with that.

You need to go back to work. And you need to split up from your partner. I'd be the one to leave in your shoes. Are your parents close? Time to work out how to make a clean slate. The past is the past but you alone are responsible for your own happiness. And your relationship is dead. This is your exit.

I'll be sure to give this advice to the next man that comes on here that's fucking someone in his wife's bed. Mumsnets double standards is absolutely shocking on this thread.

I’m just finding myself wondering where your toddler was if you are able to just open the door and have sex with the neighbour?!

Normally I'd be slating the double standards on MN but I'll keep it simple...

It sounds like you're just with your partner for safety/security. He's not offering you anything else.

Start making plans to leave. Even if it's council stuff, just go, you're not happy. Do you have any friends or family you can move in with?

Might be an unpopular opinion but I think you need to leave this man for his sake and yours.

There are wider issues here - you are not working and unmarried. This is very unwise, you don’t have any financial security as you well know so are dependent on him. Why should you give up work and be solely responsible for childcare? You realise this can affect your pension contributions?

I actually don’t think the neighbour will turn up and tell your partner. I don’t think he wants to be with you and is just spinning you some lines so you sleep with him again. He sounds creepy and is taking advantage of you as you appear to have low self esteem. You have a 2 year old and are sleeping with a man in your partners bed, i don’t mean to be harsh but I doubt he sees you as “girlfriend material” despite claiming that.

If anything next time he is being pushy call
his bluff and say you think it’s time to tell his partner and see how he reacts! He’s only so cocky because he realises that you want to keep it quiet which suits him.

Also no sex and several lad holidays? hello! There’s a very good chance he’s cheating on you! Some men go off their partner after she’s had a kid so this would fit timing wise. He is getting his jollies elsewhere - and why hasn’t he married you already btw ?

Does he ever organise family holidays or is he spending all the money to be with his mates?

I’m not saying any of this to justify your actions btw which were deeply immoral, gross and frankly quite foolish, but I’m just questioning your claim that you had a good relationship. Even without you cheating it wasn’t good. This just makes it worse.

Surely ‘Mumsnet’ is not one homogenous entity but a forum with many different posters, from many different backgrounds, with many different views? And individual posts which involve cheating are not all the same, i.e. different situations, relationship dynamics etc. So many shades of grey and nuances in life!

Your post smacks of a very black and white thinking which most of the time tends to be problematic. Just because you may get a “sense of a consensus” on mumsnet when women post about being cheated on, I don’t think making a sweeping generalisation and assumption like you have in your post is accurate and to be honest reads quite inflammatory.

Is everyone forgetting this man has a partner. The op knows her. And he’s kids. And she still fucked him. The next door neighbour, knowing both his wife and kids.

Neither of these men are good for you.

Neighbour is blatantly taking advantage of your emotionally vulnerable state. Some men know exactly who to persue....frustrated and miserable wives are a prime target.

Your husband is controlling and you're getting nothing out of this relationship.

Hopefully you have the confidence to leave and distance yourself from both men.

There is no double standard with the advice here. I'd give the same advice to any househusband doing it all. One who had sexual advances batted away, but has to perform cunnilingus on his wife or she goes into a mood.
Can you imagine a reverse situation happening though? It simply wouldn't, the idea is laughable. I'd be surprised if men complained of such abuse at home in other threads.

Congratulations.

Not everyone is you

Yes things could get very nasty. This is obviously an extreme situation and doesn’t happen usually, but I’ve watched crime documentaries where the discovery of this kind of thing has led to murder.

Whether she tells him or not though she needs to make plans to leave. The relationship is done.

You do seem hung up on that. And seem to be giving a pass to the fact the op fucked her next door neighbour, who is in a relationship with kids, when her old man was at work.

Cheating is, of course, wrong and while I cannot excuse what you did, I can understand it. Being taken for granted and consistently rejected for years will take its toll on anyone and seeking validation and attention elsewhere is, again while not okay, understandable to a degree.
Unfortunately you have, to coin a crass phrase, ‘shit where your own doorstep’ and this is all very close to home. You need to be figuring out a way to leave and a plan of action here, not just waiting for the axe to drop. That’s no way to live. Frankly your life as it was is no way to live either and you should see this as a boot up the arse to do something about it!

He is a good man deep down and is a good dad when he actually does spend time with DS

He fucking isn't. Stop lying to yourself. He's a sexually, emotionally and financially abusive dick who doesn't love you.

Forcing you to give him blowjobs when you don't want to, otherwise he will kick off, is rape. Sexual assault. Coercion. Let's call it what it is. Whatever happens with the fancy man, you need to leave your abusive cock of a partner.

Whilst I don't condone cheating (and it's clear you don't either), it sounds like he treats you like dirt and that you could do an awful lot better. No-one would expect you to stay in such a miserable situation with a clearly horrible person and I think you should seriously consider leaving him. Would this have still happened if you were in a good relationship? From what you've said it doesn't sound like it would, so I think you have your answer as to whether this is a relationship you should stay in. Do you have anyone that will put you up if you move out? You'll be entitled to Universal Credit as a non-working single parent and you'd likely be a high priority for social housing too so even though it'll be tough, you will get back on your feet.

What about his partner? Has it crossed your mind how she is going to feel when she finds out you have been having an Emotional Affair and sleeping with her partner? Selfish and terrible behaviour from both of you, playing with people’s hearts and shitting on your doorstep

Sorry but any bloke who wants blow jobs on demand but offers no other form of intimacy had it coming

Also no sex and several lad holidays? hello!

This and this.

I don't know what's going on with him but he wants to use his partner and child's mother as a disembodied oral orifice to stimulate himself and ejaculate into.

He also sees her as a domestic slave.

If anyone had it coming ...

The only person I feel sorry for is the nnd Polish partner; she's the only "innocent" party here.

Op you need to stop fucking around with predatory men, get out, get on UC, back to work and meet someone who's not a horrible person like your current partner (and I agree whole heartedly with the poster above that he's probably not faithful either).

Absolutely this

A man wouldn't be telling the same story. Most men are not at home being treated like a maid, cook clean. what op has described is a typical of some men and it's abusive. She may have cheated but his behaviour is awful and it's been a very long time he's been treating her like this. I'm sorry I don't have any sympathy for ops partner , won't have intimacy with his partner but insists on oral sex... what a disgusting man.

Your partner sounds awful.

You do make a good point about the gf... but I think it's safe to say that op is vulnerable and the neighbour has played on this. Op has woken up and won't be seeing this neighbour again so let's cut her some slack.

she said she has been talking too him for months, so an Emotional Affair has been going on - she isnt vulnerable, she is selfish. EA can destroy people. The innocent one here is HIS partner

for goodness sake. A woman does a bad thing she’s vulnerable. A man does and he’s a cheating bastard. She’s not vulnerable. She’s a grown woman who knew what she was doing, she said so herself.

Why don't you get the ball rolling whilst you're realising that your relationship isn't for you?

Look on gingerbread for single parents. See a benefits calculator and what you're entitled to until either your child is old enough to go to school or retrain whilst doing benefits and maybe get a job in the future. See if any landlords will accept rent paid by benefits. And if there are, plan to move out. You aren't happy and it doesn't sound like you would have cheated if you were. There is no fixing this as the relationship was already broken.

Rather than keep being miserable, use this as a an opportunity to get out and live the life you are meant to. For your kid's sake if anything.